Mistakes Into Miracles: A Kakashi Tale
by Bladestar123
Summary: In which everyone is a dumb asshole, nothing of value is learned, and Kakashi ponders the meaning of life and comes to the wrong conclusions.
1. The First Team I

**9 YEARS A.N. [After Naruto('s birth)]**

Hatake Kakashi had a dream.

It wasn't a particularly complex dream, not even all that unreasonable as far as he was concerned. It was a simple, wholesome dream, for a simple, wholesome man.

He wanted to raise the greatest shinobi to ever exist.

That's all. That wasn't so hard, was it? Lord Hokage had promised him the name of Team 7 long in advance, so as far as he was concerned, he was already half there. Look at the previous Team 7's, exceptional one and all.

Except for that one. The old one under Minato, _before_ Obito and Rin. Now, that had been a disappointment, hadn't it?

Oh, people tended not to talk about that one, but Kakashi firmly believed that the only reason the man-eating tigers had gotten involved at all was because they were unworthy, and the heavens had decided to correct that particular injustice.

No, Kakashi decided, standing in front of his mirror with a halo of discarded clothing about him. He needed to be careful to only choose the perfect children to bear his dream and dominate the planet. Or not. As long as the option was on the table, Kakashi was satisfied.

He carefully combed his hair once more, trying to get his hair at the perfect, most rakish angle possible. Pea green chuunin vest, strapped over a _classy_ midnight blue jacket. Pants - _snug_ , Forehead protector - _shiny_ , shoes - _tight_. The handsome bastard in the mirror winked a gorgeous eye and Kakashi _swooned_.

He fanned himself on the ground with his notecards, and he began reciting them from memory again.

This needed to be perfect. Absolutely perfect. He'd _show_ Genma.

The dented alarm rang, and Kakashi gave it a once over.

2 minutes past meeting time by the way the broken hand hangs.

Or two hours.

He eyed the cards, and weighed them.

Eh, he had time. This had to be _perfect._

* * *

Kakashi strolled quietly past the Academy, the bustling crowds long behind him. At this time of day, it seemed that no one wished to approach the squat structures, the smell of blood and paper blotting the olfactory painting of the area. A thin stream of people quietly hurried away, shoving the gates apart with sounds of audible relief. Kakashi raised a brow; most of the people leaving were _jounin_ , with none of the smell of sadness and disappointment he'd come to associate with would-be-genin.

A few questions later after cornering the poor bastards, and it turned out that his (potential) future disappointments-in-training had left the academy. A few more questions to random passerby he'd offered to help with groceries, informed him that they'd headed for the Hokage tower.

Broken-hearted over the ruins of his perfect entrance, he sped off to the massive color-stained monolith, while debating whether or not this turn of events was a good thing. On one hand, they were showing initiative, which he approved of. They'd even gone as a team. On the other hand, they'd forced him to move further than he wanted.

Yes, he decided, ignoring priority lanes and dashing through anyway. They were most certainly on his shitlist. _Nobody_ not named Gai or Sarutobi made him move more than he felt like.

Coasting over a few rooftops with his last jump, he arrived at the Hokage tower as it opened for D-rank assignments, the place already riotous. His boots landed and _crunched_ in, layers of brittle paint crushed under his feet. He knew that when he stepped off, there would be a new starburst of colors unveiled, adding to the chaotic monument. The desk-chuunin didn't notice the flakes drifting down as he swung over the doorsill and landed casually on the roof. Probably too busy corralling the zoo of pasty genin garbed in _just_ the most _ridiculous_ colors, bumbling around and dropping their weapons.

Kakashi shuddered. Imagine being so terrible at life that you dropped the only thing defending it.

God forbid he need speak to incompetents. No, Kakashi tripped around them easily on the ceiling, ignoring the occasional jealous glare from jounin teachers.

He could see the Secretary's writing from here, and yes, his precious, precious little vermin had indeed signed in.

He sighed and moved up, casually waving off a couple Anbu, and signing hello to a few he recognized.

The ones he recognized blanched. They'd failed to disguise their body language, and thus would either be sent to re-training or be fed to the Chakra Tigers in the Forest of Death. Kakashi personally hoped the latter; Ibiki had kept the cute beasties pretty well fed on the blood of foreign insurgents, but nothing quite revved them up for a fight like the taste of home.

Kakashi continued ambling his way across the layered Chakra Birch paneling, shoving the cute little trainee Anbu in the face if they got too close. But as he stepped up to the staircase, his ears did spot something good.

One of the little deadbeat genin was looking curiously at the whiskered ninja manning the desk, and Kakashi watched with visibly growing excitement as it opened its mouth.

"Why did Sensei call you a desk-chuunin?"

The whiskered desk-chuunin just looked at the child, like he could see his past unfolding. "Because," he said softly. "I'm a chuunin while I sit at this desk."

The boy cocked his head. "What about when you leave the desk?"

A huge gusty sigh from one of the neighboring desks echoed through the now-silent room.

The desk-chuunin looked at the small child with eyes deader than Kakashi's soul.

"A disappointment."

The boy visibly withered and beat a hasty retreat.

Kakashi, shot through the heart, dropped down near silently from the ceiling behind the desk-chuunin even now staring blankly at the floor.

Some of the jounin teachers winced and looked away.

Kakashi clapped the desk-chuunin on the shoulder, and leaned in to his ear. His hot breath tickled the man's skin and he saw goosebumps rise.

"This is your life now."

"This is my life now," The desk-chuunin whispered.

* * *

"Kakashi, I order you to stop driving my desk-chuunin to depression."

Kakashi scoffed. "I did nothing, it was obviously a pre-existing condition. Terminal failure."

Sarutobi puffed his pipe, and narrowed his eyes, but he wasn't quite fast enough to hide the twinkles of amusement. Equally amused, Kakashi rocked back on his heels. "You're even _calling_ them desk-chuunin now, instead of - what was it Shikaku penned? Merit-based promotions?"

"Yes well," the Hokage coughed a little on his pipe smoke and tipped his hat to hide his smile. "I am the Hokage, and far be it for me to suppress the voice of my men."

They both loudly snickered, though perhaps "smoky death-rattle" would be a more apt description for the Hokage. Not that Kakashi would say that. He wasn't feeling Border Patrols right now. Speaking of unwanted responsibility, Kakashi turned to see his brats lined up against the wall looking rebellious.

The Hokage was looking at Kakashi when he turned back, eyebrow raised. The question was implicit.

* * *

 **So, this is a quest on SB. To be honest, I didn't plan to put this up, but I ended up somewhat needing to, as I started to grow unhappy with the way a lot of the style was vanishing in favor of more jokes. So, I'll still be updating there, but I'll put up finalized and more improved chapters up here when I feel happier about them.**


	2. The First Team II

Kakashi turned away from the rugrats, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.  
"New interns?"

Sarutobi's mouth twitched. "Not quite..." he muttered. Reaching over, he grabbed a sheaf of papers off the corner of the neatly-organized knickknack display shelf he called a desk. He fanned them out as he began flipping through them, and Kakashi petulantly counted them.

Three. Three papers. Kakashi had a feeling he knew what they were.

Kakashi looked at them again, a quick peek over his shoulder while the Hokage was busy.

Tallest the Sad looked somewhat miserable in his big-boy pants and booties. Whoever picked his clothes had good taste; red shirt _and_ brown pants. _Classic._ Kakashi pegged him as the serious, reasonable type with a good grasp of his position in life, and the lack of upward momentum therein.

Middlechild the Disappointment looked like a nerd, if nerds were _bad_ at being nerds. Kakashi lowered his expectations of the specked child on the spot, if only because he needed some way of keeping his spirits up.

The third he named Girl 1. Girl 1 wore a nice dress and clean shoes. He decided not to grow attached to Girl 1, and to broaden his horizons by going through the failures his fellow jounin had rejected.

Overall, there was a distinct lack of _talent,_ and Kakashi decided on the spot that he'd be better off pretending they didn't exist.

"Well, then..." Kakashi said slowly. " **Who's leftovers are they?** "

Sarutobi shot him a patient look, before turning slightly and gazing out the window.

Oh no. Nono _no_. Kakashi knew this game, and he'd be _damned_ if he fell for it.

Countering, Kakashi _also_ turned to look, but around the room instead. Can't make him feel guilty if he isn't looking.

It certainly was a _nice_ room. Smooth, dark paneling of Chakra Oak, with borders of Chakra Birchwood. The room itself was circular, and he could feel the Chakra pulsing under his feet. It never failed to feel comfortable, the fact that the tower was _alive_ in a very real way. Proof, that even legends could come true. The potted plants were certainly a nice touch though. Asuma dropped one off every once in a while, Kakashi knew, whenever Asuma felt like his existence made Sarutobi sadder.

There were many, many potted plants in the room.

Kakashi looked fondly at the potted Poison Ivy he'd tricked the bearded man into buying. It had given Kurenai a rash for 3 months in places Asuma wasn't ready to take public responsibility for. Serves him right, taking advantage of Kakashi's kindness and taste in flowers to try and woo her.

Kakashi still came by every once in a while to feed it. He solicited its use shockingly often.

The rest of the room was more understated; Sarutobi kept most of his stupid gimmicks confined to his table. There was the bookshelf, the massively blatant scroll of Forbidden Jutsu that Shikaku had hung up to tweak at visiting dignitaries, the mysterious secret door in the back he threw Desk-Chuunin that got too uppity or curious into, the Anbu watchers, the Fake-Anbu watchers, and a stack of paperwork.

Kakashi sighed happily, and Sarutobi groaned in frustration.

"Kakashi..." Kakashi straightened a little in his chair. "Kakashi, those are _your_ leftovers."

Kakashi pointed at himself, eye wide. "Me? Are you sure?"

The Hokage looked at him drily. "Quite sure."

Kakashi rapped a long finger against his chin. "Not too sure about that one..."

Sarutobi growled a little.

Kakashi threw his hands up a little. Kind of. His elbows never left his side, but it was certainly an expression of emotion. "Lord Hokage," he said, a little testily."I was told I'd be meeting my team of _talented_ young genin at the _Academy_."

Bitter, who? Him? No, he certainly wasn't bitter that he'd gussied himself up for this. That his dream geniuses looked more like the nin his dream geniuses would crush underfoot on the way to greatness. That he'd spent hours, _days_ , practicing his entrance, the test, his announcement that he'd accepted them and the resulting party that would involve no less than _four_ dead goats.

He hasn't used more than _three_ since he'd achieved a 2:1 win ratio against Gai. It was going to be _special_. He'd grown them _just for this_.

But no. But _no_. How _dare_ they disappoint him.

 _"3 hours ago."_

Kakashi blinked his eye. "Has it been? My, rude of you to keep me here that lo-"

 _"Kakashi."_

He shrugged. "I see neither talent nor academy here, so what's the issue?"

"Nevertheless-"

Kakashi suddenly grinned under his mask as the Hokage realized what he had said, burying his face in his hands.

"I'm off the hook." Kakashi said smugly. The Hokage groaned into his palms.

"Kakashi, just take the damn kids."

* * *

The children filed soundlessly out of the room, and the Hokage breathed deeply.

"Young Sasuke is a problem."

Kakashi shrugged.

Sarutobi rubbed his face a little. "More than expected I mean."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "More than depression and murderous impulses?"

"Yes."

The new voice that joined the conversation came from behind. Kakashi turned to watch the secret door open and Danzo stump out.

"How's Mustachio?" Kakashi commented offhandedly. Danzo thought about it, before tilting his hand left and right. "Pretty mediocre, even for a Desk-Chuunin. Toss me someone that can speedread next time, thank you."

Kakashi rolled his eye. "Sure, I'll be careful to time how quickly the next one goes through the _sensitive_ documents."

"Good." The bandaged man grunted. One of the Fake-Anbu dropped down and pushed in a stool for him to sit on. "Now, as it turns out, the Uchiha is both unstable, and actively a malignant influence on his classmates, I recommend-"

"You can't have his eyes." Sarutobi said wearily.

Danzo leaned over gingerly, and smashed his other hand against the table. " _Two more!_ " He hissed. " _Two more to an even twenty!_ "

"No."

"I can loan you mine!" Kakashi said cheerfully.

Danzo gave him a dirty look. "That's even _worse_. At least eighteen is an _even_ number."

The man shuddered, and Kakashi hummed thoughtfully.

"What're you even collecting those eyes for?"

Danzo's eye sliiiiiid away. "Nothing."


	3. The First Team III

"No, but really though. What's up with the eyes?"

Danzo gave Kakashi an arch look, thin eye narrowing. The old man wore his years like a robe, and it was a near visceral thing to experience - Kakashi could _feel_ his will pushing back.

Kakashi just stared blankly.

Somehow, this seemed to work. Danzo seemed uncomfortable with the notice, his eye curling in unconscious hostility. Kakashi, growing entertained by the weak resistance, continued pushing the man, hopefully to do something stupid. Danzo grumbled for a bit, the Hokage's giggling getting louder, until with a loud _hnmph_ he gave in. And reached for his right shoulder.

His hand grabbed something under his robes, and began pulling, a few seconds revealing that he'd grabbed one end of his bandages. He slowly began unwinding them, first his neck, then his trapezius, and then, slowly, his shoulder. The skin below the bandages, for the most part, was smooth, pale yet unlined. It was the skin of a far younger man than he, though the liverspots gave the game away. However, the bandages had evidently been on for far longer than they should have, the marks carved into the shoulder itself, rather than the typical signs of re-winding the cloth that would usually occur with injuries needing to be cleaned. The kind Danzo supposedly had - on _paper_ , at least.

Even Hiruzen slowed down at this, the mirth petering to a stop. Both men continued watching intently as Danzo unveiled his right shoulder.

And the face quietly slumbering upon it.

"What..." Kakashi cleared his throat. "That a new bloodline?"

"No..." Hiruzen spoke slowly, intrigued. "No, that is no bloodline at all. It's alive."

Kakashi blinked, and Danzo groaned a little.

"Yes." Danzo bit out. "It is alive, and is why-"

The face suddenly seemed to jerk in place, and it's wooden lids snapped open, two drops of red spinning in place underneath.

"I live...!" It spoke hoarsely.

"Yes you do." Danzo muttered, and grabbed his bandage to presumably try to cover it. The face did not appreciate it, pursing it's lips and curling them over the bandage, then working it's...jaw?...to try and push the cloth away. It was an amusing, yet utterly futile image.

Kakashi peered at it. The face peered back. "Have you gotten this looked at? It looks somewhat infectious at this point."

Sarutobi's eyebrows shot up. "It _thinks_!"

"Hardly." Danzo replied irritably. "It couldn't even give you a name if it-"

"My name...is Hashirama."

Pindrop silence. Danzo looked like he was sweating a little.

"It says it's name is Hashirama." Kakashi commented conversationally.

"Of course it is..." Danzo groaned.

"Why wouldn't it be..." Hiruzen mused.

Kakashi leaned in to prod at the face. It bit at him, a little, and he snapped his fingers back.

"Friendly guy."

Danzo shrugged, shaking the whole face up and down. "No accounting for taste."

"Why did it even give itself a name?" Sarutobi actually leaned over his desk to get a better look, hat slowly sliding backwards.

"Haven't the faintest idea. Not like it has any memories." Danzo sniffed. "Besides, I gave him one already. Oops."

"Appropriate." Kakashi snickered, waving his fingers slowly over the face's Sharingan eyes.

"I am right here." Oops intoned, quite offended. "Rude of-"

Danzo slapped his hand on his shoulder, smacking the face. "Doesn't say much else." Danzo grunted hastily.

"Certainly _seems_ to think." Hiruzen chortled, hat growing more and more askew with every gentle bump.

"It certainly fails to grasp _silence_."

Kakashi pondered for a minute. "What do you feed it?"

The two elderly men turned to him. " _What_?"

"What are you feeding it." Kakashi repeated. "It has organs, and a functional organic system to communicate. Have you tried feeding it?"

The face looked like it was gnawing on Danzo's hand, quite cheerfully to boot.

The three men sort of shifted to look at it.

"Where would the food even go?" Danzo mused.

"Well," Sarutobi hid a smile under his collar. "Presumably, to nourishing it."

"Maybe it'll grow." Kakashi returned.

Danzo and the face...well, it couldn't really _turn_ , but it's attention certainly snapped to him.

"Fehat yrrr mrnn?"

"What would a face even grow into?"

Kakashi thought about it. "A head?" He suggested.

Danzo looked down at his arm, interest renewed.

Oops was nearly vibrating in place. "Really?!" It crowed. "A head! A head for me! This is _awesome_!"

Kakashi leaned over to pat the cute little face, but Danzo smacked his hand away, growling.

Kakashi sucked at his reddened fingers, glaring petulantly. "Why do you even have a face on your shoulder?"

Hiruzen snapped out of his academic fugue, looking up sharply.

Danzo coughed. "It grew."

Kakashi blinked.

"It grew," Danzo repeated. "I just woke up and it was starting to sprout from my shoulder."

"Like," Sarutobi hesitates. "Like acne? You grew a face like it was a _mole_?"

Danzo shrugged. The face looked mildly nauseated.

Kakashi withdrew his hand from his mouth, and huffed. "We've settled today's problems right?" Sarutobi gave up trying to stare a hole through Danzo's temple to lean back thoughtfully, hat precariously perched. "Danzo has a freaky face and we're tabling the Uchiha discussing for next year due to lack of interest in dealing with that shit."

The other two bobbed their heads, muttering words of agreement, and the face, eyes whizzing, eagerly took its surroundings in, now that it was aware its time was limited.

"Well then, problem solved!" Kakashi clapped his hands excitedly. "Well, I'm off to give my cute little kids some hard **choices**!"

Hiruzen threw his hands up and leaned back. The hat finally fell off his head. "We did it."

Kakashi chuckled and leaned around as Danzo began rewinding his banda-

Hold _on_ , who was _this_? A nin was outside Sarutobi's window, presumably having climbed up the outside. He hadn't seen anyone that looked like this before, must be new. Bold, brave. Long hair, beautiful eye color- one he could even see from here. Well _dressed_ , if more so than some other jounin, and clearly didn't judge him, unafraid to look him in the eye despite the rumors about him using it to rob souls.

"What is he looking at...?" Kakashi heard Danzo mutter, the whine of stretching fabric giving way to soft strokes of a knot being tied, undercut by muffled muttering as the face attempted to convey its opinions of the bandage.

Sarutobi sighed, and the one blink Kakashi was willing to take away from the impatient-looking nin outside showed him that the Hokage looked like he was fighting back a migraine. "His reflection in my window."

Oh wait.

"That _is_ just me." Kakashi mused, smoothing back his hair. "You know, this may just be too much for incompetents to handle, are you sure I shouldn't-"

The Hokage hurled a book at Kakashi with a pretty irritated expression, and Kakashi decided to make himself scarce.

As he was leaving via applied force to glass, he heard Danzo mutter, "Saru, maybe if you were stronger, you wouldn't get headaches. Maybe I should lighten the burden and-"

Kakashi kicked the window out, falling to the shine of shattered glass refracting around him, as a loud crack echoed through the room he'd left.

God forbid he get involved in _politics_.

* * *

Kakashi clapped quickly.

"Well children, I'm here to offer you a choice!"

They blinked nervously. The fact that they'd been forced rather unceremoniously from the room after a protracted struggle for their legal custody has fortunately not gone unnoticed, and they eyed him nervously indeed.

You know, maybe dragging them to a training ground with bits of glass still in his hair was a poor place to pick up from, but he'd be _damned_ if he let some uppity desk-chuunin complain about his behavior.

Tallboy blinked nervously. "You...sir you mentioned a test?"

Fucking _schoolchildren_. Of course they picked up on the word _test_. Of the whole of the conversation with the hokage, they caught _test_.

Kakashi slumped in deep disappointment. "Yes, there's a test to see if you're worth keeping around. Jounin teachers get the option to test their granted teams, a sort of last refusal thing. Like dinner. If it's shit, I get my money back."

Girl 1 didn't seem to like being referred to as dinner. Probably 'cause she avoided much of it. Kakashi stared at their skinny arms distastefully.

"But I'll leave the choice to you. I'm good. I'm the best and I can damn well do most anything. But if you want a different Jounin teacher-" _please want a different jounin teacher_ "-I can send you to one of them instead."

Girl 1 spoke up again, as beside her Kakashi noticed Middlechild staring at him thoughtfully. That was _adorable_ , he was being analyzed. "What happens if we fail?"

Kakashi smiled. They noticed. "You cease to be my problem."

They look at each other nervously. Kakashi was nearly salivating at the tensio-oh wait, he was just hungry. He'd forgotten breakfast, and it was making him antsy.

 _Say, there's an idea..._

He almost missed it when Middledchild spoke. His voice was as drab as the rest of him. "We can take your test." Apparently shittalking their skills had made them antsy to prove themselves.

 _Oh, can you?_

"Well then!" Kakashi's eye crinkled. "Let's have at it!"


	4. The Test I

_-"Kirimi...", I whispered slowly into her shuddering ears, tinted like roses in the sweet moonlight. Her eyes caught me like a moth to flame, oh I couldn't help myself when she drew me in with an answering gasp of -_

Kakashi leaned into the kick whistling by his face, letting the breeze of its passing turn the page. He nodded slightly in thanks, spinning around and booting the genin in the small of the back as he landed and sending him sprawling onto the dirt. Middlechild hacked a little as he ate shit, and scrambled away from Kakashi's stompy-stompy boots that he'd specially changed into 30 seconds after they'd decided to take his test.

Kakashi leaned back a little, flexing the arm tight against his back to keep the blood flowing.

He'd tied one arm behind his back and the other, well...

Kakashi giggled a little.

That one was preoccupied.

Besides, he still wasn't sure if this was a good idea, and handicapping himself seemed to be the only way to avoid accidentally murdering the little shits. Reminded him that this was _voluntary_ and damnit he needed to _control himself_.

He would not suffer the indignancy of writing a report on why he shouldn't have killed them and the steps he could've taken to avoid it.

A _report_. Sometimes he wondered who the schoolchildren of this relationship would be. They took nice long dirt naps while he put labor in. A turning of tables he did not appreciate.

Better not to kill them.

Girlie swung big and missed, kunai going wide. He popped a squat and chambered one leg up, wholly balanced on one side, before _whipping_ a foot out. He felt her chakra-enhanced ribs flex with the impact as she coughed wetly before crumpling.

 _-slid the ricepaper door shut behind me while Kirimi slumbered within. I'd not have her see me leave, her auburn eyes risked pulling me back even when shut 10 feet behind a closed door. I was too wise to my own ways, and I wouldn't lie to myself, not now. I was growing too attached, dangerously captivated, and I couldn't risk-_

Kakashi popped up, spinning on the foot his weight was on and ramming his heel into Middie's face as he ran up behind Kakashi. He went down as quietly as he ran up, gritting his teeth as Kakashi leaned over him. Mid-boy's eyes were leaking a little, as he refused to clutch his nose or do anything but glare angrily.

How banal.

Probably about time for them to-

"Switch!" Middleboy wheezed, slowly crawling away as Tallboy hopped down from the trees. Tallboy'd forgotten to warm up after his little break, and it showed in how stiffly he carried himself, wincing as shock ran up aching ankles. Tallboy began circulating Chakra immediately however, easing the tension, and Kakashi nodded in approval.

Shame he wouldn't get to finish.

He looked up, ready to fight anew, right in time to take Kakashi's flying knee to the nose. This one was a screamer apparently, whirling around in the dirt and howling his pleas to heaven.

Kakashi hummed. He had told them that the exercise would begin with two of them, and the third could come in whenever he felt was good.

They'd adopted a switch-in method. One would rest while watching the others be beaten into the dirt. No initiative at all. No matter how brutal, the one in the trees would wait until the call of "switch!" occurred.

This was already the third or fourth time they'd switched, and they only grew more and more fearful of the call. Soon, that fear would turn to resentment, and they would truly fall apart. Already he saw them judging each other, tabulating the beatings and casting judgement. Finding each other wanting.

My, and they called _him_ brutal.

Girlie looked hesitant to jump in, and Kakashi could only shrug. They'd never get anywhere like this.

"Remember," he advised her. "One hit. We stop as soon as you land one hit, and no sooner."

 _ **Endure**_

Girlie trembled, and Kakashi felt his eye crease in mirth.

Ahhh, to afford cowardice again. Youth really was wasted on the _trash_.

Kakashi looked up. Time was passing quickly. He hummed and considered giving them a hint, before discarding it.

 _-"We can't do this Michiko." I pushed her away, gently, carefully, as she caressed my arms. Long brown hair whipped around, and her fetchingly angular face curved deeper towards mine._

"We can," she whispered, and I trembled. Sea green eyes met mine, and the only thing preventing me from falling in deeper was memories of Amber.

She took my weakness for acceptance, and slowly, her hand trailed lower, leaving trails of heat whenever her porcelain hands brushed -

Talls finally managed to suppress his _weakness_ , and went for Kakashi's ankles, conveniently placed juuust within arms reach. Kakashi took great pleasure in _stepping_ on those naughty little reaching fingers, all grubby with dirt and disappointment.

No no _no_ , _off_ the good pants.

Kakashi waggled one of the fingers holding onto his book, mockingly warning the morose child away. A look into his determined eyes told Kakashi to expect something, and sure enough Tallboy's other hand that he'd buried under his back shot up, clouds of dirt spraying, with a kunai clutched in his fingers.

Kakashi leaned back, slamming one foot onto the boys gut hard enough to make him let go of the blade, and put weight on it. Kakashi continued leaning back, minding his bound arm and going nearly horizontal to the ground, other knee brought up, and foot perpendicular to the knife.

And then he caught it between his big and second toes, and rammed it, pommel down, straight back onto the boy's face.

He smoothly spun off Biggs, standing up straight, and watching him vomit onto the dirt.

Kakashi was fucking _insulted_. He was _not_ that heavy. He was a pleasant, moderate weight, and as a pleasant, moderate man that suited him just fine.

 _-her breath was still hot on my skin, even hours later. The ripples moonlight played across her bare skin, and I could help but watch it pool about her, flow like her hair down her body and across her thighs, down her feet to the lake spreading about her as night slowly turned to day._

 _I had not slept, for I could have watched her for eternity and a day, and never felt tired again. She'd caught me, firmly, deeply, and I couldn't even work up the effort to wiggle free, for every time I tried just worked my way a little deeper into her embrace -_

Girlie finally seemed to sack up, and threw some shuriken.

Some _shuriken_. Kakashi didn't even _bother_ moving, watching the disks move through the air a couple feet to his left, where she _thought_ he would be.

A _couple_ feet. A _couple feet_?! Who did they think he was, Asuma?!

Kakashi showed her _exactly_ how far he could move with a moments warning, when he rocketed towards her, shattering the ground under his feet. Her scream of shock was cut off with a shoulder-led body blow that took her out.

"Switch!" Tallboy howled.

Was this how to teach the children? Kakashi couldn't really tell. He didn't really know.

Middie trembled as he climbed down from the tree. Good, he learned from Tallboy and had warmed up. Kakashi welcomed him with a grin and the threat of immediate violence to follow.

Eyes narrowed, Middie slowly reached behind him.

Kakashi, bored, allowed him to.

Three more shuriken spun through the air, and this time something else followed.

It felt less like the smooth threads working their way into his mind that Kurenai used, and more like a toddler slapping him where it _thought_ his head was and getting him in the ear instead. A clumsy, unintuitive working that slowly made its way into his head and tried to convince him that Middlechild had begun running to the left. Basic, rudimentary, inefficient and worst of all, criminally _criminally_ _obvious_.

He flexed his chakra and seized the clumsy feelers, deciding not to snap them after a moment's consideration. Instead, he gently tugged them. Mids wasn't good enough to tell the difference between the genjutsu taking hold and his little fakeout - a common trick among jounin to feel out experts from dabblers.

The threads themselves were quite firm however. Not bad, he hadn't anticipated something like that, the kid had some decent focus.

Kakashi played along, circling the other way from the illusion, ending up right beside the kid. He was waiting, tense with anticipation, and the second Kakashi was close enough to him, he drew his kunai with no hesitation and stabbed out.

Having seized the genjutsu threads and wound them into a different genjutsu, feeding it right back into the child's psyche, Kakashi slowly watched the kunai sail past two feet to his left.

For one beautiful moment, Middlechild had no idea what was going on, before his eyes behind his glasses widened in sudden fear.

 _Too late_ , Kakashi cackled and nailed him in the plexus with a casually outstretched leg.

He went down like a sack of shit.

Kakashi grinned. Now that the implicit seal on Jutsu had been broken, he could _really_ have some fun.


	5. The Test II

Genjutsu was a tricky subject. Kakashi considered himself a prodigy of ninjutsu, of feeling heat sear his nerves and thunder echo in his veins. It was the art of knowing yourself, your _spirit_ in a way that left you both intimately familiar with yourself, and intimately _vulnerable_ to yourself. After all, he'd seen the fullness of who he was, and that perhaps wasn't a good thing.

Genjutsu was about knowing _other_ people. About _getting_ how they ticked and saw the world in a way Hatake Kakashi would never quite manage, not in the way a true prodigy like Itachi, or a Master like Kurenai could.

But then, Kakashi figured, he didn't really need to, did he? He didn't need to create those miraculous false worlds, didn't need to believe in the existence of places that never existed to bring another there. He was never really one for trickery of that sort; self-awareness tended not to play well with the self-delusion Genjutsu masters cultivated. It was why Itachi was such a monster: the boy was _mad_ , able to lie to himself at a drop of a hat, but still able to center his own self. It barely made _sense_ , and the boy managed it effortlessly. Kakashi couldn't do that, _wouldn't_ do that.

But hey, he had help.

And if there was one thing a mutt like Pakkun was good for, it was sensing. The tiny little subsection of the Dog Tribe he interacted with had taught him how to scent and see, how to pick up all those niggling little details people notice but never acknowledge. And that was good enough; after all, Kakashi would never really be able to trust that he knew what someone was thinking, but sensing tended to be more...universal.

Not that that satisfied Kurenai of course. "Kakashi don't do that", "Kakashi you'll never Master Genjutsu like that", "Kakashi stop being so stubborn", "Yes Kakashi, there _is_ a right way", "Kakashi why can't you be more like Asuma and _listen_ to me?!", man _fuck_ Asuma that bullheaded mother _fucker_. He didn't _want_ to be Asuma, and he didn't need that little bastard's help. Fucking what "I don't need my dad the goddamn Hokage" man _fuck you_.

Anyway, Kakashi was a ninjutsu specialist, and he had used it to foster an incredible degree of self-control within himself.

It was that very self-control that he leveraged, when he watched Middie lie flat on the floor and scream like he was rocketing up, when he saw Girlie roll about like a log across the clearing blubbering in horror, eyed Tallboy as he clung to the highest tree around in fear, to not just walk over and start kicking them in the head and laughing.

He had _self-control_.

But did anyone appreciate Kakashi? Noooo, just more assault filings complaining about "unwarranted levels of hostility and aggression". Civvies really were the worst.

Kakashi sighed and squatted a little, drawing his little book from where he'd holstered it. His porn, at least, had never disappointed him.

 _-"-can't, Michiko." I brushed her hair away from her face, even as we lay side-by-side. Like two fish, I felt us traverse the currents of time, and even as we spoke the new Dawn broke. A lone tear ran down her face, and as I leaned in to kiss it away, I saw her flinch._

A single gesture, and she could bring me to my knees in sorrow, what had I done? To deserve this, to inflict it on another?

I didn't deserve her, though she disagreed with the passion of her-"-

Oh, _shit_. Middie had worked out the trick behind the haphazard Genjutsu he'd slapped on him.

How embarrassing. Kakashi felt himself pink a little under his mask, and he was briefly glad no one could tell.

He was _definitely_ rusty if a genin could snap it that easily. He uncurled, his lanky build straightening as he looked down at the boy shakily making his way to his feet.

Tallboy slowly made his way down the tree as well, and stood beside him. Behind them, Girl 1 continued to wail, and both boys flinched, though neither turned to look at her.

Hmm...

Kakashi released Girl 1, the sharp gasp telling as the fine threads left her mind her own once more.

She crawled her way up, leaning against a tree, and stood. The three of them glared as Kakashi waited patiently.

Tallboy moved a little, but Middleboy's hand snaked out and grabbed it. "****'s still here." He hissed, and Talls turned around and spotted her, white faced and shaking. Kakashi, picking his ear, sadly missed the name. At this rate, it seemed like Girl 1 would be Girl 1 forever.

Kakashi sighed sadly, but said nothing. Tallboy broke off to help her down, but Middleboy stared back, dead eyes meeting the lively pair behind glasses.

"Wait."

Tallboy and Girl 1 stopped, turning curiously. Kakashi felt himself grinning as Middle started reddening, head filling up like a soup jar. "We-" embarrassment made him stumble, hasty. "We don't need to."

The two turned from him, to Kakashi. Kakashi continued to say nothing.

Middie turned to them, half-profile. "We didn't need to split up. We could have _kept going_."

They congregated, and Kakashi was content to watch as the hissed bickering and accusations of fault grew louder and more pointed.

They'd finally noticed. Kakashi was glad. Shame it wasn't good _enough_. Not yet.

Kakashi slowly put his book away, as they arrayed against him, full team at last.

They'd finally earned his focus.

* * *

Quick twig snaps echoed like gunshots, as Kakashi hurried, giggling, to his next drop-point. The children were in hot pursuit, and he enjoyed watching their little faces curl up in anger and frustration. Weaving three hand signs, Kakashi moulded the Chakra into a net and allowed Girl one to run headlong into it, ensnaring her mind as her body kept moving. She continued to lead the pack, but Kakashi focused on the feel and scent of tree bark, and moved her next branch two feet lower.

He giggled harder as she screamed, the net of chakra leaving her mind in time for her to visibly plunge past the branch she aimed for.

Tallboy cursed, dodging to the side, and eyeing Middleboy, who grumbled but still slowed down to go help her. Instead, Tallboy began rushing closer, reaching down to draw his kunai.

Whoopsie, someone probably should've taught him not to take his eyes off an enemy. Kakashi reached for his reel of wire, tying a quick knot with one hand and snapped it out to a thin trunk. He allowed his momentum to carry him, spinning about the tree while leaving the loop behind.

Tallboy cursed as he ran up, kunai drawn and _gleaming_ , eager for blood.

He didn't even look down until he'd been caught, and Kakashi cheerfully pulled the screaming child along like a mackerel. He hurled a kunai, and Kakashi caught it with a second loop of wire.

He looked speculatively at what he'd made, before snapping the wire Tallboy was connected to off his roll.

Kakashi allowed the mass of chakra enveloping his body to reach out, and with a warping snap replaced himself with a log that Tallboy went headfirst into. Kakashi grinned as his chakra grabbed the space behind him, and with a feeling akin to being forced through a drainage pipe, popped back behind the child.

He'd need to buy a little time for the next bit of fun, so it was time to whip out something special.

Seven hand seals, _dogcatsnakepigratdogtiger_ , just slow enough that Tallboy could catch the trailing end of the seal chain.

Too late.

Secret One-Handed Sealing Technique: _500 Years of Poor Sitting Posture_

The scream likely murdered whatever poor birds lived in the nearby trees, and sent the rest to wing.

Down below where Kakashi had dropped, he said a brief prayer, and began laying down tripwires all around. One tree to the next, in a great circle, he formed a grand web for them to trip into.

And in the center he placed the bait: himself.

Middle was the first to arrive, careful and cautious. But he wasn't the first to enter; that was Girl 1. Incensed and anxious in equal measures, she took in the scenarios like she took beatings: head on.

A seconds distraction, that's all it took. The finer the movement, the more skilled the user, but Genjutsu was simply the art of misdirection magnified ten thousand times over. Reduce the world to grains and turn it on its head; all it took was for you to buy into your own bullshit.

Kakashi couldn't do it with a blink of his eye or a twitch of the finger. He didn't have the fine control to turn them one way and use the gap of their attention to infiltrate their minds.

But he could open his own.

The second she entered, she threw three kunai. The clone was nonplussed as her lobs passed through it, and she never even noticed where the real one was until he burst from the earth with an uppercut so clean he'd put it on her medical report himself.

She blanked out for a minute as it rattled her mind, and he had her eight senses wrapped in less than a second. Girl 1 backtracked, stumbling, and hit the wires. Kakashi had deliberately used insulated wires so they wouldn't shear flesh, so she rebounded and fell to the earth like a rather soggy potato. Kakashi approached slowly, menacingly, waiting for the scream - there it was, the echoing howl Kakashi had been waiting for as Tallboy dove from the treetops between him and the girl.

Couldn't resist playing the hero, for all that he was a coward at heart. Kakashi watched amusedly as he landed, and used the jarring of his limbs to put him in a Genjutsu. He pitched, his sense of balance off by a few degrees, and he began stumbling sideways. He shook, a _little_ , and waved his hand back. A pre-arranged signal? Cute.

Girl 1 pulled out three shuriken as Tallboy readied himself, and as he burst forwards, took them right in the shoulder as he adjusted the girls perception left by a foot.

He collapsed, Genjutsu snapping, and Girl 1 whirled around at the sourceless howling, eyes wide. After all, as far as she could tell Tallboy had successfully used her distraction to close in.

Kakashi allowed it to play out, Tallboy gritting his teeth and Girl, First of her Name, crouching low to the earth looking spooked.

And Middlechild, slowly closing in behind him as the other two acted as the voluntary distractions.

Kakashi allowed a ghost of a smile to cross his lips. And when Middlechild capitalized on Tallboy's loudest shout yet, the both meeting eyes in unspoken signal, Kakashi allowed him a feel of smooth cloth before it was replaced with bark.

He let the Genjutsu break.

Middlechild froze in shock, as Tallboy and Girlie whirled to face him.

Kakashi stood, high up on the trees, watching their lips move.

 _'Did you do it?!'_

'I-I think?'

'You think?'

'I felt it. I'm sure.'

'Ugh, can you please be sure? If not, he's gonna be back for more.'

'I'm not sure I can handle more.'

'Shut up! We can. We will. I won't let that asshole be right. Start circulating Chakra, we need to be ready.'

'Fuck.'

Kakashi chuckled.

Not bad. Cute enough, as far as students went, and their enthusiasm was certainly nice. The rudeness was simply uncalled for, though. He'd beat that out of them.

As for the results...well. Well well well. It wasn't the talent he'd wanted. He'd probably never get that.

But it was a start.

* * *

Middles had finally crawled his way around to Girlie the First and Tallboy, and together they united into a singular slug-based organism. Bit of a downgrade really, and it disheartened Kakashi a little that uniting them made them weaker in every way.

Even weaker than before, he meant.

Tallboy's muffled cries of anguish went a long way to soothe that.

Or was that joy? Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, watching the sobbing pile of children grow steadily damper.

Well, this was his team now.


	6. Babysitting I

Kakashi stared at the blubbering children, deeply uncomfortable.

It wasn't the fact that they were _children_ per se, more that they were - how to say this - _terrible_? It had finally struck that he was now _responsible_ for the little gremlins, and that meant keeping them alive.

Somehow.

He sighed, and snapped the rope he'd used to restrain his other hand, bouncing through seals into a shunshin.

When he returned 15 minutes later, they were still there, having separated into individual lumps.

Somehow, he felt even more disappointed than before.

The bags full of raw vegetables swung gently from both arms, covers straining to the limit. He put one bag down by his feet, and seized a turnip. The long leafy stem tore a little as he gripped it firmly, but held long enough for him to bounce it off Highchild's head.

He yelped, reflexively doubling over in shock, but still caught the turnip.

Kakashi waved the bags.

10 minutes later, they had a nice fire going. **The food was speared on sticks, and the lovely smell of roasting vegetables permeated the clearing.**

Kakashi stood up and clapped cheerfully. "Alright gather round, time for a lesson!"

They blinked at him. Tall n' Old craned his neck up, looking at the sky.

It was pitch black. The only light was from the fire going before them and the stars high in the sky.

"Sensei...it's..." Girlso looked like she was struggling for words. "It's...dark?"

Kakashi strode up to her, and gently patted her head, careful not to accidentally crush it like the eggshell it was. He was confident that, with practice, he wouldn't even notice anymore!

"Good job!" He said brightly. "You noticed!"

She looked somewhat sour, though Kakashi wasn't entirely sure why. Exceeding his incredibly low expectations for anything these...these _kids_ could do was a good thing, right?

He patted her again, just in case she was feeling a lack of empathetic connection and needed emotional reinforcement, and stepped back. "You're ninja now!"

Kakashi raised his arms and waved them little. "Hooray!"

Tallboy slowly raised his hands, before Midds slapped them down, scowling.

"And," Kakashi added. "That means you no longer have rights!"

His arms started waving again. "Hooray!"

Ah, there were those familiar looks of resentment and fear. Kakashi felt more comfortable already.

"Now," he crossed his arms in the third of seven poses he'd practiced for exactly this occasion. "I need to explain the basics of being a ninja."

They craned their heads a little.

"Abuse of power!"

Kakashi, waggled a finger. "The first step to establishing your place in the pecking order is to flagrantly abuse your power as often as possible."

Middlechild raised a hand.

"Yes, er...you?"

He adjusted his glasses as Gurl mouthed " _you_ " quietly to herself.

"What happens when we go too far?"

Kakashi grinned. "You receive the beating you've earned and your place in the pecking order is established."

Middles nodded like this made sense. Kakashi always knew that Middles was his favorite.

Tallboy raised a hand this time, and Kakashi lazily waved at him. "What about training?"

Kakashi raised a brow. "What? Oh yeah, don't worry, sparring will be daily."

Tallboy blinked. "No, uh...training I meant, like, _jutsu_ training."

He punched his other hand for emphasis, and Kakashi watched with amusement as it violently trembled with pain.

Girl 1 snorted. "Just use the Jutsu library right?" She said bitterly.

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, don't do that."

She whirled at him. _"_ _What?"_

Kakashi shrugged. "Those jutsu are booby-trapped. Usually crippling or maiming." Kakashi sighed happily. "I got to help design it to trap anyone that got a little too ahead of themselves or uppity."

 _"_ _Why?"_

Kakashi stared condescendingly at her. "Stupid child. A library full of fabulously useful jutsu that we just _happen_ to leave lying around? _Please._ As if every spy and hotshot genin in the nations wouldn't have broken in by now."

Her mouth puckered like she didn't know how to handle being called _stupid_.

Kakashi wasn't sure why, he'd _been_ to the academy and rightfully assumed it was a state of being these three pinnacles of genetic breeding and development were eminently familiar with.

"Then..." she replied weakly. "What are you going to teach us?"

"Well," Kakashi frowned thoughtfully. "Let's take a hypothetical. Let's say you're wandering, and you come across a jutsu scroll, old and cracked, the only thing to survive in the ruins of the great mansion you're exploring."

"Furthermore," Kakashi continued, raising his voice over the confused mutters of 'mansion, what mansion?'. "Furthermore, you know that your greatest enemy is nearby. It's the finest chance to kill him you've ever received. Eagerly, you open the Jutsu scroll praying for heaven-sent intervention, and intervene they do!"

Kakashi clapped his hands, a small firework of chakra lending it a little _unf_. "Within is a sure-kill guaranteed 100%-no-miss-or-your-life-back super mega jutsu that has quite literally," Kakashi paused for a breath, enjoying the twinkling of greed in their beady little eyes. "Literally _no_ chance, at all, _what-so-ever_ of failing."

They salivated a little more.

Kakashi smiled and dropped his finger, bringing his hands behind his back, and leaned forward a little. "But it requires you _violently_ debase yourself. Would you use it?"

Few joys in life equal watching the light drain out of their eyes to be replaced with deep resentment.

Except one, Middlechild the Oddly Inquisitive mutters something under his breath.

Kakashi felt his heart swell, but the other two didn't catch it. It would be _criminal_ for them to miss that, so Kakashi cocked an ear. "What's that?" He asked innocently.

Middlechild flushed, a deep ugly maroon that crept like vines up his neck.

"Public or private."

Unbidden, Kakashi felt a tear well at his good eye. _That_ was the kind of question he wanted _._

"Public," Kakashi said casually, hiding his deep pride with the same ease he concealed his face.

Middlechild joined the other two in the throes of sadness, and Kakashi sighed happily.

"That!" He said, " _That_ is the point I'm getting across."

He half-turned and jabbed at them with one hand. " _Style_ , children, is the most important thing any ninja can learn. If you look good living, you look good dead. If you look like an idiot, then we feed you to the Chakra Leeches and pretend you didn't exist."

The Tallest Sadness tapped his chin. "What about that one weirdo, the tall one with the bowlcut. We saw him running by the academy."

Kakashi raised a brow. They'd seen _Gai_ while he was running? He must've slowed down, probably to let the children witness his "youthful frame in action" or something ridiculous. "Gai? I hate to say it, but the man _lives_ his style if nothing else."

Elder Disappointment frowned a little. "But he looks...not _at all_ like a ninja? Wouldn't you try to feed him to the Leeches anyway?" The boy looked a little frustrated.

Kakashi clapped happily. "You're right! The first time I met him, I did!" _And the second, third, fourth..._

They looked horrified and Kakashi raised a finger. "It didn't stick though. I gotta admit, Gai is one helluva tough cookie, he was so strong he nearly killed them all. So!" Kakashi clasps his fingers together. "Instead, we doubled down on his 'crazy good' angle and pushed it as hard as we could." _Thanked him for it too, Gai did._

Girl 1 raised her hand and Kakashi was gripped by an emotion, the same emotion that he felt every time he saw her, and the same one that prompted him to dub her 'Girl 1'.

A feeling that told him that 'Girl 2' was not far behind 'Girl 1'.

The closest description for this emotion Kakashi could think of would be 'eager anticipation'.

"Yes?" Kakashi pointed at her cheerily.

"What's your style Sensei?" She asked, almost intrigued.

Kakashi leaned back a little on his heels, and brought one hand up to smoothen his hair back.

"Gorgeous, confident, skilled and competent." he said easily.

They threw up their hands in defeat, and Kakashi was satisfied that they got his point.

"Now, we could report to the Hokage, go on a mission, _train_..." Each new suggestion was met with a new level of dread, and Kakashi forced his amusement to withdraw, trying to give them a slightly more genuine smile.

" **Instead, how about we fatten you up**?"

Wait that came out wrong.

Ah, well. They seemed happy enough.

* * *

The next morning dawned early and bright. Birds chirped, and Kakashi had joined them, leaning against the memorial stone. He could swear his ass had worn a groove into the thing. It got more comfortable to sit on every time he was here.

Which was often.

The students wouldn't be around for a few hours yet, which meant that Kakashi had time to prepare the...fun? Was it fun to abuse and beat children into submission in order to carry out his will?

...

Yes, he had time to prepare the fun.


	7. Babysitting II

Kakashi moped his way slowly across the village, ignoring the entrance altogether to walk vertically up the tower.

Occasionally a chuunin attempted to join him, but they got slapped down quickly enough before they could get uppity with him.

God, chuunin were worse than genin. It was like watching a midlife crisis in action. They got their flak vests and suddenly it was like they had something to prove: all black, "tactical" gear, and some ridiculous menagerie of steel jingling like windchimes off their belts.

Given that Kakashi was occasionally accused of _having_ a midlife crisis, he felt that his instinctive revulsion of the little bastards was utterly justified. At least genin could be taught; chuunin had this weird thing where they were convinced some stupid tournament in a podunk shithole made them worth a damn, and went out of their way to try to prove it.

The only good thing Kakashi could find coming out of this was that they usually moved in troupes small enough to be expendable, and took the right missions to see things through. The Hokage fondly referred to the chuunin-only missions as "spring cleaning", and took great joy in providing them no warning at all for what was to come.

Sometimes the sadistic bastard did it for genin too, sent them on a mission way harder than the scroll would suggest, and watched them flounder when things went south.

Kakashi could only pray for such a mission; it was only usually ever done to genin the Hokage thought were worth a damn. High praise.

Kakashi casually backhanded another chuunin that tried to take the shortcut, and sent him plummeting off the wall. He took note when the Chuunin refused to scream on the way down; Danzo might be interested in that one. It was always inconvenient when the screamers started going off in the middle of having guests. _Soured the tea_ , the Hokage said. _Quiet ones were better. Stop giving Danzo the screamers._

Well, fucking excuse _him_ , it wasn't _easy_ finding the perfect blend of irritating dickishness and hateably mediocre competency in addition to _being quiet_.

Kakashi sighed deeply, snagging a "welcome brick" with his name on it that Shikaku had left out on the Hokage's windowsill, and hucked it through the window. The glass shattered, his name prominent on the masonry as it powdered, presumably on the far wall.

An anbu poked his head out the window, signing several rude gestures that Kakashi interpreted as an invitation in. Hokage must not have been having any guests.

Kakashi let himself in, hopping over the shattered glass by hooking a foot in the top and swinging in. He executed a neat flip and landed on his feet, bowing to his audience of one who politely applauded. Hiruzen slowly grabbed his pipe, tapping it out on a little dish as smoke wreathed itself around the man. His robes of white were still enviably spotless, one less to do with skill and more with the fact that the man never left the bloody room. He slept here. He _ate_ here. If Kakashi had been told that several desk-chuunin had been hired purely for cleaning up any leavings the Hokage hadn't bother moving to drop, well, Kakashi would have to admit that he hadn't realized that many desk-chuunin existed.

Hiruzen met his eye, more than likely guessing at his unkind thoughts and smiling in amusement. Kakashi shrugged.

Sarutobi leaned back a little, sighing deeply. "Alright Kakashi, what are you up to."

Kakashi pointed at himself, eye wide and innocent.

The Hokage matched him, look for look, an amused irritation in his eyes. "Kakashi, you've been gone for several days stalking some children. This is, bizarrely enough, _out_ of character for you, so I'd like to know why."

Hiruzen's right hand slipped enough to reveal the paperwork at his elbow, text conveniently clear enough to read.

 _Genin Registration Form_

This old bastard knew. He _knew_ , but ohho _ho_ , Kakashi was _not_ playing along.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Kakashi replied smoothly.

Sarutobi's eyes twinkled, and Kakashi got the game he was playing at when a different hand moved, revealing paperwork with a much different title.

My, how cruel.

Kakashi nodded slowly, and Hiruzen sat back, satisfied. The sheet that read _Genin Registration_ went into the bin, never again to see the light of day.

"I suppose it must've been a mistake then. Another one for the Tigers."

Kakashi hummed, swinging out the window with a parting finger for the anbu, who looked rather like he had a mess of his own for the desk-chuunin to clean.

Black Ops would do the children some good. Put some hair on their chest.

He snagged a brick that said _Asuma_ , winged it at a parting civvie, and whistled his merry way to the local Bathhouse.

* * *

Kakashi walked into the Sauna, and found Gai, bare-ass naked, doing weights in the center of the room.

"Ah! My youthful rival!" A flash of the teeth and the wink of an eye heralded Gai's shifting attention. "How are you this morning? The weather was wonderfully brisk."

"Doing well. Got a team now."

"Ah!" Gai dropped the weights and whipped around to look at him. "You passed a team!"

Kakashi nodded slowly, scared of...agitating him.

Gai fistpumped. "I knew you had it in you Kakashi!" He reaches over and clasped his shoulder. "I'm glad for you."

"Gai, put your Youth away."

"Kakashi, you know for a _fact_ that I cannot extinguish my Fires of Youth."

"Then for god's sake find a way to dampen them."

As Gai whipped a towel on over his Springtime, Kakashi rolled his shoulder.

"Look, I'm training my team up, and you know how that starts."

"Indeed!" Gai gave him the finger guns. "I gotcha Kakashi, no problem. Circuit around the village?"

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. "Actually, I'm feeling pretty rusty." He took a deep breath. "I'll be joining."

Gai looked at him slowly, smile ratcheting up an entire order of wattage. "My youthful friend!" His muscles started flexing involuntarily. Kakashi was unable to tear his morbid fascination away. "I am glad you've decided to finally stand once more! We will return you to the youthful and fresh warrior you once were!"

"Thanks G-"

" _In a week!_ "

Kakashi stared. "Gai, I need to work my wa-"

Gai was beyond words. "We will work every muscle in your body at the same time with a compression outfit, and then start you small while we run. 50-no, _500_ pounds to start." He winked. "To warm up! Then we can hit the Forest of Death!"

"Compression outfit?"

"A jumpsuit!"

Kakashi had a horrible niggling feeling that he'd fucked up. "...what?"

"Of course you must wear a jumpsuit! They keep your muscles warm and active! They cradle your body! They look _fantastic_!"

"...do they come in black?"

A cold fire lit in Gai's eyes. "Dark clothing is unyouthful. They encourage a sedentary and judgemental lifestyle. You will wear a youthful forest green in honor of our beautiful village and you will like it."

He knew it. He'd fucked up. Kakashi sighed his defeat and gave up. "I swear I'll kill you for this one day Gai."

Gai shot him a thumbs-up and Kakashi didn't even have the heart to resent him for it. "Don't worry Kakashi! You and your team are in good, strong hands!" And then Gai grinned like an animal, and Kakashi remembered why they were still friends. "Feel free to come at me at any time, my dear comrade! It will serve well to getting you back in form!"

 _Not even a hint of backing down_.

Kakashi smiled a little. "What is it now, 50-50?"

Gai immediately started limbering up. "A most unyouthful tie!" Both of them began cracking their fingers in harmony. "We must remedy this immediately! If I lose, I shall complete my warmup with your team on my forearms!"

"Well then," Kakashi muttered. "I'd hate to deprive my cute little genin of a sight like that."

* * *

Kakashi crawled out of the wreckage of the bathhouse, coughing a little. He shook the dirt off his shoulders, hissing as a few splinters caught at his fingers.

Gai had gone a little nuts, which meant that the property damage was extensive enough that they'd dock his pay. _Damnit_.

He looked around. Gai was...gone. Probably off to grab his jumpsuit so they could train.

God help them all.


	8. Babysitting III

"Sensei?"

Kakashi reached over and patted the child on the head. "Yes?"

Girl rubbed her nose nervously. "Why are we here?"

"Where's that?"

"Here. On this **empty plain**."

Kakashi chuckled. "Why, we're here to train!"

She looked slightly desperate. "For how long?"

Kakashi leaned back a bit and squinted at the sky. "Hm. The sun still appears to be rising." He looked at her, eye crinkled. "A few hours. I don't see what the issue is?"

She looked up at him, eyes swimming. "Sensei, we've been training for two hours already. You told us to be here at _four_."

Kakashi turned a little bit, and saw Gai, fists clenched to the sky, standing over the collapsed bodies of Girl's teammates. Rope like umbilical cords chained them to the Beast, and it was all that seemed to keep them from trying to escape.

He turned back and patted her hair some more. "Sensei was busy buying his plant groceries."

Red-rimmed eyes looked at him with all the impotent fury a 12-year old could muster. Truly, it was a sad sight, and Kakashi couldn't resist ruffling her hair a little.

"Don't worry, Sensei's here now."

He stepped forward, and Gai finally noticed him. "Kakashi!"

Kakashi watched as Gai pivoted on a pinpoint and burst into motion towards him, deliberately holding himself steady as Gai approached like a Snow Locomotive.

The poor children looked deathly and simply went limp when they arrived, the rope sliding gently off their waists.

"Hey Gai."

Gai was jogging in place, heavy footfalls crushing even the sparse greyish grasses that could survive on the sun-blasted plains. "My fashionably late friend, your hipness knows no bounds! However, the sun was high and the wind was fresh, so I took it upon myself to train your team a little!" His megawatt smile dimmed a little. "We simply must pay the academy a visit if this is the quality of Genin we will be seeing for the next few years. It is a most unyouthful sight. I was under the impression genin were trained further than this."

Kakashi raised a brow. Tall retched a little, subsiding with quiet hiccups.

"Maybe we should."

Gai nodded fiercely, his jogging picking up speed. "Nevertheless, these children are in a dire need of spirit."

Kakashi smiled a little. "Then it's a good thing we're on the Plains," he said, before clapping his hands. "Gather round everyone!"

Girl trundled over nervously, hands clasped.

Kakashi smiled. "Now, if you couldn't tell what was happening before Gai grabbed whoever was nearby, it's back to basics for you! Your scrawny bodies are an embarrassment to this village, so I and the man standing behind you will be ensuring that if an enemy should see you, you may perform your functions as literal wastes of space."

The kiddies looked bitter, and Gai slightly petulant at his choice of phrasing. "Kakashi, you musn't break their spirits so. They are the valuable, talented, and skilled graduates of the academy you chose, and they are the future of this village." Gai ignored the quiet "god forbid" that floated over from Kakashi and clenched one fist high. "We must ensure that they are capable of seeing it!"

"How's that Gai?" Kakashi asked pleasantly.

A lone tear ran down Gai's face, down his sculpted nose where it hung like an icicle off a cliffside. "By weeding out the weak!"

Kakashi grinned as horror began to dawn on their faces, confronted by a madman.

Gai turned like a whirlwind and began hoofing it into the distance. Kakashi turned to them before following. "Your job is to survive the next six hours." He said. "Best of luck!"

Kakashi slammed one hand down, and reached into his core. Chakra spun through his body like steel gossamer, as much a mystic liquid as a physical force. It rushed, it _churned_ , and at his level he could feel where it pooled seven times within him. Like stepped ponds overflowing, Chakra bubbled out of one node and spilled into the next until it finally drained into his chakra circulatory system to rush through all over again. But there was always a little waste, every time, a hair or two that branched out into the rest of him, permeating his muscles and digging into his bones like heated needles. It was this he tugged on, and like a cobweb drew it out of channels carved into him by time that more chakra continued to spill into. These threads he allowed to run like water, and into one hand, where he _twisted_.

Layer after layer he tore his chakra apart, like a piston he felt the chakra pound itself into granules, felt the air thrum with an organic beat that felt like nothing more than the intent to take a hammer to every nail in sight. And within half a second, he had a palmful of the sweetest earth chakra he could muster, shivering like thunder but steadier than stone. It was this chakra he allowed to pool behind his fingertips as he slammed his hand into the dirt, and simply let the chakra go _wild_.

Something deep below the earth responded, and Kakashi immediately took off running. The children, taken off guard, watched as their teacher got farther and farther away. "Don't worry!" Kakashi called back. "I only used a little chakra!"

Only the smaller ones would be interested in such a trifling amount. What he didn't add was that he and Gai were the largest sources of chakra for the next thirty miles, so they were in far, _far_ more danger than the children were.

It only took a few seconds more for the Hidden Miseries to begin cresting the earth.

* * *

Kakashi felt the tight gut-clench of anticipation as the earth beneath him began trembling. The sun was hot on his back, and he felt himself perspiring as the shaking continued to grow in magnitude. Then, a moment before what he estimated was the crescendo of the earthen harmony, Kakashi dove to the side, rolling to his feet and allowing the Misery to breach.

The ground exploded into the air, a sound like a train rushing past nearly sucking him into it.

 _ThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmpThwmp_

Ridge after ridge of cracked bony plating roared by as the great earthworm dove into the sky, screaming like a banshee and rear orifice tracking an entire mountain of dirt. Its great grey-brown body formed an arch as it was pulled back to earth, and when it turned Kakashi met the ring of eyes about its mouth. Tiny and yellow, crusted in dirt and detritus, the eyes blinked a thoughtless fury as they homed in on their next meal.

Only to miss the more dangerous of the two approaching from the side.

Gai screamed his response to the uncaring heavens, hair whipping about his face.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

Gai's kick shattered the bony plates, solid white bulwarks splintering to bits as his leg pistoned through and into vulnerable flesh, arms crossed over his head.

The beast lurched, flesh folding about the green limb, and an entire fountain of pungent stomach acid fountained from its smooth maw. Kakashi watched as Gai's momentum continued carrying not only him, but the _worm_ as well, either half warping like a wet towel and folding into the point of impact. A sickening wet _crush_ and a flower of blood carried Gai through. Other leg cocked back, Gai kicked into the worm _again_ , and this time the bony plating gave, shattering into a rain of white splinters larger than Kakashi himself. Both feet braced, Gai backflipped off the Worm, sending it rocketing and keening into the dirt where it landed like a bomb going off, dirt rising in a cloud visible for miles.

Behind Kakashi, Gai landed gently, skidding against the loose pebbles and panting.

"How bracing!" He said brightly and Kakashi sighed, smoothing down his pants where they had begun to ride up.

"Well, it's been long enough. Let's leave this one be, it's time to go get the kids."

The mournful cries continued, only abating as the worm finally maneuvered itself into a position where it could dive back into the earth.

Gai snapped his fingers weakly. "I'm sure they did well!"

Kakashi shook his head, and the two took off running, heads lolling a little from exhaustion. Back the way they came, they jogged at a pace that outsped horses, weaving through forests of broken cartilage.

Every once in a while, they passed a carcass of another of the great beasts, bodies stretching for miles and each one as violently expired as the last.

Kakashi hopped up on one with electrical burns like spiderwebs carved into every meter of exposed flesh, and looked around for three small dots.

"Gai, they went west!" He called, dashing along the serpentine creature. The footing was precarious; the giant landworms weren't quite as spiny or toothed as their Sandland cousins, but they made up for it with the noxious mucus they secreted from their jellylike flesh, and the durability of their stonelike bone plating. Kakashi even had to try a little to avoid slipping on the corrosive fluids, expunged upon death like viscera and bubbling like tar as they ate through even the metals that comprised the deeper layers of the plains.

When he landed on the other side of the worm and finally faced the open plains once more, Gai was already there doing his back stretches, still exhausted from opening the gates. He gave him a thumbs up, and the two began making their way to where the three children had been spotted fighting.

They arrived to see Middle go flying, casually tail-smacked by _one_ worm no larger than Gai standing on top of Kakashi. It breached with a little spray of dirt and dove at Girl who screamed and took a glancing blow.

The acid burbled a little at it ate through her clothing and gave her a rash. She cried a little in pain, and the other two rushed to try and help, all drawing corroded kunai to herd the creature away.

It thrashed violently in response, splashing even more juices about. None of the children had anything resembling a wardrobe left anymore, and their bare skin took the brunt.

Middle flinched back, but Tall, blinded by anger, hurled what was left of his blade at it, sending it rolling away onto Girl. She landed on her back with a _thump_ , the worm pinning her down with its mass.

Tallboy screamed and rushed it, running facefirst into the creature too tired to move as it lay on his teammate, and scored the plating with a fresh kunai, running it up the plate until it hit a joint and struck flesh. The worm screamed a little in pain, and Girl took the chance to wrap her arms and legs about it to hold it in place.

Middle and Tall exchanged glances and jumped on top, furiously hacking at the beastie until it whimpered and went limp, finally passing away with a pungent belch of associated fluids and gas.

The three genin collapsed, exhausted from the scant leagues they had run and the baby worm they had murdered.

Kakashi felt like sobbing.

He braced himself on his knees, avoiding Gai's twitching eye, and shored himself up.

It's fine. This was _fine_. There was still plenty of time for them to get better, and to learn.

He could do this.

He gently clapped his hands, and drew their attention as they squeaked in alarm at his 'sudden arrival'.

"We meet here every day for the next week!" He said weakly. "Go...go get some rest."

And with that, he turned around and made his slow, hangdog way back to Konoha, three little ducklings and a wounded beast trailing behind.


	9. Academy I

Genma blinked. "You want me to go with you?"

Kakashi hummed in the affirmative, signaling Hayate behind his back, who quietly cackled and replaced Genma's drink with soy sauce. "We could use your help."

"We." Genma repeated, leaning against the bar to peer at Gai. "Oh boy, the hell is this about?"

Kakashi shrugged. "The Academy fucked up, and I'm off to demand an explanation."

Hayate's muffled coughs echoed a little, and it took him a second to work up the breath to speak. "The Academy?" Hayate wiped his mouth, nodding gratefully at Genma, who waved him off.

Gai, leaned over, weights securely back in place. "Indeed. The genin Kakashi received seemed slightly deficient in the basics of training and ninjutsu." He sighed gustily. "Truly a shame."

Genma blinked, trading odd glances with Hayate. "Are you...never mind." He downed his cup of soy sauce without a fucking blink, stood up, and placed a needle firmly in his mouth. "We'll both come and help."

The bartender whistled from the corner, long and slow.

Hayate nodded, walking off to pay his tab with the bartender. Genma leaned in to Kakashi's raised brow, and whispered. "Yuugao's on a mission again. Long one this time, Hayate's all out of sorts. Let 'im have some fun." Kakashi nodded faintly, and snapped back to his dead-eyed stare when Hayate returned. "Well then, let's head out."

—

"HAAAAAAAAAANH?"

Kakashi had to physically restrain himself from tearing Genma's hair out. The noise was so loud, so _irritatingly_ obnoxious that even the fact that he'd _asked_ Genma wasn't enough to hold back the murderous intent.

The desk-chuunin manning the entry desk to the Academy got the full brunt of this.

She pushed up thin-rimmed frames gently, pursing her lips and generally seemed to be trying to not yell back. "Sir, please, you must quiet down. The Hokage himself has ordered that jounin not be permitted anywhere _near_ the-"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGH?"

Shame they didn't care to return the favor. Genma's ability to be murderously irritating on call made him an excellent distraction, and the secretary had already managed to miss _Gai_ slipping by.

Hayate pulled Genma aside, then banished even the brief look of relief on her face by leaning his sickly features way too close. "You must forgive my friend." He rasped. "He-" Hayate doubled over in loud coughs that were only _mostly_ put on, and the secretary-nin looked like she couldn't decide whether to help him up or finish him off.

Genma was there to pick up the slack though, and kicked Hayate _into_ the table. A spray of blood and a heaving Hayate made their way _on top_ of the now precariously burdened furnishing, groaning under the weight of forms and reports. Hayate took a little too much pleasure smearing blood on them.

And then the secretary-desk-chuunin began screaming and Hayate just started kicking papers onto the floor while feigning a heart attack.

Really, Kakashi might have even felt bad as he slipped by, if he wasn't aware that this was all that the secretary-nin's life _was_ and that by doing this they were probably giving her new lease.

A whole _new_ pile of documents to write, organize, sign, categorize, triplicate and file! How exciting!

No, Kakashi felt deeply proud of himself indeed, as he kicked over every wastebasket he passed. He'd be sure to accept their Thanks on the way out. Genma and Hayate too, since he'd given them free reign on messing with the bureaucracy for a couple hours, and the right to pin that shit on him.

Good deeds for the day complete, Kakashi kicked a window out and dove through, rolling to his feet on what the Academy called training facilities.

Gai was already there, weeping gently as he stared at what was essentially a dirty ring drawn in the dirt. That would be the ring part of the sparring "ring", Kakashi assumed. Ah, modern education, so much done and yet so little accomplished.

Kakashi ambled over, and gently patted Gai on the shoulder. "You can be the first to burn it."

"Burn what?"

Two head snapped to the side, homing in on a silver-haired chuunin who took a step back. "Whoa, whoa," the silver haired man blinked. "What're you do-oh I see." He sighed and rubbed his hair, bunching it up into weird lumps and curls. "You're jounin right? Scouting out the students?"

He grinned. "Sorry, but Lord Hokage says you're not allowed to be here."

Kakashi's eye narrowed. "Says...you?"

The man nodded. "That's right. Name's Mizuki, and I already know who you two are of course. Hatake and Maito right?"

Gai stood up, tearing his eyes away from the ring, and gave Mizuki a smile. "That is correct. We're here to inspect the academy."

Mizuki's smile dimmed like it was dark out. "I...I'm sorry? You're not allowed."

"We must audit the Academy," Gai said firmly. "I wish to inspect the facilities to ensure that the children are getting the best education possible."

Mizuki had stopped smiling altogether, and was slowly growing alarmed, as Gai simply began marching towards the buildings. Kakashi followed along, looking at the premises with a practiced eye for discrepancies.

He found none. Unsurprising, since he couldn't even _remember_ the place. A year or something in and out, and he'd never looked back. He couldn't even _tell_ if this place was good or not.

Good thing Mizuki was here to give the game away every time.

"The buildings seem kinda dirty." Kakashi said idly.

Mizuki frowned. "They seem plenty clean, we have students handle that weekly." He played with his bottom lip a little, tugging at it.

" _Do_ you."

Mizuki blinked.

"Yes...?"

"But why are students being left to handle such a task?"

Mizuki straightened a little, yet paradoxically seemed to relax. A practiced answer then. "The students are granted a surfeit of energy, but lack the responsibility and sense of duty that will later accompany such powers. We try to temper this by ensuring that they are occasionally humbled and their pride broken with menial tasks to ensure they remain compliant and obedient."

Kakashi nodded, impressed. A perfect answer. The academy had practiced for such occasions, despite not expecting them. _Interesting._

Or perhaps it wasn't the _Academy_ that had practiced for such things.

Gai grabbed the ball from where Kakashi had left it. "Ah, but do you not fear stamping out their youthful vigor?"

Mizuki coughed. "It isn't an issue. Rather, most Genin tend to come in far too anticipatory of violence and subterfuge. Jounin senseis have been complaining that their students are too jaded. Through systematic shattering of their hopes and dreams, we can allow Jounin-sensei's to rekindle that spark of awe as necessary to motivate their students."

Gai bit his lip, and Kakashi chose not to follow up. Mizuki had earned his smugness it seemed.

Not bad for a disappointment.

They continued walking, the squat buildings seemingly uniform in their stark banality. The dirt road they traversed was churned to mud at some points, though Kakashi noticed that Mizuki traversed it nearly as easily as he did.

"How long have you been a teacher?" Kakashi asked pleasantly. Mizuki laughed a little, far more relaxed than he had been before. "Long enough, you know? Years start melting together, I can barely tell anymore."

An open non-answer, but confident enough that Kakashi couldn't press. More and more, Kakashi began to wonder _why_ his students were so pathetic with teachers like this man around.

Or perhaps...

Seventeen signs to Gai, a modified anbu bodyspeech he'd modified with a select few for occasions like now, culminated with three twitches of his left pectoral and a hip thrust to punctuate it. Gai nodded confidently.

Kakashi spoke, making sure Gai knew to follow up.

"So Mizuki, where's the next stop on our tour?"

Mizuki absently sidestepped a pothole. "I figured you wanted to see where the shuriken and kunai training happens."

Gai seemed to be beyond caring, wading through the mud with the force of a plow.

"What of ninjutsu or Genjutsu training?"

Mizuki laughed, and Kakashi made sure to match him in tone. "No one trusts children with Ninjutsu or Genjutsu." He smirked at Kakashi, who very obviously agreed with him. Kakashi nodded vigorously, throwing Gai a scornful look while he was sure Mizuki was looking.

As soon as Mizuki turned away, they began pantomiming badly, Kakashi sweeping his hair back and flouncing through the mud while Gai began goose-stepping with an imaginary whip in hand.

They snapped back to a normal walk cycle when Mizuki looked around in confusion.

Hm.

Above-chuunin hearing and awareness, bold, confident while dealing with obvious superiors, seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of Jounin, skill attributed to long use despite his dynamic chakra manipulation being of an elemental nature, and general social awareness that chuunin didn't usually have.

Either a spy, anbu, or Izumo in a wig.

Kakashi wouldn't put it past him. Lazy prick.

But there was only one way to tell.

Kakashi patted him on the back. "Hey Izumo, why are you still awake?"

Mizuki whipped around. "Snake?!" He shot Kakashi an alarmed look, that slowly withered to his base swagger. "What?"

Kakashi coughed a little. "Nice wig Izumo."

Mizuki continued staring at him, a look of deep confusion in his eyes. Kakashi and Gai exchanged disappointed looks. Not Izumo then. Fuck, that meant there were _two_ chuunin Kakashi found tolerable. What a fucking mistake.

Kakashi poked Mizuki in the shoulder.

"Wha-"

Gai socked him so hard he flipped in midair and went facefirst into the dirt with a tremendous wave of mud, a ring of blood _exploding_ out and splashing high into the sky. Kakashi turned away a little so it didn't get in his good eye.

Well, not anbu then.

Guess he had to be a spy.

Kakashi clapped. "Let's keep going!"

"Wh-why...?" Mizuki croaked from where he lay in the dirt, dirty face slightly upraised and hand outstretched.

Gai grabbed his hand and hauled him to his feet. "You had a fly on your face," he explained brushing him off.

"Oh..."

Kakashi took great pleasure in Mizuki's deep befuddlement. They were finally back at his pace.

"Let's keep going!" He cheered.


	10. Academy II

Kakashi watched as Mizuki stumbled to his feet, frazzled. The man clearly knew _something_ , but what that was no one seemed to know. Maybe.

Kakashi felt that he'd need to question **the other teachers** to get a better idea. There was clearly _something_ to his feeling, and he just needed some validation.

Or validation in general, really. He was kinda tired, kinda hungry, and he'd been interacting with Gai for over 8 hours now. He could _really_ go for a nap.

Mizuki shook himself off, staring at Gai warily, but a little scared to call him on it.

Gai stared right at him. "We were on the way to the shuriken practice range, yes?"

Mizuki swallowed, shoulders slumping as he slowly let something go. "Yeah, alright."

The rest of the walk was quiet, punctuated only by the occasional sound of animal sadness coming from the classrooms, and the sound of an actual animal responding in kind from the village.

Kakashi made a note to look into secret communications with strays. Just in case the students managed to communicate with unpatriotic scavengers looking to destabilize the modern ninja system. Like their parents. It wouldn't do for parents to think too hard about what their children were doing in the academy. Children had a way of horribly overexaggerating even mundane things that happened before the chuunin-senseis could Genjutsu them into believing otherwise.

Speaking of which...

Kakashi focused, and even behind his headband felt the eye slowly whirl, his cornea and pupil responding with the characteristic tightness of his sharingan coming to life. This would be far easier if he could take the headband off. The eye itself acted as a natural Genjutsu focus; even at its weakest the movement of the spinning eye was easily distracting enough to slip a thread into someone's mind.

But even behind his headband, he could use it to focus his threads. Mizuki was at a rare point of balance between weariness and exhaustion. Eventually they would sour into dislike and resentment, but for the moment he was cowed enough for the Genjutsu to grab ahold.

The inside of his mind, however was a different story. Labyrinthian and complex, Mizuki's mind spoke of a great deal of preparedness, something that only became stranger with Kakashi had gathered about the man. And while Kakashi would have been able to place it in him regardless, it was with a little shame that he realized that **if he hadn't had the chance to practice on his little genin** , he may have accidentally tipped Mizuki off in the process.

Gai would never know. Not now, not ever. This was Mizuki and Kakashi's little hush-hush secret.

The Genjutsu itself was nothing complex. The shadows were made a little longer, the sun a little harsher, the pareidolia slightly more responsive to innocuous things. Overall, the effect showed in a quiet sort of way, as Mizuki began hunching a little, eyes flickering back and forth, long periods of attention spent looking at shadows or doors, as the feeling of being watched slowly intensified.

The guardshitter9000 was a nice little trick Cat and Bird had helped him work out in his anbu days in the field, and if the patterns held, Mizuki would be feeling jumpier for quite some time.

Mizuki began moving faster, showing them the broken poles of the empty shuriken training range, and then hurrying them off to the flower arrangement classes where a few girls were still trying to pick out the prettiest blossom from the garden to make the centerpiece. Gai was nearly spastic, and Kakashi had to physically restrain him from jumping into the garden and rolling around. Mizuki in the other hand began muttering about "eyes hidden near the dirt" and "I'm sorry my lord the job is incomplete" and "I shouldn't have taken a dump near the labs" or some other shit.

By the time they made a circuit of the place, Kakashi was exhausted from maintaining the illusion, Gai was shaking like a junkie, and Mizuki seemed distinctly uncomfortable.

"Al-alright." Mizuki gave them a brittle smile. "I showed you around!"

Kakashi nodded slowly. "You did."

Mizuki nodded eagerly. "That's right. I did. I did it." He seemed to take a small amount of meaningless pride in that. "...now, you can go home."

Kakashi and Gai stared at the somewhat stupid man, looked at each other, and started loudly laughing.

Mizuki's tense shoulders slumped. "I was afraid of that..." he muttered.

Kakashi spun over, look of focus concealed by the mask, and slung an arm over his shoulder.

"You know," he said conversationally. "You could take us to meet your fellow teachers."

Gai saw where he was going. "That's right, we-we _love_ teaching." He lied loudly, nodding to himself.

"And _teachers_ ," Kakashi added emphatically. "They're _great_."

"B-but you-" Mizuki sputtered a little until Kakashi placed one long finger against his lips. "Shhhh- _shhhhh_. No words now. Only delegation of responsibility."

Mizuki whimpered a little. Kakashi grinned, and dug the chakra fibers a little deeper into his mind, winding around bundles of neuroses and secret fears. Kurenai could've played him like an instrument, had him singing like a Geisha in the Daimyo's hall while she strummed his every wish and fear like strings to the tune.

Kakashi could manage a Kazoo solo in a dirty alley at best, so instead he tightened the grip on Mizuki's pareidolia, deepening the shadows and greying out his sky. Every window was a face and every flicker a blink.

Mizuki violently twitched. "I-Iruka's on call," he croaked.

" _Good._ "

—

Kakashi sniffed the air. "No wind."

A nearly greenish haze of accumulated sweat and hormones made their way into his gullet. Kakashi's eyes narrowed. No mere mortal could tolerate such levels of toxicity and be unaffected.

Gai looked around, troubled, enough musculature in his furrowed eyebrows to bench three of the children sitting like the damned about them. "This place...this place has no youth at all."

They had just walked inside a classroom, but Gai and Kakashi were finding it hard to walk any further. Mizuki strolled in deeper casually, the emotional connection with the place easing him and strengthening his mind. Kakashi grunted quietly, and let the Genjutsu dissipate. They'd found another teacher anyway.

Not to mention the _class_.

Truly a place of sin. With misery so tangibly in the air, there was _definitely_ something else going on.

Kakashi took another, somewhat shallow breath. "This is almost more than I can take."

"Snake?!" Mizuki whipped around in a panic, before calming down. "Oh, uh, yeah."

He waved at a man standing stiffly at the front of the room. "Yo, Iruka, can you crack a window?"

Iruka stared back drily. "The windows have all been glued shut. Maybe your unnamed guests would like to take a shot?"

Mizuki winced. Kakashi smiled. "No thanks! I find the haze somewhat adds to the mood."

"Certainly more than your presence does." Iruka glared back. "Is there a reason, sir, that you are interrupting my classes?"

Kakashi coughed to try and recover with some grace. That one burned on the way down. Kakashi found himself hating Iruka immediately and immensely, the upright standoffish man immediately pinging every unpleasant button in Kakashi's head.

Kakashi frowned, immediately less suspicious of Iruka. Strange, were the other teachers not in on it?

"We're trying to discover if someone has been tampering with the academy-"

A loud rasping cough interrupted Kakashi, as Mizuki appeared to have swallowed his tongue by accident.

Gai gently patted his back, an odd look in his face, but Mizuki hastily waved him off.

Kakashi shrugged and turned back to Iruka, only to see that the man had left the podium to put one of the children into a cobra clutch and demand that it stop cheating.

Gai began applauding, eyes sparkling, and nearly slamming Mizuki out of the way and into the wall. The windows rattled loudly, the dust of ages falling to the bad earth after what must've been at least a couple months of no cleaning.

Kakashi look up the raised rectangular windows, flush with the ceiling. They let entire bars of light in, allowing the forty-odd hellions to see worth a damn with their unenhanced vision.

Oddly, none of the other students seemed to be paying attention to them at all, instead focusing single-mindedly on the paper they were working on. Not a look up, not a blink away, not even the student being twisted into a pretzel by Iruka seemed to have anything but the work he was doing on his mind.

Kakashi's eye narrowed. There was something deeply suspect about that. A line of methodology he found very, very familiar. Hallmark, even, of a certain traitorous madman. "Mizuki..." he asked mildly.

Kakashi heard an audible gulp.

"Have you ever met a man..."

Kakashi turned around and pinned Mizuki with a look. He was sweating.

"...named Danzo?"

Mizuki immediately relaxed. "Oh yeah, sure, stumps around, curses from two different places at the same time, _really_ invested in education."

Kakashi sighed. "Oh good, I was worried that it was some foreign influence."

Mizuki's eyes bulged, and his hand reflexively went to his collar.

A few seconds later, Mizuki started laughing loudly, confident and boisterous, and Kakashi joined him. Gai's booming tenor joined after a few perplexed seconds, and Kakashi relaxed a little.

Mizuki had been successfully cowed.

Mizuki was likely alone, or wasn't in constant contact with his partners.

Mizuki had a master, and it was probably Danzo, but might not be, or might also be.

Mizuki was part of a bigger plot.

Mizuki, for all his intelligence and training, was kind of an idiot.

Time to milk this moron for all the information he was worth.


	11. Babysitting IV

"So." Shikaku's eyes opened, and he looked at Kakashi with one of the most soul-crushingly bored looks ever visited upon man. "Traitors in the academy, huh?"

Kakashi leaned back against a tree, shuffling a little. "Yeah, pretty much."

Shikaku looked at him, reclining sideways into a cushion on his porch. "How troublesome."

"Yeah, pretty much."

Shikaku yawned, and stretched a little, forcing himself to sit up with what appeared to be shaking arms. Kakashi would have accused him of being a bitch if he hadn't known for a fact that it was his willpower to care that was shaking, not his muscles.

"Why are you such a bitch?"

Or maybe anyways.

"Why do you care so much." Shikaku mumbled a little, still halfway between sitting and lying down, and looking like it was a deep struggle to choose.

Well, nothing he could say to that. Kakashi found himself yawning a little, the sheer depths of apathy on display draining him after a...kind of long day? Shorter than most he'd had but still...

Kakashi threw a pinecone at the man, watching somewhat vindictively amused as it bounced off his head.

Shikaku shot him what would be a testy look on another man, but for him was essentially a murderous glare.

Kakashi snickered and rotated his wrist.

 _Get on with it_

Shikaku audibly groaned. "God, you're such a fucking _drag_." Shikaku continued dragging himself up until he was upright _enough_ to stop caring. It was still a listless slump, but Kakashi was somewhat touched by the attempt.

"Alright," he sighed. "So subtly traitorous, suspicious, talks about snakes, has no hobbies, sad sack of shit, no life, apathetic and dickish to strangers, barely competent as a ninja yet tolerably so, and just generally somewhat overconfident for his lot in life."

Kakashi racked his brain for a moment. "I don't remember saying those last parts."

"Cause I wasn't talking about him." Shikaku looked at him sleepily. "I was talking about _you_."

So much for being touched.

"You've got room to talk there." Kakashi grumbled. His eyes flashed a little. "How's the wife, still calling you a disappointment?"

Shikaku grumbled and threw the pinecone at back at him. Kakashi allowed it to bounce off the fluffiest side of his head, still smiling. "What's that I heard yesterday? 'Be a man and motivate him'?"

Shikaku was getting incensed now. "That's not _my_ fault. Shikamaru's got a good head on his shoulders. He's self-aware enough that he doesn't need me." A half-lidded glare met Kakashi's eyes. "How many people heard."

" _Everyone_ ," Kakashi said with relish. "Kid's got the Nara laziness, huh?"

Shikaku groaned a little. "Not, strictly speaking, laziness."

Kakashi raised a brow. "Not laziness? Then what is it?"

"Horrible crippling depression at being the only ones capable of seeing how screwed we all are."

Kakashi thought about it for a second, before squinting at the man. "Is that true?" A slow smile spread beneath his mask. "Or is that what you told your wife yesterday so she'd leave you alone?"

Shikaku made eye contact for a second, before grumbling and rolling over away from Kakashi. "Alright," He said tiredly, still facing a wall. "So, you like the guy, and tested him, and he's a traitor. Right?" Kakashi hummed. Shikaku's hand appeared behind his head, ruffling it. "Was...was it Danzo?"

Kakashi grunted.

" _Damn_." Shikaku cursed quietly. "Could've sworn that was it." He looked over his left shoulder to peer at Kakashi, one eye meeting the other. "Alright, don't share this with anyone. I've got some leads to follow up on, but I'll let you know if anything happens."

Kakashi shrugged. "Not even Lord Hokage?"

Shikaku quieted a little. "Lord Hokage..." Shikaku hummed. "Lord Hokage can be, shall we say, emotionally compromised by certain topics. I've been granted authority to take charge of such situations without needing to inform him."

Kakashi's eye narrowed. "My _my_ , that certainly is some kind of power. Where did you get something like _that_ , my Lord Commander?"

Shikaku rolled over.

"From the Lord Hokage."

He spoke soberly, and that was all that needed to be said.

—

Kakashi clapped his hands. "Ah, _morning_! The sun rises, and allows us all to appreciate being alive another day!"

Dead silence.

Kakashi turned around, and saw his three little misbegotten bratlings lying on the ground and seemingly trying to sleep.

He turned and met Gai's eyes. Gai nodded a little reluctantly, but he knew that sometimes a little motivation was good for children.

Three minutes later the squirming sacks of flesh screamed for him to save them as a little baby, half the size of the one prior, began circling their heads poking out from the dirt.

He made sure to remind them that thrashing too hard might call more worms, and ran off to join Gai.

It built character, Kakashi was sure.

—

Kakashi leaned against his favorite gravestone. "Man," He said conversationally, tapping a bottle of booze against the stone. "The academy really is going to shit."

He took a long pull.

"Not that it seems all that different that before." He admitted. "Hell, might even be better. I sure don't remember learning anything there."

A few beats of silence.

"Well, they'll live. Pinky promise. And you _know_ pinky promise is the _realest_ shit Obito."

—

"Sensei!" Middlechild howled, nearly tripling over himself as he ran. "They're gaining!"

Kakashi turned a little, and grabbed the ropes tying the children to him as they ran away from a behemoth landworm. It swam like a fish, diving in and out of the earth with blasts of doton chakra like splashes. The rumbling continued growing louder, and as the worm approached, Kakashi waited for the last second before tugging middlechilds rope _just_ hard enough to get him barely out of the way. Middlechild tripped from the sudden jerk, arms and legs windmilling before he caught his pace again.

"SENSEI" Middles blubbered, and Kakashi made sure to tug his rope again for good measure. Less complaints, more running.

"Ha _ha_!" Gai crowed, dashing past them with his legs curled over his head. "My hip rival, perhaps you won the race yesterday, but if I cannot win today while running on my hands, then I shall run on my knees tomorrow!"

Kakashi thought about it for a second, nearly forgetting to care enough to tug Girl 1 out of danger.

"Next time, no rope." He decided.

Nothing like a good maiming to motivate them.

—

Genma slammed the bottle of soju down. "-so I ask him right? Why cut off the pinkie? Big tough yakuza family boss, he doesn't even need a sword grip anymore. You know what the alliance head said? 'He'll never be able to make a pinkie promise again.'"

The cheer echoed through the bar. Hayate burped a little, wiping his mouth and smudging some kind of sauce on the corner of his thin lips. "That's the realest shit ever. That's, that's fucked up man."

Ibiki patted his back. "That's the harshness of the world kid." He grinned a little. "Sucks to suck though, I made sure anyone who tried to take my pinkies bled for it."

Anko laughed from where she sat at a lower table. "You took the screws over losing a pinkie."

Ibiki shot her a dead-eyed look. "You never know the value of a pinkie promise until it's gone."

Kakashi nodded a little. He understood.

Genma tried to grab at the soju, but neatly missed, grabbing the bartenders hand instead. The bartender promptly stuck a fork in it, and Genma fell off his stool, howling in pain.

A svelte woman in a neat red dress stepped over him and took his place, smiling. Kakashi snickered. "Stealing drinks now Kurenai?"

She laughed a little. "Not my fault he fell off."

"Bitch!" Genma wept from the floor. "Bitch you did this! You put me in a fucking Genjutsu, don't tell me you didn't!"

Kurenai's smile took a nasty edge. "You gonna back up that smack talk or walk, little _to-ku-bet-su_."

Dead fucking silence in their corner. Kakashi gripped the mouth of his sake bottle, and eyed Ibiki. The grinning man seemed a little too entertained, and the less said about the state Anko was in, the better.

And then Hayate tried to excuse himself and it all went to shit.

"NEEDLE BARRAGE!"

The bar didn't survive the ensuing riot, and nor did Genma's pride.

—

"Aha _ha_ , my dear rival, today I will be victorious!"

Kakashi didn't even bother to look at Gai.

"Oh?"

Gai nodded confidently. "Indeed!"

"Why's that?"

Gai jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "The worm chasing your children today is far larger than yesterdays."

Kakashi looked over his shoulder, and sure enough, a twenty-foot wyrm tore after his weeping charges, occasionally splashing them with more acid. Kakashi noted that their clothing was beginning to suffer for it, as they clearly had not been rotating exercise outfits. The worm itself was _oozing_ , and Kakashi noted that if they hadn't been rotating outfits, then the worm pheromones he'd been secretly spraying them with was likely starting to build up.

Kakashi thought about that for a second. What would happen? They lacked the chakra to be anything _resembling_ a meal, but the quantities of pheromones meant that the worms would still be feeling a strong pull. Not to mention how the pheromones might start affecting their body chemistry.

For the sake of science and curiosity, Kakashi decided not to mention it.

"You're right, the worm _is_ larger."

Gai's eyes flashed. "Indeed! It sets my youthful flames ablaze!"

Kakashi looked doubtfully at him for a second.

Gai coughed. "A low simmer, at least."

"Lower than you?"

Gai looked down at himself, where he was balancing on his knees. "I'm not sure what you mean by that Kakashi?"

Kakashi sighed. "Nevermind." He waved him off, and began speeding up. Gai had no issue matching, and did so with burning eyes.

"No! You must tell me! I am uncontrollably curious now!" Gai's voice whipped to him, incensed.

"Nah."

"Ah!" He shouted in frustration. "How cool of you to resist the temptation to tell me! But I insist!"

"Nah."

"My youthful friend, your hipness truly knows no bounds!"

—

"Got nothing yet." Shikaku sipped at his drink quietly, the teahouse one that didn't see ninja patrons too often. Not ones from Konoha at least - the leaves were imported. One of the smaller nations, Kakashi believed.

"Moon country."

"Hmmm?" Kakashi looked up. Shikaku didn't meet his eyes, half lidded as they were. He took a long sip, and put it down. "Moon country." He repeated softly. "We had them brought in. Shipping lanes have been getting a little busy, so they gave us a good deal."

Kakashi hummed.

"I didn't think we were getting involved in the trade."

"We're not."

Kakashi looked at him questioningly, but Shikaku waved him off.

—

Genma cursed softly as the drinks arrived and slopped gently in their cups. The hardwood bar was a well-maintained one, but Genma's little slip wasn't the first of the night.

Beside him, Ebisu smirked in the dim light. "Is Mr. Genma too clumsy for a little alcohol? _Please_ , do avoid spilling when you drink."

Genma shot the ponce a filthy look, who only chuckled in response, pushing up his indoor sunglasses.

Gai hummed a little. "Rare to see you around Ebisu." His eyes were a little too bright, Kakashi suspected that letting him go ahead with Hayate was a mistake.

Ebisu's lips twitched. "I decided that it was about time to treat myself a little." Kakashi's eyes drifted up, and noted that the bandanna around Ebisu's head was both brand new, and monogrammed in the corner. Gold thread.

"Oh?" Anko leered from a stool farther down. "Do we have a big spender in the House? Mr. Moneybags have a little too much pep in his step?"

Hayate laughed a little hoarsely. "Compared to how much we drink? He might be." Gai shot him an odd look, mirrored by Ibiki and Kurenai. Hayate leaned back in response, confusion growing like a mist. Kakashi chuckled. "Hayate, the difference in paycheck between Tokubetsu and full Jounin is a full zero or more."

Gai's furrowed brows cleared like sun after a thunderstorm. "Indeed! While I enjoy spending my money in pursuit of a healthier and more youthful life, Kakashi hoards his money away like a squirrel. A rich squirrel." He thought about it for a moment. "An unyouthful squirrel."

"But rich," Ibiki chuckled. "I've got some hobbies of my own, so I'm always right on money." No one on the table was willing to ask the darkly chuckling man what he called a hobby. Hayate looked mournful. "Even if I saved up, I spend all my money on Yuugao."

Genma eyed him. "Dude, she makes more money than you, why the hell are you buying anything."

"That's not the point," Hayate snapped waspishly.

Kurenai laughed a little. "You and Asuma must subscribe to the same school of thought. I've seen his bank account, and he really _shouldn't_ be treating me like he does."

Anko snickered beside her, sidling over. "I notice you didn't mention anything about _your_ account," she cooed. Kurenai started giggling even harder, and the two high-fived to the sight of the sinking expressions at the table.

Ebisu straightened stiffly. "Well, then, I n-"

Genma's hand jerked out and he tossed his full cup of alcohol into Ebisu's face. Ebisu sputtered violently, turning red in the face and coughing and spitting.

Gai turned to a stunned table.

"Why?"

"You know," Genma said slowly, sounding genuinely puzzled, "I'm actually really not sure. I think when he told me not to spill my drink, 'spill my drink' was the only thing that stuck."

Ebisu's sputtering eventually quieted to a gentle hiss as he calmed. Gratefully accepting a handkerchief from Kurenai, he quickly and softly wiped his face off and folded it with a quiet promise to have it washed. Genma watched the man with a blank look as Ebisu slowly stood.

"Well," the Black-suited man said, looking directly at Genma. "Time to fight."

"Wait wh-"

—

"Sensei what is that?"

"It's rope."

"What is it for?"

"Don't worry about it. Now, take this end, and don't let go for any reason."

"Sensei, why are you placing flash tags on the rope."

"Not to worry my dear Genin! Your sensei cares for you deeply! I am certain that this will be a valuable learning experience for us all."

"Kakashi-Sensei is running away Gai-Sensei."

The first tag at the end of the rope exploded. A couple worms poked out their heads to see what was happening. The next tag in line went off, and the worms began following the noise.

"Good luck my dear genin! I am certain you possess the will to see this through!"

—

"Kakashi you're not joining us tonight?"

"Probably gonna turn in early tonight."

"Really? Why?"

"...gotta feed my shrubs."

"That's some dedication."

"...not really."

—

"Sensei why are you pushing us off this cliff into the worm nest."

"Because Sensei loves you all very much."

"Sensei why."


	12. Babysitting V

Kakashi whistled, short and sharp.

They were back in their favorite favorite training ground 7. It was as pristine as ever, grass and trees and rocks all welcomingly cool in a somewhat temperate summer breeze. His three brats were in various states of disarray, and not a one failed to tense as though waiting for the ground to give underneath them.

Shame he'd not brought any Miseries, the Hokage had banned him from doing so after he nearly took out a part of the market district by letting it off the leash in Kotetsu's home.

But they didn't need to know that. It helped that he'd already told Gai what was going on, and the man wasn't here to spoil the surprise. The surprise of _more training!_ Body training was done for the moment at least; they'd done the basics of basics in basic body tempering, and there would be time to pursue that further.

The last week of training had been rough on them, their clothing looking more worn that ever, their eyes wary and their bodies starting to grow pockmarked and scarred. Kakashi had no sympathy on this front; dodging acid being sprayed at you seemed like something you shouldn't have to learn. It seemed simple enough at first glance didn't it? But then you tried, and suddenly it got exponentially more difficult as you had to decide things like _whether to dodge_ , and _what direction to dodge_ , and _is it even worth the effort to dodge_...

Their clothes seemed to agree with him. They were pretty much a uniform shade of brown, and all of them had, by the end of the week, decided that being clothed was the better part of cowardice and moved to thin and flexible pants. A mistake, as it so happened. But nonetheless, their bodies showed that things were beginning to change, chakra enhanced muscle recovery ensured that nothing was stiff or pulled by their daily training. The baby fat was beginning to burn away from the corners of their jawlines and hey, if Kakashi squinted, maybe their arms seemed a little thicker.

Maybe he was being optimistic.

Hayate had always warned him about that, optimism. Had a way of blinding the eyes to the truth, made you believe in what you wanted to see, instead of what was. No, this was the time for sober self-reflection and realism.

"Children, you continue to be constant disappointments."

The truth hurts, sometimes.

Girl 1 threw up her smudged arms in disgust, and turned away in a huff, small kunai pouch jingling. She certainly seemed to be taking that personally, though Kakashi couldn't really see why. It wasn't her fault she had no talent.

Tallboy on the other hand, snorted violently. "How's that Sensei." He scratched his face, picking at a long thin cut that went from his ear to his nose. He looked to have improved the most from training, his bullish appearance having started the process of getting wider, and his shoulders starting to hunch from his own preference in fighting head-on. His jaw was set in a stubborn pout. It was an ugly look on him. "I'd say we handled your training pretty well."

"Now now, these are simply objective facts you know." Kakashi waggled a finger. "But I suppose it isn't all on you. I think it's time we trained in something very important and dear to my heart. Teamwork."

The children looked at him somewhat incredulously, little beady eyes focusing his face.

Kakashi nodded.

They shook their heads.

Kakashi nodded.

Their shook their heads harder.

Kakashi drew a kunai.

"Must we?" They begged.

Kakashi crouched down a little, and looked his children in the eye.

"Can you do a beam?"

They looked at each other, uncertain, wondering.

Kakashi smiled gently. "Then you could use more teamwork."

—

"Yo. Hey, pass the ball."

Kakashi hung gently on his tree branch, paying more attention to Michiru and her plans for the heirship of her noble home, than to the listless children below.

"Yo." Tallboy repeated loudly. "Throw the ball."

Middlechild worked up the effort to push up his glasses with one hand, while trying to use the other to grip onto the greased rubber ball. "Give me a second." He grunted as the ball slipped, and rolled away.

"Shit." Girl 1 had a throbbing vein on the side of her head. "That doesn't count right? He was fixi-"

"Back to zero," Kakashi said from the treetops. Michiru really was precious; poisoned tea? What a sweetheart. He flipped the page loudly, and he caught the children flinch from the corner of his eye.

Perhaps he should've left them with something more than _do teamwork_ and _here ball_ and _keep it 100_ and the command to _have at it_ with the ball and the teamwork and the points but, well, these things just couldn't be helped sometimes. Teamwork just happened after all, and occasionally that meant sending them behind enemy lines with thirteen kunai and a single flak best between them, and sometimes that meant trusting they knew what to do with a ball and a running counter.

Tallboy swore sulphurously, going after the ball. He reached down, but it slipped from his frustrated grip one, two, three times. Nearly screaming in anger, he punted it.

The three of them watched it sail high and curve down, landing with a quiet _splash_ in the river. The ball continued bobbing merrily down the river before their horror-struck eyes.

"If you lose the ball," Kakashi sang from from his eagle perch, "you can't progress."

One, two, three beats of silence, before Gorl's frustrated scream broke their hesitation, and as one they dove into the river after it, thrashing and splashing.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Maybe they _were_ improving.

—

 _Boink_

Kakashi felt his head move slightly back, and saw the rubber ball bounce off his forehead and bounce back to the children. There was a sticky, greasy spot on his forehead where it had made contact, and it began itching in the heat.

He looked down, and met the mutinous looks of his genin.

"Why?"

Middlechild pushed up his glasses, and Kakashi noted that the frame was a little more damaged than it appeared at first glance; the listing to the right was due to a hairline crack running the hinge and loosening the screw. His dirty, dirty fingers covered in blisters certainly didn't help either. "Sensei, we've been using teamwork the whole time. Since the test even."

"So you have." Kakashi said agreeably.

"We've killed those filthy hellspawn with teamwork." Girl 1 said quietly.

Kakashi hummed. "I suppose you have indeed."

"Then." Tallboy spoke, shaking a little. He knew the consequences of speaking, of what would happen if he finished his sentence. He spoke anyway.

"Then stop fucking _patronizing_ us."

Well then. No takesie-backsies, cross your heart and hope to die.

Girl 1 pointed at him. "10 points for the head. 5 for the chest. 1 for a limb." Tallboy nodded, eyes lit, and Middlechild pushed up his broken frames once more. "Sensei said 100 points right? He never mentioned that we needed to do his exercise to get them, or his rules to tally them."

 _Can't blame us for doing this Sensei_ his intent whispered.

 _Fucking watch me_ Kakashi replied.

Perhaps, Kakashi thought, he had brought this on himself. Had they actually been at odds, perhaps this would have bore some fruit as they learned to get along. But given that they'd been getting used to cooperating against single enemies, he should've expected that they'd go after him. Violence bred violence after all, and while his newly gained epithet of _unfeeling cunt sensei_ scrawled proudly beside _copy ninja_ and _useless asshole_ in his copy of the bingo book may have indicated otherwise, Kakashi was determined not to let chances to educate his children slip away.

Kakashi shut his little book and gently tucked it away.

Time to raise some hell.


	13. Babysitting VI

By the time Kakashi had stood up, they had already split up. However, given that Tallboy had been kind enough to call him out, Kakashi figured that he'd do him the kindness of letting him be first.

A quick set of handseals saw Pakkun popping out of a cloud of smoke, and Kakashi quickly scooped him up. The little pug squirmed a little in his hold, so Kakashi gave him enough room to turn, and began rubbing roughly behind his ears.

A muffled whine from Pakkun was enough to content him. The red-eyed little mutt looked up at him from his hold.

"Boss, you gotta stop doing this." He whined. "How am I supposed to lead the gang when you keep pulling this shit?"

His droopy little folds flopped a little over one eye, and Kakashi fought the urge to cuddle him some more. The unreasonably adorable white pug seemed dead-set on putting up a tough front, despite the rest of his "gang" far more comfortable napping on his roof or using his fan as a belly scratcher.

But he had to let him go; Pakkun's stubbornness meant that if he continued poking at him, the little pug would take bloody vengeance. So with a little reluctance, he allowed Pakkun to leap from his arms and turn to face him.

"Alright boss," he said, squeaky voice hardening into something far rougher. "What's going on here. You were doing training with the kids."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "The kids mutinied."

"You had it coming."

That seemed unreasonable. It wasn't his fault that they couldn't take a little banality. Good heavens, he'd raised adrenaline junkies, hadn't he. That's what this was all about. He'd given them a taste for the good life, a little threat, a little homicide, a little danger, and bam, they were hooked.

And then, out of the goodness of his heart, he pulled them out to train them a little, give them a little _e-du-ca-tion_ in the art of not fucking up your teammates by accident, and suddenly they needed a hit.

Kakashi sniffed a little. Really, what were children coming to these days, all gratification and no consequence. He'd need to take care of this with a delicate hand, and make sure they had good care.

Yes, he decided, drawing his favorite kunai. It was his duty to ensure they got their fill of death and danger so they could settle down once more. Ahh, the responsibilities of a teacher truly were endless.

"Pakkun, I need you to find Tallboy."

A quick bark of acceptance and they were off, racing casually through the trees to where the genin...waited. In a clearing.

 _Alone_.

It seemed that his lessons hadn't quite sunken in. Perhaps he sh-

A kunai sailed past his head. It wobbled a little as it flew.

Or maybe he could just beat him into the dirt.

He jumped down, landing lightly on his feet. His hand reached down for his b-

A wild haymaker. Kakashi was fucking insulted that he'd try something that juvenile.

A hand tapped his swing aside, and he moved into it, letting Tallboy's momentum carry him into Kakashi's upraised knee. A lazy snapkick launched him into the air, and Kakashi spiked him back into the dirt, grabbing his frizzy hair so hard he felt the strands _pull_ and swung him down like a sack of potatoes.

Spitting, Tallboy pushed himself up, and dove at him. Kakashi steppes to the side, and kicked backwards, but Tallboy managed to react, spinning around and pushing Kakashi's leg to the side. He drew a kunai with his other hand, and Kakashi allowed his to spin on a finger into a proper grip, so that when Tallboy swung, Kakashi's favorite kunai was there to meet it. Edge to edge, chakra spilled like water as Tallboy furiously tried to cleave through the blade. Kakashi stepped back, getting his feet back under him, and stepped forward again. Their blades clashed, a thrust being slid aside into a upwards cut. The blades met again and again, slice and counter, thrust and counter, strike and counter.

They broke. The two dodged backwards, hands already going to pouches.

"Damn Sensei, you slipping or something?" The boy smirked wobbly-like, his brow twitching a little.

Kakashi raised a thin eyebrow. "Pardon?"

"Well I mean," Tallboy drew a kunai and started polishing it on his shirt, point down. "You can't keep up with all these skills right? You like the results of my training?"

Kakashi was _not_ in fact, unable to keep up.

"Gai-Sensei did a good job right?" He smirked.

Kakashi saw red. Oh _hell_ no. "Gai," Kakashi says with no inflection. "Taught _you_ ," a vicious jab, "how to use a kunai."

The boy smirked and his hand slipped on the knife, sending it tip-down into his collarbone.

Kakashi, for once, did _not_ comment as Tallboy began loudly hissing in pain.

"Right," He said. "Trained. That's you."

"Shut up!" Tallboy wiped his tears away, a little flap of skin raised on his collarbone. "I'm talented! You can't even point out anything to improve!"

Kakashi sighed. "I totally can."

"Can _not_."

Kakashi briefly considered hanging him from the Hokage tower by his underpants.

"If I can't," he said slowly, "it's because you're so trash that you are literally _incapable_ of anything resembling a style."

His eyes flashed. "Fuck you."

Kakashi sighed. Fucking children, couldn't they just wait like normal fucking people? Couldn't they see he had a _plan_? One step long, maybe, but he could always add another later. And maybe it would have even said "train children" on it for once, who knows. But no, fucking Gai ruined everything with his competence and emotional development and caring and now this stupid child thought he was hot shit. The point is that _fucking get off my back child._

 _No_

Tallboy dashed in, bloodied kunai back at the ready and already swinging.

Kakashi grit his teeth. Fine.

"Raise the blade higher, and turn your grip."

Tallboy stepped back and readjusted the blade so it fit in a more functional grip. Readying himself again, he stepped in, swinging. Kakashi leaned back, and let the blow swing over his head.

"Tighten your elbow so you recover faster."

The elbow tightened inwards, curving the swing in and ending the strike prematurely. The blade flashed up and down, into a still out of place Kakashi, who simply held his balance with chakra and stepped out of it. The blade flashed down harmlessly.

"Don't expend all your force in a single swing, redirect it."

Swing miss, swing miss, swing miss

"Grow taller."

"Fuck you."

Swing miss, swing miss, swing miss

"Eat your vegetables."

"I hate them."

Swing miss, hurl.

Tallboy closed in with his fists, kunai going wide, and Kakashi matched him. Open hands simply swept Tallboy's blows aside, Kakashi's base reflexes fast enough to keep up.

"Why haven't you tried adapting to my movements?"

Tallboy grit his teeth, and tightened his fists to his chest.

"I _have_!"

He popped down and up, deeper into Kakashi's chest, and threw out more hits. Kakashi slapped the right hand aside and grabbed the left, twisting it into a straighter shape, and forcing his shoulders into position. The first he halted from moving.

"Jab."

Tallboy broke off, and jabbed. It was poor form, too messy and slow.

"More."

More jabs, flowing messily, shoulders going crazy and elbow popping out of formation. Kakashi kneed his gut, letting him crumple into the leg.

"Put less weight into it, you're slowing it down."

" _You're_ slowing it down." He wheezed, sweat pouring like little rivers down his face. His whiteish hair was matted with it by now, scalp showing through the bunched fibers.

Kakashi thought about that for a second.

"That's true." He admitted.

From that position, Kakashi's knee forcing his gut back, Tallboy jabbed again and again and again. Kakashi caught every single one, slapping the elbow painfully back into position in ways that would have crippled him had he not used chakra.

 _That feel when you're so trash that not even my help can save you_

The jabs eventually slowed, each one messier than the last. Kakashi grabbed the back of Tallboy's head, bringing his knee back to free Tallboy's gut and slammed his skull into the dirt.

"Get some rest and practice."

"Can I not and say I did?"

"Sure."

"Fuck off," He wheezed. "Fuck, at this rate I might go crazy yanno?"

"Crazy?" Kakashi cocked his head. "Now why would you do that?"

Tallboy gurgled a little. "Fuck, you're crazy too, you know? Fucking nutso Sensei, you do some crazy shit. No one else has nearly died as many times as we have already. Shit, at this rate I might as well jump off the Hokage's tower and save myself the trouble."

"Can't do much about you losing your shit," Kakashi agreed cheerfully. "But if you keep this shit up I'll save myself the trouble and _throw_ you off, so how about you start taking some notes or something since your dear Sensei took out his precious time to remind you that you're garbage?"

Tallboy tossed him a loose salute, and collapsed once he jumped back up into the trees.

Pakkun was waiting for him in the boughs.

"That was unusual for you." He observed.

Kakashi snorted. "You had a point."

Pakkun's little tail waggled, pleased, and he led the way to the next one.

—

Tree hopping, at some point, became a reflex. It went beyond practiced, went beyond causal ease, and entered the sort of thoughtless norm reserved for walking and breathing. It made it real easy to dodge the halfassed traps around the clearing Middlechild waited for him in.

Middlechild stood there, with some of the most baseless confidence Kakashi had seen in a while.

And he did it in a fucking green jumpsuit.

Kakashi walked out of the trees, mildly horrified. "Why."

Middlechild turned to look at him. "Gai-Sensei gave us jumpsuits after the training we did, and explained how they would help make us better and stronger."

"And you _bought_ that?"

Middle looked affronted. "He knows the science and knew what he was talking about. I saw no reason not to listen to him."

"You look ridiculous."

"I make it work."

Kakashi choked a little. "You really don't."

He snorted. "Says you. I feel stronger, and I look good anyway, so what's the big deal?"

Kakashi looked at him in mild despair.

"Never wear one again and I'll teach you something cool."

"Done and done." Middlechild walked off, presumably to change into something less ridiculous, while Kakashi fought to restrain his disgust.

—

The lust for blood was thick in the air when he arrived casually.

"Oh man is it th-"

"Don't even say it Sensei."

Kakashi shut his mouth petulantly. Man, this was the worst. Students talking back to him like this, fuck, he was stepping up their training. See how well the little pricks could talk shit with missing organs.

Grumbling, he rubbed the back of his head and stepped further into the clearing, looking at the little girl standing defiantly in front of him. Man he was _not cut out for this shit_ , like, fuck. He was so much more comfortable shooting the shit, or killing some asshole, or getting drunk with his friends, but come the fuck _on_ , what _was_ this shit.

"Alright, how about this." Kakashi clapped his hands, and curved his eye up. "Let's play Twenty Questions!"

She looked at him steadily. "Why?"

"Because Sensei is very goddamn confused right now!" He said cheerfully.

She rolled her eyes a little. "Alright, fine, whatev-"

"Sensei goes first."

She gnashed her teeth.

" _Fine_."

"Why did you split up?"

She huffed out a breath. "For _you_. We did it so you wouldn't feel horribly uncomfortable acting like a reasonable adult in public."

Kakashi took a long second to digest that, struggling to swallow.

Fucking _ouch_

He sniffed a little. She started grinning. God, children were ugly.

"Alright sensei, why aren't you teaching us?"

He blinked. "I am."

Her mouth continued flapping _open - closed - open - closed -_ and just shut her mouth. He blinked at her. She seemed to be wrestling with something. He took the chance to brush any tears away.

"Alright, my turn." He said, "What was the plan here."

She pouted for a second, before chewing through whatever had her tongue. "We knew who you'd go for first, so we had time to bait you into getting into the right mindset. From there it was just breaking you down and finally getting you into a mood for answering questions."

He raised a brow. "How would you know who I'd go after?"

She stared at him. "He challenged your authority. Of course you would."

He leaned back, affronted, and she stared at him drily. "Other jounin sure, you'd get unpredictable? But against genin? _Us_? Even _if_ you saw through it, why would you care?" She chuckled nastily.

Kakashi looked at this child, and came to the conclusion that she may have been a little too invested in the plan, and not enough in the outcome.

"Alright," he pointed out. "But what now?"

Her chuckling cut off abruptly.

He sighed, a little. Fucking _genin_ man.

"Alright, I gu-"

"Sensei, you're kinda shit."

Kakashi looked at her. "That's a kinda messed up thing to say. Are you quitting? 'Cause that's how you get fired."

She rolled her eyes, blowing some of her chin-length hair out of her face. "No, I'm not Sensei. I'm pointing out that you've gone out of your way not to interact with us."

"Because you're terrible."

She stared at him. "How would _you_ know?"

Where the fuck to even _begin_ with this shit? Kakashi could spend a day and a night telling them every _single_ way they irritated him.

"Because Sensei knows best."

She gave him an arch look.

"Why are you scared of us Sensei?"

Fucking _what_

"I'm really not." Kakashi said flatly. "The depths of the sheer lack of terror I feel in regards to anything about you should frighten you. I'm pre- _emptively_ disappointed by most anything you do."

"In regards to anything about us, save one." She said softly, mimicking an expression Kakashi had a nasty feeling greatly resembled his own as he'd walked into the clearing.

Fuck, the little shit had him there.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He lied.

Her brow furrowed. " _What_? But you..."

He kept a completely straight face. "Sensei is a little worried for you now."

She stamped her foot. "Fuck _off_!" She stabbed a long hand at Kakashi, and Kakashi made an affronted expression. Spitting in anger, her words were nearly mangled. "You! You! You f-, we talked to Gai!" She shouted.

Kakashi gave her a deeply amused look. "You did, did you?"

She stamped her foot. "Yes! Yes we did. _You_ didn't tell us anything, so we had to ask around."

Kakashi's rubbed the back of his head. "Oh yeah?" His curved eye met hers. "And what did you hear about your dear Sensei?"

She deflated visibly. "Not much," she admitted sadly. "You're too much of a lonely shut-in."

Well, that stung.

"Insulting your Sensei?" He shook his head mockingly. " _Someone_ never learned to respect the chain of command."

He was full of shit and she knew it. Didn't make her expression any less funny.

"We respect it!" Her voice went high. Puberty? How cute, now he had to deal with hormones too. _Wonderful_. "We...we respect it, and we respect your authority."

Must've hurt, spitting out a lie that pointed.

"Do you?" Kakashi hummed. "And yet you go around your poor sensei's back, investigating him and digging out dirty little secrets and rumors."

She shot him a dirty look. "As if you didn't do the same for us."

He reared back, offended. " _Me_?" He gasped. " _Investigate_ my own students like that? Well, I _never_."

He hadn't, actually. He'd paid a desk chuunin to do it for him, and then stolen back the money and given the desk-chuunin to Danzo after he reported in.

"You made someone else do it, I bet!"

On point, this one.

"Regardless of any potential sneakiness and foul play on my part," he waved. "These things need proof. You _don't have any_. I _do_."

He hunkered down a little. "Now, who did you find."

She chewed her lip, wanting to call him out. But she didn't. Kakashi's eye narrowed. She didn't want to, because she knew something. She'd found something, and wanted to throw it in his face. She _knew_ , and wanted to tell, just so bad. Bursting at the seams, with secrets. Have secrets, must tell. Oh man, gotta tell the secrets.

"We found Gai-Sensei." She admitted.

Kakashi's eye narrowed. "And, what did you do?"

"We talked to him!"

She knew.

"You know about the gravestone."

"We know about the fucking grave." She threw up her hands. Kakashi was willing to bet it was because she'd said the secret. Had secret, already told. What now, buttercup?

She was on a roll now. "Don't know who's on it, but I bet it's a genin team you had before us, isn't it! You're afraid of being a fuckup again, aren't you?!"

Man, some people tried to tell him not to believe in magic. Tried to tell him that believing in miracles was an exercise in futility. But if miracles weren't real, how else could someone be so _wrong_ but so _right_.

She puffed her chest out. "Iruka-Sensei even visited us and asked us about you, and Gai-Sensei told us not to talk about 'youthful indiscretions' around you!"

She started pacing. "We didn't know what it was about, so we started talking. People always mentioned that you love...er..." she blushed. "Dirty stuff. You like it _sooooo_ much. And how you're irresponsible. You're always late, and making dumb excuses."

"You already knew both of these things," Kakashi pointed out.

" _But you weren't doing it to mess with us!_ " She whirled around. "You're just _like_ that!"

She went back to pacing. "So we discussed, and we figured out that the reason why you never bothered to go to the red-light district, despite your crippling insecurity and desperation for... _hm_...was because it was tied to this!"

She whirled on him triumphantly.

"You went to go have fun and came back to _everyone dead_ , didn't you?!"

Kakashi threw up his hands in defeat. "God chose your canon. Who am I to deny."

She was turning even redder now. "How are you so _casual_ about this?' This is life and death! Don't you feel _anything_?

Kakashi snorted. "Alright, allow Sensei to educate you about life and death."

He started pacing back and forth. "You're born. You eat. You take a couple good shits. You drink. You sacrifice someone to Jashin for a better liver. You drink some more. You smoke a couple motherfuckers. You sow some wild oats to replace them. And then you die. That's life and death."

She was visibly taken aback by this.

"But-what about your students?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Eh. They're dead now."

"You don't mean that."

 _No_ , Kakashi's mind whispered. _You don't._

"Try me."

Her eyes narrowed. "That." Her voice was stiff. "That is the wrongest you've ever been."

At this rate, Kakashi would need to start doubling down on his lies, and there was no fucking way that would end well.

"Don't worry," he changed the subject. "I'll be sure that it doesn't happen again. So just relax or something, Sensei will take care of it so you don't die horribly in your sleep."

"I don't want that! Don't take out your fucking attachment issues on us, you asshole!" She sounded _pissed_. "I refuse to believe that life is that barbaric! I refuse to believe the Will of Fire is that trite!"

Kakashi wanted to just fall to his knees. _Will of Fire, Will of Fire, Will of Fire_ , why was it always with the fucking Will of Fire.

"We're a ninja village, yes?" Kakashi pointed out with forced calm. "We do ninja things. Things like murder, theft, and arson when necessary, right?"

"Right." She nodded confidentially.

"Then," Kakashi said slowly. "Where does the Will of Fire come into that."

"The Will of Fire bring us together and allows us to work towards the greater good of the village," she answered confidently.

Kakashi smiled a little smugly. "And so, whatever performs this act embodies the Will of Fire?"

She grit her teeth. She knew it was a trap, but she couldn't see what it was.

"Yeah."

"Then let me show you the Will of Fire."

Kakashi threw his head back, arms upraised to the sky and leaned back as far as he could go.

"MONEY!" He screamed.

" _MONEY!_ " The sky echoed back. Or maybe the river. Or the rocks. Fuck, maybe it was the forest. Who cared.

"There." Kakashi thrust one accusing hand at the sky and the receding echo. "There's your precious Will of Fire. Heaven-sent."

The Girl looked like he'd slapped her. All bug eyes and fringe and redness.

Kakashi spread his arms. "You're welcome. I'll take my Will of Fire in 20's please."

Girl screamed in anger at Kakashi and rushed him. Kakashi waited till the last second, then stepped aside, tripped her, and stomped her head into the mud a couple times for good measure.

There, he was already feeling better. Rubbing the back of his head, he started walking away, feeling oddly tired.

Hell, maybe it really was the reaper up there calling back to him, crouching like some fat fucking desk-chuunin, waiting to write him some fucking citations. ' _Assaulted 10000 civilians for no reason, go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not see your loved ones._ ' Fuck, the reaper really would be some goddamn desk-chuunin wouldn't he. No one else would be stupid enough to accept a dead-end job like that.

He was melancholic now, shit. They'd gotten him good.

"Shit planning and poor follow-through aside," he said, slightly gruff. "It was a good plan, and some solid teamwork even when you separated."

There was no reply for a long moment.

He heard the _squelch_ of mud as Girl 1 rolled over to face the sky.

"Sensei?" She sounded about as drained as he felt. All the fire was gone from her voice. She sounded small.

"Hm?"

"Did you really mean everything you said?"

Kakashi sighed.

"No. I didn't. Ninja, remember? Underneath the underneath."

The _slorp_ of mud told him that she was nodding. Slower and slower.

"Sensei?"

She was nearly asleep, now.

"Yes?"

 _Don't take out your fucking attachment issues on us, you asshole!_

"Our names are Sayo, Maruichi, and Saeki. They didn't get a chance to introduce themselves, but it's nice to meet you Sensei."

Fuck

He continued walking away.

"Man..." he sighed. "Genin are _such_ assholes..."


	14. Guidance I

Konoha at this time of day was so...

So goddamn bright...

It didn't even have the decency to be evening yet, so Kakashi had to deal with the sun constantly shining in his eyes as he moved across the entire residential district and part of the little slice of heaven Konoha called the restaurant district.

Heaven for the consumer, that was. Konoha's restaurant district was no less than 40% Akimichi owned, making them the de-facto controlling share of the restaurant scene barring the Hokage himself. It was a competitive world, and for all their geniality, the Akimichi were cutthroat businessmen when it came to their precious wares. Having the likes of Shikaku and Inoichi around to give market forecasts and business advice likely went a long way, but the Akimichi were proud to call every restaurant they owned a "family business", and it showed.

Rumor had that the Akimichi had started spreading the image of jolly fat men in tight clothing, in order to undercut their competitors. If they had, then it worked wonders. A chef was not to be trusted if they weren't fat, and an owner was not to be trusted if he was any thinner. The Akimichi dominated the scene with a combination of handmade goods and vicious marketing tactics, ranging from forcing construction to occur on avenues bearing successful competitors (the damage was oddly rotund), to making children fear the image of suited lawyers and businessmen everywhere.

"Chouza!" Kakashi called hoarsely, sweeping aside a beaded curtain to haggardly flop into a thick bar table. "I'm sad and desperate!"

A rather thick-boned and cheerful man made his way slowly from the kitchen, hissing and gingerly patting off his smoking apron.

"Kakashi!" He rumbled cheerfully. "I hear you made the sort of mistake you find difficult to undo!"

Kakashi sighed. "I accepted a genin team."

Chouza paused, an odd expression on his face. "Ah." He said. "That sort of mistake."

Kakashi groaned. "Who."

Chouza rapped a thick finger against his jaw. "I cannot say who, particularly." His thick voice was rich with amusement. "The memory slips these days. But Genma is stopping by with a proposal in a little bit."

Kakashi groaned. Of course. Half the village probably knew by now.

"Well, then." Chouza hummed. "You're in a bit of a spicy pickle, aren't you."

Kakashi rubbed his forehead. "They have _names_." He moaned. "They're _people_ now. How do I handle this?"

Chouza blinked slowly. "Well Kakashi, the number one lesson about bringing a life into this world, is to accept the responsibility you've taken upon yourself for doing so."

Kakashi looked at him. " _I_ didn't do that."

Chouza raised a brow. "Don't be silly Kakashi. Academy students aren't people. You turned them into something worth noticing, and that's on you."

He turned around, and called out something indistinguishable into the back, an answering call and a warm bowl sliding onto the counter the reply. Kakashi inhaled. Fried pork cutlet and noodles. Kakashi looked up, and Chouza gave him a wide sweep of the hands.

 _Go ahead_

Kakashi dug in immediately, the crunch and slightly oily meat sinking into warm, slightly vinegary broth. He felt himself salivate, reflexively, while chewing, the whole thing deceptively tender.

Before long, the bowl rattled empty, the last drop of liquid soaked into his chopsticks and cheerfully sucked out.

"What's this about?" Kakashi said, picking at his teeth. Chouza chuckled. "It was a thank-you on behalf of the Ino-Shika-Cho."

His eyelids cracked a little wider open, the brown eye visible focusing on him with steely focus. "You gave Shikaku some kind of riddle a few days ago." Chouza waved away Kakashi's idle question before it was posed. "No, the old shadow-creeper hasn't said a word to us, but whatever it is has him worked up into a right tizzy."

Chouza grinned. "It's bad enough that he's actually taken to showing up for breakfast! Yoshino near had a heart attack the first time she found him mumbling over her miso soup."

He let out a great, hearty laugh. It was a warm, happy sound, and Kakashi felt himself relaxing a little.

"So whatever it was," Chouza finished, pulling out a tablecloth and beginning to sweep off the countertop. "It's got him more invested than anything in years."

Kakashi shrugged. "Glad to help."

"Right then, **you wanted some advice** right? The kind that'll keep you going through the dark days of fumbling jutsu and tripping over kunai?" Chouza rapped his chin, and snapped his fingers. "Right then." A great meaty hand laid itself with deceptive gentleness on his shoulder. "Remember Kakashi, everyone is to blame for your problems but you."

 _Ah_

Kakashi stood up with a jerk, arm outstretched. "Thanks Chouza," He said happily. "I resent your culpability in saddling me with this issue, but I appreciate the advice."

Chouza winked. "Anytime. Now, go ahead and take a seat in the back, I gotta start cleaning up."

Chouza and some hires immediately began the arduous process of cleaning the place up for the night, stacking chairs and tables and mopping up. Kakashi decided that concern for his fellow man was always an investment worth making, and was sure to let each hire know whenever they'd missed a spot. After a polite pause of a minute. Kakashi accepted their glares of gratefulness with grace, waving them off.

Eventually the air shifted, the rich scent of porkbone, vinegar and soy going way to an earthier one of soil and rain. The moisture-heavy air seemed to sweep in, followed closely by one Genma Shiranui, shaking his wet hair out and looking more than slightly nervous to see Kakashi there.

He veered towards him, steps growing quicker, until he was all but running when he grabbed Kakashi's left arm and spun them both around.

" _What the hell are you doing here_." He hissed, almost visibly distressed.

Kakashi's eye bounced. "What are _you_ doing here, I wonder." He muttered. "A little birdie I saved on the way was so grateful, that he told me he'd seen you spreading some rumorses here and there. Like birdseed." The eye narrowed. "I'm seeing a lot of birdseed in this room. Spilling out of their pockets even."

Genma made direct eye contact, stating firmly at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He lied firmly. "Anyway, I'm doing something more important than schoolyard shit like that."

A single gray eyebrow raised.

Genma's eyes darted left and right. "I started a secret society." He muttered.

Kakashi's eye narrowed. "What kind."

"The dangerous kind."

"Why."

"Someone needed to."

"That's not an answer."

Genma's eyes narrowed. "Kakashi, you don't know what you're messing with. This is big." He turned a little to look at Chouza, who had stuck what appeared to be entire beehives in his ears and was humming loudly at the front, eyes pointedly looking up.

Convinced that the coast was clear, Genma turned back to Kakashi, voice a little softer than before. "I'm taking a stand Kakashi. I wanted to do this before, but I couldn't."

Kakashi started playing with a needle of his own, spinning it between his fingers. "What changed?" He asked idly.

Genma sighed, frustration starting to bleed through. "I got a backer, a man that understands my goal and vision. But I need people to carry it out."

Kakashi looked at him square. "So he sent you out to recruit loyal nin from within the village." He said idly, needle spinning faster between his fingers. "To carry out your goals." The needle was a silver blur now. "And you _bought_ it?"

The needle in Genma's mouth swirled in agitation. "This needed doing Kakashi!" He hissed. "I saw wrong and had to make it right. No one was doing anything and I had to fix it!"

Kakashi sighed. "Are you _certain_ that this was the right thing to do."

"Of course."

Kakashi's needle went flying out the entrance, burying itself in some civvie's behind somewhere. The screaming began.

"...does the Hokage know?"

Genma reacted like he'd shoved an Adder down his pants.

"What are you, _crazy_?!" He squeaked. "This is _Top Secret_."

"Why?"

Genma looked incredibly nervous, but leaned in and hissed quietly. " _The Hokage's office is compromised_."

Kakashi's heart nearly stopped.

" _What_?"

Genma waved his hands trying to hush him. " _Sh-sh-sh_ , that's why we're taking action." He looked at Kakashi seriously. "You're in, right?"

Kakashi thought about it. "I don't know Genma..."

"Come _on_ Kakashi," he pleaded. "We need you. The _society_ needs you. You're one of the _best_!"

Kakashi hesitated.

Genma bit his lip.

"We have cards. A way to identify each other in case the worst comes to pass. It's secured so only people you allow can read it. I can show you who I'm working with. Good faith."

"Show me."

He handed it over, hands shaking a little.

 _ **THOT PATROL**_

Genma's voice hissed in his ear. "Members list on the back."

Kakashi flipped the thick card over.

 ** _Members:_**

 ** _GRAND WIZARD Genma Shiranui  
BACKER Shikaku Nara  
PRACTITIONER Anko Mitarashi, Danzo Shimura  
POOBAH Hayate Gekko, Eikichi Dengai, Date Hoshimura, Homura Mitokado_**

"Why is Hayate even on this list? He's dating Yuugao."

"Yuugao threatened to castrate me."

"She threatened to castrate you to let him in?"

"No, she threatened to castrate me and Hayate begged to join once she left."


	15. Guidance II

Genma solemnly smacked two cards together.

"I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Thot Patrol."

Polite applause all around the room.

The members sitting in a circle were joined by Chouza and a can he was holding.

Anko looked around, picking her teeth idly with a needle. "Aren't we missing a few people, Mr. Grand Wizard?

The tin can in Chouza's hand rattled, and a voice echoed from it, tinny and muffled. "I _am_ present."

Anko stared deadpan at the shining object. "Shikaku, why are you talking to us through a can."

Chouza coughed. "We wove 40 lengths of rope together and led them into the Nara property. Shikaku is talking into a can on the other side."

"Is there a reason he isn't present?"

"He didn't feel like moving."

Homura, aged and bitter, glared at the can. "I'm glad to see that nominating you into the position of Jounin Commander installed the sense of virtue and responsibility Saru assured me you possessed."

Chouza shrugged. "Not really. It just gave him more money and resources to avoid work with. He still forwards all his paperwork to you."

Homura slammed the table with the cane, wordless with anger and miming strangling a figure about Shikaku's height. Chouza immediately tossed the tin can over his head, taking a few steps away, and frantically signing _I told him not to do it_ and _please don't have a heart attack it'll lower my restaurant's rating if Inuzuka smell a corpse_ and _Inoichi helps him_. A muffled _troublesome_ echoed from the now-dented container.

Kakashi cocked his head. "What are you doing Shikaku?"

A long pause.

"I'm lying down where I'm in view of the window, but the odds of rocks hurled though it hitting me are impossible."

 _How oddly specific_

That train of thought was interrupted by a loud stomping, followed by the slow creak of the door opening. Danzo slowly shuffled in, turning slightly to pull the door closed behind him. "Am I late?" He asked mildly.

A long, slow pause occurred as everyone slowly turned to face Genma. Genma shrugged. "He was _very_ enthused with the idea." He began clapping enthusiastically, banishing the atmosphere of _what the fuck Genma_ with practiced ease. "Alright, we're all here! Now, let's go in a circle and introduce ourselves!"

Danzo slowly stumped his way around the loose circle, eventually stopping at the empty spot next to Kakashi. He whistled, low and sharp in a wavering cadence, and two not-Anbu nin dropped from the ceiling, holding a somewhat cushy chair. They bent over, holding it steady for Danzo, who plopped himself down on it with a huff. "Makes the old bones ache to walk this far," he grumbled.

Anko snorted. "Sure thing pops. Who do we start with?"

Hayate looked down a little. "How about with the two people I _don't_ know."

Genma squinted down at his card. "Mr. Dengai and Mr. Hoshimura."

He turned to where they used to be seated. A large bloodstain now covered the floor, and no bodies were visible.

Genma stared expectantly at the bloodstain. "Would you like to introduce yourselves?"

The bloodstain did not respond.

Homura grunted like stone chipping. "Mitarashi, explain."

Anko looked indignant. "Why me?! Anyone here could have done it."

So it _wasn't_ a bloodline technique

Homura narrowed his eyes. "So you say, but I know for a fact that these two men were staring at you earlier."

Anko sniffed. "So? I get stared at lots."

"Perhaps you are used to drawing people's attention with your insipid antics." He replied sharply. "But I also know that they were staring at your opened, completely exposed mesh shirt."

A coughing snicker echoed from the receptacle of local unconcern lying in the corner. Chouza, who was standing behind Homura, turned away, thought Kakashi caught the shadow of a smirk on his face.

Anko reddened. "There's nothing wrong with my mesh shirt!" She hissed, covering herself a little with her coat. "Everyone can see it! My mesh shirt is great!"

"That's true..." Hayate muttered. "It _is_ a very high-quality mesh shirt. Her social status is _so_ high."

"Quality." Chouza snorted a little. "I've brought better mesh for Chouji, for less than she paid. I know what nin-brand that is."

Shikaku's smirk was audible. "Family-only provisioners. No one's got a patch."

Chouza air-fived, and somewhere, you have a feeling Shikaku did too.

Anko sniffed. "Well, for those of us _not_ spilling coins and birdseed from our pockets, this is a perfectly good brand. People _love it_."

Kakashi raised a hand. "I'm a fan."

Danzo blinked slowly. "Girl, perhaps you have these idiots fooled, but that mesh shirt is _damaged_."

Slight gasps all around, except from Homura who smirked victoriously. "Mitarashi, put them back. _With_ the mesh clothing you stole off of them. The _un-damaged_ , and _clean_ ones." He emphasized.

Anko twisted her fingers a little, and looked away. "I did nothing." She said stubbornly. Homura's eyes thinned. Anko must've caught something because she rushed to continue. "But," she added, "If I did, then they're _probably_ somewhere no one would ever care about. And missing their mesh shirts."

Kakashi caught Danzo muttering a silent _thank-you_ her way, and had a feeling he'd be seeing two more not-Anbu at some point.

Genma sighed a little. "Fuck it." He said, tossing the card over his shoulder. "The rest of us know each other. No point if I can't introduce my cool new friends to you guys." He stared mournfully at the bloodstain. "They were gonna make me look _so good_ in comparison..."

A muffled sigh echoed from the can. "Can we get on with it?" Shikaku's voice echoed plaintively. "I'm getting tired of talking into this pickle jar. It's making me hungry. And that's making me tired."

Chouza coughed. "We needed to get creative on short notice."

Genma sighed.

"Alright look."

His face drew serious, and people stopped leaning back.

"I get that some of you think this is for fun. Some joke. A good time." His eyes panned across the crowd. "You know what? That's fair. You're allowed to think that. But I actually somewhat care about what we're here to do."

"And what is that, exactly?" Anko asked languidly, stroking a somewhat bloody mass of mesh clothing.

Hayate bumped Kakashi's left shoulder as Genma began espousing his virtues. " _Why is Anko even here?_ " He asked from the corner of his mouth.

Kakashi caught Anko's eye, who grinned and made sharp jabbing motions in the direction of Genma's legs.

Kakashi leaned his head to the left. " _She speared his tackle._ "

" _Oh. He told me it was because the Thot Patrol was equal-opportunity._ " A short pause. " _You mean they had sex, or...?_ "

" _I'm not sure._ "

"Are you two finished?"

Hayate and Kakashi looked up, to see everyone staring at them. Homura cocked a brow.

"Hayate ran out of ball cream for his chakra herpes." Kakashi said instantly.

"I'm in immense unending crotch pain." Hayate added hastily. "Genma ran out."

Genma snapped a finger. "I knew I was forgetting something. Don't worry, I ordered some for the organization." He winked. "I also ordered something else - hats!"

He reached behind him for a box, pulling it onto his lap. "Everyone go ahead and grab one as I pass it around." He shoved the box at Anko, who began rooting through it with a happy cackle.

Hayate and Kakashi immediately leaned back towards each other.

" _Why the hell did you tell them about my herpes?!_ " Hayate hissed, punching Kakashi in the side.

" _It was the first thing that came to mind. Does Yuugao know you gave her herpes?_ "

" _She gave_ me _the herpes._ "

Kakashi pauses at that. " _...that's kinda fucked up._ " He hummed, and turned to look at Hayate a little. " _You sure got it bad for her, huh._ "

" _Best Chakra herpes I ever got._ "

A beat

" _Wait, who else gave you herpe-_ "

A box was roughly shoved into Kakashi's hands by one of the masked Nanbu, and he grasped it reflexively. Looking around, yeah, the box had made a half circuit, and people were already marveling at their new headwear. Genma appeared to be swelling with pride as people began putting them on. Kakashi reached in and gently grabbed the top of his own hat, passing the box off to Hayate. The hat was unadorned, a plain, simple symbol of their commitment to this task. Kakashi slowly slid it on. Looking around, the box finally made its way back to Genma, and all else were behatted. Even Shikaku, a feminine voice echoing from the can assured them. Genma put his own on, last of all, and stared out at the sea of brown paper bags. He idly punctured the side of his with his needle so he had room to swirl it through the bag.

"Now, we begin."

—

The meeting was a long one, Genma speaking loudly of the benefits of stopping people from "thotting about" and "distracting good, hardworking nin". He made good points, points Kakashi found himself reflexively nodding at. A chuunin couldn't be a good meatshield if he was thinking with the wrong head. It might lead him in the wrong direction. The red-light district was also not a great image for Konoha, a little too sleazy for what they tried and failed to convey. Also they made more money than Tokubetsu Jounin did and that wasn't fair. All good, logical reasons.

"We break for tonight," Genma whispered to his bagmen. "I'll send you the signal when next we should meet, and then we take care of the red-light district."

The bags nodded as one, and then they split.


	16. Childcare I

**Kakashi followed a little behind Anko as she bounced her way out of the meeting room.**

It's early evening now, the sun playing peekaboo with the rising moon as Konoha is awash with the afterglow. The whole place was lit up orange, massive shadows crisscrossing the streets as the last stragglers of the day started heading home.

Kakashi turned back, and Anko was waiting beside a telephone pole, earsplitting grin lighting up the shade.

"Yo, one-eye."

Kakashi offered her an eye crinkle.

"What'cha up to cyclops?" She smirked.

He kept walking past her, and she fell into step beside him, kunai still spinning on her finger by the loop.

Kakashi hummed a jaunty little beat to the rhythm of his steps, and the kunai sped up to match, the _whirwhirwhir_ a pleasing baseline.

"You looked like you were having fun."

Anko laughed a little. "You don't know the half of it. It's been a good time to be Anko."

"Wouldn't have anything to do with assaulting Genma and forcing him to let you into the Patrol, does it?"

Anko smirked. "Not like I don't have my own grudge with those girls."

Kakashi raised a brow. "Oh? I didn't hear about that."

"Well sure." Anko folded her hands behind her head. "People keep thinking I'm one of them swinger girls in the Red Lantern District, right? Real fucking annoying, I have no idea why." She threw up her hands. "So I visit one time. Turns out that every single girl there is a current or ex infiltration nin."

Kakashi made a noise of surprise.

"I _know_ right?" She grinned. "I guess when you love your job..."

Kakashi choked a little, snickering. "Man, I think I know why _Genma_ has a grudge."

They both dissolved into peals of laughter, ambling along the emptying streets.

Anko wiped her tears a little. "Oh man, between this and the merchants, my days are _packed_ with fun."

Kakashi perked up. "Merchants you say?"

Anko gave him the side-eye. "Huh, you haven't been keeping up with the marketplace gossip?"

Kakashi's turns to her, interested. "No, I haven't. I've been - er, busy." Kakashi coughed a little. "Why? What's happened?"

Anko giggled, bouncing along. "So get this, Shikaku's started pushing for higher traded goods with the smaller countries right? Bump up the import/export shit?"

Kakashi hummed a little in agreement.

"So, the marketplace has gotten real busy. I dunno how, but Shikaku got most of the little guys involved, Tea, Grass, Demon, Wind, Moon. Hell, even Long." She listed, ticking fingers off. "Most of the little guys. They seemed pretty happy about it."

Kakashi raised a brow. "Shikaku's opening the trade floodgates? Why? We produce a lot of the goods those places offer."

Anko shrugged. "I heard he was looking for something. Beats me." She grinned. "That doesn't matter though. What does matter is that the guys from Grass have some great shit on offer, and they're _hilarious_."

Kakashi gestured her onward, and with Anko leading, they bounded onto the rooftops. Kakashi focused idly on his shunshin on the way, as the compressed pops of the speed he was attaining chained into the next visceral tunnel of chakra he pulled himself through.

 _Pop_

 _Pop_

 _Pop_

One after the next, grab, pull, look, grab, pull, look, in growingly smooth movements as he eased back into the flow of jounin-style chained shunshins, flowing along Anko's slipstream.

Before he knew it, they were above the marketplace, Anko crouching on the rooftop above a swathe of impeccably dressed men.

One in particular Anko was eyeing with a deeply amused eye as Kakashi landed beside her.

"So check this out, right?" She whispered. "These guys in Grass, they're super proud of their goods, but also, they got this new _thing_ they're spreading around. An _ideology_."

Kakashi looked at her. "An ideology?" He asked. "Huh, I figured someone would stamp down on that stuff. Isn't that dangerous?"

Anko waved off his mild concerns. "Nah, nah, Sensei loved this kind of shit, and Shikaku's got the right of it. Trade like this, some cultural mixing is inevitable. Better off running damage control behind the scenes than trying to stop it altogether. Helps relations if you aren't preventing the traders from expressing themselves."

Kakashi cocked his head. "Damage control?"

Anko pointed at a poster, snickering.

WELCOME TO KONOHA, WHERE WE'RE BETTER THAN YOU AND WE KNOW IT The poster screamed in eye searing green.

Kakashi thumbed his masked lip. "Too subtle, you think?"

"It was white ink before I got here."

"Good choice."

Anko hopped off the roof, swinging off the lip with one finger to land in front of the man she'd been looking at. Kakashi followed after a moment's hesitation. The man in question offered them one of the blandest smiles Kakashi had ever seen humanly expressed.

Anko turned back to Kakashi. "So yeah, this is Mr. Sevin. He's the guy with the _ideology_." Anko winked. "Calls it 'Nihilism'. All about how life is pointless and the end is inevitable, or some shit."

"Hello," Sevin said, voice as lukewarm as his expression. "My name is Sevin. I resist change and fear spending money. Nice to meet you."

"What a horribly depressing man you are." Kakashi said thoughtfully. "What do you have to sell?"

Sevin stretched an empty smile. "I offer you some assorted chocolates of average make from a variety of unnamed producers who have made no splash at all in the market."

"How utterly worthless." Kakashi pulled out his wallet. "I'd like to buy all of it."

Sevin hummed, a one-tone key that stretched to precisely polite limits. "I refuse. Not only is selling goods now part of my daily schedule that would be disrupted by selling all my product, but I risk losing money through the slow uptick of my prices as wealthier and more refined brands make their mark and the common rabble realize that they can't afford to match."

"How unfortunate." Kakashi replied blandly.

"That is so."

Kakashi promptly turned away, and jumped back onto the rooftop. Anko joined him after a minute, giggling wildly. "So? So?" She grinned. "How was it?"

Kakashi looked right at her, deadly serious. "I've never had so much fun in my life."

She laughed uproariously, the wavering sound echoing through the yet-bustling marketplace and drowning in the tide of foreign accents.

—

Kakashi clapped. "Children, in light of the travesty that was yesterday's training, I've decided to step up our game, and teach you something indispensably important."

It was a fresh new morning, the sun high and the grass a dying brown. There was just enough dew on the grass to make sitting horribly itchy, so everyone was standing uncomfortably because the dirt was wet enough to be mud. The children looked somewhat deadpan. Sayo looked like she was struggling to give a shit while Maruichi appeared to not care altogether.

Saeki, at least, seemed somewhat enthused to be here.

"We're going to learn economic theory and practice!"

Saeki immediately deflated. Teach _him_ to be excited. What was this, the Academy? Kakashi demanded they be dead-eyed and bleary every morning, so their standards would be lower and he could put less effort into teaching.

Now that their wills were suitably broken, Kakashi clapped. "Good news though, since you won't be learning economic theory so much as pretending to." He smiled at them. "So, nothing new for you."

"Infiltration training." Maruichi deadpanned.

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "Bingo. Now that Konoha's opened its trade routes wider than ever, merchants going in and out are some of the easiest disguises to work with."

Sayo rapped a finger against her leg. "So," She said slowly, "Markets are opening, traders flooding in. Konoha's opening itself to foreign influence. Honey trap?"

Kakashi clapped a little. "Well done."

Sayo flushed in pride, a little, turning away to hide her smile. Maruichi was there to pick up the slack, ensuring that when she turned away, it was right into his mocking expression.

She flushed again, this time in anger.

Saeki ignored the staring session, raising a hand. "Is there a reason that we need to do that?" He mumbled, slightly nervous. "Why would we even need that."

Kakashi smiled. "Because we believe that someone wants to play ball, and that means we need to step up to bat. So we're gonna need to get you kids comfortable with some of the fun parts of the job."


	17. Childcare II

"Alright." Kakashi waved the children down into the grass, flopping back himself and getting comfortable. "So, now, the plan is to begin infiltrating as **Venture Capitalists**. The name isn't quite as important as the point behind it though, so who can tell me what we're going for."

Maruichi pushes up his glasses, opening his mouth, only to be cut off by Saeki waving his hand eagerly and accidentally smacking his head. Kakashi gave Maruichi a mocking look and pointed to Saeki.

"Independence."

Kakashi applauded politely. "Well done, small child. That's right, the point of this is to learn how to infiltrate as independent entities, but still coordinate in pursuit of an overall goal. It has the highest chance of infiltration, but it's also the hardest." Kakashi crossed his arms, getting comfortable. "Families are generally more trustworthy than individuals, and not only are you cut off from that, but you're also alone in enemy territory, since a meeting could compromise the entire operation. You will need to complete your _part_ of the operation, and it is only a _part_. But you can't really afford to fail, because your teammates lives depend on it, on expecting that things have gone as well as possible."

Kakashi's eye crinkled. "For reasons unbeknownst, this method also has the highest mortality rate, and is universally panned as the 'worst idea, like, ever'."

Saeki stared at him. "Then why are we still doing this."

"Because," Kakashi replied, amused. "With sufficient teamwork, this style has the highest success rate as well."

His mouth opened, and closed a little bit, before he abruptly scowled. "This _is_ revenge for the teamwork training thing, I _knew_ it."

"Don't be stupid, of course not." Kakashi lied. "Now, I want to meet you all in 30 minutes in front of the Konoha merchants district in your best merchant disguises."

—-

"You look good, but you're not quite selling it."

Kakashi stood with his arms crossed in front of the children. They were standing on a rooftop, still in the residential district. The roofs were sloped, ostensibly because it made it harder for rainwater and ninja to accumulate on them, but all it really did was ensure that both ended up getting more clever in how they made your day miserable. In this case, Kakashi made sure that every pane of glass was covered in his shoeprints on the way up and every loose shingle made their way into the garden. The children had chosen to climb up like normie's for some reason. Chakra conservation, maybe? Regardless, they looked ridiculous, and their fashion didn't help. They were dressed in vaguely upscale drapery, great sweeping cloth cradling them head to toe. Besides that, Sayo had a strong fragrance of beechwood and mothballs, Saeki had used lipstick as eyeshadow and Maruichi had done both but messier and more pungent.

Sayo glared. "What, three hours of effort with no prior experience not good enough?"

Kakashi frowned. "Three hours? I gave you, like, thirty minutes, tops. No wonder you managed to rob your parents in time."

Maruichi gave him a lazy look. "We've all just been showing up three hours late as well. One of your friends told us that you were getting breakfast."

 _Hayate_

Kakashi's fist clenched.

"Is that right." Kakashi said, ve-e-ery calmly.

Saeki's eyes began darting nervously again.

"No." Sayo denied.

Kakashi blinked. "What?"

"He lied."

"But you-"

"Maruichi's a filthy liar."

Maruichi tried to open his mouth, but Sayo crushed his foot so savagely that Kakashi saw the tiles under his feet splinter.

Kakashi grinned under his mask.

"Well then, good thing you don't do that, Sensei would have been _very_ hurt by such actions."

Saeki blinked nervously. "Yeah, no problem Sensei. We, we just moved real fast." He babbled.

" _Real_ fast," Kakashi agreed. "Not bad for the time you were working with, but could be better."

"Look at me." He said, straightening out his _own_ garish drapery. With one notable difference.

He was shinier than the Devil's pen and twice as fabulous.

Bling coated him head to toe, from a necklace hanging loosely from one ear to the solid gold neckband clattering against the other four he'd finagled on. Jewel encrusted fingertips brushed lint away from silk sheets and satin kilt.

"You see children." Kakashi said smugly. "You need to convince people that you're untrustworthy enough to handle their money."

The streets below were crowded and growing only more so, but there was enough space in between that Kakashi could point at the milling folk. "See those dirty peons? Those are now banks. They walk around for the sole purpose of investing in you, and if you leave them any money, it's so they can make more and come back."

Saeki blinked. "That doesn't sound that different..."

Kakashi shook his head sadly. "It's very subtle at times, but there _is_ a major difference. You need to remember that right now, I'm playing a part as a godless moneysucker. Being a soulless grifter is a difficult talent but you need to be able to cultivate it at will." His hand waved. "You need to stop caring for the lives and existence of the people and forcefully demand that they accede to your whims."

"That's exactly the same as what we already do." Maruichi looked at him dully. "In fact, you may have told us the same thing when you told us to be 'real ninja'."

Kakashi glared at him. "No, I told you to be firm, decisive, and prioritize your desires over anyone else."

Maruichi smirked. "That's literally the same thing."

"It is not."

"Is so."

"Isn't." Kakashi affirmed pompously. "Because merchants do anything and sell anything for money regardless of their own morality. We're better than that."

Maruichi looked at him incredulously. "Didn't you threaten to sell us into ninja slavery if we ever became desk chuunin?"

" _Not the same._ "

"Will you idiots shut up?!" Sayo griped. "I hate these dumb robes and this rooftop is digging into my feet. Can we go to the market already."

Kakashi sighed. They'd just have to learn on the job.

He hopped down easily, and spent the next 5 minutes tapping his foot impatiently as the children slowly clambered down the remaining shingles and handholds carved by spiteful nin.

That settled, they set off. Immediately, Kakashi was surrounded by robed men bedecked in absurd amounts of wealth.

One such man wearing a small diamond chandelier from his left ear nodded smoothly at Kakashi, who nodded back.

He was _so good at this_.

"Now children," Kakashi whispered. "Mingle and learn. We've been feeding them trace amounts of cocaine, so the stupor should keep them from noticing any discrepancies."

The children immediately wandered off, shooting him and the people around them disturbed looks. Kakashi chuckled. Stupid children, why the hell would Konoha spend all that money on cocaine, only to feed it _back_ to the merchants?

The merchants imbibed plenty on their own, after all, among other things.

Ah, well, they'd learn. Kakashi watched for a while, only to grow more and more disappointed as the hours passed. They were _learning_ , certainly, but slowly. It was almost like they had no idea what they were looking for. Sighing, he gathered them back up, and even while they began grumbling at him, set off further in. He could have let them keep failing, but frankly he hated merchants and spending this much time around them was making him nauseous. No, Kakashi had a different plan in mind. He began wandering the crowds, moving from the heavily bedecked wealth of the Wind tradesmen to the more polished wealth of Grass, where he found the man he was looking for.

"I must say." Kakashi mused. "I _love_ your merchant costume."

"Sir." Sevin replied blithely. "I need to ask you to leave. You frighten children. Including yours."

Sevin was, of course, still standing like a soulless wax statue in the busy market. His smooth black suit did not complement his eyes or hair in the least, and his bored expression probably did nothing to help his image. His slicked back hair was shining in the sunlight though.

"How do you get your hair like that? Is it necessary to prove you're a soulless money-grubber? Is this how you recognize other members of your species?" Kakashi asked.

Sevin looked at him like he'd said something stupid.

"How do you manage to get your hair everywhere? Are you a dog? Is it your strange ninja magic?" Sevin replied.

Kakashi shrugged his look off. "I'm training children you see. They need to know these things. It could come in handy to know how other people behave." Kakashi said pleasantly.

"Ninja magic works in mysterious ways..." Sevin mused. "You all have such distinct freakish talents and yet you refuse to prepare for them in any way. It's like you never leave your homes and live comfortably in a strange delusion of abject superiority."

"Would you mind training my children, actually? They could use practice learning how to take advantage of the needy and con the desperate." Kakashi asked, somewhat embarrassed. "I don't have quite as much experience as your kind."

"Actually, wasn't there someone offering good money for DNA samples of powerful living ninja? Something about how your freakish talents can be put to better uses? Are you one such creature?" Sevin asked, somewhat curious.

"I'm a famous nin, you see, so I don't get a lot of chances to rob people of their money and time." Kakashi said thoughtfully.

"Perhaps I could stop by his place after this with some of your DNA, I hear it might be worth a lot." Sevin said thoughtfully.

Kakashi held out his hand and Sevin took it. They shook.

"Thanks for agreeing to train my kids. I appreciate it." Kakashi said cheerily.

"Your genetic material will make me a wealthy man." Sevin agreed.

Kakashi turned and pushed the children closer to Sevin. They refused to budge in the least, staring at Sevin with near-identical looks of horror.

Sevin looked down. "Oh look, spawn." He waved politely. "Hello. Please call someone with a wallet. Or at least remove your insufferable teacher from the premises."

The children said nothing.

Sevin stared, unblinking for a second. "What unpleasant creatures you are." He mused.

"Oh no, it means they like you." Kakashi said cheerfully.

Sevin gave him a dry look, before turning around and packing up his goods. Kakashi watched him do it, confused. "Why?"

Sevin looked at him again. "You said they liked me."

"So I did."

"Well then, I must say that it is the first time that a youngling has ever expressed a positive emotion in my presence." He said frankly. "It can only be a sign that it is now my springtime. I must take immediate advantage of this to find a partner, that I may mate and produce a viable heir to my overwhelming wealth and fiscal sense."

Kakashi sighed happily, and watched the man pack up and leave for deeper in the market, sending him a fond farewell.

"What a strange being." He said thoughtfully, before clapping he children on the shoulders. "So, learn anything?"

Complete dead silence. Kakashi hummed thoughtfully. Maybe they needed more training?

—

The week passed pleasantly, with Saeki only breaking into tears twice during the entire experience. Kakashi considered this a win, given that they'd learned a great deal about being soulless amoral merchants of death. Now if only they could get that same experience being ninja...

Sayo and Maruichi appeared to be a little too into it though. Even now, they stared at him with dead eyes void of all emotion. He'd pointed out that they could stop pretending at any point, but they seemed quite dedicated.

Well, who was he to question such desire to learn.


	18. Childcare III

Kakashi gently rubbed Anko's back, who hummed and leaned in appreciatively. The byplay of muscles under her shirt were interrupted by huge knots of tension he allowed his chakra to sink into, the _chitter-chitter-chitter_ of lightning chakra numbing his fingers easing her strain. Hayate, gently massaging Yuugao, winked at him. Kakashi replied with a blank look and a puff of smoke, as he secretly summoned a shadow clone using the leftover chakra draw to hold his book up so he could read.

Don't get him wrong, Anko was nice and he owed her the favor, but Michiru had _just_ begun seducing the Prince's father and he _needed_ to know.

Genma walked in jauntily, whistling, and immediately slowed down after walking in, whistle petering out on a rather sad note. He looked around, growing more petulant by the second. "The fuck is this shit?"

The room used to be one of the bars around Konoha, big tables, wooden chairs, booze stains on the ceiling, the works. However, the missing furniture and shattered bar table told him everything he needed to know about why the room was now empty. The shag carpeting and four morons sitting on it massaging each other, on the other hand, were new.

Hayate shot the man a scornful look. "The fuck do you think this is? It's massage time."

Yuugao's answering moan curled their toes, the shag squeaking a little as she settled deeper into it.

Genma stared at him indignantly. "I can see that!" He gestured at himself. "Where the fuck is _my_ massage?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Ask?"

He shrugged. "I guess..." A finger tapped against his bare chin, and he barely swirled the senbon fast enough to avoid impaling his hand. "Maybe I can ask Kurenai."

Anko snorted sleepily. "Not anymore you can't moron. Asuma, remember?"

Genma snapped his fingers. "That's a great idea. I should ask Asuma to massage me."

Kakashi shrugged absently. "He's got big, strong hands." Yuugao raised her hand, giggling a little and leaning on a rather pleased Hayate. "I can second that. Kurenai's been _vivid_ about it." She nuzzled into him, and caught Anko's eye.

Her and Anko broke down into childish giggles, and Kakashi recoiled in disgust. Like _hell_ he was massaging her while she was shaking like that. Nu-uh, too much goddamn effort. He flopped backwards, snatching the book and dissipating the clone in one motion.

"That sounds nice..." Genma groaned mournfully. "Been busting my ass trying to fill out some shit paperwork."

"Ha, idiot." Kakashi snickered, prone.

Genma glared back. "It's _your_ fucking paperwork, asshole."

"Ha, idiot."

"It's 'cause he has thick fingers." Yuugao whispered loudly. Anko giggled while Genma whined accusingly.

"If we're talking thick fingers, it's gotta be Gai."

Hayate whistled. "No kidding. But he's muscular enough that he's got good control. Kakashi's the one with the fucked-up hands." Kakashi stared at him accusingly, lightning-scarred fingers twitching from the notice. Anko waved Kakashi off dismissively. "Eh, passable. Nothing special though."

Kakashi huffed and leaned back. "I see how it is. You wanted me for my hands, and now that you have no use for them, you throw them aside."

Anko stared drily at Kakashi. "Not much to throw aside, little scarecrow."

"Ibiki." Kakashi countered. All the giggles died as the thought of Ibiki getting his hands anywhere near their spines filtered through. The shudder was universal.

Kurenai sauntered in a few seconds later, looking somewhat fresh out of the shower. "What's going on in this little love shack?"

Yuugao rolled over onto Hayate's lap, who started playing with her hair. "We're talking _hands_."

Kurenai snickered. "Sounds dumb enough. Then why's it still going when there's a clear winner?"

""Ebisu"" Anko and Yuugao chorused.

Kurenai flopped down, moaning dreamily. "The man has hands like a painter."

Anko laughed, tongue out. "He's painting _something_ alright."

The women burst into loud giggles.

Genma shifted awkwardly. Kakashi caught his eye.

 _Bruh_

 _Bruh_

 _We out?_

 _Booze tho_

 _Estrogen tho_

 _Coward_

 _I'm buying_

 _Grab Hayate_

Genma stood, yawning. "Alright, I'm out."

Anko swiveled a little drowsily. "What's up?"

Kakashi stood. "Meeting planned with the Hokage."

"Oh?" Her eyes were slowly drawing back into focus. Kakashi cursed a little, in his heart. "Yeah, uh, we gotta talk to him about the..."

"Academy." Hayate spoke absently. "We got a followup."

Kakashi shot him the finger guns, and Hayate winked, a little forced. Yuugao was less pleased, putting her hands on his lap, and pushing herself up. "What..." she whined gently, "Come on, we were gonna..."

Hayate nearly crumbled then and there, but Genma had his back, squinting out a window. "Oh look, I think Mikado has some homemade cupcakes, where's she going with them."

Kurenai gasped somewhat scandalously. "At this time of night? Which direction?" She demanded. Anko's eyes went flat and predatory, springing to her feet. "I bet she went north!" She crowed. "Kotetsu's been hanging around the labs pretty often!"

Yuugao gasped excitedly, while Kurenai let out one of the dirtiest giggles he'd ever heard.

"Come on!" Anko kicked the door open. "No time to lose."

Hayate, fully broken at this point, nearly went after a pacing Yuugao, reaching out a hand that she slapped away. "Not today Hayate," she said absently. "This is big, big news. Go talk to the Hokage, I'll see you later."

Her and Kurenai dashed out after Anko.

Hayate looked somewhat sad, despite having helped execute this. Genma ambled over and slung and arm over his seated shoulder.

"Booze tho?"

Hayate sighed and shoved him off. "Yeah alright. Booze tho."

Kakashi cheered. "Genma's paying!"

"Fuck."

Snorting, Genma petulantly shoved chakra into the rug, the waving strands of fabric stiffening, and then kicked it into the wall, tearing a massive gouge into it and _shattering_ the rug into a cloud of red and gold fibers.

"That was a good rug." Hayate grumped.

"You stole it." Genma accused. "I've seen that goddamn patterning, you grabbed it out of Yellow Sleeve's." Hayate looked away, and Kakashi snickered a little. Then, he noticed the odd looks he was getting from the other two.

Genma shook his head and waved him out, backstepping through the door into the crowded Konoha night.

It was beautiful, every time it took Kakashi's breath away. It didn't have the neon splendor of Tanzaku, but the vivid red lanterns cast everything in a rich pall, the byplay of shadows with pale skin and dark clothing making the whole street look like it shimmered. The dancing coins helped too, flipping here and there, red nails, white nails, painted nails, dirty nails, clean nails, long nails, short nails, the coins danced between like catcalls. A girl too young to be a geisha yet allowed them to clink into her sleeves, a shopkeeper let them land in a tin, a cart watched them rattle around a spare takoyaki tin.

Kakashi felt time slip away from him again, allowing his friends to pull him deeper into the throng, watched people move in speeds mortally unattainable as the noise started buzzing in his ears.

And then they were out, Hayate and Genma panting as they laughed at something.

Kakashi perked his ears up, buzz fading. Hayate grinned, moving lips finally making noise. "-why Genma chose _now_ to start the Patrol."

Kakashi thought about it. "I can think of a couple reasons...because Gai is out?"

Hayate grinned. "Not just Gai. Gai and Ebisu took a mission together, so _this_ idiot-" Hayate thumped the back of Genma's pouting head.

"-took the chance to seize power since his teammates were too _gone_ to stop him." Kakashi finished, eye crinkling. "No wonder we met in Chouza's backroom. Ol' Sensei couldn't help it eh?"

Genma crosses his arms and refused to look at them. "As your superior, I demand respect."

While Hayate pretended to bow before trying to gutpunch him, Kakashi started rapping a thoughtful finger against the cover of his favorite novel. "...you're pretty close to your sensei and team, huh."

The two morons stopped attempting to kill each other and looked at him, drawn knives slowly sliding back into pouches.

"Yeah sure?" Genma looked a little puzzled. "Why not."

Kakashi took an inaudible breath. "I accepted a genin team."

Genma looked at him in stunned incomprehension, disbelief slowly crawling across it. Hayate threw up his hands, turning away and staring at the moon up above.

"Shit, man."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head.

Hayate turned back, excitement quickening his steps. "I _knew_ it." He hissed. "I knew there was a reason you weren't jumping headfirst into missions. Fuck Gai and his 'oh, Kakashi has reached his own springtime' shit!"

Kakashi blinked. "Well, he wasn't _wrong_..."

" _You know that's not what I was talking about._ " Hayate hissed.

Kakashi threw up his hands. "Alright, the hell do you want from me."

Genma slowly shook himself out of it. "Hey Kakashi, you know why most Jounin teachers are told to fail their first teams right?"

"No."

Genma blinked. "Wh-oh, it's a one hour briefing, yeah." Kakashi shrugged unrepentantly. Should've made the briefing longer if they wanted him to care.

Genma rubbed his shoulder. "Most Jounin teachers are told to fail their first teams because it fucks them up." Genma admitted. " 's the first time a lot of Jounin are forced to confront destroying someone's dreams head-on, without murder clearing the waters."

Kakashi nodded sadly. This wasn't the case for Genma, who's sordid past as an ex-desk chuunin had indelibly tarred his soul. Any Jounin could smell the ink on his fingers at twenty paces. It smelled like weakness.

Genma noticed Kakashi staring at his fingers and curled them a little. "Yeah," He said soberly. "Makes Jounin learn. Grow a little bit, before they probably end up knifing those fucking Academy losers anyway when they go rogue."

Everyone nodded at that. Some people just couldn't handle how bad they were. Never ended well. Until it did. For them. Not for the rogue.

Hayate looked at Kakashi. "Give them a chance." He said softly. "You got time to learn about them, you don't need to do everything right now. Start small."


	19. Childcare IV

Kakashi had made sure his headband was shiny enough to admire himself in it before he left, so the squinting didn't surprise him. The unimpressed looks, however, stung a little.

Sayo folded her arms and glared somewhat passively at him. "Good to know Sensei finally decided to care enough to show up."

Saeki yawned from where he'd been lying down in the crook of a tree's root, bare toes idly tearing up bunches of grass. He gave them both an idle look, and rolled over, nuzzling gently into the wooden bark.

Maruichi, hanging upside down from one of the wooden poles and _bloody_ , went to push up his glasses and poked himself in the eye. His glasses shone mockingly from where they lay neatly folded up by the creekbank. Hissing quietly, he wiped away tears and promptly went back to a dead eyed look, trying to play it off. "I give it 3 points for effort Sensei." He said blandly instead, arms swaying over his reddening face. "4 hours is a new record, but you didn't even come back with wounds or random paraphernalia."

"Sensei had to clean up thirty gallons of spilled milk." Kakashi replied. "And then had to go home and take a bath. I'd hate to show up in front of my students all messy like that, what kind of role model would I be?"

"Good question." Sayo replied frostily. "I guess we'll never find out."

"True." Kakashi admitted. "I have serious doubts regarding your capacity to model yourself on anyone."

"Maybe because I haven't seen anyone worth modeling after."

"Now now," Kakashi waggled a finger. "Sensei understands wanting alone time, but I won't have shitty shut-ins as students, a healthy social life is vital for mentally developing beyond being a stupid child."

Sayo's teeth audibly ground together, and Kakashi smugly took that as an admission of loss.

That gave Kakashi an idea though.

"Now." He clapped once, and his little children took that as the usual sign to sit up. Except Maruichi, who appeared to be taking his mental infirmity personally and fighting off the dizziness caused by the blood rushing through his head through sheer bullheadedness. "Sensei feels rightfully concerned about you all. Why don't you tell me about yourselves? Lives and such."

They shot him awkward looks.

Kakashi sighed. Of course he got the socially awkward ones. Of course.

"I like to spend a lot of time doing nothing." He said slowly. "Drinking with my friends. Petting my dogs. Running around Konoha just 'cause. Missions. I like these things. I do them when we're not training. What. About. You."

Saeki furrowed his brows. "I like hanging out with my friends too? They're in the academy. They failed the tests." He added hastily. "A couple dropped, but we usually meet at the park anyway."

Maruichi snorted. "Not sure why you bother, then."

Saeki whirled around to face the boy cutting himself down from the pillar. "The hell does that mean?!"

Maruichi fell to the ground with a loud _thump_ and a squeaking wheeze. The scrabbling hands at his chest indicated that he'd knocked the breath out of himself. Sayo snorted, and with a swift kick to his ribs, knocked him onto his side and air into his lungs. As Maruichi quietly rasped and sucked oxygen, Saeki's flash of anger faded to concern, and he began awkwardly patting the younger boy on the back.

Sayo rolled her eyes and turned away. "I have a younger brother." She admitted grudgingly. "My parents work in the hospital as nurses, so I usually take care of him while I'm training."

Saeki's head shot up. "Oh yeah!" He exclaimed. "I do that too! I got a little sister too though, and she makes lotsa trouble." He ruffled the back of his head. "Enough that I don't really get enough time to train on my own time." He said awkwardly. "My mom is a clerk at the bank, so I gotta do chores too."

Maruichi, tears quietly pouring down his eyes, sniffled. "I got no parents, so I train and read."

Kakashi squinted at him. "Are you crying? Because if you are, then I'm giving you to the hospital and leaving, and you can tell them you have trauma or some shit."

"I ate a spider."

Kakashi turned his gimlet eye to Saeki, still crouched beside the boy. "This wouldn't happen to be the same kind of spider Maru put in your breakfast yesterday, would it?"

Saeki shifted uncomfortably. "Coincidence?"

He snorted, amused. "I'm sure."

Saeki refused to meet his eyes, but Kakashi noticed his foot slowly pushing something small and skittering closer to Maruichi's face. Maruichi appeared to be attempting to _will_ it away, but either the spider had stronger will, or it found him palatable enough not to care, because that spider vanished and Maruichi's face began pouring tears again.

Kakashi made a note to test the willpower of the local arachnoid population, just in case it _had_ had a stronger will than his genin. He could buy that being the case.

"Yeah alright, you're all filthy shut-ins with no life outside being ninja."

Sayo shrugged. "Pretty much. The other girls didn't like me much, so it's not like I made friends in the academy." She whiffed a low kick at Saeki. "Not like this guy."

Kakashi sighed. "Yeah, alright. What about hobbies though? Tell me your hobbies. One by one."

Sayo: "I like reading and painting. I did my house. The neighbors didn't like it too much so I had to paint it back, but the insides are nice."

Saeki: "Dunno, we just hang out and do whatever? Sometimes, like, someone has a ball or something? It's usually a pain. I just like hanging out. It's fun, I like being around people."

Maruichi: "I beat up academy students and take their money so I can buy things I don't need from shady merchants."

"You're all terrible." Kakashi paused. "For different reasons. Why are you all so terrible?" A longer pause. "Except Maruichi. He's fine." Kakashi pointed at Sayo and Saeki. "The two of you lack drive of any sort. You just drift along and go with the flow. Maruichi just needs more hobbies in general."

They looked at each other awkwardly, shuffling a little.

"I mean," Saeki began awkwardly. "We hang out, and talk and stuff..."

Sayo crossed her arms. "I keep my sibling out of my ninja stuff."

Kakashi began pacing.

"Your problem..." he mused, "is that you lack anything to force you toward other people in a productive, healthy manner. You've disassociated your personal and ninja lives."

 _Time for Sensei_

"Now, what you need, is to bridge that gap!

"No, I don't want to." Sayo rebutted.

"And to do that, Sensei is gonna give you a lesson! That brings people together, right?"

"No." Maruichi said.

"Good now take notes. This is valuable information coming from a real fucking ninja. There will be homework."

"Oh good," said Saeki.

"Lesson Number One of Nin-Life!"

Kakashi struck a pose, feet spread and finger pointing up.

"Always burn the body."

One of the genin raised a hand, Kakashi didn't care to look to tell which, and it went summarily ignored.

Kakashi started pacing. "You may think there are other options, but there aren't. Water won't cut it for obvious reasons. There are ways of detecting buried bodies; in fact there's an entire line of Stone nin dedicated to the task. Lightning may _seem_ like it'll work, but bodies channel it too well, and you just get a bad smell afterwards. Wind..."

Kakashi stopped and hummed, lost in memories. "Wind just leaves you with a bigger mess than when you started."

"What about leaving the body be?" Saeki asked weakly.

Kakashi turned to him. "Were you bullied a lot in the Academy?"

He reddened. "They ganged up on me a lot."

Kakashi made a thoughtful noise. "Maybe I _should_ send you back."

Saeki buried himself into his seat, and Kakashi continued pacing, satisfied that the pecking order had been reestablished.

"No, your only option is fire; which is why I will be teaching you the most useful tool in your arsenal."

Kakashi snapped to face them, and spoke in a deadly serious voice. "I call it Evidence no Jutsu and you will love it like the child you never wanted but still forced to pay your retirement fees."

"Does that happen a lot?" Maruichi asked, intrigued.

Kakashi shrugged. "Dunno, I'll ask the Hokage at some point. _Anyway._ "

He spun around and pointed at them. "I won't be teaching you yet. You're gonna go out, and with the cooperation of at least two other genin, try and figure it out."

"Hold the fuck up." Maruichi cut in. "You want us to figure out an effective way to dispose of bodies, and you want us to do it with people completely unrelated to this team."

"It'll be a wonderful learning trauma."

Jaws dropped and anger was vented, but in short order they were trudging away to find people to think things out with.

Kakashi was certain this would go poorly, and planned to warn Shikaku to get the water-nin ready for mysterious charred bodies.

You know.

After lunch.

It could wait, right?


	20. Interlude: Twin Snakes

_Once upon a time in a land named Grass, there lived a village at the foot of a great mountain, a mountain they held sacred. The mountain was a grand bulwark, it defended them from the enemies that lay in wait with fire and fury, burning all those who tried to stand against them. The village was thus peaceful and kind, and they loved the mountain for it's benevolence. But of these people, the mountain requested only one thing: that the village provide him with a single sacrifice of marriageable age every ten years, that he may not feel lonely for but the briefest of moments._

 _The village accepted with grace, and the first sacrifice went willingly, pride in his heart for the service he was to render. Other men would spend their whole lives working to earn the right to save even a single life, while with a single moment he could defend the village for an entire decade! The village celebrated him, and when he died they held a grand festival, that all guests to their village would know of the brave hero that protected them._

 _The second grew in this atmosphere, and was eager to join her brother-in-fate in serving as the grand defender of the village. Upon her sacrifice, the mountain seemed to light up the sky for miles; he was greatly pleased with the honesty of these sacrifices. His stony feet cradled the village he loved, and they gently cultivated the life and health of the mountain they worshipped._

 _Another ten years of peace and safety passed, and soon the third sacrifice had begun to dress himself in the traditional wear of his fate; a clean white obi, that he might look nice when he went to meet his siblings. He stepped out of the village with all the grand honors his due, and began his trek up the mountain. It was the first time he had done so, for it's craggy reaches were sacred ground, and none but the sacrifices were privileged to witness them._

 _However, halfway up, a great purple snake halted his path, scales shining like the flames of the mountain. "I cannot witness a child go to his death," the snake said. "Yet only fourteen, such a time is no way to pass." The boy frowned, in consternation. Who was this snake to bar his path, and prevent him from doing his duty? He made to pass, but the snake spoke again. "Tread one step further and I shall poison you, so that in pain you will roll all the way down to your village, off this accursed mountainside. I will force you to confront your love for yourself." The boy, frightened, retreated. He ran back to the concerned villagers, who could not face him yet made him ready for the next night._

 _A day passed, and once again he set out. The snake once more barred his path, and spoke once more. "You have returned. Your family is cowardly, to allow another to stand in their place. The elderly are craven, to permit another to make the walk, while their aging bones dare not. Tread one step further and I shall rush to poison your family in this night, so that in fear you will run all the way down to your village, off this accursed mountainside. I will force you to confront your love for your family." The boy, frightened, retreated. He ran back to the concerned villagers, who wept for him and made him ready for the next night._

 _A day passed, and once again he set out. The snake once more barred his path, and spoke once more. "You have returned. Your village is weak, to only have a youngling be worthy of this task. Not a man has stepped forth to stop me, and not even you can do so. Tread one step further and I shall poison the river, so that in anguish you shall walk all the way down to your village, off this accursed mountainside. I will force you to confront your love for your village."_

 _This time, the boy grew angry, and quicker than lightning seized the snake by the head and lifted it above him. However, before he dashed its head upon the rocks, he realized the truth of the snakes words, that he had been too weak to let go of his love for his self and family for the sake of his village. Instead, he wound the snake about his hips, that it might confront him at his weakest and remind him of his duty._

 _So warned, he returned to the village, explained what had happened, and the village cheered for him and readied him for the next day. A day passed, and once again he set out, and this time not a soul dared bar his path, that he might protect his village like the heroes before him._

"What a lovely tale." Orochimaru murmured, slowly closing the fine cover gently, the plant fibers that had been pressed into a sheath for the pages almost translucent in the light. He observed the closed pages a moment longer, envisioning the story in his mind.

He turned slowly, facing the nervous woman standing behind him in the well-lit office he called his own. The room was plain, white paint with few decorations save the chakra mahogany table and chakra leather chair. They were the only comforts he allowed himself, necessary to the long hours he found himself straining his eyes over the paperwork that found itself an unfortunate necessity of his new life. Besides that, the only other things that caught his wandering eyes were the slightly yellowish ceiling light bar, and a gently burbling cylinder in the corner, a great pink mass of flesh gently spinning in place. This however, he ignored, as the muscles slowly tensing beneath the girl's shoulders indicated he needed to speak soon.

She was a lovely one, Orochimaru observed. Objectively, she certainly could appeal to the masses, the sway she held over her father's court nearly evident in how she carried herself. Chin up, eyes focused, posture stiff, even subservient she held pride like a mantle about her shoulders. He smiled slightly, every change in his expression holding her rapt attention. "I can see why you recommended this one." He mused. "It certainly meets the criteria I was looking for."

The woman bobbed her head jerkily, earnest relief spreading across her fine features.

Orochimaru chuckled as she babbled, at how much of an _honor_ it would be to host him and his grand vision. She was a kind one, believing in the dream he promised, and he couldn't rightly hate such a creature. He watched with fond eyes as she stepped past him gingerly, and began clearing up the documents, slotting the pen and inkbottle into the storage compartment beside the table, and wiping the ground ink away.

A movement towards the pen caught a muscle, and Orochimaru hissed as a tight ache hit his lower back. Wincing, he slowly put his hands to the point, working the muscle around it. Sighing a little as he managed to work the kinks out of his upper back, he slid his arms down, and back around, rolling the muscles around like mercury pouring through fingers pressing between every seam. For the briefest second, his entire body undulated like a liquid, the backbones popping like rocks into the lake of his musculature, the waves pouring down his body. One by one they went down his body, the reflexive tightening lackback used to pop the next vertebrae in sequence with the tightness and sending the next surge down his body. He groaned in relief as his entire form seemed to snap back into it's frame. Turning smoothly, he saw the woman staring, awe and perhaps a point of fear dancing in her eyes.

"My dear aide," He purred. "You may return to your father and inform him that all is in hand."

Watchful eyes led her out as she slowly turned away and stepped off quickly, her eagerness echoing through the starkly lit hallways.

"Lord Orochimaru..."

"Hmm?" Orochimaru turned, and looked at Kabuto, as loyally in the shadows as ever.

"Lord Orochimaru," he repeated, glasses flashing. "Do you truly feel nothing for her? To allow her to speak to you so?"

Orochimaru threw back his head and laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed, for it always amused him when even _Kabuto_ showed his naïveté.

"Kabuto," He said fondly. "Flesh is nothing. Meaningless. It serves its purpose as a conveyance for the mind and spirit, and so deserves its own form of upkeep and maintenance." He smiles a little. "But ultimately meaningless. Gender, ideology, belief, sexuality, pleasure, desire, all of these are but individual steps to the eventuality of greater understanding."

And here he grinned a thin-lipped grin that spoke of his great _desire_. "How high that staircase goes is up to the being and the quality of their materials."

Kabuto's glasses shone in the dark. "I understand, my Lord." The notebook he had been scribbling notes on slid smoothly back under his coat. "Does this have anything to do with that ridiculous fable, my Lord?"

Orochimaru leaned both elbows onto the table. "A local bit of folklore." He mused. "A cautionary tale, perhaps, but the elders of grass are an inclusive sort. The daimyo still respects the claim these people manage, as the sway they hold over the local populace is no small matter." He drew a single paper from the file placed beneath the table, and slid it slowly to Kabuto. The pale man looked over it, fingers tracing the flow of money outlined on the sheet.

"The Daimyo spends a great deal on land preservation." Kabuto said slowly.

Orochimaru hummed. "These tribals have their ways, passed down from even longer than any known system of ninjutsu. Traditions, archaic by any standard. Yet nearly any man local to the region may trace his blood back to these aboriginals, and while they may conversely choose to live in the modern era, the blood ties remain."

Another paper drawn and pushed to Kabuto.

"And so, the land preservation taxes." Orochimaru said.

Kabuto's finger halted and tapped on a single line of script.

"The marshland is growing."

"The traditional land of the aboriginals, their _holy land_ is expanding." Orochimaru said. "And with it their population."

"And with it, their sway over the Daimyo's policies." Kabuto muttered. "We need to appease them, show them we respect their ways."

"Even a small sign of respect will go a long way Kabuto," Orochimaru mused. "My dear aide's father will be instrumental to swaying the Daimyo."

"To think the daughter of a minister could be taken in so easily..." Kabuto leaned back against the wall slightly, bumping it with his back. "Truly, wonders will never cease."

A flash of teeth. "Kabuto," he chided. "She was not _taken in_ , now, she truly believes in what I can do. Just as you do." He needled, and was rewarded by Kabuto immediately stiffening.

"I hear and obey my lord." He said firmly, turning around with perhaps a _touch_ more force than usual.

Orochimaru sighed slowly, surrounded by the burbling of his work and the echoing footsteps of his loyal subordinates.

Yes.

This was surely happiness.

The page at his elbow fluttered a little in an invisible breeze, and he looked idly down.

"Huh, the tea plantations are expanding. I should order some."


	21. Childcare V

"Mr. Hatake, you _are_ aware of why you're here, correct?"

Kakashi continued to hide behind his mask, but offered a smile in response.

The bespecked man sighed. "Mr. Hatake, we've gotten reports of at least two _hundred_ and thirty-odd charred corpses being sent in this week, running the gamut from 'lightly singed' to 'ashy'. The bodies vary from rodents to small mammals to young desk chuunin. Some of the older ones have physically beaten back what they described as a small target of genin rushing them."

Kakashi forced himself not to look too proud, and spoke through slowly numbing lips as he bit his tongue a little harder than necessary to keep a straight face. "How tragic."

"Yes, very." The glasses flashed. "Imagine my surprise when one of the genin was wheeled in with jyuuken damage across thirty percent of his body, bruises across another forty percent, and _no_ identifying paperwork."

Kakashi stifled a snicker. The man, identified by his lapel as "Kabuto" flipped up a page on his notebook, the sterile hospital greeting room beating down on their eyes. "From the best we could determine, he provoked a Hyuuga student, was crippled, and then assaulted by academy students." He rechecked his paperwork. "For, and I quote, 'no real reason at all'."

Kakashi put up his hands. He could already guess that Maruichi had ratted him out as fast as humanly possible with the bruising on his face. "What do you need from me then?"

"Make them stop." Kabuto said firmly.

Kakashi frowned. "I don't wanna. You can't make me."

"Do it or I'll file paperwork for a esophageal tract inspection every Friday for the rest of your career."

"Why I gotta stop my kids from learning?!" Kakashi whined. He'd already given up trying to out-threaten the medical staff in Konoha general; they'd usually already filled out the paperwork to back their threats before they even met you.

"Stop trying to teach people science. You're bad at it."

"I do science," Kakashi said defensively. "I've been testing the effects of Landworm pheromones on my genin for a couple months now. I write the reports to the medical college and everything."

Kabuto stared at him. "Is that why your children have hormone imbalances? I've been treating your genin for that for months - I thought they'd been _irradiated_ and had thyroid damage. _Why_?"

Kakashi shrugged uncomfortably. "Habit mostly."

Kabuto stared at him. "Who cares? No - why the _medical college_ , give _us_ that, do you know how many people go wandering in those accursed plains? Some jackass started spreading rumors that there was gold buried beneath it and we've had all kinds of people just "wander" by, looking to go strike it rich."

Kakashi noted that and reminded himself to tell Genma their plan to hit it rich by robbing the civvie gold miners had failed.

"Sure." Kakashi shrugged. "You got an inbox?"

"Oh sure, sure, just leave it in the Hokage's office."

"What was that?"

"Hmm? I asked you to leave it in the H- _Mediiii_ kage's office."

Kakashi frowned. "The medikage?"

Kabuto laughed, a little strained. "Yeah, yeah, it's a little practical joke the head of the hospital plays. You know, _ho_ -kage, _medi_ -kage. He jokes that since he cares for the Hokage, _and_ the Daimyo when he visits, he's technically the most powerful man in Fire Country."

Kakashi's brain was spinning. Most powerful man in Fire Country huh?

"That sounds just dumb enough to be plausible." Kakashi mused.

"He's really the worst, that guy." Kabuto was babbling. "He cares for children and gives them candy. Beats up dogs and litters in the street. They say he visits patients to laugh at them, and demands that people not get out of bed until they're better."

Kakashi made a mental note to investigate the Head of the Hospital for sedition and violent crimes, and bid Kabuto an absent farewell.

—

"And what have we learned today?" Kakashi asked pleasantly.

"My friends are helpful but less than useful." Said Saeki.

"People are good tinder." Said Sayo.

"The Hyuuga had it coming." Said Maruichi.

Kakashi clapped a little. "Well done! Leaving aside the dead animals, desk chuunin and chakra beasties, the largest amount of property damage you were responsible for was the mysterious burning down of a Hyuuga outhouse while someone was in it. All in all, not bad."

Saeki nudged Maruichi with his elbow. "Hey, why'd you do that?"

Maruichi sighed exasperatedly. "I have no friends so I went to the most competent person I felt I could tolerate. He refused, and moreover when he discovered my task he paralyzed me and left me in the dirt."

"The bootprints on your face and gut were analogous to the shoe size worn by 6-8 year old academy students." Kakashi noted.

"Wanton opportunists." Maruichi said shortly. "They are no longer a concern."

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "I forgot, a couple of civvie homes _did_ burn down, big slowdown on the Interrooftop 12." He paused. "Nothing of value was lost."

"Aren't they _dead_?" Saeki asked morbidly.

"Nothing of value was lost." Kakashi repeated firmly. "Mysteriously, strange documents decrying those families as spies from Iwa were found in their rooms once the fire stopped."

Kakashi rubbed his chin. "For some reason, the documents were written in glitterink. Iwa spies really are going to the dogs these days."

Maruichi pushes up his glasses. "I guess that makes the arsonist a hero?"

"Big hero." Kakashi shrugged. "Sure did save us time spying and stalking that family until they had a mental breakdown and confessed everything to a therapist."

Saeki swung a fist into his palm. "And then you arrest them for being spies!"

"Also weird fetishes." Kakashi admitted. "Some things you don't want getting into the public."

Maruichi turned and clapped Sayo on the shoulder. "Congratulations, hero."

Sayo flushed and refused to meet Kakashi's eye.

Kakashi raised an impressed brow. "You found and killed the spies."

She reddened further, interlacing her fingers. "I was practicing at night cause it's easier to see the sparks." She said, shyly. "I saw red from their backyard and found burnt documents tying them to Iwa. All I had on me were tinder and flint, so..."

Kakashi had to fight back a proud tear. It would be unbecoming.

He got on his left knee and faced them eye to eye. "I'm very glad that all three of you understood the true meaning of the lesson I was trying to impart." Kakashi said solemnly. "The real Evidence Destruction no Jutsu was the friends you made along the way."

He saw their faces swell up with pride cheeks going round and a little shiny as they held their heads a little higher. "R-really?" Saeki squeaked. "You mean it?"

"No." Kakashi admitted. "Guilt Begone no Jutsu is a real Jutsu, but I just remembered that none of you have a fire affinity so this is the best you're gonna get."

And there went the pride. Kakashi was somewhat relieved; beating them into the dirt again would have been therapeutic if they started getting snippy with him, but Maruichi was also in a cast, so the doctors would probably castrate him for breaking it.


	22. First Steps I

"Come along now children." Kakashi chided, nearly tugging them along. "The Tower is only open for so long."

"Not until you tell us what we're there for." Sayo said stubbornly, holding tightly to Maruichi's neck.

"Why?" He asked, exasperated. "Why, for once in your life, can you not do as I say."

"We want proof you're not giving us to T&I." Maruichi wheezed through the fingers wrapped around his throat.

Saeki, clinging to Sayo's leg, looked up at Kakashi plaintively. "Touya says that when Jounin get bored of their teams, they give them to T&I."

"That's true." Kakashi admitted. "But also that's not what's happening, I promise."

For some reason that failed to reassure them, and they doubled down in trying to physically pull themselves away from the door to Hokage Tower, that stood open _literally five feet away holy shit just get in the tower you stupid children_.

With one massive tug, he pulled Saeki hard enough to pry Maruichi from the electrical pole he was clinging to with the might of Hashirama himself, flinging them through the doors to the tower. With a huge crash they slammed into the chakra wood flooring, falling apart like shattered glass and tumbling to a slow halt in a mass of groaning limbs and bruises. Kakashi, certainly not panting a little, finally stumbled through the doors. " _Finally_." He gasped, fixing the Hokage with an almighty glare. "I _finally_ got them into the tower, now I want to know _why_ I'm not allowed to tell them that they had a mission when I had to drag them here."

The Hokage, sitting pretty at the top of the room behind a desk piled high with scrolls and desk chuunin, shrugged. "Everyone does it."

" _But why_."

Sarutobi took a slow puff of his darkwood pipe, fixing Kakashi with an amused stare. "Would you have known of their fear of the Tower otherwise?"

"That's asinine."

"Also amusing." Sarutobi replies smoothly. One liver-spotted hand slowly swept across the somewhat sparsely populated room, and Kakashi's eyes followed it. Not a single person was willing to meet his eyes, though several hands covered grins. Kakashi slowly shut his jaw, glare growing stronger by the second. Still, he didn't say anything, and that alone grew the smug expression on Saru's face. Kakashi refused to give the old man the satisfaction of watching him sulk, so he turned deliberately to the children. "Yes, you heard him, we're doing a mission."

Maruichi gave him the gimlet eye. "To T&I?"

The Hokage slowly pulled a scroll from a box at his feet, cutting off Kakashi's brewing vengeance. "No, actually." Sarutobi bounced the scroll thoughtfully in his hand, watching it intently. "I have a different plan in mind. You see, Gai stopped by with his team earlier-"

"Wait what." Kakashi said.

Sarutobi looked at him in amusement. "Gai decided not to tell you then? He said he was inspired by your choice, but mentioned that he was worried your laxer habits would prove contagious."

"No." Kakashi said flatly. "He didn't."

 _Contagious eh? We'll see about that Gai, oh yes we will_

The Hokage started puffing faster, evidently containing his amusement. "Regardless, Gai's team stopped by from their most recent C-rank-"

"Fucking _C_ -Rank?!"

"You're behind, Kakashi." Sarutobi said flatly. "Yes, C-ranks, _during which_ -" he spoke faster, seeing the rebellious gleam in Kakashi's eye. "-he said that he noticed increased bandit activity."

"Trade?" Kakashi guessed idly, simmering a little. The Hokage nodded in sharp agreement. "The trade routes Shikaku recently opened have attracted their fair share of parasites." The scroll flew at Kakashi's head, and he unrolled it with a sharp flick of the wrist. Grey eyes scanned down the page.

"Our first D-rank." He muttered. "Manslaughter."

"Technically homicide." Sarutobi said. "The means and goal are one and the same."

"We accept." Kakashi said firmly.

Sayo groaned. "Can't we do something exciting instead?"

"No." Kakashi said stubbornly. "Chores build character."

Saeki threw up his arms in disgust and curled up on the floor. "Worst. Mission. Ever."

Shows what he knew. Kakashi swore to have them mucking out the nin-kennels later. Maybe the actual threat of dismemberment from littered weaponry would get them active.

Sarutobi's eyes tracked something behind Kakashi's head, and Kakashi it a sinking feeling in his gut. Saru waved a figure from outside the tower over. "Kakashi, this will be your guide to the bandit location." A figure in a pressed black coat and slick hair stepped in. "Sevin."

Kakashi ignored him and turned to the Hokage. "I'll take literally anyone else."

"Done and done." Sevin spun on his heel and left the building, and another man stepped in to replace him. The man had loose dark hair, and piercing blue eyes. Pale hands adjusted a clean brown suit that he nevertheless wore rumpled about his shoulders. "Name's Hayase." He said jauntily. "I'm here to sell you some blood." His smile was as untrustworthy as the make of his clothing, and Kakashi was willing to bet that both had been manufactured to leave an impression.

"Sold." Kakashi grinned. "Lead the way."

The walk to the Gates of Konoha was a jovial one, as Hayase seemed physically incapable of shutting up. Every silence was filled with the sound of tone-deaf whistling, and every wandering eye caught with a blue-specked wink.

The crowds seemed to part around them, the bustling hordes of midmorning shoppers making their way down the main boulevard. At this time of day, not many people had bothered dressing simply, the light of day a spotlight to anyone willing to make it. Puffy skirts dragged against massive legwarmers, fashionably dyed scarves caught on the most ridiculous hairstyles. Rumors of the eccentricity of the new Phoenix Prince grew by the day, and Sarutobi had done nothing but fan them. Many traders carried a catalogue of the 'latest' fashions from the Capital, and people hastened to match, every new magazine a new business in the streets. Rat-tail, coat-tail, hair-tail, suntrail, every new goddamn fashion some new eye-searing shade of color to paint the streets. Sadly, Kakashi had it on good word that any fashion that managed to make it to Konoha was hopelessly out of date. He could see why it was allowed to happen, of course; it was charming in a pandering sort of way. If the Daimyo-to-be ever dropped by, the dancing peacocks would probably raise his mood. This all wrapped into a somewhat festive atmosphere, as everyone was aware that they were in the most powerful village in the Nations, and they wanted to show it. It was like a fuckin' gala all day, and it kept the markets active and the lanterns lit.

Especially the red ones.

Kakashi however dragged their client grumbling down a side path. The riotous colors of the main street and grayed pastel rainbow of the tower faded to thick black ink as the walls grew closer together. Not an issue however, as Kakashi's natural burning charisma was enough to ward away anything from stray rats to stray children.

Well, that and a shiny headband. All the charisma you needed really, right there.

Eventually the gates loomed high overhead, and with a wink and a click of the tongue, Izumo let them out of a side entrance.

The world opened up before them, and even despite having seen it before, Kakashi had no doubt it had stolen their breath. He could remember the vista opening up before him, trying to focus on so much that it had all faded out into one massive frame, taking it all in. The rushing in their ears, the pride, the _authority_ , mmmm. What a mistake.

Fortunately, Hayase was the sort to pluck flowers he liked, tripping his way in frame and ruining the view his wayward students were probably trying to enjoy.

And with a grumble or two the magic faded and they were back on their way.

Sayo walked up behind Kakashi as they continued down the dirt path. "Sensei," She muttered. "Who is this guy? How does _he_ know where to go, but you don't?"

Hayase spun around from where he was walking a few feet ahead, a razor grin on his face. "I'm a traitor." He purred. "I join bandit groups and then sell them out to Konoha. At marked up prices of course."

Sayo's face soured, but Kakashi spotted Maruichi nodding thoughtfully. Fortunately, Saeki held his tongue, despite the disgust plastered all over his face. Hayase caught it too, his smile widening as they kept walking, spinning around so they didn't catch him.

Kakashi patted her head. "He's a client." He said kindly. "Which is essentially a vending machine on wheels you sit in and occasionally pull a money from."

"And he's leading us to bandits?" She said warily.

Kakashi shrugged. "Some kind of bandits maybe, not the ones we're heading to now though."

Everyone's head whipped around.

""""WHAT?!""""

Sayo's murderous glare immediately moved back to Hayase who chuckled in very worried nerves. "Ah, Mr. Hatake, would you mind terribly explain what you mean?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Lotta footprints, comfortable make, campfires, no wagons, weapon marks, I'd say a new troupe passed through and ousted the old ones."

Hayase withered like a vine. "I must say, I'm somewhat relieved. I wasn't particularly excited about confronting my old partners, but now I have no idea what's going to happen either."

"Relax, we got this." Kakashi comforted. "I'm sure my cute little genin could handle this themselves!"

"Wait hold on." Maruichi interrupted. "This all happened in the span of what, a day?"

Kakashi nodded confidently.

Maruichi turned and pointed behind him.

"We're less than a mile from Konoha. We've been walking for five minutes. Why are we already dealing with the bandits."

Kakashi chuckled. "Well, of course! Where else would you rob someone? Most foreign ninja aren't permitted within 5 miles of Konoha barring circumstances, so any foreign nin would have left by this point. That gives bandits a five mile stretch to work their magic."

Saeki blinked. "Wait, so, they're literally robbing people on our doorstep? Why don't we stop them?"

Kakashi laughed heartily. Stupid children. "What, for free? There's a reason these are D-ranks you know. It's not like they're paying that much either."

"I guess if you're killing rats, it doesn't really matter if they're in or out of Konoha." Maruichi mused. Kakashi, pleased, patted him on the head. They were learning."Well done, now get ready, I think they'll be coming soon."

The children, for some reason, tensed up and clustered around him. He watched, somewhat bemused, as their eyes sharpened and they slowly drew kunai. Ignoring them completely, he reached down and slowly flipped over their headbands so the metal bit pressed against their foreheads, before reaching up and doing the same to his own. Then he waved Hayase off, who obligingly jumped into the thicket behind them.

The children watched him go, somewhat torn between anger and curiosity.

The shrubs rustling before them drew their attention once more, and their heads snapped to the front. A beat passed, and as one clean show passed through a bush, Saeki hurled a kunai, grazing a clean suited businessman striding confidently from the foliage. "Hello!" He greeted, brushing dirt off his cuffs as more and more businessmen started walking out and greeting them. "Would you like to buy KonohaClear Insurance?" Not even a blink at the quivering knife beside his head. Either he had nerves of steel, or was perhaps, altogether a little too used to this.

"No." Kakashi responded cheerily.

The countenances of the twenty bespoke gentlemen around them dropped. "Are you sure?" One of them asked cautiously. "There are big threats around you know. It's our job to ensure you get to Konoha safely." Bizarrely enough, every single one of the men all had slicked back hair, and pressed brown suits. While the hair itself ranged from a light brown to black, the similarly rumpled coats and matching pocket protectors hinted at a uniform of sorts.

Saeki squinted at him. "I can literally see Konoha from here."

Sayo, instead, was staring at their dirty pants. "Do you just crouch in the dirt all day, waiting for someone to pass?" She asked morbidly.

One of the businessmen turned to Sayo. "Yes of course, what if someone needed our services?"

Another turned to Saeki. "Konoha is indeed visible from here." He said solemnly. "But that only makes the threats all the scarier! You never know what can attack you in the next twenty feet."

"I'm willing to take my chances." Kakashi responded politely.

The suits shrugged, before turning and traipsing back into the forest. The last one to go halted and turned to the side. "Oh no!" He called out blandly. "A dangerous **jounin** is attacking!" Clearing his throat, he brushed himself off and stepped back into the forest.

It was quiet for a long moment.

Saeki turned back to Kakashi. "So, what are they do so visibly near to Konoha anyway? They've got five miles to work with."

Kakashi shrugged. "Bandits gotta sleep too, right."

"They sleep in _Konoha_?"

"Of course. Where else?"

"...outside?"

Kakashi laughed. "They aren't trained. None of these bandits are dumb enough to risk diphtheria or some shit for that."

Saeki thought about it, as the other two's heads just pingponged between the two. "Why do we let them?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Not _our_ goods."

Saeki whistled, somewhat impressed.

And then a dirty, hairy man jumped down from a tree screaming like the devil. The children also behind screaming and hands were suddenly being waved everywhere and _knives were flashing and gold and red and green were flashing like strobe lights_ and Kakashi was getting a headache.

He grabbed Saeki by the face and lifted him up, dangling his feet. "Stop that."

The children stopped screaming, and interestingly, so did the "Jounin". Saeki dropped like a sack of shit.

The Jounin coughed, somewhat embarrassed, and waggled the knife in his hands. "Look, a knife!"

"I see that." Kakashi noted. The man wilted a little. His wiry face sort of...shifted a little? It was hard to tell behind the dark brown beard, it covered most of his face, and all he could see past it was rather large brown eyes. The man shifted again, in what Kakashi was beginning to interpret as discomfort, and pulled open his coat. "Look, more knives!"

"They're rusty." Kakashi noted. "You should really try not to catch tetanus."

"Look, the point is, I have knives and I'm not afraid to use them." The jounin informed them primly.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

The "jounin" waved the broken kunai in his hands in a vaguely aggressive manner. "I do - I swear, I do. Don't test m-ow!"

He sucked his thumb where it had slid up the blade and cut him.

The genin stared. Kakashi snapped his fingers. "Ah, he probably has tetanus now. Unfortunate."

The Jounin noticed their looks, and immediately pulled his thumb from his mouth.

"What the fuck are you looking at, h-ow! Fuck!"

Kakashi was awed that the man hadn't somehow cut his nose off yet, though if he kept going through fingers, his odds were rising.

The jounin sighed. "Okay look, the knife was clearly a mistake. But don't take this for surrender."

He hurled the knife glumly at the dirt..

Hayase walked out of the forest at that moment. "Good news, I-"

The knife bounced off a rock, flying end over end, before it buried itself to the hilt in his eye.

There was a moment of stunned silence, and the jounin himself looked at the body with a mixture of horror and surprise. It fell over with a wet _splotch_.

"D-who-did you know that guy?" He turned around. Kakashi coughed. "Yeah, that was our client."

The jounin rubbed his head, embarrassed. "Aw, man, I'm sorry about that." He stopped rubbing his head. "Kind of."

His hand went to his chin instead. "Alright, no I'm not, but sometimes these things just happen, you know? Life is ephemeral, you need to learn to appreciate things while they're still around. Look at me." He gestured to himself, a thin black shirt over dark green pants, both stained through years of wear and tear. "Used to be a pretty good nin, and then I got chakra cancer. I'm a bottom-of-the-barrel thug now. Life can be strange like that."

He shrugged. "Now, please hand over the goods. I've got plenty more knives, and I'm sure that I can off another one o-" He paused, looking thoughtful, as Kakashi looked on in morbid amusement.

"Now that I've said that, it probably won't work if I try intentionally," He admitted. "But I've got plenty of knives in my pocket and a blindfold I can wear. I've already killed someone by accident today, and I'm feeling good about my odds for another. So who wants to test me?"

"Me." Kakashi said.

"You drive a hard bargain, but I accept." He threw down his coat and put his hands over his head.


	23. First Steps II

Kakashi thought about it for a second, kunai bouncing in his hand. Then he turned to Saeki, beckoning him over and handing him the kunai. Saeki licked his lips a little and grabbed the knife gently, adjusting and readjusting his grip. It was still wrong, but Kakashi didn't bother correcting it; he was probably in no mind to hear it. Kakashi would bitch him out later.

The bandit stared him down in boredom, watching the child slowly drag his eyes up to meet him.

Kakashi nearly yawned, but concealed it with a slight cough when Saeki's eyes twitched toward him. Ignoring the slight pressure in his ears, Kakashi offered Saeki a smile he wouldn't be able to see, and stared into the back of his skull.

Saeki's head turned away quickly. He gulped a little and slowly moved towards the bandit, still watching carelessly.

And then with a clean underhand swing, Saeki rammed the kunai up through the bandit's jaw. The bandit's eyes went slowly glassy, bubbles of red foam popping on his lips.

"Yo, that's fucked up." He burbled, tears running down his face.

Hot breath washed over Kakashi, who wrinkled his nose, standing a little too close. "Ah, fuck man, the hell did you eat?"

"Pota..." a wet cough and the scraping of metal on bone. "...toes."

"Man, shoulda told me." Kakashi mourned. "Gotten you a decent meal, wine and dined you, made a real nice thing of it."

A red-flecked brown-haired eyebrow arched gently. "I'm his first..." another cough. "Damn that's a shame. I'd have at least dressed up."

"Regrets, regrets." Kakashi gently placed his hands over Saeki's frozen ones on the handle of the blade, and with one firm movement twisted the kunai, the gritty _crunch_ of his skull twisting and shattering numbing his fingertips a little. "No hard feelings?" He asked.

A foamy laugh was his reply. "Sure." And with a lingering sigh he was gone.

Kakashi yanked the blade out and wiped it off on the greasy shirt the bandit wore, before kicking it over. Then he turned to the children."And that's how you do it!" Kakashi said cheerily, one hand going down, and gently tousling Saeki's curly hair. The boy looked up at him and frowned. "I coulda finished him off."

"Yeah but I was bored and we need to go back to get your money." Kakashi said.

Their eyes went wide. Ah, they'd forgotten they got paid for this. Still frowning though, for some reason. In fact, Sayo seemed a little _more_ uncertain now.

Kakashi snapped his fingers. He had a feeling he knew what was up.

"You know," Kakashi said slowly. "This was the only backing those bandits had, they're pretty much gonna hole back up in konoha again. For the moment we've solved the bandit issue."

Wary eyes, slowly brightening. Unconsciously, they'd probably seen the bait coming, but he nearly had them hooked.

"That makes you _heroes_." Kakashi said sweetly. "Saved all the trade caravans moving down this road, you did. All you. I only helped a little, swearsies."

Giddy grins started spreading on their faces, and immediately they began bickering over who got the biggest cut. Of _heroism_. Kakashi, unable to suppress a twinge of fondness in his heart, didn't have the heart to tell them that he got the biggest cut.

Or maybe he just didn't wanna deal with the bitching until the Hokage was there to passively absorb the bitterness. The village may have only been five minutes away, but it was a five minutes he was going to savor.

Hey, herobucks paid the same as any other. He'd still take that cash. Not like he could make money off his _own_ missions anymore.

Well, actually, he _could_ , couldn't he. Not like the children were "officially" registered; on paper he was still flying solo.

Nah fuck that, this was easier.

Kakashi whistled a little as they started making their way back to Konoha. The children seemed a little out of it on the way, bumbling through crowds with a somewhat absentminded grace. The crowd parting at the bloodstains probably helped though; no one wanted that on their monday finest. The riotous edifices to textile industrialism parted like the clouds before the shining red off their clothing and the kunai Saeki still swung casually by the steel loop at his side.

This halted at the tower door however, as they snapped to attention as though the portal might swing shut on them. Chipped and faded as the patel overcoats were, something about them held their attention. As one, the three children seemed to shiver. Something they seemed to see beyond that first chakra-wood panel halted their breath. And then Danzo slowly stumped out, scars gleaming wetly in the afternoon light. One dark eye tracked them, flicking from face to face before resting calmly on Kakashi.

"Asuma's back." The voice like snapping bark spoke, and Kakashi flinched a little.

"Old man's gone up, has he?"

Danzo nodded soberly. "He cut off afternoon teatime."

Oh dear.

"Children." Kakashi said absently. "Head home. I'll drop off your pay later."

Not a word was said, but he felt their presences leave. For once in their goddamn lives, they'd obeyed with no complaints. It felt a little colder without them. Danzo had yet to blink.

"Alright." Kakashi girded himself. "Why is Konohamaru crying now."

"The hokage hurt Asuma's feelings."

Kakashi sighed gustily. "Asuma got to him before Ebisu, eh."

"He tried to give Konohamaru a souvenir from the capital."

Kakashi whistled.

"Didn't know guilting Asuma was that effective."

"Shockingly so." Danzo stroked his bare chin. "Shame it didn't go over too well. Konohamaru still thinks daddy dearest died in the capital city."

"Genma and Hayate let that stay?"

"Didn't have the heart to tell him."

"The heart? Or the _breath_?"

Danzo hummed quietly. "The hokage might be a little little angry."

Kakashi sighed. "You drew straws without me."

Danzo clapped him on the back. "Thank you for your service."

-

"What's this about emotional manipulation I hear being thrown around old man?" Kakashi quipped, striding casually. He stopped only to kick the door shut behind him, the secretary's shouting punctuated by the quiet _slam_. The hokage continued calmly puffing for a minute more, before slowly putting the pipe down. The atmosphere around him seemed to darken a little, the plant on his table wilting.

Kakashi didn't bother feeling bad for it. He had a feeling there would be a new one to replace it soon. He felt worse for himself, frankly; this was probably gonna be a pain in the ass.

He eyed Kakashi easily. "Yes, it's true."

Or not.

"Oh?" Kakashi looked at him in interest. "You are? You admit it? Problem solved?"

"Problem solved." He agreed. "Hokage do bad."

Kakashi nodded wisely.

"Please don't hurt me."

"I cannot promise anything." Sarutobi said mournfully. "Ah, but if only someone could stop my sinful hand."

"Is that a liquor ban?"

"No." The hokage said innocently. "Only a tax."

"That's _worse!_ " Kakashi wailed. "I can't even justify smuggling it!"

"Asuma drinks too much." The hokage said thoughtfully. "Cutting into his salary is one of the few ways to actually get him to do things without needing to raise my voice."

"Why make me suffer for that?!" Kakashi begged. "Make an Asuma tax instead!"

Sarutobi looked at him in disappointment. "Asuma isn't the only one with a drinking problem."

"I _need_ it."

Sarutobi's fist clenched so hard his table cracked. The pen on his table danced for a second, ink sloshing loudly in its well as the wood beneath it flexed dangerously.

"I hear teetotallers have a longer lifespan." Kakashi mused.

"Imagine that." Sarutobi said mildly. "I imagine it has a way of not irritating your superiors."

"Like Asuma." Kakashi agreed.

Sarutobi's lips thinned. "Yes, like Asuma."

"Then why mess with him. You're saying the stuff you do to Asuma intentionally, right?"

"Yes." The Hokage replied calmly. "I'm well aware that my words are guilting Asuma."

"Why?"

"Because I want him to live a certain way." The Hokage admitted. "I believe that he is going down the wrong path, and I intend to fix that. He spends too much time at the capitol, and not enough here. It leaves him open to too many poor influences."

"That's kinda twisted." Kakashi says speculatively. "Actually kinda messed up."

"Perhaps." Sarutobi said, leaning back. "No, it certainly is. I can admit that. But I stand firmly by the fact that this is for his own good." His steely glare met Kakashi's eye. "The Daimyo's court is no place for him to muddle about in. I will not permit him to act like this, when it stands to ruin his life."

 _"_ _Sensei." Maruichi says. "I've discovered my lifelong dream of doing paperwork for the rest of my life. My stale life grows ever more stale, and this appeals to me deeply. Goodbye."_

 _"Sensei, I want to be a baker." Saeki says._

 _"Sensei I'm defecting to the Land of Hot Water. Free Hotsprings forever is too good." says Sayo._

"I feel you." Kakashi said. "Really, I do. But aren't you a little old for that?"

The hokage eyed him. "Am I?"

"Sure." Kakashi said.

 _"_ _Saeki what are you doing." Kakashi says._

 _"I'm pursuing a career as a librarian in the deepest, darkest pit I could find." Saeki says proudly._

 _"You're an adult right?" Kakashi says speculatively. Saeki nods proudly, and Kakashi hums to himself._

 _"Good then I can kill you with no regrets."_

 _Saeki is screaming now._

"Yeah, you're a little too old for this shit, old man." Kakashi said. "You need to get over this, Asuma is an adult."

"I bet you didn't even imagine yourself as an old man." Sarutobi accused. "Also, imagine one of the team members whose will you _haven't_ broken."

 _"_ _Sayo." Oldkashi says. "Pay my hospital bills."_

 _"I ain't paying shit, old man." Sayo replies, disinterested, filing tax forms and burning booze for light. "You have plenty of money to pay for your own bills."_

 _"But I'm old," Oldkashi whines, "And that money is for porn."_

 _She shoots Oldkashi a look of deep disgust. "Fuck you, you old piece of shit. Buy your own damn healthcare, fuck you and your porn."_

 _"Nooooooooooooooo!" Oldkashi screams._

"Make sure Asuma starts offering to cover the booze tab too." Kakashi said.

They traded understanding nods.


	24. Interlude: Baba-Yaga

"Hoo-hoo-hoooo..." Jiraiya whistled long and slow. "Fully primed and ready to go. The snake's got some scary, scary weapons of mass destruction lying around." His binoculars panned sideways, and the scope of the danger unveiled itself. "How long has he been working on this?"

The room seemed to grow warmer as Jiraiya started sweating from nerves. Konoha simply wasn't ready for large-scale combat right now, rumors of trade routes expanding meant that the Old Man had probably finally taken his advice. They needed this, the chance to close ties. They couldn't _afford_ this kind of threat right now. His legs grew cramped from his hunched-up posture, but he refused to shift. This was bigger than his petty concerns of comfort. Konoha needed this vital intel and it was his duty as spymaster to make sure they go-

The 'WMD' walked over and swung the curtain open.

"Lord Jiraiya." The traitor-nin greeted pleasantly. "What brings you here?"

"I heard rumors of a particularly valiant and lovely kunoichi." Jiraiya said, quickly arranging his previously-crouched position into something far more dashing and valiant. Now reclining on his side, he winked. "Now, I must say, I had also heard rumors that she needn't even strike, that her presence alone brought men low and well, I," He chuckled ruefully. "I must say I didn't quite believe them. Rumors exaggerate so _much_ you see. But ah, I'm afraid I've found myself struck quite dumb."

She flushed a little, but her hand around her hidden kunai tightened. "I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage." Her tone grew speculatively. "I am more than my body, my Lord."

If she was playing along, then...

"You are absolutely correct." He replied smoothly. "Perhaps I could get to know the other side of you over a cup of tea. Show me who you _really_ are."

She flushed deeper and he grinned. Still got it.

"I'd love to my Lord." She said, voice wavering a little. "But I'm afraid you may have other concerns at the moment."

"Jiraiya, what the hell are you doing in the female showers?" Orochimaru's voice echoed.

"Busted." Jiraiya groaned.

—

"Jiraiya, _why_ you insist on your insipid antics is beyond me. Really it is."

Jiraiya began tuning him out immediately, choosing instead to eye the room. Clean, stark white walls with no stains, durable steel furniture but the occasional painting every so often, not too crowded but an even inflow/outflow from the area. Orochimaru had gotten a means of funding at at last, and everything spoke of greater plans. Even the tea shop they were in was functionally a bunker at its core. The other patrons were obviously nin, but clever enough to rotate in and out, and mix in some who weren't aware of what was happening.

"Not bad." Jiraiya muttered. "Place is looking good Snake. I'm impressed you got this actually working out."

"I'm sure you are." Orochimaru said drily. "Waltzing in like that, I'll need to have a talk with the guards."

"Don't bother." Jiraiya advised. "Too soon. Let them get comfortable, they probably still miss their homes, coming in heavy handed will build tensions."

"I see..." Orochimaru muttered. "Well, you always did comprehend a civilian mindset better than I."

Silence reigned for a moment, punctuated with quiet sips of steaming tea, and the _clack_ of baked clay on porcelain.

"Anyway." Orochi said abruptly, snapping him out of it. "I am surprised that _you_ of all people showed up. I was under the assumption you still held some..." A hand waved airily. "...grudge."

"Oh, believe me." Jiraiya's voice darkened immeasurably. "We'll settle up on that, someday." He sipped his tea again, slightly distracted, before his voice lightened. "But not what I'm here for. I've got a mission I want your help on, special stuff, but first I want to know if I can trust you to bear it out. Frankly, I'm more impressed you haven't tried to kill _me_ yet."

Jiraiya closed his eyes a little, and Orochi chuckled, at that. "The same reason I haven't killed you, is the same as the reason why I listen to what advice you are capable of providing even now." Orochimaru grinned, a slit-eyed close-mouth smile that stretched his face like taffy. "You want _peace_." He hissed. "For all people. Including mine. I can trust that, and I can trust you to believe it blindly. I don't _need_ to have you killed."

Jiraiya leaned back on his solid metal chair. "I suppose I should be flattered." He muttered. "If not for the fact that you still allow your nin to try to kill me."

"You had it coming." Orochimaru rebutted. "No one told you to act like an animal, you chose to do that, you reap the consequences."

"She was hot." Jiraiya said plainly. "Hot, and witty, and _willing_. I wouldn't have stuck around if she wasn't interested."

Orochimaru snorted. "And that's why I called you an animal. Your nauseating insistence on following these repulsive instincts of yours." He shuddered. "To think you would allow them to goad you so."

"Okay hold up." Jiraiya shifted, leaning forward in interest. "You need to qualify that shit. I joked about you being a robot, but you sure as hell sound like one now. 'Repulsive instincts', fucking what?"

"Humans are social creatures. Friendship as a fundamental desire was formed to encourage pack behavior and allow us survival chances. Logic was only invented relatively recently." Orochimaru took a slow sip, organizing his thoughts. "For the most part, all our needs are derived such, including the need for intimacy. It fulfills two base needs, closeness and reproduction. Both instincts hardwired into our minds by more primitive times." He put the cup down and held out his hands in parallel, before clasping them together. "Closeness and genetic inheritance. Intertwined, they provide the baseline need for reproduction." He separated his hands. "However, what if you were able to separate these? Genetic inheritance was a need instilled prior to the evolution of a true sense of "self", one of the eight grand senses. Back when we operated with seven, there was no need. But when "self" came to be, so did the opportunity to move beyond." The hands drifted apart. "If the need for genetic inheritance could be removed through, say, a more superior or overriding method of propagating yourself, then the need for this practice could be eliminated altogether." The right hand returned to the cup, while the left clenched tightly. "You could gain the intimacy needed to soothe your 'self' without the risks or loss of 'identity' caused by melding with another being. Allowing the comfort without losing any of the mental acuity. Like, say, from a conversation, or sharing a cup of tea, or playing a game. We could evolve beyond our primitive desires."

"Huh, I never thought about it that wa-" Jiraiya froze. "Wait hold on, 'cup of tea', motherfucker is that why you dragged me here?"

"Of course." Orochimaru said matter-of-factly.

Jiraiya looked murderous.

Orochimaru looked somewhat offended by the hostility. "You said we were friends, no?"

Jiraiya's teacup shattered. "I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Don't be such a child, Jiraiya." Orochimaru frowned at the shattered shards of baked clay, waving someone over to clean it up. "I'd afford anyone I respected this opportunity. You, Minato had he still lived, Princess of course, even Sensei."

Jiraiya gagged a little.

"Just." He felt nausea clinging to his throat. "Just shut up. I'll give you the mission details and you can decide but, just, for God's sake, stop talking."

Orochimaru threw up his hands in genuine frustration, before huffing and leaning back in his chair.

There was a long, very awkward pause, for quite a long time after that.

"So, is this how you get people to give you their bodies? Is this the elevator pitch? 'Closeness like never before?'"

"Shut up Jiraiya."


	25. First Steps III

**Bladestar123** Happy

"Kakashi." Danzo greeted gruffly. "What brings you around."

Kakashi waved jauntily from where he leaned against a small table. "Keeping busy, staying away from Lord Hokage's bitch fit, tricking Shikaku into thinking I'm actually working, the usual."

Danzo sighed and began stumping forwards, the gloom enveloping him.

The tunnel the two of them were in was a grand one, wires like earthworms snaking across damp ceilings. Beads of water perspirated down the curved walls in rivulets, tracing out a circle wide enough to host an entire army. Danzo's cane rasped off the wall, sparks revealing flecks of iron in the stone, yet the light revealing no seams. The sparks danced, the veins of iron casting a deeply orange reflection, the entire tunnel sparking to life with every _tap_. This entire underground edifice had been shaped by human will, great fingers of stone and air wresting the space from the dirt, tearing into it. Kakashi felt it, in the slope, in the cracked sides, in the plants forcing themselves in. Felt the weight of the earth like shackles on his upward momentum.

Irritatingly, Danzo had the nasty habit of allowing his cane to drag on the floor for a single second before lifting it, an ear-piercing _scree_ of splintering wood on stone constantly repeating itself. _Skreeeeee_ , **flash** , _skreeeee_ , **flash** , every irritating noise punctuated by a flash of light like a gunshot to the eye.

Kakashi had felt like killing himself ever since he first heard it. If Death approached him with a sound like that, he'd go willingly than subject himself to it for a minute longer.

"Well, I suppose it cannot be helped." Danzo muttered. "God forbid anyone need to deal with that shit."

 _Skreeee_ , **flash** , _skreeeee_ , **flash**

Kakashi fought the urge to snap that walking stick. Danzo continued walking and muttering to himself as he followed behind quietly.

"Hiruzen always did have a tendency to go off on people." Danzo mused.

" _I don't blame the man._ " A muffled voice said.

"Too right." Danzo agreed. "Sensei probably wanted someone with the courage to act, but Sensei tended to be pretty cocksure himself."

" _Probably made the wrong decision then, didn't he._ "

"Of course."

"Not that I don't find the open sedition entertaining." Kakashi interrupted. "But what the fuck are we doing here anyway?"

" _It's teatime._ "

"Hello Hashirama," Kakashi said cheerfully. "How goes the development of a nervous system?"

" _I grew another eye!_ " The cheerful voice replied, still muffled, though Kakashi could make out the ruffling of Danzo's right cuff. " _I can even blink it!_ "

"Fascinating."

"It is." Danzo agreed. "I have yet to discover where the food he eats goes. He doesn't seem to possess salivary glands, so he clearly isn't breaking anything down."

"Is it going into your arm?" Kakashi asked, intrigued. The thought of food slowly pushing it's way up Danzo's muscular structure was an amusing one. If he flexed his bicep, would the food be visible?

"No." Danzo grumped. "That would be too easy, would it not? Evidently, something about his cardiovascular and gastric system is beyond my current understanding."

"How so?"

"He burps. Often."

Kakashi nearly stopped walking. "Wow, I wasn't expecting that. Lactic acid byproducts maybe?"

"I haven't weightlifted in literal years Kakashi. I haven't the faintest idea how he's doing it, and he rejects my requests to study him deeper."

" _Being 'peeled open like a leaf' is an unpleasant proposition._ " The voice informed. Danzo's shoulders tensed. "It was a compliment." The stick struck a little harder. "Being as a leaf is the greatest honor any of us can expect. A _true_ shinobi would have leapt at such an opportunity."

" _I am neither a ninja nor a leaf. What I am, is thirsty._ "

"As am I," Danzo sighed. "Good thing it's teatime." The breath came out wistfully. "Hiruzen's constant whining of the state of his progeny wears."

" _Tea party!_ " The voice cheered.

"Tea party!" Kakashi cheered.

"Glad to see both of you have invited yourselves." Danzo grumbled.

-

The _clack_ of clay on wood echoed strangely.

"Pass the tea please?" Kakashi asked politely, before gently seizing the kettle beside him. The stuffed cadaver doll sitting beside him said nothing, not even batting a cloth eye as Kakashi accidentally bumped his teacup and slopped some a little over the rim.

"Manners, Kakashi." Danzo frowned. "Mr. Yorue hasn't patience for lackadaisical actions."

"Forgive me Mr. Yorue." Kakashi turned and said very seriously. "Only the one eye, you see. You understand." Reaching over, Kakashi gently pushed one of his foam eyes back into place.

" _He says thank you._ " Hashirama informed him primly.

"So he does." said the ghostly child seated beside Danzo. "Very wise of you Mr. Hashirama."

" _Thank you Sai. Those manner books are coming in help, I see?_ "

"I am not allowed to say." The child looked at Hashirama emptily. "Kuraichizu-Sensei speaks of using information withheld to appear more mysterious."

" _You probably shouldn't tell people that._ "

"Lord Danzo says that I shouldn't listen to you due to your lack of any kind of social experience."

"Lord Danzo agrees with the face, as it so happens." Danzo said firmly. "Sai, I will be needing to pass you some of my other human interaction books as well. Specifically the ones regarding correct emotive expression."

"Are you already done with them Lord Danzo?"

Danzo nodded gently. "Indeed I am. I've been practicing a great deal outside of ROOT as well, an experience you may find greatly valuable."

"I hardly noticed." Kakashi said.

"That means it's working." The little boy turned to him and informed him flintily. Or maybe that was matter-of-fact, as the boy didn't seem capable of emotions to begin with.

"No one else has noticed the depth and breadth of my emotional capacity growing." Danzo spoke sternly. "My plan to integrate into the village proceeds apace."

"I feel that there may be some issues regarding that plan." Kakashi said, sipping at his tea. "Namely the fact that you look like a gremlin and speak like a teacher."

"My books inform me that people enjoy speaking with strangers that they feel superiority towards, in order to reinforce their self-worth." Danzo spoke absently.

"That right?" Kakashi asked. "That certainly would explain a lot regarding your choice of people to interact with."

" _Indeed. Why do you think we invited you to the Tea Party?_ " Hashirama grinned.

"I think I see Danzo growing a mole near your bottom lip."

While the face began squealing in disgust and horror, Kakashi started looking around furtively.

Six people were seated around a rectangular table, Danzo at one end and Kakashi at the other. Between them were seated Mr. Yorue the stuffed person toy with a bad eye, Sai the ROOT child taking a little too much after his surrogate father, Sir Cuddleston the tower fan with a stuffed bear head pulled over the top who occasionally whirred back and forth, and Lady Hemonite the jarbrain who provided of the most illuminating conversation. Everyone was seated comfortably, although Sir Cuddleston had his tea privileges revoked after a ROOT agent had turned the fan settings up too high and his empty cup had nearly rolled off the table.

The table itself was in the middle of a massive cavern, bored through with tunnels leading all the way up a beehive-esque spiral, to a peaked pyramidtop that somehow opened just enough to allow a bar of natural light through. It shined all the way down to form a pool of white light in the center of the table, where sat the star of the show, the teakettle. Heavily green and shot through with golden seams flowering into fractal loops, it was a massive edifice to elegant luxury. Also, it made all the tea taste very lightly cinnamon-ish and this pleased Kakashi greatly.

Kakashi and the sixty ROOT agents all sitting or standing on various ledges going all the way up the beehive, and staring at the table somewhat enviously.

"I see you've been doing well for yourself." Kakashi commented. Danzo grunted, somewhat sourly. "Not as well as I could have," he grumbled. "Hiruzen's really been cracking down on secret organizations."

Kakashi nearly swallowed his tea too quickly, quickly leaning back with his mouth open hoping to let it cool before it seared his epiglottis.

"Relax. There will be and remain a constant vigilance towards thottery on my watch." Danzo said firmly. "Already we've arrested and murdered numerous people attempting to sow ideas of 'public fraternization' among the population. I will not permit them to distract good, hardworking nin.

"No," Danzo said, eyeing Kakashi's relaxing frame, "I speak, of course, of ROOT."

"Nearly got me in, you did." Kakashi said nostalgically. "Would've joined too, if-"

"If Maito had held his tongue, yes." Danzo said testily. "It probably would've also served to head off my current issue of Hiruzen limiting the number of active troops that I am permitted."

Kakashi slid his hand behind his head, accepting a teacup from Lady Hemonite while gently cracking his neck. "I see. What about the desk-chuunin?"

Danzo almost visible sunk down, muttering angrily. Hashirama coughed slightly, lapping up some beads of tea from Danzo's shoulder. " _That was the point, we think._ " He said. " _Hiruzen seemed somewhat amused at the thought of Danzo doing his own paperwork._ "

"He seems pettier than usual." Kakashi commented. Danzo grunted. "To make things worse, we've got an influx of foreign spies." He spat. "Little bastards are sneaking in with the caravans, and I can't combat them. They're all extroverted people talented at speaking and begin subverting my ROOT agents almost immediately with promises of 'freedom' and 'free candy'. I can't expect my troops to keep up with that." Danzo's hand nearly slammed into the table, halting just above and thumping it gently. "Who could compete with _free_ candy Kakashi?! I can't afford that kind of fiscal irresponsibility! Hiruzen's already slashed my budget _twice,_ and he _refuses_ to do something about them _!"_

Kakashi thought about it. "Draft a D-Rank for it." He suggested. "My children are too dumb to comprehend personal liberty, we can handle it."

Danzo sighed and leaned back a little in relief. "Thank you Kakashi." He muttered.

He stood up slightly, pushing back his chair and holding a teacup up to Hashirama's...shoulder-jaw.

"Enjoy the tea." He said thoughtfully. "And then get the fuck out."

Kakashi cheerfully waved him off, sipping his tea.

Beside him, Mr. Yorue slowly turned his stuffed head towards Kakashi. "Thanks for that." The stuffed creature whispered. "Lord Danzo's been insufferable for weeks."

Lady Hemonite burbled in agreement.

"You would be the desk-chuunin?" Kakashi said in a quiet undertone.

Yorue flinched.

" _No, actually. Apparently this is the countermeasure to avoid the personnel limits implemented._ " Yorue whispered. " _Lord Danzo had half of us 'killed' and transplanted us like this so we could continue to serve._ "

"Efficient." Kakashi muttered.

"Indeed." Sai said in a loud monotone. "Shame that they still require food."

"You have _enough_ to eat, Sai. You don't 'need' _any_ sort of candy to fill your stomach." Yorue snapped. "Be polite."

"Make me."

Kakashi sighed. He did _not_ come here to deal with _more_ children.

But _damn_ was this tea good. 


	26. First Steps IV

Shikaku slowly sucked a lungful of smoke in, holding steady. Kakashi quietly started counting, getting to a hundred-eighty seconds before Shikaku let it go. Half a second sooner than last time; notable because if there was one thing Shikaku was, it was consistent. Kakashi made note that Shikaku was getting old, and that his lung capacity was decreasing. Yoshino would appreciate the tip-off.

Shikaku's eyes narrowed. He'd noticed, likely having had kept count himself and watching to see if Kakashi would do the same. Guess that meant Yoshino wouldn't be getting that tip-off after all. Shikaku took Kakashi's nod to mean what it did, and leaned back, almost invisibly less tense. He couldn't escape Kakashi's eyes however, something Shikaku knew, which meant that he was likely trying to set Kakashi himself at ease, meaning that he probably had his own plans as to the state of his health and how he was going to inform Yoshino.

Kakashi shrugged. Shikaku nodded.

And that was that.

Shikaku sucked another lungful in. 180.5 seconds.

"Kakashi, I have a lead."

Kakashi hummed, slightly distracted. "About what?"

The other eye widened(?), ah no, his eyes widened, and the other narrowed. Irritation, then.

"The academy, Kakashi."

"I thought the result of that was the trade routes you started opening?"

Shikaku sighed, great gouts of smoke pouring out. 180.5 seconds. "No, Kakashi. That was a means to an end. The trade is useful for Konoha, of course, but also surprisingly for Suna. It seems their Daimyo started cutting the funding to the village a matter of months ago. A slow chokehold, likely to influence his command over the nin."

Kakashi shrugged. "Common enough. Daimyo gets spooked that the badasses he keeps on leash slipped the noose. Tries something to curb it, slips, trips, eats shit, village gets an ounce more freedom."

"Except they didn't." Shikaku said soberly. "Something prevents them from doing this."

"Ohhhh?" Kakashi mused. "I wonder how that happened? I wonder what that could possibly be...?"

Shikaku sighed. "Suna sent a great many goods. A very unique brand of chakra wood, notably when compared to samples taken from battlefields, resembles the kind used in wooden puppets."

"They sent their pet project." Kakashi repeated. " _Really_."

Shikaku held up one hand, and squeezed his thumb and index together. "Very little." He looked at Kakashi lazily through the loop made of his hand. "But enough, more than enough to buy goods. They knew that we knew, so they jacked up the prices. We're cutting exclusive deals right now."

"So the question is: what the hell do they want so badly." Kakashi mused, tracing the ink stains on Shikaku's hands with his eye. "So badly they would go _this_ far."

"Oh you know." A deep breath. "This and that. Some regional fruits. Vegetables. Water. _Lots_ of water. Cotton, hemp, some flowers, opium, malt, some non-chakra wood, tubers, the more water-intensive grains. Other stuff in smaller quantities." A flick of the eye and a slow exhale. 180.5 seconds. "Stimulants."

"Stimulants?" Kakashi leaned in. "Why? Not soldier pills, surely."

Shikaku scoffed. "Not the combat variety. They're purchasing clerical-grade stimulants in very small amounts with most of their transactions. But it's _consistent_."

"It's urgent." Kakashi mused. "And, I'd wager, part of what the Daimyo has over them."

"Suna can't produce a lot of the herbs they likely need; a stranglehold on any few herbs they need from the capital or a neighboring region would likely do it." Shikaku shrugged. "Well, that and money and business and connections and food and water...lotsa potential openings there."

"All of which, sent down like a bolt from the heavens with our sudden trade openings." Kakashi hummed. "And everyone wins, since we're probably making more money than ever."

"Actually we're slashing your mission pay." Shikaku informed him.

"WHAT." Kakashi sputtered, drips of tea rolling off his lips. "W-why?!"

Shikaku scoffed. "We're literally sharing our business, and sending our customers cross-country. We can't keep up this kind of footing forever, we're _hemorrhaging_ money to pull this off. The only reason I'm bothering is because we have a solid lead to follow, and we need to find out _where_ it leads."

Kakashi sighed and leaned back. "Dead end then?"

"Dead-end." Shikaku confirmed. Deep exhale. 180 seconds.

Kakashi sighed, before sitting bolt upright. "Actually, can I ask you something...?"

-

"Alright children, look around! This is the location of our new mission." Kakashi informed, marketplace bustling around him. The children looked around dubiously, eyeing the crowd with no small trepidation. The market was already busy, the latest fashions hung out to dry on racks, the latest fashion hunters, those lovely _thrill_ seekers already prowling the streets. Pawing at each other, noting patterns and colors, criticizing each other's hair and taste. Lovely, Kakashi was sure. He sidestepped a man reaching for a belt so far beyond his financial means that when the shopkeeper drew a knife and hurled it at the man, Kakashi offered the shopkeeper a spare he accepted, warding off yet another potential leech with a backswing. After all, that was money hanging off those racks, openly in display, every lace bobbet and leather catchstrap.

Kakashi stretched out one long hand, spiderlike digits reaching and idly snagging a stray collar, curling over the cloth lip, rasping the stitched back, dragging it towards him. The collar followed unwillingly, the pull of the crowd threatening to pull it away, but scarred fingers tugged harder, grip like steel pulling _through_ the force of the crowd, backflow bumping into his chest. The collar followed, easier with every second, until Kakashi finally pulled it free, attached to a young man with pale skin and green eyes. Confused, he blinked, a flicker of wariness deep in his eyes. Kakashi smiled gently at him, finger about his collar loosening, before hanging loosely about the child's shoulders.

"Hello."

"Ah." The boy mentally stumbled. "Sorry, can I...help you?"

"Yes."

Kakashi's arm whipped forward, tucking the boy's neck into the crook of Kakashi's elbow, as he flexed his arm and felt the boy's throat begin to constrict, tightening, vertical bands pushing hard, harder, as he struggled to free himself, fingers scrabbling against Kakashi's taut arm. The fingers began tearing harder as Kakashi waited patiently, nails chipping as he began exerting force beyond his biological limits. Eventually he slowed to a halt, hands scrabbling, to patting, to tugging, to falling as his eyes rolled up into his skull and he went limp.

Sayo raised a hand. "Why."

"Good question." Kakashi mused. "He must've been trained better than I thought, most people have chakra reflexively enhance their muscles when they feel near death. Must be some kind of specialized training course."

She blinked.

Maruichi raised his hand. "But why did you do that."

"Ah." Kakashi blinked, before reaching down and ruffling the boy's pockets, before slowly drawing out a headband.

 _Iwa_

Their eyes widened, as Kakashi grinned, prize flashing in hand.

"He's a spy." Saeki said slowly.

"Been following him all morning." Kakashi said cheerfully. "Now it's your turn, go find spies."

"Is this even a D-rank?" Saeki asked, somewhat morbidly, still staring at the unconscious body under Kakashi's arm.

"Sure." Kakashi said generously. "But also, did you know that foreign headbands are worth money? It's why spies keep them on. We get paid and they get ransomed once we're done torturing them and bleeding them dry."

"Would spies actually have any useful information?" Maruichi frowned.

Kakashi shrugged. "Sure. Some, at least. Gotta have some collateral for a hostage exchange. But no, I meant literally bleeding them. Ibiki thinks it's good luck, and the chakra leeches get antsy."

"Sensei." Saeki raised his hand. "Why are you telling us this in public?"

Kakashi scoffed. "Please, you think these animals care?" He swept a hand, nearly knocking some people over. Not a single one noticed, continuing to hustle to whatever destination they saw. In fact, no one around them seemed to notice the body under Kakashi's arm. Or care, really. "Spies only care if we pretend it's a secret. Doing this in public, they're more likely to believe there's some kind of hidden message than take it literally."

"So what." Sayo screwed her eyes up. "We're competing? Go find the spies? That easy? Really."

"Sure. I may have done something to stir them up earlier, so they should be a little easier to spot than usual around now."

 _Kakashi looks at the poster with satisfaction. Beside him, Shikaku frowns a little. "Kakashi, I know you said this was necessary for whatever it is you have planned, but must you?"_

 _"Yes." Kakashi said solemnly. "Deeply, very, indubitably important."_

 _ **ALL TRAITOROUS SPIES GET LIFE INSURANCE AND EMPLOYMENT IN KONOHA. BONUS SIGNING PAY FOR EVERY ADDITIONAL TRAITOR YOU SUPER-BETRAY. Invasive surgery unnecessary, Konoha Headband not included in offer. Limited time offer, not covered by warranty. TraitorBucks not accepted as valid currency, coupons for additional conditions valid only until Uchiha Liberation Day.**_

 _Shikaku groaned. "And how am I supposed to pay our new...contract hires?"_

 _"Don't worry, I got this." Kakashi said smugly._

"They'll be so busy watching their own asses and each other, they won't even expect it." Kakashi said smugly. "Especially since they think we _want_ them."

Saeki sighed. "Alright, so, who gets that one then?" He pointed to the one in Kakashi's hand. Kakashi's fist clenched around it.

"What?" He asked.

"Who gets that band." Saeki repeated, somewhat impatient. "We only have today to do this right? Are we splitting the pay for that one."

Kakashi laughed. "Oh god no."

"Wait." Maruichi's eyes narrowed behind his thin frames. "Sensei, what are you planning with that headband."

"This?" Kakashi grinned. "This is mine."

"Sensei, are you competing _with_ us."

"I want money too." Kakashi said defensively. "And this is convenient. I did all the prep work and everything."

"Sensei." He could see the growing dread in Sayo's eyes. "Sensei, are you seriously planning to fight us for traitor headbands."

"Yes?"

"And if we get none?"

"No pay." Kakashi said cheerfully.

"So." Sayo said slowly. "You are literally robbing us."

Kakashi thought about that for a second.

"No." He decided. "I'm not."

"Why is that?"

"Because that implies you had a chance of getting it to begin with."

"Sonnofa-"

-

"Kakashi, why have you been assaulting civilians."

""I swear there's a good explanation." Kakashi pled. "Totally."

The Hokage looked at him with the sort of forced patience, Kakashi recognized, that prefaced the Hokage assigning front-line missions.

"Look!" He pulled out his pouch. "Look!" He yanked out a couple headbands, jingling them gently in case Sarutobi missed what he was supposed to look at. "Headbands! Foreign headbands!"

"Two of those are Konoha headbands." The Hokage noted.

"With a _scar_." Kakashi said.

"Kakashi, you did that just now." Sarutobi said. "I can literally see the metal shavings. The cuts are literally cleaner than the rest of the band. You made those."

"I have." Kakashi said with great dignity. "Delivered _several_ traitors to T&I. Hundred percent."

"Hundred percent."

" _Guaranteed_ traitors, even."

"Mhm. And your children."

The three little penguins huddled around his feet looked at each other sheepishly. Saeki slowly drew two headbands out from behind his back.

"It's the best we got." He muttered.

"Disappointing." Kakashi said.

"I assure you Kakashi, that the most disappointing thing about that is the fact that you literally followed them, waited for them to identify someone, and then stole the headband while laughing at your genin." The Hokage said.

The three turned and shot him deeply betrayed looks. Kakashi, used to blowing off responsibility, quickly changed the topic. "Oh look, money!"

"The genin, two traitor headbands, that makes..." Iruka muttered to himself, sitting next to the Hokage, safe from Kakashi's meddling knives. "...a hundred thousand yen, to be distributed among them."

Their eyes nearly rolled out of their skulls. They turned to look at Kakashi, tugging his shirt and subvocalizing screams of joy. Mostly it sounded like a group of very dehydrated sea lions trying to tug a fish off a tree. Nothing but dry rasps and desperate attempts to comprehend the nature of what was happening.

"And ten million yen to Kakashi. Plus bonus pay of an additional hundred thousand for every band taken by his students." Iruka finished.

"That's a little, I guess. Shame they didn't get any more." Kakashi mused.

The joy in their eyes died, replaced by murderous rage.

Kakashi chuckled and herded them out the door, sliding the check into Sayo's sweaty hands.

He turned back to the Hokage, puffing away at his pipe with a look of deep amusement.

"Say, Kakashi."

"Mmm?"

"These headbands." the Hokage's manicured fingernails _pinged_ off the metal forehead protectors, "The ones taken by your students. They're genin, right, the two they took out."

"Mmm. Foreign genin."

"Mmm, I gathered." The Hokage puffed. "These foreign genin. Captured. Very suspicious you say."

"Mhm."

"One of them was a 'genin' named Morouki. A traitor to be sure, but one that has been around for a little bit."

"Mmm. Super traitor."

"Funny thing, it seems he was in an incident a few days ago. Incident reports he accidentally spilled ice cream on the shoes of an important village asset. A jounin sensei, if you would believe it."

"Wow, imagine that."

"I just thought you'd like to know, as the incident report states one _Hatake Kakashi_ swore eternal vengeance against this child. Funny coincidence. The child was also the son of a large proponent of the Daimyo's desire to restructure the village. Unfortunately, it seems that little lobby will be seeing some restructuring of its own."

"Hilarious, Lord Hokage, sir."

He met Sarutobi's eyes, amusement reflected in both twinkling orbs. Saru exhaled long and slow.

180.5 seconds.

The Hokage winked.

"Get out of my office Kakashi, and give the other jounin my best."


	27. First Steps V

Kakashi squinted slightly as the sun went down, light shining off of the Hokage monument in grand spectacle, quartz deposits turning the entire mountain into a fractal mirror. It made it quite difficult to see. The rooftop he was standing on overlooked the entrance to the Hokage tower, having hopped up to avoid the crush of gremlins grawping at their new pocket change. That said, he had a feeling he knew what he was being asked to do, and well, sometimes he could help but toss the old man a bone.

 _Boardogbirdmonkeyram_

"Pakkun."

The scruffy little mutt idly scratched himself. "Yo Boss."

Kakashi sighed a little, girding himself while pointedly not looking back. "We need to talk to Asuma."

" _You_ need to talk to Asuma." Pakkun said sharply, his droopy little eyes staring blankly at . " _I_ need do no such thing. _I_ will eat, piss, and shit where I please, and people will pet me for it."

Kakashi sighed. "You _could_ forgive the man, you know."

"I could." Pakkun snuffled, the little drama queen. "But I could also wander past Babaji's and tell her you haven't been feeding me for my troubles."

Kakashi looked pained.

"Two biscuits."

"He's on the playground."

—

Kakashi landed on a thin branch, over a small playstructure off to the side of the academy. Whatever joy it may have brought was long gone however, as the rust-ridden hellpit was now used by the Hyuuga to test reflexes by lobbing the occasional infant at the bars. The bloodstains were a nice touch, admittedly, but not quite so much as the depressed young man swinging sadly alone.

Kakashi sighed, but girded himself for what he need do.

He gently hopped down, deliberately crunching on the gravel, and taking the swing to Asuma's left. He winced a little at he sat, trace condensation making it unpleasant, as was the way the thin plastic folded into his side. The miserable prick to his right, however, reacted not at all, sighing great gusty hurricanes into the dirt.

"S'up Asuma."

"S'up Kakashi." Asuma said mournfully. "Pops sent you, huh."

"He didn't wanna deal with your bitch ass."

Asuma rolled his eyes. "Him and all the civilians. I swear, some old lady attacked me! Me! Just in the streets, screaming about building supplies or some shit!"

"Wow that's fucked up. I dunno, why'd she do that?" Kakashi lied. "That seems simply uncalled for."

"I _know._ But it can't be helped. Had to knock her out. Had to do it."

"True. Couldn't be helped."

"I mean, her wallet fell out then, and I needed to help her, do it wasn't my fault that I accidentally elbowed a guy, right?"

"No, not at all. In fact, you should've gotten real in his face about it."

"I did!" Asuma grinned. "Oh man, I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it turned out the guy was a shoplifter! Oh man, I super lucked out."

"You should have attacked him." Kakashi advised. "Put him down like a dog before he stepped up on you."

"Yeah..." Asuma went quiet. "Yeah." He said finally. "You're right. I don't deserve those coupons."

"Coupons?" That sounded odd.

"Oh yeah." Asuma waved his hands idly. "I got coupons, turns out the guy had secretly been lifting from people for ages. When the old lady got up, turns out she - _get this_ \- owned the market district." Asuma paused. "Well. Rented, anyhow. So her and the shopkeeps offered me some pretty good prices." He sobered. "But you're right, I don't deserve it."

"Give it to someone else." Kakashi said thoughtfully. "Someone brave, heroic, noble, handsome, _nearby_ , like -"

"Kurenai!" Asuma cheered. Visibly perked up, Asuma began gently swinging. "That's a good idea Kakashi. Thanks."

"Maybe you should just die." Kakashi suggested earnestly. "Just do that. It'll be a nice change. For me."

"My hair?" Asuma ruffled it. "Yeah, I was just thinking about that. Ebisu mention it?"

"No, he didn't." Kakashi said, somewhat intrigued despite himself. "What's going on with that?"

"Nah. Nothing really. Just wanted to look good for Kurenai. I mean, just 'cause I'm the best looking guy in the room, _every_ room-" a dull, sucking chuckle, hollower than Asuma's daddy issues, echoed. "-doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to look _better_ for her, yanno?"

"Hold the fuck up." Kakashi crosses his arms. "I don't care _how_ good you think you look, you don't look as cool as Ebisu."

"That's not fair." Asuma objected, somewhat defensively. " _No one_ 's as pimp as Ebisu. He can pull off sunglasses indoors. At _night._ He doesn't count."

"He totally counts." Kakashi said stubbornly.

Asuma narrowed his eyes. "You're just saying that because you bought his nude calendar, and now you wanna defend your purchase," He accused Kakashi guiltily, who refused to blink.

"You did too." Kakashi said, utterly unrepentant.

"For Kurenai." Asuma parried smoothly.

"Kurenai already had one." Kakashi said smugly. "I gave her one myself. Something you'd know if you actually tried to offer her one."

Asuma bit his lip.

"Yeah alright." He admitted. "But only to help him get exposure."

"So that's why it's in your bedroom."

"Yeah exactly." Asuma said, with some relief.

There was a long period of silence as Kakashi slowly digested that.

"Asuma have you considered learning to Dance?"

"Dancing?" Asuma shoot him a slightly confused look out the side of his eye. "Nah, not really my thing."

"That's a shame, I'd love to teach you the Breezy Samba."

"Oh, never heard of that one." Asuma cocked his head.

Kakashi nodded eagerly. "Oh yeah, it's real big. See, first you get some cloth or rope, and tie it into a loop around your neck, and-"

"Oh man, you heard about them neckties?" Asuma chuckled gently. "Man, nothing gets past you Kakashi, shouldn't be surprised you've already heard of the Capital fashion."

"How morbid." Kakashi mused. "And yet oddly pleasing. I should visit."

"You should!" Asuma said. "It's a good place. Lots of..." Asuma's face visibly twisted into sourness. "Yeah, like I was saying, not my thing."

"Too much unpleasantness?" Kakashi asked innocently.

"Nah, it's just-it's-I-I just..." Asuma sighed, slowly looking around. "Kakashi, can you keep a secret?"

"Hard to keep a secret with Lord Hokage watching." Kakashi said. Asuma shook his head grimly. "Nah, he doesn't peek after arguments. He hates facing his fuckups."

Kakashi knew for a _fact_ that the Hokage was watching right now, and also had been watching Asuma for about two hours now, so he had no fucking idea what Asuma was on about.

"Yeh sure, secrets, yeah." Kakashi said halfheartedly. Hopefully the Hokage was aware that Kakashi was aware of the Hokage's awareness, and so wouldn't have him tried for withholding information critical to state.

"I just...I just _really_ hate scarves." Asuma admitted quietly. "They're the symbol of everything wrong with the world. Objects of wealth and unnecessity, of class and high taste. I despise them."

"Scarves." Kakashi repeated. "You hate scarves."

"A scarf killed my brother." Asuma said solemnly.

"Oh?" Kakashi said. "Is that why you went to the capital?"

"My life's work." Asuma puffed up. "I managed to get all scarves socially banned in the capital."

"Shame that won't work here." Kakashi said, amused.

Asuma deflated. "My dear _Lord Hokage_ thought it wise to mention his dad wore one around Konohamaru, And now _he's_ got one too."

"Simply terrible."

"Oh, they _are_ ," Asuma emphasized. His hands tightened around the chain. "I've tried _everything_ to get Konohamaru to give the damn thing up. Everything. Bribery, extortion, assault, threats, bullying, ostracization from his peers, mean names, everything. He just won't give it up. Refused to even trade the scarf for a souvenir. Little bastard, _knows,_ he _knows_ I want that scarf."

"Wait, _that's_ why you offered him a gift from the capital, despite knowing his dad died there?" Kakashi blinked. "Wait, more importantly, you bullied a child and _lost_?"

"No." Asuma said firmly. "I lost to Ebisu."

"Ebisu?" Kakashi frowned. "How is _he_ so tied to this?"

Asuma shrugged. "Ebisu's face has been elevated to a state treasure. He's staying in the village where we can defend it. Not like I could _punch_ him, now that the Hokage decided that the best thing to do with his time was to make him Konohamaru's caretaker."

"That's unfortunate." Kakashi said solemnly. "I suppose that scarf will have to stay worn."

"I won't allow it." Asuma said firmly. "So I called him out."

"You called a child out. To fight you. _Here?_ "

"An honorable duel." Asuma's eyes gleamed. "A totally fair 1v1. It's the _only_ way."

Kakashi threw up his hands. "Just fucking kick him in the head and be done with it. His head's still soft probably."

"Fair duel." Asuma insisted stubbornly.

"You _fucking child_."

The squabbling escalated to a pitch and tone reserved for shopping disputes, and the loud sound of slapping and punching began echoing, until soft footsteps halted all noise at once.

A small child, wobbling slightly from nerves, face pinched and serious, made his way slowly down the street, every passing lamp shining off his sweaty forehead. A large package swung off his back, little shoes squeaking on the hard concrete. Asuma slowly stood, cracking his knuckles and towering over the approaching child.

Konohamaru continued walking slowly up, rubber shoes louder and louder as he strode with a poise quite belieing his age. Eventually he stood below Asuma, looking up defiantly.

Asuma's eyes shown with a terrible ruddy glow, chakra starting to sheet off of him in anticipation. Konohamaru, instead, slowly slid the package off his back and offered it to Asuma. He hesitated for a second, caught off guard, staring, eyes moving rapidly between the hand and the object it held. Slowly, hesitantly, Asuma grabbed the other end of the package, pulling it away, and Konohamaru let go.

It wasn't particularly large, a long and thin rectangular lump that squished somewhat. Asuma tore it open, eyes widening at what he saw.

It was a gap-threaded, loose and faded, gently and poorly colored little scarf. Konohamaru offered Asuma a gap-toothed grin. "Gramps said you were jealous because you never deserved any presents as a child!" He squeaked. "But I think you're pretty cool Uncle Sadly! I made you the present myself so you don't need to drink alone anymore! Don't be jealous of my wicked scarf no more, 'k?"

Asuma looked like he'd violently shit his pants, but tried to screw up his face into a pained smile. That seemed to be good enough for the kid, as Konohamaru slowly skipped away into the dark.

All was quiet.

"You know." Kakashi mused. "Given how much time Konohamaru spent on that scarf, if you try to damage it Sarutobi may sodomize you with Enma's staff."

"Take it off my hands." Asuma whispered hoarsely.

"I hear the staff can stretch infinitely." Kakashi continued thinking out loud.

Asuma whimpered.

"And to think." Kakashi clapped him on the shoulder. "Your life's work will ensure you can never set foot in the Capital again."

"Help me."

Kakashi shrugged. "Dunno man, not much you can do with a scarf. Gotta wrap it around you somewhere."

—-—-—-

"Alright children, today is a special day." Kakashi said pleasantly. "Today, we'll be helping out a good friend of mine. Or maybe not."

"Are you talking about the guy with the turban, Sensei?" Maruichi asked, staring very impolitely at Asuma.

Kakashi laughed. "Nah, fuck him, he's just tagging along. Nah, I meant the Hokage."

The children cheered, Kakashi cheered, Asuma was sad, and nothing of value was lost.


	28. First Steps VI

"Children, this morning, I have a new kind of undercover mission for you, of which the details I have no idea!"

A chorus of groans pelted him, and Kakashi frowned.

"Children." Kakashi said solemnly. "I understand that you've had some qualms about the recent increase in stealth and infiltration missions."

They looked at him somewhat cautiously.

"You see," he continued. "The reason is due to the fact that the trade routes Konoha has opened, has opened the door for peace talks among the nations. Thus, frontline combat is currently being prioritized less over covert infiltration and espionage."

Saeki raised his hand. "But there's no proof right?" He said. "And Konoha's the dominant power, don't we need more frontline combat to ensure that we go into peace talks with the higher hand?"

"No, because it happened literally today. This morning, actually. All thanks to Sensei."

His ungrateful bastard children looked at him skeptically. "You?" Sayo asked dubiously. "You can't even show up to training on time, I doubt you could solve breakfast, let alone another nation."

Kakashi sniffed, injured. "Did Sensei ever tell you about how he solved Suna."

"What do you mean, 'the time', you said it happened this morning."

—

 _The Weekly Jounin Meet-Up (Hokage Tower, 6 a.m., RSVP) was proceeding apace, with everyone who voiced a complaint summarily executed and everyone else pooling money for betting on how many would lie dead at the end. Currently, Jounin Yasukuni and Tokubetsu Hayate were taking it, with Kakashi already out of the running with the previous kill._

 _This was interrupted by the sound of pounding feet, and a messenger actually physically running up the stairs._

 _Everyone stared in shock. This was probably important. The masked and panting man, visibly exhausted by this small feat of physical competency, straggled up to the (bloodied) Hokage's desk. A slight yellowed and thinning sheet of pressed fiber paper, used notably in Waterfall and Sand, was clutched between his fingers. The jounin stared anticipatorily as he entered, rudeness like this usually precluding good fortune on the part of the higher-number wagers, but alas, he passed unmolested to the Hokage's side. A general hail of disappointment peppered the area as the Hokage's wizened hand gently plucked the sheet from the Message-nin's hand, and like a disinterested puppetmaster, did not bother watching the messenger slump to the ground._

 _One second._

 _Two seconds. The sheet of paper ruffled, as the Hokage read deeply from the contents, wrinkles around his eye deepening._

 _Three seconds, the Hokage shut his eyes in thought._

 _Four seconds._

 _The messenger's chest moved._

 _The jounin screamed in disappointment, boos and curses hurled at the prone body. Hayate sighed in relief. There was at least ten thousand ryo in the pile right now. Not much, but enough that he'd hate to see it go._

 _The jounin watched in simmering interest as the Hokage finished reading, and passed the note off to the Jounin Commander seated beside him. Shikaku read quicker than the Hokage, brow rising with every perceived word, before tossing the document onto the Hokage's desk_

 _One hand drifted down and snatched the paper up. The Hokage cleared his throat._

 _ **Dear Mr. Lord Hokage,**_ __

 __ _ **This is the Kazekage speaking. We really appreciate the trade thing you did. In light of that, we would like to inform you that we have been systematically murdering everyone you loved and cared about over the course of a couple decades. Especially your son; our cloth-nin were very proud of that one. Plus, his scarf was stupid, and we burnt it at the stake afterwards for having the gall to strut around with that thing. We also started thinning the forest and murdering your border guards and blaming Iwa. Also, Orochimaru got into contact with us, and we were planning to go to war with you after super-betraying you at some point.**_ __

 _ **But now we see the error of our ways, and we're totes really sorry about that. It won't happen again. Getting into a wartime footing secretly was looking to be a real pain in the ass anyway.**_ __

 _ **Regards,**_ _  
_ _ **The Kazekage**_

 _The Hokage slowly rose to his feet._

 _"EVERYONE!" He roared, and all the jounin snapped to attention, nerves quivering. The Hokage's hands slowly drew past his sides, over his head._

 _"WE SOLVED SUNA!"_

 _A moment of silence, and then raucous cheering exploded over the room._

 _Ibiki maneuvered his facial muscles into something resembling neutrality. "Shame. I was planning to toss Smallpox Blankets in their wells."_

 _"Me and Anko were planning to start ambushing convoys and robbing them." Yasukuni admitted. "Good thing they apologized!"_

 _"Guess it's time to return the prisoners." Inoichi said sadly. "I'll miss them. They had some entertaining shows in their memories."_

 _Jounin cheering and whistling and stamping, continued unabated until the Hokage's hands crossed over his head._

 _"AND NOW," he spoke thunderously. "WE TURN OUR MILITARY MIGHT AGAINST EVERY SINGLE OTHER MILITARIZED AND/OR OCCUPIED NATION IN EXISTENCE."_

 _A long beat._

 _The cheering returned, redoubled, jumping and stamping and screaming and yelling headbands and weapons tossed overhead and falling and failing to kill anyone, people simply losing their minds and screaming hoarse._

 _"I'll just use my plague bombs on Iwa instead!" Ibiki said, genuinely happy._

 _"More prisoners!" Inoichi cheered._

 _A Jounin voice spoke up from the back. "I heard other nations field Desk-Chuunin."_

 _Loud, mocking laughter. "Those nerds?" "They must be pressed for troops." "Or desperate." "Or sad." "Probably sad." "Who knows." "Shikaku probably." "You think?" "What else do we pay him for?" "You pay him to tell your wife where you've been for the last eight hours." "Not home, that's for sure." "Just like the Desk Chuunin." "Motherfucker, you call me a Desk Chuunin? How fucking dare you." "Thirty generations my family has refused to do paperwork. How about yours, Mr. Printer." "Making paper is a noble tradition!" "You sound like a real B-Y-U-R-O-C-R-A-T, you know that."_

 _"Actually," Shikaku said. "No other nation has invented Desk-chuunin. Or bureaucracy for that matter. They just field all their nin."_

 _"That is correct." Sarutobi said. "No other nation has discovered the awesome might of forcing the dregs and losers to do all your paperwork for you. In fact, if you come across a Jounin or Chuunin that dies in seconds, they would probably be a potential candidate."_

 _Redoubled laughter, and it was with a hint of a smile that Sarutobi pacified them. "Now, now, they too are part of our village, and thus share the burden of defending it with us. They who cannot fight contribute at home, with the logistics and paperwork and dumb bullshit no one else is paid to deal with, and thus, are part of the Will of Fire." He paused. "Even if they are the kindling, than the flame."_

 _Cheering and laughter continued for some time yet._

 _The Hokage slowly sat back down, one hand rising. "Everyone."_

 _Quiet._

 _Instant quiet._

 _"This was not immediate." He coughed. "This was a process that was set into motion by Shikaku. However, we must give thanks to the man that allowed all this to happen. The one who tipped us off, and showed us a potential weakness. That's right."_

 _The hand swung down and pointed into the crowd._

 _"Hatake Kakashi did Suna."_

 _Dead fucking silence, except for a lone silver broom-head scarecrow doing a quiet two-step jig by himself._

 _Baleful glares began sprouting._

 _The Hokage and Shikaku leaned sideways at each other._

 _"The jounin have a running bet going." Shikaku whispered quietly from the corner of his mouth. "About who's gonna singlehandedly save the world and solve war." He sucked a quiet breath in. "Kakashi just pulled ahead."_

 _The Hokage's lips pressed together, stifling laughter._

 _"Shame."_

 _—_

 _"We who are the kindling of Konoha are oppressed." A thin, reedy voice spoke in the dark, crowded room. "True, we are weak, but we are not useless! Twigs for the flame we may be, but even sticks bound together may break the backs of our enemies. A tonne of steel and a tonne of tax exemption filings will crush them to death all the same!"_

 _"BOSS!" A voice screamed, tearing the door slightly open in panic. "SUNA'S BEEN SOLVED!"_

 _Screams of fear and horror resounded in the crowded room, lit only by the light beyond the door held open. A thin man, the one speaking earlier, lifted hands half-lit._

 _"Calm, my friends." He said nasally. "Bring the spreadsheets and double-marked logistics, the bankbooks and the notaries, the tax forms and the trade logs."_

 _He squeezed a peanut between his fingers and failed to split it._

 _"Konoha may have earned respite from Troop Allocation Forms and Munition Development in the Eastern District, but our war has only begun."_

 _"But my Lord!" A voice cried out. "The C.T.F.W.S.I.A.F.R.M (Committee To Fuck With Suna In A Fiscally Responsible Manner) still holds majority sway in the R &D Budget allocations!"_

 _"Yes, I am aware." He held up his hands, and swept it over the crowd, calming them with movements calculated to stimulate the hindbrain with relaxing, therapeutic signals. "I am well aware that the CTFWSIAFRM have great power currently. However! The C.T.G.K.A. (Coalition To Give Kumo And Iwa AIDS) has been growing in influence! Their tireless lobbying for research into pointless viral infection vectors has drained funds from the CTFWSIAFRM, and they have slowly begun lagging behind! Already, I have begun speaking with the messenger-nin, and their delivery forms have begun coming in late! By two minutes, no less, by which time their submissions have fallen behind by at least 40 forms! A noticeable lack of 'interest' in their part, that will bear fruit over the coming decades as their power wanes."_

 _A fist was thrust to the sky. "And that is when we shall strike! We, the G-B.M.S.O.P.T.W.T.S.H (Grant-Based Meritorious Service Of People That Want To Stay Home) will erase these foreign...agitators, and at last we will be free to actually go home! We will have holidays! Minimum wage! Beds and homes!"_

 _The cheering resounded, loud and clear as a Clarion, until someone screamed "NINJA GOING DOWN THE STAIRS!"_

 _The cheering continued apace, of course, but very quietly, and very, very politely._

—-

Asuma raised his hand, slowly. "It's true. I seen it." Asuma admitted. "It happened like two hours ago."

The children huddled together.

" _Who the fuck's the scarf guy_." Saeki hissed, looking out of the huddle at the two jounin speculatively.

"Well," Sayo said slowly. "Most jounin, when they show up with sensei, are kinda nutty, enthusiastic, and very eager to show off. This guy isn't. He's probably a Chuunin. Maybe an intern or something."

"Could be a Desk Chuunin." Maruichi said speculatively.

Saeki shook his head. "He's got beefy hands and scars in the wrong places." He said quietly. "Calluses on his palm instead of his fingers."

Sayo snorted. "That's pathetic. Chuunin at his age? That's really sad. Sadder than Saeki's training habits."

Saeki whined. "Why? Why did you even need that barb?"

She shot him a dirty look. "Because you suck, and you drag me down." She said scathingly. Saeki quivered a little, not meeting her eyes.

" 's early." He said quietly. "Gotta take m' little bro to the Academy."

" _Then train at home before you sleep_." She spat.

He shrunk in on himself. "But I'm tired." He defended weakly.

One arm shot out like the judgement of god, finger pointed squarely at Kakashi's heart. "You wanna end up like Sensei?" She demanded. "Useless and alone and a _liar_?"

He shrunk back, face pale and shaking side to side quickly.

"Good." She said roughly. "Then _train_. You know who I _don't_ see training?"

Maruichi pushed up his glasses. "Sensei."

"That's right." Sayo said. "Sensei."

"I can hear you, you know." Kakashi said, somewhat hurt.

"Man, your children are _assholes_." Asuma said grumpily.

"I don't wanna end up like Sensei." Saeki squeaked.

Sayo's eyes flashed. " _Good_."

"Alright, fuck this, manual labor for everyone after your daily beating." Kakashi said.

"You're not even _calling_ it sparring anymore." Saeki whined.

-

"Why are we here?" Sayo murmured.

"I don't know." Maruichi replied.

"Kakashi, restrain your gremlins." Ebisu commanded, and the children went silent.

Asuma raised his hand, and Ebisu pointed at him.

"Why are we all on our knees?" Asuma asked.

"You will show respect to the Hokage's bloodline." Ebisu said calmly. The six of them were in _seiza_ in a circle, sitting on the cold dirt. Under the shadow of the Hokage tower, with every _single_ passerby laughing mockingly behind their fists. Genma and Hayate had actually roped them off and appeared to be selling tickets to "Jounin publically debasing themselves." The Hokage, frustratingly, appeared to have set up the D-Rank mission table _inside_ the roped off area, forcing everyone who wanted a mission to not only pay, but also watch Kakashi grit his teeth and sit below a stack of eight boxes, upon which perched Konohamaru.

"Gramps, Uncle Sadly's wearing my scarf!" He yelled at the distant table.

"You get a second Christmas present!" Came the distant reply.

"Hold on, something's wrong here." Asuma held up his hands to forestall further speech. "Aren't _I_ also of the Hokage's blood?"

Ebisu shot him a filthy look, as an old, hacking laugh began bouncing off the walls from the distance.

Asuma put his hands down quietly.

Kakashi raised a hand. "Why am _I_ here."

"Because you're the best." Konohamaru piped up authoritatively. "I heard you did Suna."

Kakashi visibly preened, to the open disgust of his students. "I guess it can't be helped then."

"Right." Ebisu clapped, legs still folded under him, expressing no discomfort at all. "So, now we come to the point of today."

Konohamaru spoke up. "I wanna leave and make friends!"

Ebisu pushed up his trademark EbiGear Sunglasses. "I think he should stay and train."

Both turned to Kakashi.

"" **You choose**.""

The hacking cough abruptly cut off, and a deeply ominous feeling came over Kakashi from that Mission Desk.

Uh-oh


	29. First Steps VII

_Think think think think think Kakashi think think think think think think think think think_

 _Right_

Ebisu sat, tall and dour in a smooth black jumpsuit he'd stolen from Gai and illegally dyed. Firm and dogmatically driven by his ceaseless need for perfection, the man cut a dapper figure with speckless sunglasses shining irritatingly in the dappled sunlight, and a toned figure he ceaselessly worked to improve. Ebisu would not be swayed, Kakashi knew, because he was a _stubborn jackass_ and didn't generally give a shit about what other people thought.

No hope there.

 _Left_

Konohamaru swung his feet atop a pile of six boxes, mismatched outfit violently clashing and oversized blue scarf threatening to blow away in the wind. Interestingly enough, he seemed to already know some chakra tricks, as Kakashi caught the telltale glow of Mu Radiation from the chakra wastage. From his _neck_ , not bad. It seemed Sarutobi was making more of an effort with this one; that and Ebisu's ineluctable backhand. So they'd gotten to him early, big fucking deal, he was still what? Four? Kakashi had graduated by Five. He didn't even make _friends_ until he was, what...Eight? Nine?

 _Fuck_

He wasn't bitter, no, he wasn't, certainly not so _why_ did he need to help some little bastard make friends.

 _"_ _Class!" Shinomiya-Sensei clapped her hands. "This is Kakashi!" She bumped Kakashi a little with her hands, forcing him reluctantly forwards. She smiled at the boys. "He's very young and quite lonely, so please make friends with him!"_

 _The male half of the class stared at him. One of the ones sitting in the back raised his hand, and Sensei pointed at him, smiling a little wider. Pleased._

 _The boy stood up, clearing his throat, wavy hair parted and slightly plain face shining with sweat from the balmy Konoha summer. He had a polite smile on his face, the kind you give strangers you want to like you._

 _"Fuck you, Kakashi."_

 _The teacher froze, the girls giggled, the boys smirked and quietly cheered, and Kakashi swore that the little fuck would be the first to go. The dark-haired boy, Hayate his name by later introduction, smirked._

He looked at the child again balefully. Chubby with infancy yet close behind him, Konohamaru was soft in a way no ninja would ever be even a year later. Rosacea ruddied his cheeks and hair yet soft with his mother's love was erupting from his scalp. He was pale, the harsh shallowness associated with long hours in a home, far away from most other people.

Shit, he already knew who he was more likely to help, but the burning eye of God over in the corner was making him think twice.

Yeah, he didn't have a choice right now.

Kakashi leaned back, sighing and cracking his neck, before he violently tightened his abs. The rapid compression loosened the knit tightness of his shirt, allowing it to billow free for a moment, and allowing a certain book to fall loose from where he'd hid a spare copy near his collar. It flapped open, falling gently, and for a moment he felt the full force of Sarutobi's attention redirect to the words across the page. He knew what they said by heart.

 _"_ _Oh Michiru," he whispered gently, feeling the gentle caress of her finger slide against his thigh. "You really do spoil me too much. Far, far too much."_

 _"My Lord." She whispered gently, hand moving up, up, up higher. "Oh, oh, oh, I treat you-_

 _As you deserve to be treated, my Lord_ Kakashi chanted in his head, somewhat morbidly, and quicker than the lightning he'd caught he flipped up his headband.

His Sharingan whirled to life.

The sharingan was simultaneously a marvel of biological engineering, and also somewhat utterly useless in most roles it had been put to. The primary function that everyone knew it for, the most famous use, was simply Kinetic Vision taken to an extreme. Hyperfocus on movement to the degree that it ground time itself to a shuddering standstill.

But it was something you could train. Gai had done it, and Ebisu was close. Sarutobi and Minato has surpassed it, dynamic vision taken even further to realms he could barely comprehend. It was a crutch, the Sharingan, a shortcut to greatness that could allow even a talented Genin to fight on par with a Chuunin with ease.

But only on par. Any Jounin could copy handseals, and most had reflexes even faster than the clearness of sight the sharingan provided.

The reason it was famed was more subtle, and twofold. The first, was the fact that the sharingan's additional nerves were tied to the memory cortex, the deeper nerves tied to weightage and association.

Put simply, it provided a way to remember anything flawlessly. On paper at least. In truth, all it did was ensure that every instant captured with the spinning eye was weighted far more heavily than usual, and thus the slightest desire could bring it up. But what did that mean? Memory faded naturally, but it wasn't like people ever _truly_ forgot anything; it was simply inaccessible. It was the chains of association, of like calling to like that drew memory from the depths. But if these were to be tampered with? People occasionally commented that remembering the humiliations you experienced with the eye forever was a curse, but it was _so much worse than that_. _Any_ memory would draw flawless association, _anything_ seen causing an avalanche of association bringing down _every memory you could loosely connect in any possible way_ crashing down upon your head. Smell, taste, touch, pain, vertigo, emotional resonance, even temperature. The slightest humiliation became a movie of your combat failures; _combat_ because the Uchiha had learned quickly enough to only use the eye when _combat_ was a necessity. The eye was a damned pox, and the very first thing he'd seen was Obito's dying face. And now, well...

The hero's grave? Dead face. Ramen? Dead face. The Hokage tower? Minato, Ninetails, Naruto, thousands dead, Dead face. Having a conversation? Dead face. Seeing a genin? Obito's Dead face. Thunderstorm? Catching lightning, murder, murder, murder, a thousand jutsu learned, thousands more dead, and then dead face anyway. Sounds of Bark? Pakkun, friends, Obito's Dead face. Paperwork? Dead face. Desk chuunin? Murder. Maybe dead face, it was a tossup. Making food, Rin's dead face, heyo. Hospital? Rin's dead face, Obito's Dead face. Constipation? Irritation, Obito's Dead face, Rin's dead face.

Every. Single. _Conceivable._ Association.

At some point, he'd just stopped needing to visit the grave at all. He just had to stub his fucking toe and Obito's deadass features showed up in bloody technicolor.

And to think, people just didn't really seem get why the Uchiha were so fucked up. What was wrong with remembering something forever? It was so convenient. It was all there, easy remembering forever. Fuck. There was a good reason the bastards hadn't even bothered taking Obito's Sharingan; they'd _laughed_ and said having it was punishment enough. And it was. He couldn't _turn it off_. They knew he would _never_ be able to inflict another with the damned thing, and that seemed to settle that.

Well, it was a good thing it had another, _really good_ use, or he'd have just torn it out and enshrined it.

It was the world's best Genjutsu tool.

Kakashi began focusing. He didn't quite have the talent for this, per se, but it was good enough. Thread after thread slid into prone minds, tickling hardly a nerve. Had Sarutobi and Ebisu been paying attention they would have realized that Kakashi, lacking the skill, had jiggered their optical cortex in his struggle to not alert them, the feedback from his intrusion showing as great jagged strikes of lightning reaching up from the earth. But they had no eye for it, and wouldn't for a time longer. The threads infiltrated deeper, dancing further and further in, until Kakashi had reached the nerve cluster he needed.

The tomoe on the Sharingan were said to each hold the souls of the men they captured, and for Kakashi, it certainly felt like one of his Tomoe was spinning for Sarutobi, and another for Ebisu.

The third was a lonely fuck, so Kakashi supposed it was spinning for himself.

How sad, Kakashi.

Nevertheless, he had them, right where he needed. Slowly, he took a deep breath, and wove. Thread after thread, sense after sense, layered and patterned.

Kakashi wove a vision of beauty, a feat of Gengineering that nearly brought him to tears, playing nerves like a kazoo solo on stage, to bring to life a dream come true.

In Sarutobi and Ebisu's captive eyes, the world slowed down, and the page they saw and read and reread eagerly... _turned_. Struck dumb, they read the words on the turned page Kakashi had manifested from memory in a flash, waiting for... _yes, the page turned again_. They would not, could not turn away as Icha Icha simply read itself to them, page by page, one after another, their _investment_ in the prose dripping from their noses.

Kakashi nearly shed a tear. He had not, had never used the Sharingan to read his precious Icha Icha. He had memorized it the hard way, reading and rereading it until the words had burned themselves into his _soul_.

It was a labor of _love_.

Kakashi slowly stood, grabbed Konohamaru by the stupid scarf, and tiptoed away as his children watched, dumbstruck and somewhat terrified of their open-eyes fascination with the fallen book.

—-

"Now, Konohamaru." Kakashi lectured, standing bravely on the wooden posts in his beloved training ground. He slowly readjusted the headband over his left eye again; it took a bit every time to get comfortable with the binding. "You can go try to make friends. But _how_. How do you make friends."

"You give them what they want." Konohamaru said confidently.

"Correct." Kakashi snapped his fingers. "How do you plan to do this."

Konohamaru opened his mouth, before slowly closing it, brows furrowing fiercely.

Kakashi sighed.

"Do you want the answer?"

"No!" He shouted angrily. "No! I can do it!"

—

"Pay them?"

Kakashi raised a brow. "You're gonna pay them to tell them what they like, then give it to them? That's not friendship, that's more like hiring them."

"To be honest, that sounds convenient."

"You don't need to pay friends though." Kakashi coaxed gently. "You can make them do things for you for _free._ "

Konohamaru nibbled his lip thoughtfully.

—

"Ask their families."

Kakashi laughed. "Fuck their families. Families are assholes."

Konohamaru conceded this.

—

"Talk to them and get to know them?"

"Like a _peasant_?"

—

"Alright," Konohamaru said finally, grumpily. "Fine. Tell me."

Kakashi yawned and put away his book.

"Easy," He said lazily. "Take what you want. Stalk them." His eye twinkled. "Like a ninja."

Konohamaru was hooked. "That's a _great idea._ "

"Sure is." Kakashi said affably. "Just remember to do the paperwork."

Konohamaru turned back around, startled. " _What_."

"Yep." Kakashi popped it, smugly reclining. "Do it. Plan of strategy, likes and dislikes, counterstrategy."

His mouth opened.

"No desk-chuunin." Kakashi cut him off smoothly. "Do it yourself."

Konohamaru shut his mouth fuming, and stomped away.

"Have it in this week!" Kakashi called out lazily. "Gotta have the Lord Hokage's permission to implement a mission!"

A passing bird behind his back, and he was gone.

Kakashi nearly stood up to throw something, but an ugly, calloused, gnarled hand pressed down firmly on his shoulder, and sat him back down.

Ah, _shit._


	30. Interlude: History in the Making

_Once upon a time, there was a land name-_

 _Oh, alright, but this is important. You wanted an answer, so let me give it to you. Not like I have much of a choice here. Don't expect much in the way of accuracy from me either, this is all secondhand._

 _Like I was saying, this land was called the Elemental nations, and it was a great big shithole filled with aggressively stupid barbarians. These barbarians took great pleasure in beating each other to death with rocks and sticks, and so arms, armor and war was born._

 _And then nothing else of value was discovered for a bit as these filthy barbarians perfected their new toy._

 _600 years later the barbarians discovered clothes, and with them they learned how to distinguish individuals and so they began grouping into-_

 _Oh al_ _ **right**_ _, god, you're so_ _ **needy**_ _._

 _Anyway, so families, families became groups, groups became gangs, gangs became organizations, organizations became corporate enclosures, and then they reached their final evolution of warring clans._

 _And war they did, against everything and anything._ _ **Especially**_ _each other. Couldn't get enough of it. Eventually some succeeded and some didn't. The losers threw hissy fits and gave up, eventually inventing money. Through this they invented economics, which is the art of making people give you as much of their money for as little as possible, and politics, which is the art of making people give you their money and civil liberties for nothing at all. And thus they became fabulously wealthy and began ruling and dominating the lands, accruing power and property by the fistful, inventing the commons simply so no one could tell they were being screwed. These go-getters became the Daimyo._

 _The winners, of course, continued murdering each other, but on the Daimyo's dime and request so that the Daimyo could seize_ _ **more**_ _money and_ _ **more**_ _power._

 _The clans, presumably, got to feel like big, big boys._

 _Anyway, so the Winning Clans continued beating each other to death, and eventually the Winning Winner Clans rose to the top. The Losing Winner clans became nobles, and then merchants, and then peasants, depending on when they decided to gave up and how much they'd kissed the Daimyo's ass prior to doing so._

 _Mostly the latter._

 _These laid the later foundations of the Nations, but no one really figured that out yet._

 _Anyway, even among the Winning Winners, there were Winning Winning Winners._

 _These were the Uchiha Clan, massive and settled, having cultivated and trained in their legendary doujutsu._

 _And the Senju clan, nomadic and comparatively smaller in number, but each one a beastly force all the same due to their inborn affinity for chakra._

 _Oh, they warred, and_ _ **how**_ _._

 _Good times were had all around._

 _Eventually, they got tired of this shit, and decided to settle up. The Uchiha, however, decided that was stupid to do as is and cheated, and so Madara invented an entirely new level of the already ridiculous Mangekyo Sharingan and they beat the Senju down like particularly dim toadstools._

 _Hashirama, I hear, was a match and more, but the Uchiha had numbers and one man does not an army make. Even for Hashirama Senju._

 _So Hashirama, blinkered little kumquat that he was, decided like called to like and gathered together all the other losers and assorted pisants, banding them together under the Senju name._

 _And then shit happened, but only three people really matter here._

 _Madara found himself losing again, so he hunted down the greatest calamity of the nations, the roving disaster of the Battlefield, and sundered it, binding it to his will and eye. And so he rode the fucking ninetails into battle, and Hashirama himself offered Madara some polite applause for the balls._

 _Then there was Tobirama, the needy one. The eternal second place, especially in Daddy's heart. He led the charge on the ground a lot, to be fair, so he watched a lot of his clansmen die._

 _Like, a lot. A lot a lot. Like, wow, the Uchiha and Senju REALLY didn't like each other._

 _Anyway, so he saw all the carnage, and decided to blame the Uchiha for it all. Forget that the nature of their doujutsu lends itself to horrible mental trauma, forget that while time wore away the details in his mind it did no such thing for the Uchiha, forget the nature of conflict and suffering, forget the blames, the false hopes and dashes desires, forget ALL that TRASH. Nah. Uchiha did it. Fuck 'em, he said._

 _What a charmer._

 _And last, and certainly and somehow indeed the least, despite being the lynchpin for it all, poor poor Hashirama. The man that only wanted the best for everyone, who saw past the suffering and trauma and put out a hand that his ol' buddy Madara could reach, who saw hope for a land of peace and plenty; this poor fuckin' screwball fucked it all up for everyone forever, through absolutely no fault of his own._

 _Oh, he meant well, everyone can acknowledge that. He and Madara put it all aside, and founded a village. A village! A real fuckin' ninja village! He put Konoha, and Fire Country on the map. 'Course it was Madara and Sasuke that cut the deal with the Daimyo that really made the country we know and despise come to be._

 _Sorry, what's that? Oh yeah, no that's Sarutobi, not Uchiha. Sasuke Sarutobi and Madara Uchiha. They called him the human olive branch, 'cause he was the guy that worked out all the shit with the Uchiha learning to fit in. Who else were they gonna leave it to, Tobirama? Yeah right. No, Sasuke seemed like the right guy for the job. The Last Uchiha's namesake, yeah. The last shot._

 _At what?_

 _Well, I'll get to that. We've got another 50 years and change to go yet._

 _Anyway, so they make the village. It's real nice, right? Hashirama built the houses and a forest to conceal it, so that they could be safe for generations to come. Madara built the library, hashed out the laws and built the various departments that would work in conjunction to support Konoha. Tracking, T &I, Hunters (the Sharingan made this a high priority), Security, all that good stuff. The stuff of legends._

 _Tobirama invented school. And bullying._

 _Ah, I'm being less than generous. School was a novel invention at the time, a chance for anyone to receive the education previously sequestered away by clans of pureblooded shinobi. Or it was supposed to, at any rate. By chance or circumstance, didn't quite end up working out that way. Besides, bullying builds character. It's fine, whatever._

 _Anyway, so the village was lookin' good. Everyone was settling in, things were looking up. Remember, the village was half Uchiha, and half Senju_ _ **Alliance**_ _. The Uchiha were the only ones really settled in, the rest were wandering rock-breakers. It was a bit of an adjustment I'm told, the great sedentarianism of an entire generation going to seed in the space of half a decade. Quite the spectacle. The record high was half a dozen midlife crises simultaneously springing to life if the records speak truth. The Konoha District of Red Lanterns sprung into existence over a single month half a year into Konoha's lifespan, and was promptly made illegal not a week later._

 _But I'm getting ahead of myself again. Now, the village had come together, but it lacked the bow on top. Literal spit and prayers glued that fragile mesh. You know what I mean._

 _Konoha needed a Leader._

 _They made a festival of it. Come one come all, who do you want as a leader? Surprise, surprise, Hashirama took it, and Madara, bitter and sad at his loss, took off. That's the story right?_

 _Well, no. It's not. Not even close. That's what we call, "revisionist history", a relatively new term for a very very old concept, that being that the winner burns all the losers paperwork and books and replaces it with their own. In triplicate, if they're extra bitter. Do it long enough and you get marvels like Iwa destroying and rebuilding Kumo better than the locals ever did, six and a half years before either would even come to exist, on the orders of a Daimyo who hadn't even been born yet._

 _Fine, fine, I can't help it, total truth remember?_

 _Do I? Well, I'm flattered you think so. Calmness is my best trait, that and my gorgeous good looks. Runs in the blood, see?_

 _See what I did there? That was a joke. You could stand to learn a few, you know._

 _Okay, okay, alright, take it easy. Where was I? Oh right, Madara._

 _Now, Madara and Hashirama had been working on Konoha for quite some time. It was their baby. It was a labor of love, the likes of which we may never quite see again. Unfortunately, people aren't an institution, so much as an institution is borne of the people. And oh, what people._

 _Or person._

 _I'm talking about Tobirama, of course._

 _Dear Tobirama had_ _ **not**_ _backed down from his grudge, quite the opposite as you will come to see. No, he had been working quite hard indeed. As second in command of the Senju Clan, and premier developer of Seals and Jutsu, he was widely, and rightfully, acknowledged as a genius. He did things with seals the world had never seen. The influence he wielded can not be underestimated. He may have backed his brother, but he had never bought into his dream. Tobirama had plans of his own, and he put them into action over the years Konoha was forming. Slowly, clan by clan, Tobirama went around, and spoke quietly into the ears of every single person he could find._

 _The Uchiha are safe, he whispered. You toiled under the Senju for decades and I was proud to call you my sibling in arms. We fought and bled together. And yet it is the Uchiha, the bloodletters, the_ _ **enemy**_ _, that enjoys higher standing in Hashirama's eyes. Look! See Madara, standing at the helm of the lawgivers! Look! Look! See Madara whisper his poison in Hashirama, our dear leader's ears, and sway him, buy favor for his own clan. It is not Hashirama's fault, for he means well, it is the_ _ **Uchiha**_ _that are the poison._

 _And to this end, Tobirama completed two masterstrokes._

 _First, he sectioned off part of Konoha, and granted it to the Uchiha Clan, to give them "equal standing in the village". Second, he billed the creation of the Ninja Police, and granted it to the Uchiha, that they may watch over the village and ensure the promise made to them by the Senju was upheld. Poor Hashirama, played the fool, believed in his family and trusted Tobirama meant well. He believed these were for the sake of his friend, to allow him to grow comfortable without worry._

 _The Uchiha, proud and strong, took the offer of implicit power over the village at face value, offerings to their strength that the village may be made equal._

 _Well. Almost all of them, at any rate._

 _Madara smelled a rat. He knew Tobirama, knew the little weasel was up to something. Tobirama had argued the loudest against the equality of the clans; his argument subsiding was a warning sign Madara knew to look out for. But he knew not what to look for, not until many years later and he could see the writing on the wall._

 _When he stood and watched Hashirama elected unanimously First Hokage by the village._

 _The_ _ **whole**_ _village._

 _He saw it, saw Tobirama's creeping hand behind the plot, saw the fruition of the plan for what it was, while he and Hashirama had been blinded by hope. The Uchiha, pacified by the concessions offered, would wield it with impunity, strictly and bravely. And no matter how honest they were, no matter how fair they tried to be, they would suffer for it, the resentment building as the Senju would see the police's actions as implicitly favoring the Uchiha. 'Oh, the Uchiha fined me for this, but I saw an Uchiha get away with the same thing. It's unfair!'_

 _It's unfair. True or not, it was the first crack in the mortar._

 _But that wouldn't amount to much. No, what would sell it was the distant walled-off compound. Distant and fearful, the Uchiha would become pariahs. Leashed beasts. And with the election of a Senju Hokage, the Uchiha could never recover. They would be slowly marginalized. Tobirama ensured that he chose only Senju students, and Hashirama would have no choice but to do the same for his precious children. There would be no Uchiha Hokage, not now, not ever._

 _The Clan was finished; decades from then, when the Uchiha had mixed with the village so completely that no man would be able to truly claim the name, the Uchiha Clan would truly be dead and Tobirama's revenge would be complete. There was no room for them in Konoha._

 _Terrified and angered, Madara swooped down on the Uchiha Clan, warning them in a fearful voice of the fate soon to befall them, but they had no ear for him. Tobirama's plan had been complete years before Madara had ever noticed. They decried him, calling him a madman and a warmonger, and Madara fled._

 _Hashirama chased him, of course, how could he not? His dearest friend, abandoning their dream on the eve of its completion? Surely something was wrong? And it was, it was, but there were no words for it. Madara was beyond fury, beyond despair, and his demands were too high for Hashirama to accept._

 _The Valley of the End stands testament to that._

 _Time passed after that, Hashirama ruled..._

 _Well. He ruled. Made some_ _ **decisions**_ _that, well. Maybe not the best, in hindsight, or even at the time really. Unfortunate, but hey, he meant well. He really did._

 _Tobirama was Hokage after that. And he didn't do much, didn't really need to. Everything was moving just as he wanted. He had two students, one who became Hokage, and one who didn't. They bought his tripe, to greater and lesser degrees. Danzo bought that shit wholesale. Hiruzen, well, he was no one's fool. He knew something was up, and after Tobirama's passing, eased a lot of the pressure Tobirama had secretly been putting on the Uchiha. He could tell something was up, but couldn't quite shake it. Too little, too late sadly. The Third had come and gone, Minato was to be Fourth, and the Uchiha finally managed to rub two neurons together long enough to realize that something was up. Something...wasn't quite_ _ **right**_ _about this. Where were the Uchiha statesmen, the Uchiha councilors, the Uchiha (god forbid)_ _ **Hokage**_ _they assumed inevitable? That was weird. Hm._

 _Well, time went on, and then the thing happened. You know the thing._

 _The Kyuubi, of course._

 _Fucked everything up, didn't it? Yeah, I was proud of that one. I helped, of course, but the results, well._

 _It was inevitable._

 _It came together like glass dominoes. The suspicions and tensions hit a subtle boiling point, simmering below the surface. Who hadn't heard an Uchiha crow of the potential of their bloodline? Who hadn't caught rumor of their attempts at further relevance? No one missed that it was Minato who had died. Where were they, the Uchiha, when this happened? Some say they fought, but some would also say they didn't, that they stayed hidden, conserving their numbers._

 _Or worse._

 _The truth was there, of course, the Uchiha had fought as brave as the rest. They wanted to believe in the dream more than anyone._

 _By perhaps, not as hard as they could have. Resentment builds both ways, after all._

 _But who can say the truth? Not I, certainly._

 _And yet, there the Uchiha were. Forced to acknowledge the terrible, terrible truth, even as the village crumbles below their feet. They had been set up to fail, so long ago some among their elders had yet to draw blood._

 _They had no choice; a demon named Madara had whispered in their ears of revolution and freedom._

 _Sasuke was, perhaps, named on a whim by his mother, dear Mikoto, a parting farewell and a mark of resolve._

 _And, perhaps, a last attempt to sway his father from the path he had chosen._

 _I think you can guess what happened there._

 _It was in this time that Itachi and Sasuke lived. Peaceful on the surface, even as the water below the ice boiled. Sasuke was blind to the issue, and his brother fought to keep it that way. Tensions were growing, and Itachi was at the forefront. Youngest ANBU in history with a flawless record, he should have been the big breakthrough, the celebrated hero._

 _But he wasn't. Whatever it was the Uchiha saw, it wasn't enough. Not enough to turn them away from bloodshed, whatever they saw must have frightened them a great deal._

 _But Hiruzen, as I said earlier, was no man's fool. He could smell it in the air, feel it in the pulse of the village. The man who had outlived war in every conceivable form to date, knew what battle felt like, knew the steel tension like he knew the ink on his hands._

 _Hiruzen and Danzo, and some other nobodies got Itachi, poor, loyal Itachi to spill the beans._

 _Wait, hold on, lemme explain. This is important. You see, Itachi, when the Kyuubi attacked, realized that war sucked. He didn't like it._

 _You know what he did like, though?_

 _Konoha._

 _He really, really liked Konoha. Loved it. Fiercely loyal this man was, he didn't particularly care for the Uchiha Clan's brand of bullshit. Fact, had he known of Tobirama's little plan, he'd probably have no problem with that. Merging completely with the village would be Itachi's A-Gameplan for the Uchiha._

 _So Itachi spilled, and then the game was afoot. Or should I say, over._

 _The game was over the second the Hokage and his pet Warhawk knew._

 _And then Itachi was ordered to wipe clean the Uchiha threat._

 _Sure, some things happened in between, something to do with some kid named Shisui or something, I dunno. I don't remember._

 _Anyway somehow, at some point, Itachi got the Mangekyo._

 _And then he needed to kill the rest of his clan. Easy, right?_

 _Well, maybe for_ _ **you**_ _, but the rest of us -heh- mortals, it wasn't. Isn't. Anyway, he needed help, I offered it, and we had a jolly old romp, him and I. I mean, yeah, there was more to it or something, but whatever man. Job got done._

 _Almost._

 _He couldn't finish it, Itachi. See, he got the idea this was necessary. The Uchiha were fucking crazy; it's what made them such good warriors. And Itachi was smart enough to tell just how bad it could get. Open war in the village would be the end of Konoha, and the hatred against the Uchiha was too deep, too entrenched. Oh he tried, oh, how he tried. But how can you undo that much blood and history, so much_ _ **hatred**_ _?_

 _But, he still couldn't go through with it. Itachi realized that he really did have something he cared about more than the village. Or maybe he knew all along. I dunno, you can ask him._

 _But regardless, he cooked up a plan to fix it._

 _You see, there's a certain kind of story real popular with the youth. Heroes and villains. Hero triumphs over the villain, and returns to uproarious adulation. Maybe killing his parents got him in a childish mood, but that's the idea he had. Not a bad one, if I'm being honest, but I wonder what his rush was? Well, I say that, but since you're forcing me to be honest I can tell you that it was probably me he was scared of. Ungrateful, right?_

 _But yeah. Sasuke was the hero, and if he was a hero, then perhaps the cycle would be broken. One Uchiha would find a home where a clan could not. He would be admired for his loyalty, strength and dedication. His morality would be beyond reproach, and his steadfastness proven beyond all reasonable doubt._

 _History, washed away with blood. The Uchiha Clan would live on._

 _But for that, he would need a villain. Not only one who could kill as necessary. One who could die as necessary._

 _And really, there was only one option for that. Perhaps he even saw it as a vindication of sorts. His brother, putting him to peace. His bloody hands put to rest, and his body the lodestone for peace. Probably appealed to the sick fuck, somehow._

 _But, he had to sell it. He had to sell it_ _ **hard**_ _. It needed to be airtight. Beyond reproach, beyond question._

 _So he tortured his brother, to the point of insanity, with his own hands. Better alive and crazy, I guess._

 _And then I fucked off on my merry way, and Itachi cleaned up. From what I put together, he threatened to reveal the truth of what had happened if Sasuke should ever be harmed. Sarutobi, soft-hearted as he was, probably agreed on the spot, and Danzo went along with it since having the truth revealed would be a big goddamn issue for him too._

 _I think they could tell, even at that point, what Itachi had planned. Call me sentimental, but I'd like to picture Sarutobi giving Itachi his blessing. One of those images you can't help but hope might be real. Just...feels good, you know?_

 _I mean, yeah, fuck 'em, but sometimes, you can't help but miss the toys you've broken or plan to break, no matter how many times the little bastard bled you._

 _Anyway, that's all I remember. Not the most accurate, maybe. Might've fudged some dates, forgotten some things, rearranged a bit, but who cares? That's the gist._

 _Poor, poor Hashirama. He really, really did mean well. Shame, about that._

 _Truth? Well, there's about as much truth in what I said as there is in that fuckin' name of yours._

 _Is that right? Well that's settled then, isn't it Pein?_

—

"Something about that smug expression irks me." Pein slowly mused.

"Not like I can really help it, now can I." 'Madara' said. "Seeing as you've ripped me from my body."

Well, the man was very obviously not Madara, at this point, having given himself away at least a dozen times during his tale.

"Still." He said firmly. "This irritates God."

"Kiss my dead ass, you fuckin' blowhard," 'Madara' said pleasantly. "You had my ghost spewing shit for twenty minutes, you can deal."

Pein's rinnegan gently wavered, rippled eyes unblinking. "Hold your tongue Obito Uchiha, lest I tear it from your head."

That gave 'Madara', no, _Obito_ , pause. He swallowed gently. "Ah."

"Ah." Pein echoed. "Oops. Did you mean to conceal that from me?"

Obito blinked, and Pein could hear his pulse skyrocket. "Yes, yes I did intend to hide that." Pein gently slid a finger across Obito's neck, resting it against his pulsing jugular. Even disconnected from his soul, his body would prove honest until he had no need of it.

The beat was violent. Fear. God could taste it.

"Hm." Pein's hand came up and tapped Pein's chin. Pein came up from behind Pein and gently began massaging Pein's sore arm. "Shame about that. Perhaps I might have even felt a little sorry had you not attempted to circumvent _God_."

"You need to stop that." Obito said flatly. Pein turned as one to face him, six rinnegan staring blankly at Obito, two more turning the corner as they spoke.

"""" **Stop what?** """"

Obito bit his lip. "Never mind."

Pein turned to look out the window as Pein continued strangling the life from Obito, body and soul. It was a lovely day, Pein could tell. The clouds he held close would have long drifted had he not, leading to one of the rare sunny days Ame might experience. Instead, the view outside was a dire one, steel grey high rises scraping the cloudcover. The rain was a constant sheet, near solid with the weight it commanded. The city was built around it, nearly a single organism. The rainwater even powered some of the standing mills, the rushing torrents swirling down pipes and through the streets accumulating and generating enough power for the whole city. God's gift to the masses. As was the free bath. None could call God's chosen people _unwashed_ peasants. "Your mistake Obito," He mused. "Was trying to plan against God. Now," Pein turned to face Obito. "What have you left out?"

"My escape plan." Obito answered honestly, and was then swallowed by a diving Plant that closed like jaws over his head. Pein felt his arm stretch and tear, the hot rush of pain disconnected as he stumbled back. Pein rushes forward to support Pein as Pein and Pein dashed ahead to cut him off. However, Zetsu evidently had secrets of his own, the tines unaffected by Pein's bullets and blast from the available Paths. The last thing he saw was a cheeky wink as Obito's soul returned to his body.

Pein paused, very deliberately not looking at Pein.

"That was a mistake."

""" **Yes**."""

"He was buying time for Zetsu to get in position."

""" **Yes**."""

"I should have brought the Deva Path."

""" **Yes**."""

"We shouldn't have underestimated Obito." Pein spoke, very calmly. "Madara or not, he was willing to cop to the name and we should have taken that at face value."

""" **Yes**."""

Pain stood in anger, breathing deeply, minutes passing until Konan was nearly tore the door off in her urgency. "Nagato I-"

"Inform the Akatsuki." Pein said steadily. "Zetsu and a potential are traitors, hunt them down. Offer rewards to Orochimaru, Sasori and Kakuzu. Halt all current operations, we need to know more before we may put the Gedō into action. Too much has been concealed."

Konan slowly closed her mouth, firming into a line. Pein could hear the thoughts rushing through her mind, the questions, suspicions, the emotions. She wanted to know, Pein understood, but she would not ask. A rush of fondness nearly moved his heart, but now was not the time. He put up a hand, quieting her thoughts. "I will answer soon." He said, meeting her eyes firmly. "But for now, go."

Her teeth clenched, but she nodded firmly and was gone.

A few minutes more passed until Pein finally felt calm. He looked around at Pein, meeting their eyes and nodding. Yes, he was not wrong.

He would do this. Madara or no, he had a Path to walk, and he would see it through.

It was a comfortable silence, relaxed, until Pein raised his head, and turned to look at Pein. "It is 3."

All the Pein simultaneously tore their pants off.

"""" **Time for the Pein train**.""""


	31. First Steps VIII

Kakashi slowly raised both his hands to the sky, and it wasn't the nerve damage webbing his fingers that made them tremble. The hand on his shoulder, ball like joints popping and shivering, squeezed tighter and tighter. Kakashi swallowed. Perhaps he should have thought twice about going against the Hokage's wishes. Publically humiliating him was also, maybe, a rash decision.

Time to think faster Kakashi; lingering guilt led you to make a hasty decision, surely it could get you out of it...?

Oho.

Kakashi's arms straightened, palms splayed to the sky so that bars of light fell like pillars against his face.

The hand stiffened in slight confusion.

"Hold on." Kakashi said solemnly. "I'm getting something."

The voice of God whispered hoarsely behind him. " 'getting something'...?"

Kakashi nodded slowly, very slowly. "Mhm."

"And what would that be."

"A vision." Kakashi said very seriously.

The hand immediately went crushing, and Kakashi fought back a wheeze as he felt his collarbone bend and flex like tubing beneath his skin. His throat grew tight as the bone started pushing against places it shouldn't touch.

Kakashi continued, perhaps slightly unwisely. "I'm getting a Vision from the gods."

"Can they sense my murderous intent."

 _Probably_

"Nope." Kakashi said. "My psychic vision is getting something else."

The hand in his shoulder loosened, and Kakashi sucked in lungfuls of liquid sweetness, an analogy that only made sense due to his constricted windpipe making the air seem a near physical thing.

An issue immediately exacerbated when the hand returned, this time to his throat.

The last bit of air whistled slightly going down.

Wait, hold on, more important than his potentially imminent demise or incarceration, was the fact that the hand holding him from _behind_ was going _around_ his throat.

Chancing a look down, hairy bristles like a forest of steel wool greeted his poor, bulging eyes. Ah, this would be Lord Emma then, not Sarutobi.

Somehow the fact that it was an Adamantine Gorilla-monkey-thing-monster with a weight class on par with small mountains and a pinkie thicker around than his spine grabbing him, and not the old man, did not quite suffice to comfort.

Kakashi sobered slightly, neck still playing cabaret tunes when he took a breath. There were shockingly high odds that Sarutobi's irritation was hitting thresholds of potential bodily harm he probably shouldn't test.

Time to double down.

"I see a child." Kakashi gurgled. "A small child. Dirty and kind of ugly too."

"As children are." Sarutobi noted.

"He's in the slums." Kakashi began waving his hands in circles slowly. "...and then he isn't."

The fingers around his neck twitched, and Kakashi reeled the air in.

"He's elsewhere now." Kakashi said. "With several other people."

"This is some pretty high definition picture you're getting." Sarutobi mused.

"I sacrificed an augur this morning."

"You mean you sacrificed _for_ an augur."

"No, I sacrificed an _Augur_."

"Why."

Kakashi's gullet whistled thoughtfully. "He predicted Very Bad Luck."

"Can't have that."

"What kind of Augur predicts poor fortune for a loyal nin?"

"A traitorous one, presumably."

"Speaking of traitors, the child from the slums is surrounded by them!"

"I see we're back to this. The picture in your head told you they were traitors, did it."

" **Saru**." A voice like gravel crunched the words out behind Kakashi's head. " **Konohamaru's getting away. Waste this broomhead fuck so we can go look for him.** "

Kakashi began sweating harder.

"No, hold on." Saru's patient voice sounded thoughtful, and notably less irritated than Enma's. "I want to know where Kakashi's potent goes."

"Danzo's basement." Kakashi supplies promptly.

Pause.

"I KNEW IT." Sarutobi roared. "THAT ONE-EYED PRICK _HAS_ BEEN MOBILIZING!."

Kakashi felt himself being roughly shook by the throat. " **What's he up to**?!" Emma roared. " **Tell me you cunt, tell me now**!"

Kakashi felt the slow slide of a bead of liquid running down his nostril and be sucked into his mask. Probably blood, if the horrible screaming of his skull and vertebrae were accurate.

"Dunno." Kakashi slurred. "But that approved friends list for Konohamaru is looking real thin probably."

" **He's after Konohamaru's potential friends! He wants to turn Konohamaru into a racist**!" Enma howled. " **After him**!"

" _Again_?!"

Kakashi felt himself flung sideways.

The skin on his neck caught on a looping talon and tore.

Hot blood rushed, tearing out of his body as his limbs tore around him. Gravity rushed, howled, and for a brief moment of clarity Kakashi felt the skin peel away from his face.

Greenbluegreenbluebrown

 _Smash_

Pain.

—

Kakashi limped back to the Hokage tower somewhat cheerfully, the crowds actually giving him space for once. His children were still there, chatting amiably with Asuma of all people, before they spotted him and turned.

He offered them a jaunty wave, one weakly returned when they spotted his...imperfections.

"You look like shit Sensei." Maruichi said seriously.

Sayo snorted. "He had it coming, messing with the Hokage like that." She shot him a disparaging look. "What _were_ you thinking?"

Kakashi laughed gently, rubbing his vividly purplish neck, great furrowed bands wrapping around all the way up below his chin. "Ah, well, Sensei made the mistake of feeling things, and has since learned his lesson."

Asuma shot him a disparaging look, one Kakashi returned. He snorted.

"Alright so today's a wash then?"

Kakashi rubbed his aching neck a little more. "Yeah, pretty much. We'll meet up tomorrow, double mission shifts for losing time."

Asuma looked at him, unlit cigarette bouncing in surprise. "You sure about that?"

"Maybe."

Asuma threw up his hands in defeat, an action copied by his little gremlins.

Eurgh, they were _learning_.

Rolling his eyes, he pulled one of them away, and the others followed along like little sausage links, all flubbery and making whining squeaky noises when Kakashi dragged them against flat surfaces.

"So we're meeting early tomorrow?" Saeki asked timidly, hand somehow cringing in Kakashi's grasp.

Kakashi made an absent agreeable noise. "Early tomorrow, we're gonna jump Asuma. He'll be lazy and show up late otherwise, the privileged asshole."

"What a shame that would be." Sayo muttered rebelliously.

—

Kakashi kicked down the door, children under arm and tossed them in, cutting the wire traps around the door down. They tripped and stumbled to their feet weapons drawn, and right into the lamp Asuma switched on hastily in his lofted studio apartment.

A pause, as the _six_ faces slowly made each other out.

And then everyone was screaming and being upset and kunai started whizzing through the air somewhat angrily.

"Kakashi what the _fuck_?!" Asuma howled diving off the bed.

"Asuma!" Kurenai screamed, rolling backward into the pile of sheets. "What the fuck is _Kakashi_ doing here?!"

"Oops." Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "I forgot."

Sayo cast an envious glance at Kurenai's shivering body. "Who's _that_ with the loser?" She said. "She's super pretty. She's not _dating_ him is she?"

"Nah." Kakashi said. "Too far gone for that." Sayo pouted a little, shooting Asuma distainful looks.

"Fuck _you_ too far gone!" Kurenai sputtered, reddening all over. "The hell?!"

"Bruh." Saeki said.

Maruichi pushed up his glasses. "I forgot my camera."

"You let me down Maru."

"Get your fucking children _out of here Kakashi_!"

Kakashi frowned. "Be nice Kurenai." He chided. "They're appreciating the _Yoshiwara-style_ in action."

"I'm not a fucking _sex assassin_ you prick!" She howled.

Kakashi reacted with visible surprise. "You're not killing Asuma after your mating period?" He said, astonished. "Well, _now_ I have concerns about your relationship."

"Mating period?" Came the muffled question from a fallen Asuma. A much more violent response came from Kurenai, who drew senbon with one hand and began shaping the _Hellview_ with the other.

Kakashi, deciding he'd pushed his luck enough for one early morning, seized his children by the backs, and one after another hurled them bodily into the street before diving after them. The last senbon managed to tag his ankle before he could hook his foot around the door and swing it shut, so he sat face-down-ass-up where he crumpled into the dirt and cursed his bleeding ankle for a bit.

"Sensei...?" Came the hesitant question from a deeply red Saeki. "Wha..."

Kakashi waved him off, still snorting mud from where his face lay. "Just wait for us at the tower, we'll be there in a bit." Came the muffled reply. The children turned, giving him a hesitant look, before scurrying off. Probably pretty shook.

Kakashi, chuckling to himself, raised himself up slowly, turned around and boldly swung the door open, swaggering in and leaning against the doorframe. Kurenai shot him a dirty look from where she was holding up her bra. "You couldn't _knock_?" She asked scathingly. Kakashi rubbed the back of his head and shrugged. "Early missions, no time to lose." He said cheerfully as she tugged her underclothes on.

Asuma stood up fully, having gotten his pants on finally. "I didn't expect _this_ early..." he mused.

Kurenai scoffed in disgust, sliding her dress on. "He's messing with you."

Kakashi reared back. "Me?!" He said outraged. "I never!"

The deadeyed look she shot him with said volumes as she dragged Asuma to the front door. Kakashi shrugged and she rolled her eyes, before turning to peck Asuma gently on the lips. Asuma, the reprobate, blushed and went dazed as she waved the two men a sharp goodbye.

The door swung shut behind them. _Outside_.

"Tell me you grabbed your keys." Kakashi said, realizing that he was associating with a half-naked Asuma in public and feeling a wash of despair come over him.

"Nope."

"Good thing you're ready to go then." Kakashi mocked. Looks over his shoulder showed some people giving him odd stares, and the attention made him itch all over.

Asuma grumbled a little, adjusting the waistband of the boxers he'd hastily hopped into. "It's _5 in the morning_ you asshole. What are you even doing _awake_."

"What're _you_." Kakashi shot back. "I saw you awake in there. _Real_ awake."

Asuma rubbed the back of his head a little, embarrassed. "Never went to sleep actually. Me 'n Kurenai, uh..." his cheeks reddened. "Yeah. I thought we were meeting later, so I stayed up to keep Kurenai company."

Kakashi cocked his head, squinting an eye. "Yeah, I saw you staying up alright. You're blaming Kurenai now? That's some new lows you're hitting."

"No, I-" Asuma looked around, seeing the morning crowds growing, and pulled Kakashi around to the side of the building, where the shade would hide the two of them. Asuma's eyes flickered, and his voice seemed to lower reflexively. "She's got insomnia. Genjutsu type, y'know."

Kakashi hummed. "I guess I know. I'd heard about the correlation, but I never got it myself. Not like _I_ ," Kakashi preened, "ever had an issue like that."

Asuma snorted, thumb jarring harshly against his bare chest when he went for his cigs and found his partial nudity instead. He winced and refused to meet Kakashi's amused eye. "You're a ninjutsu type and your Genjutsu reflects it. You go for the kill fast, which means you focus on psychological weaknesses. You might not have insomnia, but I bet you've noticed an uptick in your paranoid tendencies. You've trained your mind to seek out particular thoughts, images and associations, and it shows in your regular behavior."

Kakashi leaned back against the adjoining building. "Suddenly you're the expert? You gonna psychoanalyze my behavioral patterns now?"

Asuma folded his arms challengingly, chin jutting a little. "I'm dating Kurenai, if you don't think I picked up a little here and there you're stupid." His lips quirked up, and Kakashi swore that if Asuma let that chuckle loose he'd deck him. "Kurenai's a nightmare type - she specializes in the Hell Viewing. If you don't think the kind of mindset for that..." he trailed off with a low whistle and Kakashi winced sympathetically. "You gotta conjure the viewing yourself for that jutsu. She has restless nights every now and then is all."

"Alright, you made your point. Bu-"

A silver ryo, shining and only slightly marred, flew through the air and gently bounced off Asuma's tight abs. The two men turned to the mouth of the alleyway where a small crowd of neighborhood ladies had gathered to...watch.

"Let's never meet like this in public again." Kakashi said immediately. He turned and watched Asuma bend down, pick up the coin, and slip it into his waistband.

"You're an animal." Kakashi said, emphatically disgusted. Asuma shot him a bored look. "It's money man," he chided. "Besides, they've done nothing wrong." Asuma winked and waggled his fingers at the elderly crowd, who tittered and waved back. Asuma deftly leaned forward and caught a second coin flipped to him.

Kakashi turned and started walking up the walls. "Man, _fuck_ you. Get your clothes on and get to the training ground you lazy piece of shit." _Kakashi_ never got money thrown at him when he walked around topless. No _he_ got weird looks and people asking if he was drunk and the occasional fine for public indecency.

"You wanna split my profit?" Asuma called.

"No." Came the petulant reply.


	32. Babbling

The tower was grim today. The sun was shining cheerily not ten feet away from where Kakashi stood, but the gravechill sat less than five and he knew for a fact that Sarutobi would have him buried two feet under before he could twitch the wrong finger.

Even the genin knew better than to speak, the assorted squads who usually camped missions were drawn and huddled in corners of the circular tower they made themselves using boxes and tables to hide from view. The Jounin may have tried to act cockier, standing bravely in view, but the ANBU were trained to be nowhere near that stupid, and had already ran away. The Jounin were this reaping the benefits of their show of bravado, and staring down a _v-e-e-ery_ angry Hokage stewing silently in his own fury. Even his children were hiding behind him, though Kakashi had managed to drag Saeki halfway in front of him 'for moral support'.

"Danzo ran away."

"These things happen." Kakashi returned promptly.

Sarutobi shot him a look void of all emotion and Kakashi shut his mouth. It got very silent again, the Hokage brooding harder. Beads of sweat were matting the popped collar of Kakashi's shirt.

"He managed to hide, and I don't know where. I have an _idea_ of course, prior experience has seen to that." The Hokage slowly steepled his fingers. "But I lack a proper _place._ "

 _Sucks to suck_

 _Wow you're bad_

 _Cripple fights really are brutal_

 _Threaten his disability insurance_

Kakashi was tempted to speak and spew every idea that bounced into his mind, but his throat was still hurting and maybe Sarutobi bruised his throat when he had Enma grab it and what a shame Kakashi didn't really have it in him to speak up.

"Kakashi, this is your fault."

"What?!" Kakashi yelped, somewhat betrayed. The Hokage gave him a steely-eyed glare. "You warned him, didn't you."

Kakashi twitched. "No."

"Oh, really."

"Definitely not."

"Well." The Hokage sighed, and leaned back. He rolled his neck a little, shaking his fingers out and relaxing his shoulders. Kakashi felt his internal tension slowly start ticking higher. "Well then, I suppose if you say you didn't warn him." The Hokage slowly shook his head, a disturbingly genial smile appearing on his face. "I guess I simply have no choice other than to believe you."

Kakashi spoke through lips compressed to a quarter their size. "Believe me?"

"Indeed." The Hokage said lightly. Kakashi looked up, and saw the shadow of death hovering over the Hokage's shoulder.

"I'm glad you believe me." Kakashi said agreeably. "So I'm just gonna go ahead and leave now. Genin to train, busy days, lots to do, goodb-"

"Where are you going Kakashi." The Hokage said, and Kakashi swore the reaper himself carried the words to his ear. The Jounin standing around the room had begun shivering at some point.

"Out?"

"Ah, but Kakashi." The Hokage slowly drew a single paper from the middle of the stack, and pulled it free like a blade unsheathed. "You filed a mission report, did you not? Don't you want your mission Kakashi?"  
 _  
No_

"Sure." Kakashi's mouth said.

The Hokage hummed a little, waving the paper next to his face. "Say." He mused. "Did you file a mission for a favor to Danzo? A couple days ago? I heard he was asking around again..."

Kakashi swallowed.

Idle eyes rolled over and fixed on Kakashi. "Surely." He said slowly. "Surely you wouldn't...sign up for a Danzo mission right _after_ our little _chat,_ would you?"

"No." Kakashi said, very very still. "Definitely not."

"Hm."

Sarutobi slowly turned the report to face him.

 _Danzo Spy Mis HOKAGE CHOICE_

"I am a loyal nin." Kakashi lied, pretending indignanance as hard as he could possibly manage. "Big loyal, that's me."  
 _  
That was close_

Saru looked like he'd swallowed a whole lemon. "Damn."

 _"_ _Damn?!"_ Kakashi squawked. "Your precious, beloved Jounin proved loyal beyond all doubt and you say _damn?!_ "

Saru started picking at his ears. "Well." He sighed heavily. "I _did_ promise you a mission, I suppose."

"I'm noticing some strong hostility here." Kakashi mused. "I'm not sure I like it."

Saru raised a weary hand. "Bring in milady."

One of the shivering chuunin clattered his way across the silent hall. The silence save his footsteps was a near physical thing. The chuunin started walking faster, shoulders hunching up higher and higher until he broke into something just short of a run, until he got to a door in the back. He wrenched it open with some unnecessary force, and it pulled him off to the side, just in time to miss the woman that swept herself in. She stepped in like she owned the tower and instantly the atmosphere changed, from a cold pressure from the irritated Hokage to something far warmer. The pressure did not relent however, but it grew dynamic, flowing and ebbing with the woman as she stepped heavily across the tower towards the mission desk.

Sarutobi waited there with a sour look on his face and a great deal of apprehension in his tapping fingers.

"Lady Shijimi." Kakashi said, voice strained. "How are you."

The woman, painted face massive and proud, tossed threadbare curls over her shoulder and fixed a piqued look upon the people in the tower.

Sarutobi held up a lone hand to forestall any conversation. "Kakashi." He said, exhausted. "You remember the Lady, don't you."

"Indeed." Kakashi replied, "and her lovely, _lovely_ cat Giri."

The Hokage looked like Kakashi had drawn steel on him, a look of irritation spreading over his face. "You-"

Tears began welling up in the Lady's eyes.

Kakashi watched dumbfounded as she began silently weeping, staring melancholically at a point two feet over Kakashi's left shoulder. Servants rushed through the door, bearing handkerchiefs and loud platitudes, and the tower immediately grew rowdy as they hurried to comfort their mistress.

Tension broken, the Jounin grabbed their teams and either booked it out the door, or began filing for missions with anyone _except_ Sarutobi, whos finger-tapping had reached metronomic levels of sustained irritation.

The Lady blubbered for a solid minute longer, every second a century in the face of Sarutobi's growing air of promised vengeance, until she finally managed to work through the tears enough to speak. "Giri...Giri died!"

Kakashi had to physically fight back the desire to cheer. That shitty cat was actually the worst.

"So." She said, sniffling loudly, "I bought a new one. A nin-cat, on dearest Saru's recommendation, but a baby one." She began smiling through the tears. "Oh, he's the sweetest thing! He smiles, and talks to me, and he _adores_ me of course, and he's my little baby, an-"

"Find the cat Kakashi." Sarutobi appeared to be fossilizing in real time as he watched, his face was so stony. "Just find it and bring it here."

"Don't hurt him!" She wailed. "He's a good child!"

 _Nin-cat_ Kakashi mouthed. Who thought this was a good idea? Who let this happen? Dearest Sarutobi? Saru? Hokage? Lord Hokage? _You did this?_

Sarutobi refused to meet his eyes.

Sayo peeked out from behind Kakashi, even while Saeki continued struggling under Kakashi's crushing grasp. She gave the Hokage a deeply unsettled look before turning to Lady Shijimi. "Uh, how do we find him?" She asked nervously. "You said he was a nin-cat right? Isn't he gonna be really good at hiding...or something? I assumed his intelligence meant he'd be back on his own...?"

Shijimi turned tear-stained eyes on the girl. "Oh you're so sweet!" She squealed. "Yes sweetheart, I trained him to be very safe. Unfortunately, he puts that training as a higher priority than returning. He's so _loyal._ "

 _'_ _This may take some time.'_ Kakashi felt Maruichi mutter at his back.

Sayo's smile looked to be growing dysfunctional. "T-then, how do we find him."

"Oh it's very easy." Shijimi assured.

Kakashi had an immediately bad feeling.

She puffed herself up. "The Capital is very clean you see. Clean people, clean roads, clean minds, clean bodies. The people smell wonderful, and the _loveliest_ perfumes and aromas are always around." She sighed happily. "Of course, it's a great deal of work to keep it that way. We have men on the streets at all times of the day, good _hardworking_ people that work to ensure the Capital is a paradise! Oh, it's so wonderful!"

Kakashi's eye twitched.

"I didn't want my precious Tora associating with the lower class you see, so I trained him to hunt them down." She continued in a lower tone. "But it was hard. Some people, those _eccentrics_ ," she said it like a dirty word, _eccentrics._ "They enjoy parading around in peasantry wear, and it's near _impossible_ to find out who's who once they leave the city!" She tittered. "It's not a problem _in_ the city of course, that's what the streetmen are for, but outside we need to be very, very careful. So I chose something iconic, something so _indicative_ of the lower class that dearest Tora would always be able to find and attack them!"

—

Kakashi flickered next to a casually chatting Genma and Hayate on a side street off the main road. "I need a list of people with an STD."

Genma shrugged. " _I_ have an STD."

Kakashi whipped around. "Tell me." He demanded.

Genma sighed. "It's actually kind of a pain, but I suffer from chakra crotch lice."

Kakashi blinked. "What?"

"Chakra crotch lice." Genma repeated. "It's from Suna."

Hayate screwed up his eyes. "Leaving aside why you have a _suna_ disease, what the hell are chakra crotch lice. Kakashi, this moron isn't who you're looking for man, just ignore him."

"No, wait, hold on." Kakashi said, intrigued. "This is _way_ more interesting, fuck what I was doing before. Go on Genma."

"Damnit Kakashi." Hayate muttered, eyeing the people looking at them strangely.

"It's real simple." Genma sighed. "Anytime I pass a woman on the street willing or desperate enough to sleep with me, my crotch is physically dragged towards them, pulling me along, until we crash."

"That sounds terrible."

"Actually it's a great conversation starter."

Kakashi thought about it.

 _Why the hell are you stuck to my leg, you fucking creep?  
Must be your magnetic personality_

"That's fucking solid." Kakashi agreed.

"Well sure," Genma shrugged. "The Uchiha used to cultivate a strain for their hair that magnetized to quality conditioner. Bane of the supermarkets, they were."

Kakashi whistled. "Now that's a racket. How'd they get away with that shit?"

"The stores made a killing off 'Uchiha-Branding'. A mark of quality they called it."

Hayate raises a brow. "That's disgusting."

"Speaking of branding." Genma cut in. "Can you get me a list of people with a similar thing? You're making one anyway right?"

Kakashi turned to him. "I mean yeah, I am, though I already forgot why. But why do you want one?" Kakashi asked, genuinely curious.

"Scoping the competition." Genma immediately replied.

Kakashi shrugged. "Fair enough, though I might use it for myself too."

—-

"Children, I've found the solution to our dilemma!" Kakashi announced proudly.

Dead silence.

The clearing in Training ground 7 was host to his little children, Saeki having perked up when he arrived, but they did absolutely nothing in response to his declaration.

At least Saeki seemed to care, if the hopefu-oh. Kakashi sighed and swung the bag off his shoulder. "Yes, I brought breakfast."

The little bastards rushed past him and dove for the bag, and he let go of it with a heaving sigh and started watching them munch on riceballs. After about ten minutes, they finally deigned to give him attention again. He tried to fight rolling his eyes. "Alright, look, what do you know about the value of intel."

Maruichi chewed thoughtfully. "It's important."

Kakashi sighed. "Yeah. It is. What else."

"Hard to get." Saeki spoke up. "Gotta squeeze it out of people." He mimed a strangling motion, and the children dissolved into slight giggles. Kakashi just stared, until they eventually calmed down.

Sayo tossed him a disdainful look at his stoic silence. "Why don't _you_ tell us?" She demanded. "Clearly, despite being _right_ , we're not telling you what you want."

Kakashi immediately brightened up. "I'm glad you asked!"

Sayo groaned.

Kakashi began pacing back and forth. "Now, intel is real important. It holds onto whoever possesses it, dominating their thoughts and controlling their focus. It seeps into their everyday life. You can usually tell if someone has something by where their attention falls, and how stressed they look by seemingly mundane actions that they don't wish to do." Kakashi shrugged. "It's human nature. Intel is a creeping infection, and you don't usually notice the cost of it until much later. A lot of people think it's worth it, digging in, but they come to regret it. Eventually."

The children nodded, actually somewhat serious. Maruichi raised a lazy hand. "So we're analyzing human nature to determine the value of their intel."

Kakashi sucked a lip. "Kind of?" He warbled, "That's much harder to do, and something you won't get until much farther on. It's too...ephemeral, too subtly hidden. A lot of people can hide it really well, and some people don't even realize."

Saeki brightened. "Are we on the mission?!" His voice broke a little, and he saw Sayo toss him a mocking look for it. He flushed a little, clearing his throat. "Are...are we doing an intel gathering mission instead?"

Kakashi thought about it. "...sure."

At this, even Sayo seemed visibly excited, the children quietly discussing various bits of nonsense.

Sayo turned to him. "That's way cooler than that other thing! What do we need to pack?" She demanded, eyes shining. "Do we need to talk to T&I first? The Hokage? We're doing this in the village right?"

Kakashi nearly bit through his lip, eyes darting back and forth.

"Something like that." Kakashi rubbed the back of his head somewhat guiltily.

He smiled a little under his mask, as his students got some funny looks on their faces. "We're looking for...venereal disease! People in this village have it and I need to know who."

The children visibly deflated, almost crumpling. Saeki _did_ crumple, too disappointed to handle it. Maruichi sniffed. "An std? You want us to find people that share your std?"

Kakashi leaned back. "Whoa whoa whoa, I do _not_ have herpes."

Sayo shot him a deeply disgusted look. "Specific, but sure, whatever. But like, why are you so invested in people's junk again? Don't think I didn't notice you not specifying any genders for this hunt." She kicked a crumpled Saeki. "Look at this useless lump. Look what you did to him. You did this to him." Saeki shot them pitiful looks, whining a little. She ground her foot into his back, and he looked like he'd started crying a little. Maruichi and Kakashi pointedly ignored his bitch tears.

Kakashi crossed his arms. "I didn't do that, and 'I have herpes' is still technically intel. Nothing I said was inaccurate."

Maruichi pushed up his glasses. " _Why_."

"I completely forgot, so I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed some gossip." Kakashi shrugged. "The Hyuuga Bi-Monthly themed tea party is next week."

Maruichi stared at him incredulously. "You go to _tea parties_?" He paused. "...how good is the tea?"

"Hyuuga home-grown."

"Damn."

"Mmmm."

"...can I join?"

"Get me my gossip and we'll see."

Maruichi immediately snapped around and started booking it for Konoha.

Sayo, standing on a fallen Saeki, watched him go incredulously. "What a simpleton."

She whirled around at Kakashi. "And you, can't you just _smell_ the rot?"

Kakashi shrugged. "No. Actually, my hearing is a lot better than my sense of smell."

She blanked for a second. "...really?"

He snorted. "No, not really, except in this case."

She reddened a little. "Then why?" She snapped.

Kakashi gave her a dry look.

She thought about it for a second, before her face crumpled up in disgust. "Ew."

"Now go get me my intel."

"I don't want to."

"I'll pay you."

She promptly spun in her heel and swung a leg into Saeki's side. "Up! We got work to do."

Saeki whined, until she grabbed him by his still upraised arm and dragged him off.

Kakashi watched them go, before turning to his left where Saeki was focusing on maintaining the Genjutsu on Sayo. "She can't hear you now."

He sighed explosively, and had Sayo been looking, she might've seen Saeki's crumpled arm in her hand briefly turn into a branch, before flickering back into smooth flesh.

"That was a nice Gen-Kawarimi combo." Kakashi said appreciatively. "Messy and amateurish, but not bad."

Saeki grinned weakly. "Maruichi and me worked on that for a while, took us two weekends to nail. That girl has _no_ chill."

Kakashi hummed. "Interesting. You didn't put Maruichi under the Genjutsu I see."

Saeki shrugged. "He does him."

"...so you gonna go?"

"Can I not and say I did?"

"You can, actually."

"Then imma nap here."

Kakashi thought about it, and flopped back beside him. "Why not. Everyone learned an important lesson here today, so as far as I'm concerned, mission fucking accomplished."

It was a pretty nice day too. Sun, breeze, no clouds. Kakashi took a deep breath. Not bad at all.

"Ah shit I forgot about Tora."

—

"Mission well done." Kakashi said solemnly.

Silence.

Kakashi coughed. "I'm genuinely impressed, I must say. You managed to sneak up on it well, your stealth and chakra skills are coming along well." He said formally.

Sayo slowly turned shot him a deeply filthy look, covered in scratches and blood.

Kakashi quietly added some of his cut back to her paycheck.

Asuma scratched back of his head with his headscarf as he slowly walked up to where they were standing in front of the Tower. "You're already done?" He asked slowly. "But I only just finished lunch."

Kakashi smacked him across the face with the two new mission scrolls he was holding.

"You can do the weeding while the children kill some rats."

"Why am I doing D-ranks again?!" Asuma whined. "I thought I was past this shit!"

Sayo kicked him in the shins and glared. "We're doing this too." She ground out. "Just cause you're a shitty chuunin doesn't make you better than us." She stomped off, pulling Saeki and Maruichi behind her as Asuma stood dumbstruck, slowly mouthing _chuunin_ over and over to himself silently.

Kakashi patted him on the back, not sympathetic in the least.

—

The back of the store was unusually quiet. The brave members of the Thot Patrol were were hard at work reading books and eating cheap yakisoba. It was a peaceful, wholesome time of people enjoying each other's company. Genma, half crouching in the chair, sighed.

"Alright, the fuck is this shit."

The members looked up, confused.

Genma raised a brow. "Why are we doing this."

Homura finished his noodles, licking his lips clean of the sauce. "It's what we always do?" He said, a little puzzled. "We always just meet here and relax. It's quite nice actually."

Genma shot him a look. "Yeah, we _meet here and relax_."

"Yes." Anko relied slowly, chewing a dango stick. "He said that, idiot."

Genma shot her a petulant glare. "That was uncalled for."

"It wasn't." Danzo assured him.

Kakashi leaned over to Danzo. _"_ _What are you doing here."_ He whispered.  
 _  
"Nothing."_ Danzo whispered. _"_ _I've decided that I've been working hard for quite some time, and decided to take a well-deserved vacation to spend time with people I enjoy being with. How has your day been Kakashi, I am sure it was very well, you pleasant human."_

 _"_ _Weird place to hide from Sarutobi, are you the reason he's been irritated?."_

 _"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea of what you are implying Kakashi"_ Danzo hissed immediately. _"_ _Sarutobi received word that a person of interest was hiding in the sewers and has been investigating, while the other men were encouraged to take vacations."_

 _"By who?"_

 _"Honest, reliable men looking out for their subordinates, I'm sure."_

 _"You and Homura, huh."_

"That's it!" Genma said loudly, startling them both. They looked around, and realized that the room had gone completely silent, listening in to the whispered conversation. "That's the issue!"

"Sewage?" Kakashi questioned

Genma groaned. "No. _Danzo._ "

"I agree." Homura said.

"No arguments." Chouze patted his chin thoughtfully. "But why?"

"He's too good!" Genma snapped. "He does all our work before we can even try - there's nothing left to do! We haven't had a single outing! Every time I go scout out a building to torch or something, everyone inside is already dead or missing! We can't even passive-aggressively paint the damn tower because _someone,_ " a glare in Kakashi's direction. "Put the Hokage on edge, and now he's on a goddamn _manhunt!_ "

"You're just angry I didn't warn you he was angry." Kakashi mused.

Hayate waved away the concen. "Nah-"

"Yes!" Genma gritted his teeth. "You could've _said_ he was looking for reasons to make people do menial labor!"

Kakashi, frowned. "That's out of the ordinary?"

"Yep." Anko snickered. "Most of us don't go out of our way to needle the Hokage _all the time._ "

"I wasn't actually aware he had emotions between _curious_ and _disappointed._ "

"Well, he does." Genma snapped. "And now we can't _mobilize,_ because he's just waiting for reasons to toss us in the cooler."

"Oops."

Shikaku slowly stretched out, from where he'd been napping across three seats. "I wasn't aware we actually had anything to do." He said muzzily. "Had I known, I wouldn't have shown."

"Shut up!" Genma was slightly teary. "What the hell do you think we do here?!"

Shikaku rolled over, stretching. "To be honest, you said a bunch of really vague stuff I kinda nodded through. You weren't that clear. Homura?"

Homura thought about it deeply. "Ironic racism?"

Anko nodded slowly. "That sounds right."

"We can agree on that." Hayate crossed his hands.

Kakashi caught Danzo mouthing _Ironic?_ with a puzzled look on his face.

Genma threw up his hands. "So we're just gonna sit here, eat junk, and do _nothing?_ "

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "That's a _great_ idea."

"This was entirely within expectations." Danzo said firmly. "But I'm disappointed anyway."

—

Kakashi and Anko stumbled through her tiny doorway into the shoebox studio she called an apartment, tossing the empty bottles of booze behind them. It was very nearly larger vertically than horizontally, a huge mass of old papers and empty takeout containers splayed over the floor. Kakashi stepped carefully around it, chakra anchoring him when he felt his footing give due to one oily stain or another. The floor was a deep hardwood, running up to warm caramel walls, all decorated with more pictures and documents. Everywhere Kakashi looked, papers dominated the scene, lines of twine occasionally connecting a few. The room was near pitch black, the only light coming from a massive skylight somewhere Kakashi couldn't see, allowing thick bars of moonlight to pool on the massive stacks of papers dominating an entire wall.

The words and numbers spilled off the pages occasionally, hasty scrawls splashing over onto her walls where they continued unabated, formulas and theories crossing over, spilling onto damage reports and scene analyses from even other counties. Even knowing the leeway Shikaku offered Anko in access to the foreign reports, the sheer mass of information and spy data arrayed always awed him. Behind him Nako yawned and stomped in, twisting her hips and sashaying across the floor with the ease of casual practice, Kakashi, having finally made his way across the room, hopped up the walls and into the top bunk of Anko's deckered bed.

She kept the damn thing open for anyone that wanted it, and it was in use often enough. Anko snickered when she came out of her little recessed kitchen slurping some tea. "Going to bed already?"

"I'm tired," Kakashi whined. "Cut me some slack will you? Had to herd idiots for like a couple hours."

"Poor baby." Anko rolled her eyes. "You're lucky I didn't bring a man home tonight."

"You still can, you know." Kakashi said idly, one leg hanging off the bunk and swinging. "I'm not Kurenai, I don't sleep that light."

She took a deep sip. "Mmmmm. Hmmm. Mm. Maybe. Maybe after you sleep or something." She waved her hand idly. "I'm in no rush, it's still pretty early tonight."

She traipsed over her floor to one of the largest piles of papers, and swept them unceremoniously off into the floor, revealing a jet black instrument shining deeply under the moonlight. Kakashi cocked his head in interest; it certainly explained how the stacks seemed to have gotten so high. The piano dominated an entire side of the room, and as Anko fiddled with the prop for the case, papers continued to slide off. He had a feeling the grand piano also doubled as her table considering the additional chairs drawn up, which begged the question _why._

It certainly painted a lovey image though; Anko's massive bay windows, high up her walls, was situated to let in as much moonlight as possible. It was a soft, floaty sort of thing to look at. It might have helped that the sheer amount of dust she raised whenever she moved made her look curtained slightly. Anko swept herself onto the bench, lifting the case, and slowly beginning to plink the keys. For all the casualness she showed, it was a gentle, trembling noise.

"I didn't know you played." Kakashi said idly, leg swinging in time.

"I don't usually. Sensei had me learn, called it an exercise of the mind and body." Anko muttered. "Also maybe to make himself look classy. Never taught me any songs though; I had to learn myself, but I'm not very good. I've only made one, maybe one and a half I can show publically. I've only ever shown Nai, and her and Asuma once."

"You have a tiny apartment, no closet, no _rooms,_ a literal shoebox crammed full of everything you need, and you shove a fucking _piano_ in here." Kakashi gave her a tolerantly exasperated look. "Anko, really, have you considered moving into a place that fits it."

Anko's hands lifted from the keys, and her fingers trailed gently over the casing, rubbing the oiled wood top fondly. "Can't move out actually." She shot him an amused look. "Sensei actually built the piano in here, when he first got me the apartment when I was eight. It was perfect when I was young, but I can't move out anymore, 'cause the piano doesn't fit through the doorway."

Her fingers brushed the keys, faintly playing a chord. Every inch of the instrument spoke of care and loving attention. Her fingers left no marks, and the keys, one by one, sounded off in-tune, eventually burgeoning into something more.

"It's not bad." Kakashi said quietly. It was a rich noise, and for a while a gentle one she played smoothly, every time quietly following the last. Kakashi had almost been pulled into the tune, but then he could _feel_ Anko smirk when she suddenly pushed down harder on the little keys. The noise burgeoned into a deeper one, a richer melody flowing. Highs and lows, the piano wove a sound. Kakashi pulled the blanket over himself. "Here I thought you were gonna offer me some dinner at least, but now you're sending me off to bed? _You_ pointed out it's still early."

Anko chuckled, the wealth of silence filled by the suddenly clashing tones she began slamming. "I got no food for you, you shitty freeloader, and I got things I wanna do tonight. Have this and just go to bed."

Kakashi laughed a little, his eyelids pulling despite himself. "Rude...though I can't disagree."

The melody grew passionate, and through his pale eyelashes saw Anko stand a little as the keys grew frenetic. She definitely wasn't playing for his sake, no one would play such thrilling music for a sleeping man.

"Stop thumbing the black keys..." Kakashi said sleepily.

"Go to sleep idiot." Came the irritated reply.

Maybe it was for him.

The last thing he heard before he drifted off was Anko's soft laughter and a cresting tune carrying him away.

—

Kakashi awoke, suddenly, unused to how deeply he had slept. The tiny little bunk he had slept on was arrayed around him in a halo, pushed away from his waking jerk. It was a rickety thing, a cheap wooden frame supporting a mattress layered in threadbare quilts and thick blankets into a riotous mass of color, not too dissimilar to the Hokage Tower. He barely fit, and indeed he was curled in on himself. He stretched gently, limbs going over the sides and dangling in the air, joints popping and muscles gently pulling.

He rolled off sideways, landing casually on his feet with his chakra anchoring him and preventing the papers he'd stepped on from crunching. On the lower bunk was Anko's delicate little face, with a second one tucked into the crook of her neck; a man's bearded one. Probably a civvie. Kakashi snickered; Anko _had_ taken him up on his offer.

He stepped over gently, sweeping Anko's sweaty hair off her forehead. "Later 'Auntie Anko'." He whispered, almost fondly, before stepping away. He heard her murmur in her sleep, almost irritated and as he pulled the door open, heard her bed creaking as she adjusted herself around her bedmate.

The sunlight in Konoha was bright as he stepped out, chuckling to himself.


	33. The First Word I

_"_ _Sensei?"_

 _Kakashi blinked rapidly, awareness returning in a soothing rush as he breathed in deeply. He rolled over, coming chin-to-forehead with Sayo. "What's up?"_

 _Sayo's forehead wrinkled into a frown. "How did you get away with what you did?"_

 _Kakashi blinked._

 _"I'm not sure what you mean..." he mused. "You mean the murder, or the flagrant public assault?"_

 _"Not that shit Sensei." She asked impatiently. "The dangerous stuff. The Hokage, didn't you, like, humiliate him, and attack other Jounin and stuff?"_

 _Kakashi felt his lips gently tick up into a grin. "Ah, that." He rolled back over, facing the sky on the tee branch he was sitting on. "Well, that's simple. It's because I'm_ _ **strong**_ _."_

 _He heard Sayo scrabble up onto the branch behind his head. "That's all...?" Her impatient voice said. "You're strong, so no one cares?"_

 _"Pretty much." Kakashi admitted. "I'm worth something, see? That means I'm useful alive. Everything else is a measure of degrees. I get leeway for my contributions, but also my past."_

 _"How do they decide that?" She asked, actually somewhat curious for once._

 _Kakashi yawned a little. It really was too early for this, why couldn't he show up at noon? He slowly drew out a book from his vest, and let his hand carelessly flop towards her. Sniffing in irritation, she snatched the book from his limp fingers, and thus liberated, his arm swung limply downward again._

 _There was a few minutes of silence and Kakashi allowed his drowsy eyes to follow the clouds, even as the sound of rapidly flapping pages threatened to rouse him._

 _"What..." her halting voice said. "What is this?"_

 _"It's a Bingo Book. Be careful with it, it's technically illegal to possess." Kakashi said. "It lists nin, foreign or otherwise, of distinguished value."_

 _"Distinguished?"_

 _Kakashi hummed. "How much would you price a person? A civvie let's say."_

 _"100 Ryo." Maruichi's dry voice spoke. Kakashi let his eyes slide to the right, where Maru had managed to climb up and sit comfortably on a neighboring branch. "A civvie is about 100 Ryo, isn't it?"_

 _"That's rough. Based on what?"_

 _He frowned. "The price of murder?"_

 _"Sayo?"_

 _"...the price of sale?"_

 _Kakashi sighed. "If it were that simple, then the prices in that Bingo Book wouldn't even cross 10 Ryo. It would be measured in time instead, as in 'the time needed to find someone willing to do it for less than dirt.' And there's always someone, lemme tell you. I could even outsource my beatings if I really felt like it. Come on, you know the answer, I've already told you what it is."_

 _"Profit." Sayo said immediately._

 _Kakashi's eye crinkled. "Bingo. The price of a civvie is about 3000 ryo, as the total amount of money they make and contribute to the village in a lifetime. That's a nobody worker mind you, it goes up higher for merchants and tradesmen, maybe ten, twenty times that."_

 _Maru's voice took on a contemplative tone. "I could kill a random civvie and get 10000 ryo from another country?"_

 _Kakashi began quietly sniggering. "If it were that easy, Sensei would have gone missing-nin a while ago. It's just a rule of thumb to measure by. A 30-year old genin in that book is about equal to a merchant, and it scales from there. 80,000 Ryo for a Chuunin, and 150-300,000 for a Tokubetsu. Skill enough to land you in that book means that you've_ _ **earned**_ _the right to gamble with your life. You can cash that in anywhere, commit seppuku and and your family gets that money guaranteed. Hell, send your head to an enemy village and they'll mail your family back the money, free of charge."_

 _Sayo's hands stopped flipping pages, and Kakashi knew what page she'd stopped on._

 _"Jounin are a little different." He said softly. "Too dangerous, too much variance in skill. We learn quick too, so that's when th the book gets...unreliable. That's when you're really 'gambling'."_

 _"Ah." She replied._

 _Kakashi allowed his head to roll back, and looked into her eyes. They were deeply conflicted, like she was fighting to say something. His head rolled left, but Maru was looking at Sayo with a vaguely mocking cast to his features._

 _Kakashi sighed, and allowed himself to roll off the branch, falling eight feet down and flopping onto his back. Saeki was already there, legs tucked into his hands, and sitting up against the trunk. He looked up when Kakashi landed beside him before turning away a little._

 _"Sensei?"_

 _Kakashi leaned back against the tree he'd fallen from, letting his hands cool in the shade._

 _"What is it Saeki?" He asked lazily. "Sparring just finished, you're already impatient for body tempering?"_

 _His head went side to side fast enough Kakashi saw his nose swell slightly from the blood. "No, no, no, not even a little."_

 _Kakashi frowned. "Don't agree_ _ **too**_ _quickly. Or I might need to curb that enthusiasm."_

 _Saeki shivered._

 _"Sensei." He asked after a brief period, still sitting beside Kakashi._

 _"Mm_ _ **hmm**_ _?" He asked wearily. "What is it small child. Your teammates are up the tree, what do you need to ask that you can't beg them to explain."_

 _"You mentioned that you were strong right?"_

 _"Yes." Kakashi agreed. "I'm very strong."_

 _Saeki bit his lip, shifting a little. Kakashi nearly rolled his eyes._

 _"Sensei?"_

 _"_ _ **Yes**_ _, child._ _ **What**_ _is it."_

 _"What's it feel like to be strong?"_

 _That stopped Kakashi a little short. He thought about it for a second._

 _"It feels like freefall." He admitted. Saeki's confused face was enough for him to elaborate._

 _"So, you know what it's like for you right? You know, habit? Patterns? Get up, follow a routine, go home? So you know that feeling right, when you break habit and need to do something outside that? That feeling of drifting away from security?"_

 _Saeki nodded. Kakashi scratched his covered chin. "It's like that, but no bottom. There isn't really anyone that tells me what to do, my loyalty is all internal and_ _ **optional.**_ _I could leave if I wanted, and Sarutobi would respect that, even if he'd send hunter-nin after me in the next breath. But I'm free, in a very real way, and it feels like falling endlessly, no authority or legality to bind me."_

 _Saeki looked deeply uncomfortable, or maybe unfamiliar with the idea. Kakashi couldn't really explain it better than that, unfortunately. The pit of his stomach had long fallen away, and he'd leaned in to the drop soon after, going as fast as he could down that endless ravine. He could barely remember what it felt like, having someone older that gave you that feeling of grounded unquestioning security._

 _"Sensei?"_

 _"...yeah?"_

 _"Can you make me strong?"_

 _"...yeah, alright. I figured you'd ask sooner or later."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Maruichi's too passive and Sayo's too proud. I figured they'd force you to do it eventually."_

 _"...that's really mean. I'm doing it for myself..."_

 _"Really? You are?"_

 _"...sure."_

 _"Alright, you go first on the order of tempering. Into the boiling oil you get. Up up up, it's extra steamy since you're first and it hasn't cooled yet."_

 _"...I lied, Maru made me do it."_

 _"Too late."_

 _—_

 _"Gai." Kakashi greeted mildly. "How are you."_

 _Gai froze guiltily, walking back from the training ground. "...Kakashi...?"_

 _"How have you been Gai." Kakashi said conversationally. "How are you feeling? Tired? Stressed?_ _ **Overworked**_ _...?"_

 _Gai's eyes narrowed. "Truly, I should have expected you to find out my secret, my hip rival. Underestimating your youthful mind has ever been my downfall."_

 _"You weren't as cautious as you thought." Kakashi said smugly._

 _Gai grinned. "Then there's no need to conceal it further! In honesty, your children have been an inspiration to me! I'm glad they gave me the courage to get a team of my own."_

 _"How are they?"_

 _"Untainted." He said happily. "And I intend to keep it that way."_

 _"Is that right..." Kakashi muttered._

 _Gai turned to him sharply. "Kakashi, I have trained my children to be strong and youthful and bold. They are courageous, and pure at heart. However..." a dangerous gleam entered Gai's eye. "Should I find that they have begun making indiscretions, like wearing black clothing, or asking for paid vacation, or reading porn, I will be forced to train the youth back into them." Gai's breath was nearly steaming in the cool air. "Them and you. For the collective good of yourselves."_

 _"Gai, I would never." Kakashi said solemnly, tightening his back so the three spare copies of Icha-Icha he'd bought wouldn't fall out of his jacket. "But also on a totally unrelated point, training is a good idea. How about a little_ _ **collaborative**_ _effort."_

 _Gai raised an interested brow. "What do you have in mind?"_

 _Kakashi grinned. "My children want to feel_ _ **strong**_ _."_

 _Gai's expression was positively bestial._

—

"Kakashi."

"Yes, Lord Hokage."

"Get out."

Kakashi blinked sadly. "But why, my Lord? Aren't I a reliable, loyal nin? Haven't I done well training my children?"

Sarutobi nodded slowly. "That is true, you're both loyal and reliable. Unfortunately I have a crippling hatred of loyalty and reliability. It gives me a rash. Like your lovely genin did when I discovered how you were training them. Now, I understand that your children are learning, yes, I appreciate your growing care and dedication to the task." Sarutobi gently stroked his chin, a thoughtful look in his eyes. "And it was effective, certainly. Their efficiency has improved considerably judging from the filed reports Homura submitted. However, when I discovered that you had them jumping message-nin and selling their messages for free _gyouza_ , I had some, shall we say, minor concerns. Fortunately, your team has completed enough D-Ranks that I can reward you with a C-Rank."

"Why would anyone trust anything of value to a message-nin." Kakashi wondered out loud. "They're all useless, what's even the point. You might as well poster it up on a wall. I'm telling you, they're a collective security hole."

Loud hissing noises started coming from the rest area station for the message-nin, angry looks occasionally showing between people moving in and out of the crowd in the Hokage Tower.

The Hokage idly scratched at his shoulder. "Odd, there's another one now. My, I'm itchy today. It must have something to do with you opening your mouth again, I suppose."

"You should have Asuma rub you down with ointment." Kakashi said solemnly.

"Perhaps he'd be good for _something_." Saru muttered.

Asuma, standing in line right behind Kakashi, nearly stamped his foot, before Kurenai tried to crush his toes under her heel. Kakashi snickered, turning away slightly so Kurenai wouldn't sock him. Asuma shot him an irritated look before he turned a petulant glare back to a stony Hokage. "Could you _at least_ wait until I left."

"Get a team!" The Hokage barked angrily.

Asuma threw up his hands. "How'd we get on this topic?! Are we doing this _now_? Really?"

"Teams are the worst." Kakashi mentioned offhand.

"I _know._ "

"Kakashi get out of the village, you're a bad influence. You and Gai are too much and I need to get you away from him before I no longer _have_ a message-nin force."

Kakashi crosses his arms. "As the primary instigator here, I have a duty and responsibility to see this through."

Asuma also crossed his arms. "As the primary victim by circumstance, I have a duty and responsibility to see this miscarriage of justice come to light with the aid of Kakashi here, so that no man is duped into caring for those shitty hellions again. He's an important witness."

"Tough shit." Saru puffed deeply on his pipe. "I already gave Kakashi's kids the scrolls. You're locked in."

Kakashi whirled to the side, where Sayo was tossing four scrolls at Saeki, who began fumbling them. "How could you do this to me."

Sayo shot him an ungrateful look. "Fuck you, Sensei."

"Betrayed." Kakashi repeated. "By mine own children."

"Too late." The Hokage said with some relief. "Better pick a mission fast." The old man had an ugly look in his eye. "Or _I_ get to choose."

Kakashi clapped Asuma on the shoulder gently.

"Kakashi you traitorous fuck." Asuma said despondently.

"Can't be helped." Kakashi said firmly. "I'm too pretty to do border patrol."

Kurenai thumped Asuma on the back of the head. "Get going Kakashi, I'll see you later." She grunted, leaning on Asuma to keep his head down a little. Kakashi tossed her a cheery salute and headed over to his huddled children. They shot him looks as he sauntered over and started snatching scrolls from them, tossing one after another aside.

"...these all look like work."

"Get out and stay out." Sarutobi said with finality.

Shit.


	34. The First Word II

Kakashi tapped one of the scrolls, curling long fingers around it, flipping it up and bouncing it on his palm. One eye traced the whorls on the chakrawood paper thoughtfully. "One of these missions is a lot closer to home than the others. In a lot of ways."

Sarutobi calmly puffed his pipe. "Indeed it is."

Saeki tugged his sleeve urgently. Kakashi obligingly leaned down so he could hiss at him. "Sensei, i-is it true the capital has the best fashion?"

That one bore thought. On one hand, it was the leader in fashion in _Fire Country_ (arguably not saying all that much), but even though its influence was limited to the country itself, it was the bleeding edge of style for pretty much the whole world as far as the kids were capable of comprehending.

He put up a hand and slowly tilted it side to side. _Kinda._

Saeki's eyes narrowed. "Relative to Konoha?"

The tilting hand curled into a thumbs-up, and he looked satisfied. Maruichi and Sayo looked deeply tempted to argue, but a wobbling pout had them both slowly backing away. Kakashi raised a brow.

"It's for my family." Saeki mumbled under his breath. "They-it'll help them."

That settled it, he supposed. He caught the scroll bouncing in his left hand, and flipped it at the Hokage. Saru caught it without a sideways glance, unscrolling it smoothly and scrawling his name across the bottom. "Wait for the Lady at the gate." Stamp, roll, toss.

Kakashi froze, hand outstretched to catch the scroll. "What?"

Saru finally turned, and Kakashi saw the ugly grin the old man had been concealing. "Who did you think brought a mission from the _capital_ , other than our dear Madam Shijimi? It would be remiss of us not to warn the Daimyo after all."

All the pooling dread in his gut began violently churning. This was _not_ happening. The old man's face seemed to be dripping like candle wax, spiralling into a pearly smile that only made him sweat harder. "I suppose you'll have no choice other than to care for her and Tora along the way to Keishi-"

"-you can't be serious-"

"-for _free_."

Kakashi collapsed to his knees. "What's even the point of living like a cheap meal." He wondered quietly. "A free job is like cheap tuna, bad press. It's like offering people three-for-one deals or infinite side dishes or replacing the Shark fin in soup with the tail. Suspect and basically pointless."

Sarutobi grunted, mood clearly too vindictive to sour. "Just get your genin kitted out properly. You'll be doing most of the prep once you get there."

"I remember." Kakashi sighed, and slowly wavered to his feet, fighting the urge to just curl up and cry. Maruichi patted him on the back, and the resulting flare of spiteful hatred propelled him forwards, turning and hustling his children out the door with bad intentions in his heart and Sarutobi's mocking stare on his back.

Other genin teams hurried to get out of his way, on one memorable occasion even diving out of his path after meeting his eye. It said a lot about the other Jounin that they refused to do anything about it, sidling quietly to the side as he passed. Eventually they broke free of the early-morning job rush and the crowd thinned enough that actual _people_ could be seen between the genin infesting the streets. They were still drowsy, shambling down the roads with the characteristic lack of energy shown by chakra-deficit civvies. It was _hard_ to picture what lethargy felt like, the closest coming he could picture was the exhaustion following the many mourning periods Kakashi had observed. It didn't help that it was only the civvies that even seemed to experience this; the red lanterns far off had been dimmed and swapped out for blue ones in the midmorning, the geisha-nin swapping out their lovely kimonos for merchant's garb, putting down Shamisen for an Abacus and a whoop 'em stick. It was always interesting to see them shift from demure ladies-in-waiting to hard-nosed merchants, and he greeted them with fond waves they returned cheerily.

Well, he supposed, that was what happened when you loved your job.

His children blushed and walked faster as they cut through the now-refurbished blue-light district, the discerning cry of merchants hustling the civvies already beginning to ring through the air. Pushing onwards, people were still rousing and getting ready, so Kakashi avoided the cheap housing and cut past the police station. Well, it used to be anyway. It was actually a front for T&I now, and while being within 100 meters of Ibiki on the job gave him hives, it was a lot better than dealing with four hundred middle aged men simultaneously entering a mid-life crisis. Besides, he could hardly hear the loud clanging of human misery on anvil from where he was rapidly walking away.

"I'm going to miss home." Saeki said morosely.

—

Lady Shijimi awaited them at the gate, a retinue in tow so devoted to excess that simply by standing in place waiting for Kakashi to arrive was likely running her husband a deficit for the month. Kakashi supposed that it was a compliment of sorts, a literal pyre to their cooperation.

Still, it was exhausting. She surely didn't need to have a charcoal heater on board her palanquin, did she? They lived in _Fire Country._

"It's for weight loss!" The Madame informed him cheerily. "It's quite difficult to keep in shape with all the traveling I do, so I take measures like this to save time." A lady deep inside the palanquin tittered in amusement.

Kakashi refused to question this, turning a full ninety degrees to face his children, who were nervously pacing with little packs on their backs. "Did you pack?" He asked.

"Water, nonperishable food, weapons, rope, flares, backup weapons, tags, scrolls, spare weapons, blank scrolls, a towel, extra weapons." Sayo recited, ticking off her fingers. Maru rattled her pack thoughtfully. "Medical supplies." He murmured, startling her.

"Ah shit."

He waved her off. "I packed spares." He said. Saeki, ruffling through his own bag somewhat nervously, looked up. "Did anyone grab napkins? Plates? Chopsticks?"

The other two stared morbidly at his obvious distress. "You know we're not on a picnic right?" Sayo said. "This is a mission, why the hell do you want that shit?"

Saeki gave her a blank look. "You ever tried grabbing a kunai with soy sauce on your hands?"

Sayo went silent, and after a few seconds turned her head away.

Maruichi turned to him. "Sensei, what did you bring?"

"Porn and crackers." Kakashi said firmly.

The three went silent, making expressionless eye contact. Kakashi felt oddly wounded by this. He knew what he was doing; the wildlife on their path was almost excessively abundant, and groundwater was literal feet away on the road. Even the trees along the path to the capital had been carefully cultivated, blueberries mixed with _tailor_ trees, plants with leaves broad and dry enough to use.

But no, what was this contempt? Did they think lowly of him? What had he _ever_ done to deserve that?

-

 _"_ _I can survive entirely off sunlight, salt, and a single cracker every three days." Kakashi said solemnly, balancing on one of the wooden stakes in the training ground. "It's a technique I invented for the sole purpose of not needing to exert the slightest ounce of effort."_

 _"But why." Maruichi asked, tied to the stake in question._

 _"So when you're starving on your first mission, I can laugh at you." Kakashi replied easily._

-

He'd definitely done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

 _"_ _He's definitely gonna watch us die and do nothing,"_ Sayo whispered.

 _"_ _We could probably carve off an arm while he's reading."_ Maruichi said softly. _"_ _I followed Sensei after one of our training sessions, and met an Akimichi who assured me that with some salt and crackers, it'll be pretty good eating. We could sharpen the bones into weapons too, in case we lose ours or he steals them."_

Kakashi began walking quickly away before his students' scheming depressed him any further, and approached the retinue the Madame had praised as her 'most loyal'. It was a group of sixteen people, all milling about behind the palanquin resting upon the dusty ground. Four of the men were obviously hired to lift it, burly workers as they were. The booze they were downing was probably the 'share of kindness' offered to them for their efforts, a (very) small traditional thank-you to stay on their good sides. An additional four men were fighters, though too bulky and solid to be proper nin. Their joints displayed none of the characteristic flexibility, so they were trained bodyguards. The blades at their waist agreed with him, though they didn't even have the scars and calluses to be Samurai.

Kakashi paused on that thought. A full half of the lady's retinue couldn't properly protect her from ninja, despite missing-nin wandering the wilderness so nearby.

Kakashi turned a little. Two more palanquins were behind, each with four more bearers, though no guards. Assuming the palanquins held each two to three more women the Lady called her dearest friends, that left...what?

Nothing?

Kakashi's eye narrowed. Something was going on here. He approached one of the palanquin-bearers with questions, a burly man oddly gentle with his hands. He peeled a peanut with uncharacteristic delicacy, and spoke between crunches. "Dunno. Drugs maybe? Money? Beats me, what do rich people trade in?"

"Pardon?"

"It's how we got past the bandits." The man swallowed, grains still showing between his teeth. "The bandits were all permitted to approach the Lady's resting place, and her hand always came out of the window with something held in it. They'd take it and leave."

Oddly descriptive for a 'loyal' man, which meant that the Lady had no issue having this known. Which seemed uncharacteristically trusting of her. Kakashi couldn't say he wasn't flattered by the sheer degree of baselessly blind trust she was showing, especially since he had zero intention of reciprocating and already planned to trade the information for free ramen or something.

You'd think she'd know better. Bizarre. There was more going on here than he was anticipating, though there was nothing particularly ordinary with the mission itself.

-

 _ **The details of the mission are as follows the scroll read.**_ _Kakashi felt the Hokage's look redouble upon him as soon as he touched this particular mission scroll. It gave him a bad feeling._ _ **The Capital of Fire Country has seen a resurgence in Dojo, all claiming to be bringing back the old style for Samurai. This is likely in response to the previous movement by the Minister of Defense to have the Warding Blades samurai faction decommissioned and replaced more fully by the 12 Guardian Ninja in scope and action, freeing up the resources and necessary placation to Iron Country. The Dojo's have begun running wild, slaughtering each other in the name of a 'true path'.**_

 _ **In addition, some of the smaller bureaucrats have begun appearing dead in public places, beheaded and arranged upside down while cradling their own heads. The Daimyo has begun demanding answers, and the burgeoning favor towards the Guardian Ninja over the Warding Blades has led to a general negative opinion towards the Samurai factions altogether.**_

 _ **Speculation: Potentially leading into a movement towards a war footing towards Iron Country.**_

 _ **Speculation: Potentially slashing our development budget.**_

 _ **Speculation: Potentially Danzo's fault.**_ __

 _"Was that last one really necessary?" Kakashi asked curiously._

 _"Yes." Sarutobi ground out. "He's been smug about it for weeks. Weeks. He won't shut up about how I 'erred in judgement'."_

 _"Sounds more like bitterness to me..."_

 _"Shut up Kakashi."_

-

Samurai rising up, hidden killings, a potential paycut and a spiteful bossman hunting for reasons to assign blame to people he was irritated with; this was all _kinds_ of bad news. Kakashi needed to play this safe, and that meant actually investigating things.

 _Ugh_

The Lady waved him over, patting the partition her hand poked out of from the palanquin. Kakashi went, somewhat laconically. She was patient however, waiting for him with a girlish smile. "Dear Kakashi," she purred. "Be a dear and let the men know it's time to leave?" Her round, painted face curled into an excited mien. "We must hurry if we're to make it **home** before the rainy season!"

Her shrill laughter, easy as it was, accompanied him uncomfortably as he turned and gave the lifters the signal to go, signing with his other hand behind his back to open the _Big Gate._

With a great crunching groan, the massive wooden doors parted, a great burst of wind gusting his hair about and nearly knocking Saeki over as the massive wooden palisade moaned open. The world opened up, the crowds awaiting entry into Konoha proper scattering, and revealing the road onwards. It was with a great heaving _huff_ in harmony that their little baby retinue began moving, as twelve men carefully lifted the gilded litters onto their shoulders. Their backs were sloped, knees bent and arms bent, resulting in movement so smooth that Kakashi doubted the Lady had even noticed they had started walking.

The fact that she didn't even bother looking outside her box to check, reinforced the idea that she trusted these people. An odd choice for the wife of the _Daimyo_ , as Kakashi was under the impression that such faith was something difficult to come by in Keishi.

Kakashi started moving as well, thumping his children on the backs of their heads to get them moving from their frozen posture. They jolted, snapped from the shock of seeing the main gate moving at all, and hurried forwards to keep up. The lifters were deceptively quick, moving with obvious ease to hurry past all the people waiting and staring. Kakashi arranged the kids in a triangle position around the already established four-square arrangement the guards took around the Madame's litter, and they were off. Kakashi himself took the rearguard, allowing Saeki the 'honor' of taking point.

He sucked in the fresh air, as the tree-bounded path began to slowly crawl by like an illusion.

God, he hated this place.


	35. The First Word III

_"_ _Sensei, you're not trying to slack off, right?"_

 _"Sensei would never do such a thing while his cute genin were working so hard!"_

"Damn, I must be getting old..." Kakashi ruefully rubbed his chin. "Letting genin talk smack at me like that..."

Sayo looked so earnest saying those words, so _genuine,_ a burst of frustration she maybe couldn't help venting. Ah, to be young and fearless. Shouting down jounin because you felt like it would make a difference.

Actually, come to think of it, that's probably what Minato had meant when he said Obito would grow out of his little temper tantrums. Emotional bursts. Probably what the old people meant when they said it would get them killed too; one excess burst of recklessness could lead him right into the path of a kunai.

So hold on, youth could be characterized as that burst of stupid emotion right...? That little endorphinal package that either pulled you through victory or got you killed early? Which meant being old meant reining that in. Becoming a smooth logic machine.

Kakashi questioned if he really wanted to let those emotional bursts go. He really didn't. It was childish and charming and stupid and couldn't help but want to pull their little cheeks every time they drew steel and threatened to castrate him. God help him he was getting _old_.

 _Wait._

Kakashi mentally backpedalled.

Restraining those emotional bursts made you an adult?

...

...

...

But...

He'd always been able to do that...

When...had he been a child...?

...

Kakashi decided to resolve this question by indulging in every one of his basest instincts in an attempt to discover his inner youthfulness.

So resolved, he began kicking rocks somewhat spitefully at his genin who screamed and began scattering, mentally categorizing it as 'dodge training'.

Yes.

Yes, this was surely it. This was childhood at it's finest. Yes, this was truly the springtime of you-

Hold on, that sounded familiar.

Kakashi slowly reached down, patting the floor while keeping his empty gaze fixed on the horizon. Left, right, up, left, ri-

Kakashi's fingers tripped on a smooth, hefty rock halfway shattered by a wheel of some sort. Flipping it up with his fingers, he caught it idly.

And then proceeded to beat himself repeatedly in the head with it in an attempt to erase the revelation he was desperately suppressing.

—

Kakashi blinked. He was standing still on a _-the_ dirt road, the little group having moved ahead.

Why was he...?

A slight heavy sensation in his left hand and a throbbing ache in his temple caught his notice, and a look down revealed an exceedingly bloody rock clutched in his hand.

Ah. Best not to question it then.

Kakashi rushed to catch up to the callous caravan, passing his students in speed easily and making it to the lead palanquin. The guards shot him uneasy looks he refused to return.

He twitched his fingers behind his back, curling his fingers out of a fist, and out the corner of his eye watched his genin start drifting away from the caravan, spreading out into the forest alongside. Kakashi allowed a brief flicker of satisfaction into his heart, before he quashed it and started thinking up petty grievances to criticize them for. No use letting them think they could relax; he'd make sure they suffered the _same_ existential pressures that he did at that age. Fair was fair after all, and empathy was for chumps.

The guards seemed to be growing more and more discontent with the fact that he was deigning to keep to the slow pace of the palanquins instead of moving around. They did nothing about it however, permitting the odd behavior to go unquestioned, barring the ones their eyes conveyed.

Hours passed, and they made pretty good time. For all that the workers needed to heft a weight and move at civilian speeds, they moved at a steadfast pace and took no breaks. Exhaustion barely showed on their faces at all, and even as the sun set their pace continued unabated. Kakashi had no choice but to continue as well, forcing his somewhat tired children to continue their grueling trek through the muddy forest.

Ducking into the forest, he allowed the kids to close the gap and jog alongside him. "How goes the march?"

Sayo pulled a twig from her bouncing hair, wincing at the tug, and flicked it at him. "Tired."

"Already?"

Saeki ducked a branch, briefly tugging Kakashi's cuff to keep upright. "It's so... _messy_ in a real forest!"

"Wears you down." Maru chimed in. "Saps energy. Doesn't help that it's horribly dull."

Kakashi reared back, mightily offended. "Forest travel, boring? How _dare_ you. Tree-hopping is a national past time. Sensei is a three-time finalist."

"We're _not_ tree-hopping, now _are_ we?" Maru shot back. "Just _walking_."

" _And stumbling._ " Sayo muttered.

Kakashi nearly tripped over a root himself. "What?"

They gave him blank looks. Kakashi felt slight alarm. "What do you _mean_ you can't tree hop?"

Sayo shrugged moodily. "Never taught."

Kakashi digested that for a second.

"What the fuck is the Academy good for anyway?"

Saeki shrugged. "Ethics class? Free training facilities?"

"The fuck is ethics?"

Maru flapped a hand. "Some archaic verse the civilians invented to self-justify their enforced pacifism."

"That's kinda fucked up." Kakashi admitted.

Maru pushed up his scuffed lenses. "Can't be helped. If they think they have moral ground, then you can at least try to manipulate the direction the inevitable be-torched and armed revolution arrives on the doorstep."

Kakashi clapped a little. "General Zuhan, Verse 18 of _A Treatise on Sedition and Self-Motivation_ , very nice."

Maruichi slowly nodded. "Indeed. An excellent read."

Kakashi, satisfied, turned away. It was actually _A Treatise of Law and Riot Control_ that possessed the relevant passage, but that was fine. This would ensure that Maruichi went back, confused and desperately looking up what he'd been talking about.

" _Hey Maruichi, didn't Sensei talk about the wrong research paper?_ " Saeki whispered.

Kakashi was more interested in educating and training his children for effectiveness and survival. As the saying went, 'stop and smell the roses for any tangible profit to emerge of them'. Perhaps he could slow down the process, allow them to rest and digest what they were discovering.

" _He seemed so proud of himself though, I couldn't correct him._ " Maruichi whispered back.

Kakashi turned and signaled for the caravan to move at doubletime as he stepped back onto the road. As the saying went 'time waits for no man to make a profit', so they really should press on as fast as possible.

Occasionally, Kakashi had to stop and make sure they stayed in formation, some of the workers slowly drifting too close to the edges of the road for Kakashi to be comfortable defending. The forest was already growing dark, and Kakashi had already been informed that bandits were about. No reason not to be careful, so Kakashi forced himself to keep pace and travel at the relatively _civilian_ speed he'd set.

Finally, a smooth bejeweled hand poked out of the wicker box and signalled twice for the halt. The men, hardly a sound from their lips, gently lowered their burdens, allowing the armed bodyguards to take up smooth positions around.

Kakashi also signalled the halt, pointing to the fire the workmen were building. The children stumbled tiredly towards it, covered in mud and sticks and slowly supporting each other. Kakashi rubbed his chin. That reminded him, there was a swamp somewhere around here wasn't there...?

Where could it be...

Behind them, maybe? That seemed plausible. Maybe he shouldn't have forced them to go through the forest.

Eh. It built character.

Guilt so assuaged, Kakashi swaggered towards the lead palanquin, the largest and most decorated of the three. The noble ladies had not gotten out, nor would they during the course of the travel. If Kakashi wanted some questions answered, he would need to go to them.

Shame the guards were disinclined to permit that.

Long arms blocked his passage. "Stop." Came the quiet warning. "You are permitted no further."

"Oh?" Kakashi asked, eye tightening into a curve. "My, you're so cool. Can't even allow a nin permission to talk to his contractor, so _serious_ too."

The man standing before him grimaced deeply, his compatriots arrayed about not giving him a look, yet saying nothing to deny his actions either. "You're no ninja."

Kakashi blinked, thrown off his mocking stride.

?

 _Excuse me?_

"Pardon?" He asked sweetly. "I couldn't quite make out what you said there. I feel like you may have said something weird, but perhaps I was wrong. Hard of hearing maybe. I feel like I had brief thoughts of aging earlier, so please speak slower."

His lips thinned. "A ninja." The swordsman said. "Serves his lord with distinction. He abandons _honor_ , he abandons _pride_ and _glory_ to serve the lord of his land."

Kakashi opened his eye a little and gave the man a slow once over. Dirty white clothing, smelling faintly of sandalwood. Funeral clothing, that. Two blades, unadorned, simple guards, unworthy of fancy decoration. Cheap geta, wide hat, shadowed eyes, thin cheeks, dirty hands, likely lowered to farm work.

Can't call himself a samurai if he's that low.

" _Big talk for a buster ronin too coward to carve out his honor_." Kakashi whispered cheerfully.

Red.

Red to white. White to red.

Red to purple. Purple to puce. Back to white.

Aw shit, that burn was way sicker than Kakashi was expecting. Hit a bit closer to home than he even anticipated. God, he was so proud of himself. Why didn't he write shit like this down?

The swordsman's hand went for his blade, stopped in his tracks by Kakashi's deeply amused look, and the kunai gently whirring on his finger.

"How dare you." The guard said hoarsely through bloodless lips. "How dare you, _scum_."

"Is that what your teacher said when he kicked you out of his _dojo_?" Kakashi asked.

The man took that shot like a body blow, nearly crumpling at the knees.

Well shit, maybe a bit too far? Poor bastard looked nearly in tears. Even under orders not to harm him probably, since Kakashi's hand was still attached. Kinda fucked up in hindsight. The dude couldn't even focus on him anymore, trying so hard to keep his cool.

Kakashi was still deeply proud of himself though.

" _Enough, please! You're killing him!_ "

The voice was loudly and _obnoxiously_ saccharine. Kakashi and the other guards made uncomfortable faces and stepped away, leaving just the one desperately fighting for composure. Not a single man turned to look at him. The slot slowly slid open, revealing thickset lips painted delicately rouge.

"He is clearly here to speak to me, please let him in."

Kakashi was _certain_ that the Lady had not heard him speaking with the guards, which made him immediately question why she was so sure he was there to speak to her. Confidence? Dear him, what would she have done had she known he'd actually considered speaking to the guards before her? Or, god forbid, the carriers?

Something amusing, no doubt.

Kakashi sighed. Missed opportunities, alas. His questions to her mattered more for the moment.

He stepped back up, slowly sliding in a large circle _around_ the...emotionally incapacitated man.

There was an ugly look deep in his eyes, something that intrigued Kakashi was more and more by the moment. Samurai, even _former_ samurai didn't do this. They just _didn't_ shittalk nin like that, went against their code or something. Trading barbs like that - _ah!_ What a unique luxury! Kakashi simply hadn't been able to resist!

He almost stopped. _Almost._

Lingering regret was banished as he approached the palanquin, and a slim door popped open. A smell like sadness curled about his nose, tingling with the scent of fear and desperation.

 _Irritation of alcohol - nail polish?  
Spice, burning - Perfume?  
Powder - Talcum? Toxic? For the face? Hands?_

A finely ground hand reached out and Kakashi welcomed it, sliding in and sitting opposite. A quiet _hiss_ reminded Kakashi that the Lady was hosting a guest, sitting on the same side he was. He turned and offered her a quiet smile, but the guest didn't seem to have the presence or personality to reply. Her gaze was distant, studiously avoiding his eyes.

Kakashi looked down. He was sitting on her lap.

He looked up and offered her his cutest doe eyes. When Maruichi did this, the older ladies melted and offered him candy. When _Kakashi_ tried it, a look of vague disgust and irritation crossed her face, and she began gently attempting to shove him onto the floor. He firmly anchored himself to her knees with a quick application of chakra, and turned to the dear Lady.

"Milady, your hands are as lovely as ever." Kakashi said mildly.

The Lady, dominating the entire side of her palanquin, tittered and waved the overlarge fan gently. "Oh, you and dear Saru are _such_ charmers!"

"Like the finest marble you are." Kakashi offered, racking his mind for actual compliments.

 _Oh yes, veined, stony, and in poor condition, like marble indeed. Think faster Kakashi._

She tittered, reddened and pleased.

Moments passed, broken by only vague pleasantries and empty compliments. The Guest seemed more and more uncomfortable by the moment, but Kakashi had no mind to pay attention. Not like _she_ was holding his paycheck hostage. He patted her arm consolingly, and felt her muscles bunch like thin, angry vines.

Oh, scary, scary.

"Ah, forgive me." The Lady simpered. "I forgot to introduce you two! Kakashi dear, my dear guest is Lady Taiyo. She's the wife of the Majordomo."

 _She's a political commodity_ said Madam Shijimi's eyes, deepset and dull.

Kakashi turned a little and patted the Lady Taiyo gently on the cheek. "Charmed."

"It is good to meet such a valued nin." She said, strained.

"Indeed he is!" The Lady Shijimi was delighted by this opening. "Oh, dear Sarutobi spoke so _well_ of him! Oh my you'll _never-"_

 _What are you up to Sarutobi_

Kakashi forced his expression from the mocking grin spreading across it, to a look of wide-eyed appreciation. Taiyo looked disgusted, but Shijimi lapped up the implied praise, slithering her hands around one of his and squeezing in what he could only assume was meant to be comforting.

"-simply _a-maz-ing_ how all those brave dears took the knee before they-"

Kakashi was terribly bored, failing to even try to keep up. Taiyo was, however, enthralled, or merely very very good at faking it. She gasped in the right places and even did this nervous little clap that sounded like acorns rattling a can.

"-credible missions that you'd ever see-"

"Speaking of missions." Kakashi delicately cut in with all the tact and grace of a master wordsmith. "We're on one. Could you tell me more about it."

Lady Shijimi's rouged lips puckered tightly into a thoughtful expression. "I suppose you should probably know about what to do, although my husband's geisha could explain further..."

"Tell me more." Kakashi said urgently.

"Oh, they're just off the main street with the other painted ladies!"

"My, how committed."

"It's _ever_ the rage you know, the poor dears have business all day!"

"Oho." Kakashi leered. "I feel like this vital information could provide the, uh, vital context I need for...whatever it is I'll be doing."

"Oh, _all_ the ministers do it." She tittered gently at some expression Taiyo made behind Kakashi. "If you're not going there in daylight, how are you to keep in touch with the public opinion? Nighttime, I've been assured you know, is simply terrible for this sort of thing. Everyone is tired, or, or _drunk_!" She giggled. "Oh, but one of the ministers came up with a plan! it was so clever!"

"Oh? It's all the rage these days? Big thing for the ministers eh? Get togethers? Big? E-expensive?"

"Oh yes, it's a very popular way to work. Some never leave! It takes a great deal of committment to get any work done.. _.there_." She primped a little, hair flouncing. "But you know, it's vital. Someone put out a research paper you know, a survey that said people were 'more honest' in the vicinity of such establishments. You may not be aware of such _modern_ advancements in civil engineering, but I assure you the paper was revolutionary."

"The man who wrote it was truly a burning torch for our era." Kakashi said solemnly.

"Oh he _was_!" Shijimi gasped a little. "He took it on himself to measure the results in every single painted room in the city! Three full years of constant effort! Oh, my dear gave him a post in the ministry for it you know."

"What a hero." Kakashi wiped at a damp eye. "Making the big sacrifices for the sake of the people."

Shijimi burst into shrill laughter. "The _people_! Oh, my dear! No such thing! After all the people don't bother with, eh, ehm. Hm." She worked her jaw a little. "N-no, no dear." Her laughter curved back into a more practiced, harmonious tone. "No, it was made for the sake of the busy scribes in the palace you know."

Kakashi wanted to physically shake her until she completed her earlier statement. Bother with _what?_ Why _not_ for the people? What was wrong with them - did they really all actually have chakra crabs? Was it because they worked for a living?

Her responses only grew more short and clipped, and before long Kakashi was ushered gently from the palanquin. Sighing, he stepped out, the two degrees of difference washing a pleasant chill down his back.

Ignoring the dirty looks and uncomplimentary comments, he walked quickly towards the fire his children were curled around. A second, larger one burned merrily a little farther down where the laborers were quietly sipping at unmarked bottles, but his kids seemed content to pass the time apart.

"They didn't like us." Sayo mumbled sleepily as Kakashi slowly sat down beside them, unconsciously scooting closer. "Said weird things. Didn't get it."

"What did they say?" Kakashi asked gently, supporting her back.

She mumbled a little, and Maruichi took up the slack. "Disloyal."

Kakashi quirked a brow, but a slow shrug was his response.

 _The Madame called me the picture of reliability_

 _The samurai called me a traitor_

 _The workers called me disloyal_

Sitting beside the popping flames, Kakashi stared quietly into the night.


	36. The First Word IV

_Initial subject moves three times to the left, twice right, half-step left, knee bounce six (6) times, scratch ground in fan pattern half-foot wide slowly as eye follows cloud, stare forward, eye follow movement of squirrel instinctively, watches it scamper, lose track in branches of shadow depth 4.3 lu. darker than average, blinks in slight irritation, cataract forming in left eye, watch scratch ass four times half-inch above mole no more than three (3) mm wide, pace right, left, stare at companion four (3) in. below tailbone, follow with pupils dilated 0.04mm, look down to pretend innocence, trail eyes across area, flickering back to companion backside seven (7) times in succession 4.5 seconds in between, watched companion notices and stares back , eye flickers to blade then to employer then back to blade then back to employer (Shijimi, L.) then back to blade then back to employer than to ground, briefly considered homicide for crime of staring at ass very strongly but thought better of it, will probably use initial subject as meatshield at some point in the next eight (2) days to dispose of them, abandon initial subject as point of study due to being lost cause and also incredibly boring move to watched companion now detailed as second subject, who proceeds to move in shade and sit pointedly down jiggling foot irritatedly thirty-seven (37) times in rapid succession, conclusions drawn as to slight irritation being experienced which makes second subject at least 40% more human than initial subject thank god must admit has nice posterior god forbid second subject notices (note to self: watch back for second subject approaching for any reasons) stands slowly takes 2.4 seconds longer than muscles indicate necessary for bone and muscular development has knee injury stops to rub knee surreptitiously suffers from injury? No, judging from exercises being performed it is a bone-based issue, and limp and movement indicates development of osteoporosis (note to self: aim for left knee as primary target) limps and steps three times left, twice left, shuffles in place and begins also panning to the left turning and watching companion to right (hereby third subject) as second subject watches posterior four (4) inches offset of meridian line, third subject is fully aware and enjoys, note sociopathic and egotistical tendencies, as third subject turns to present more fully possibly some kind of mating ritual must pay further attention to see how second subject responds to such a response, possibly summon Pakkun to test pheromone dispersal patterns to determine if this is how they communicate or if they use more primal means of -_

"Sensei what the _fu-_ "

Kakashi whipped his hand out and smacked Sayo about the mouth before she could spook the subjects, shrubbery rustling loudly

" _Hush_ child. Sensei is doing science right now."

Saeki retched a little from where he crouched beside them. "What the shit _is_ that in your eye?!"

Kakashi blinked with both eyes. "Oh yeah, I forgot. You haven't seen that I have a - wait, did you ask _what_ this was?"

Maruichi, squatting directly to his left, looked at Kakashi's exposed Sharingan with a degree of off-putting interest that had Kakashi reflexively move his hand up and cover it back up. Maruichi's eyes narrowed, and he huffed with some small disappointment. "Sharingan."

Saeki turned to him. " _That's_ a Sharingan, huh."

"Wow that's fucking morbid." Kakashi scratched his chin. "You've definitely _seen_ Uchiha before right? Not just Sasuke I mean."

Sayo snorted. "Of course, who hasn't." She reddened a little. "They're, uh, real-"

"Loud." Saeki said.

Kakashi shot him a funny look. " _Loud_ is not how I'd describe an Uchiha." _Barring one_

Saeki shrugged. "Then you'd never heard one f-"

"Speaking of fucked up," Kakashi interrupted, deep-seated sense of self-preservation reflexively rising up. "What is _this?_ "

The children looked down at their full arms, bearing alms. Sayo gently swirled an entire kettle of, what smelled like, sweet green tea.

"Love." Sayo said.

"Deep and abiding affection." Saeki said.

"A reflexive degree of humble respect." Maruichi said.

"I humbly accept your offerings." Kakashi smiled, snagging a biscuit. "Now go away."

Sayo kicked at his shins from her half-standing position, forcing Kakashi to dance away with the biscuit half-crumbling in his mouth. Ducking out from behind the thick bushes he'd been crouching behind, he slowly stood back up to his full height. Behind him, the kids also crawled sulkily out and into the little clearing of trees behind. Kakashi risked a quick look out, leaning past the tree cover to see that the guards were still patrolling idly, and hadn't noticed both his watch and its sudden and abrupt end.

Clear.

He leaned back in, whirling around to see the kids getting into straight-backed stances and meeting his eyes firmly. "Teach us chakra control."

He stopped and stared, crumbly little bits falling out of his mouth. _"_ _What?"_

Sayo snapped her fingers, and Maruichi stepped up with a slightly rebellious glare. "You said you didn't get why we were struggling, and shortly afterwards proceeded to dance on the treetops like a spastic squirrel. You're _cheating_ somehow."

Kakashi opened his mouth to rebut, but Saeki near shoved his whole index into his mouth with a truly vicious point. " _Cheating!_ "

"I'm not _cheating_." Kakashi stressed. "I'm just _better_ than you."

"Cheating!" Saeki hissed. "Dirty cheater!"

Kakashi flung his arms to the ground, brushing off stray crumbs. "What's this about then. Is this how you ask favors?!"

"Favors?!" Sayo stamped her feet and dear god this was too much for Kakashi. "What the hell kind of teacher _are_ you?!"

"A _good_ one." Kakashi rubbed his nose a little, trying to hide the crinkling of his eye. God, he was so fucking bad at hiding his expressions. "Teaching's what we call the process of learning things. It's a long, slow process, right?"

Maruichi and Saeki had already begun stepping rapidly back as an ugly flush began creeping up Sayo's neck. "What have we possibly learned?" She snapped. "All we've done is trudge through the mud and deal with dumb pettiness from those glorified interns. This is _bullshit_."

"See?" Kakashi grinned. "You learned something already."

"Fuck you." She grumbled. "You think I wanna be a piece of shit like you?"

"I think that's _exactly_ what you want." Kakashi rebut smugly. "Or you wouldn't be asking to learn from me, would you."

Her jaw swung open, and stayed like that for a bit. "That...'s not how th-"

Maruichi pushed up his thick frames. "He's got you there."

She whirled around. " _Who's side are you on?!_ "

"Mine." He said calmly. "I wanna grow up to be an asshole someday."

Kakashi clapped a little. "It's a wonderful dream. Truly touching."

Sayo hissed loudly, stomping off to the side and forcefully leaning against a tree. "Fine!" She snapped. "Teach us."

"Not so fast." Kakashi waggled a finger mockingly. "I may have been hesitant, but I managed to come up with a plan I could use you all for."

"Watching."

Kakashi whistled at Maruichi's deduction. "Very _good_. That's right, I need extra eyes."

Saeki scratched the back of his head slowly. "What do you mean? You were watching them fine."

"By necessity." Kakashi said. "They're not who I want to watch, but my real target is inside that Palanquin. So here's what we're gonna do - I'll _teach_ you tree walking, and you're gonna practice it for the rest of this trip. More importantly, you're gonna keep a watch on that palanquin, and report back to me."

"That's really obvious." Saeki said slowly. "Like, _really_ obvious."

"Indeed - and you're gonna draw their attention doing it. And then Sensei can try to get at the information he's really after."

"Is that enough?"

Kakashi chuckled. "For me? Yeah."

"Shit that's cool." Saeki smacked his fist into his palm. "Hear that Maruchin? 'For me, yeah', goddamn."

"Takes a lot of guts to say that out loud." Maruichi slowly turned his face away from Kakashi's souring expression. "Bragging to children takes a big, big man, you know."

"I'm burnin' up, Maruchin. My heart's ablaze, y'know?"

"Oh my fucking god I hate you all." Sayo muttered. "This is already _so_ bad."

"Don't worry." Maruichi coughed a little at the sudden attention. "I have a better idea."

-

Kakashi desperately held the urge to sneeze in. The litter continued to sway gently above the ground, but the dust kicked up by the litterbearers rose up and hovered gently at eye level, curling over his covered features and titillating his nostrils. He slowly waved his book over his face, gently enough not to stress the pages, toes slightly cramping from gripping the undercarriage of the litter.

"This thing's sure heavy." Came a quiet complaint from his right side. A muffled curse and a staccato two-step near his left ear told him that the man's partner had overheard. A quiet, jabbing argument, hissed and pointed, ensued. A muffled _hush_ cut in near his feet silenced the two bickering men, and the palanquin swayed on.

Kakashi pictured his shadow clone bouncing between treetops, carefully barely out of sight.

—-—-—-—-

 _"_ _Civilians don't actually usually second guess their ninja guards." Maruichi explained calmly. "Even if you have a shadow clone following the caravan and it pops, you can just say that it was scouting while you stayed hidden. They can't usually tell if you're telling the truth, or what you really intended. You can't ever really catch a ninja red-handed, because civilians can't really tell what we can or can't do. So guilt is a very finicky thing to pin on a ninja."_

 _"Risk is a non-entity for the most part then." Kakashi mused. "My word against theirs. So we can afford to get clever about this."_

—

Kakashi held his sneeze in, continuing to read his novel through watery eyes. His position on the undercarriage was a precarious one, but no one dared complain that it was heavier. Especially not after lunch.

" _Why do we have this...trash, here milady_?" A soft, sharp voice said.

Kakashi gently adjusted the rough cylinder he'd pinned in place between his shoulder and neck, allowing the metal rim to shift around his ear. The taut blue string leading up into the palanquin's door jamb vibrated gently.

" _Oh it was the cutest thing!_ " A saccharine bray squealed. " _The little girl, oh she's so precious, got me a bouquet!_ "

" _She offered it in a tin can, milady._ "

A quiet harrumph. "Really now, are we to judge their means? A gift is a gift."

The soft voice hardened slightly. " _But milady, what if they are diseased_."

" _Then the guardsmen will kill them_." Came the easy reply. " _And dear Saru will thank us for the trouble_."

" _Is that really an assumption we can afford to make no_ -"

" _You overstep yourself._ " Came the gentle rebuke. Kakashi frowned in irritation, only one eye on his novel. Complain more! Get irritated! He thumped the underside gently, relishing the quiet screams as the creekwater splashed out of the can a bit.

" _Milady_!"

" _Its a gift_!"

" _Nevertheless, the disease-_ "

" _I cannot do away with their kindness._ "

" _You can and should_." Came the firm reply. " _You must be the heartless, soulless being I know you can be._ "

" _B-but I cannot be so cruel! They're friendly!_ "

" _You can. It was all a ruse milady, you never had any friends._ "

The sound of sadness echoed in Kakashi's ear, as he wiped a silent tear off on a bit of cloth abandoned on the road he was passing over.

" _B-but_ -"

Nope, Kakashi didn't care. He needed the Lady's guest to keep talking, and that meant emotional blackmail. Kakashi slammed his fist onto the underside once more, and the loud squeals echoed again.

"Milady?" Came the cautious voice from one of the guards. "Are you-is everything alright!"

" _YES!_ " Came the high pitched reply, making Kakashi's head ache. " _E-everything is friendless - I mean fine! Everything is fine._ "

"Don't worry milady _._ " The guard said kindly. "Friends lower the strength of your soul. Only someone alone and unloved can be truly strong."

". _..you see._ " Came the sullen reply from the Lady Taiyo.

"..."

A single harsh gesture got the moving again, and the palanquin sat in a deep silence as the guards stewed outside nervously.

" _Come, pitch those flowers out Milady, they are worthless. We can have your men gather plenty more on the way. Speaking of which, we have yet to see any of your husband's men so deep into the territory, would they not come to welcome you?_ "

" _On march._ " Came the dispirited voice. " _We will need to make better time so they may get in position_."

" _And I_ -"

" _You and your husband will be protected of course. For your..._ " a quavering sniff. " _...honest service_."

" _Thank you milady._ " A brief, uncomfortable pause. " _W-we will, of course speak to Lord Madoka regarding the proposal you put for-_ "

" _ **Thank**_ _you, Taiyo. But, what of the arms we requested an order for?_ "

". _..we cannot promise any such thing, sending arms to border-station troops could seem far too._."

"... _yes, I see._ "

". _..I will speak to the Beheader personally, and ask for leniency. Royal blood, even distant, deserves honor_."

" _Very well. Perhaps your son may be married this season after all._ "

" _Thank you milady. Perhaps his horrible fear of tall women will be cured yet._ "

" _I'm glad to hear that._ "

The can started rattling loudly as they began scrabbling to grab it. Kakashi immediately pulled his end of the string free of the can, and began to implement stage two as Shijimi began pulling the window open.

Tying a quick loop between two fingers, he pulled a small hard candy free of his pocket, slid it into the loop and pulled it taut.

Having done this, Kakashi allowed his right arm to enter the sunlight. He'd been careful to stay out of it, so he cast no shadow while under the litter, but now he allowed a shadow to form as he made a single handsign, that his clone could see.

He had only a few seconds now, confident in his own observation skills. He quickly rapped out the seals necessary, and allowed a pool of smoke and Pakkun to appear and pool upon his taut belly. Exchanging nods, Kakashi allowed Pakkun's jaws to close gently around the candy, before diving to the side and performing a midair Replacement with his own falling clone, allowing his chakra to wrap around the two of them, and violently hurl them together. The clone dispersed on rough impact with the floor, allowing Kakashi to correct his fall in the smoke and land smoothly with none the wiser.

Now standing casually off to the side, he watched the string slowly, then faster and faster be pulled towards the door of the palanquin as they discovered the string at the bottom. Pakkun slowly slid out from underneath the litter, jaw firmly clamped over the little candy and being pulled like a slug. The door clattered open, and Taiyo poked her dour face out, coming face to mug with the adorable pug.

"It's a dog!" She exclaimed. The litter came to an abrupt halt, as everyone stopped in sudden shock. Quiet complaints began echoing from the carriages further down the line, but none paid them attention, too focused on the fresh-faced pooch sitting pretty.

"A dog?!" Came Shijimi's voice from inside. "Why is there a _dog_ on the string?"

"He's wired u- no, he's _eating_ something it looks like." Her sallow countenance leaned in, looking unpleasantly milky in the sunlight. "It's a candy."

"We picked up a dog on the way...?"

"It looks intentional, miladies." One of the guards offered hesitantly. "Perhaps whoever gave it to you intended it as an...intentional... _display_ of some sort?"

Taiyo stroked her chin. "A dog trap...? What would a _dog_ do with candy? Do dogs eat candy?"

A sudden gasp from inside had Taiyo whirling around. "It's not a _dog_ trap! It's an _orphan_ trap!"

Taiyo's fist slammed into her palm. "What a brilliant idea."

"We would have needed to round them up eventually." Came a reasonable tone from Shijimi. "This is a good way about it. What a thoughtful gift."

" _Oh god they bought it_." said Sayo, creeping out of the bushes from behind Kakashi. "I can't believe you were right. Who needs an orphan trap?!"

"Who _doesn't_ need an orphan trap?" Kakashi rebut. "Do you even know how multifunctional those are? They don't _just_ trap orphans you know, they also teach orphans how to read, how to identify threats, and teach them what the real world is like. _Immediately._ That's a life lesson wrapped in string."

" _Ugh_."

Kakashi shrugged. Not everyone could appreciate good taste. "How goes the plan?"

Sayo's frown twisted upwards. "We found the bandits."


	37. The First Word V

"I should get Maru a gift of some kind." Kakashi mused, overlooking the bandit camp. In the reflection off Sayo's sweat-stained forehead, he saw Maruichi start repeatedly shooting Saeki smug looks.

Kakashi pointed at the bandits. "Okay, now go question them."

A brief moment of blissful silence as Kakashi allowed himself to indulge in the fleeting fantasy of absolute unquestioning obedience.

Sayo put her hands up. "Hold on, what."

There it went.

"You want _us_ to go down there and question...how many bandits?"

 _32._

"26." Maru reported confidently. "You can see the shadows of the men lying down in the shadow of the tents. Probably the night watch, but we should account for them anyway."

 _No, it's 32._

"Should we? Treating them like active hostiles would probably be a bad way to prioritize the attack." Sayo said. "We need to take out the dangerous ones first. Blindfire is no good."

 _Why are they attacking them? I told them to question them._

"Who taught you children to be so violent?" Kakashi asked. "Really, jumping to violence as your first option, you're breaking Sensei's tender heart here."

They shot him owlish looks.

"I mean," Kakashi continued. "You could just go down there and they'd surrender immediately."

"Sensei's worthless opinion aside, maybe we _should_ consider a peaceful option?" Saeki hesitantly spoke up. "I mean, it's not like they've done anything. We don't even have proof that they hurt anyone."

"Alright." Sayo flapped a loose hand at him. "Get down there and convince them. Prove it."

"You're worse than Sensei." He complained. Which was, really, quite unfair to consider; _Kakashi_ had never done that to prove a point. He'd always proven his _own_ points, and left the potential maiming for dessert.

"You're expendable though." Sayo informed him, and Saeki really had no comeback.

Kakashi was forced to admit that, yes, Saeki was the most expendable, no two ways about it. He offered Saeki a gentle pat on the head to assure him that his body would not be left behind and saw him off with a gentle smile that probably did wonders to settle Saeki's nerves.

Saeki, grumbling quietly, slowly slid down the tall pine they had been crouching on, his stuttery treewalking making the process literal agony to watch. Eventually he fucked up the chakra measure and blew himself off the tree, landing in a smoky pile in a shrub.

The bandits were, of course, immediately alerted, and Kakashi watched the bandits begin quickly arming themselves, layering some super shiny chainmail under filthy cloth bindings and tunics.

"But why." Sayo whispered.

"Maybe they're minimalists." Maru offered.

"They're _bandits_. And _rich_."

"Fake minimalists then."

"To what _end._ "

"In their defense." Kakashi muttered. "It _could_ just be some kind of really elaborate humblebrag."

"Or." Maruichi countered. "Maybe they're pretending to be poor so they don't get robbed."

Below, Saeki slowly crawled to his feet, gently steaming, and stumbled towards the bandit camp. He brushed the soot and twigs off himself vigorously, shooting them a thumbs up.

The bandits watched the dirty child walk out of the woods, weapons drawn and wary.

Saeki coughed and stopped suddenly, as the lit clearing opened up to thirty bandits staring at him with anger and fear in their eyes. Their clothes were dirty and stained, but in the stillness and quiet he could make out their weapons and the gentle ringing of their mail. The camp itself was a spartan one, massive communal tents ringed by campfires and the occasional smaller tent for facilities. Unfortunately, every single person meant to be manning them was instead staring him down like a somewhat pungent rodent. Not, perhaps, how he'd intended this to go, but he could adapt.

Saeki immediately put his hands up. "I demand your surrender."

The bandits blinked in somewhat harmonious confusion, some of them rattling their weapons in apparent agitation.

"Come at me." He said calmly, still completely unarmed. "Try me if you really want."

The bandits looked at each other slowly, before one slowly reached down to the campfire he was still standing next to, groping around for something near the ash, Slowly withdrawing his hand, he hucked a pebble that bounced off Saeki's headband. It made a loud ringing noise, generating maybe a single spark and making Saeki wince a little in surprise.

"Alright, we have due cause, they're hostile." Sayo announced. "Fuck 'em up."

Maruichi and her dove out the tree hurling kunai, tags and steel whizzing through the air. The bandits screamed "GENIN!" in fear and immediately began tripping over themselves to run away. The explosions began going off one by one, sending dirt and stone flying into the air as the entire area shook with dull _thuds_ louder than God striking the earth. One of them dove into a tent and came out with a suspiciously pot-shaped object in his hands, while another reached behind his back and pulled out a white envelope that looked oddly like paycheck envelopes.

The mailman whistled, attracting seven eyes, and he waggled the pay envelope, the word GENIN BAIT printed in clean black ink. Everyone froze as the bandits cowered on the far side of the camp.

"You know," said Saeki. "I feel like since I insisted we make peaceful overtures, I deserve the recompense."

"After the stress you put us through, wandering into danger while forcing us to watch?" Sayo said sweetly. "I think not, I might need to pay for my poor heart." Her hand shot out, catching Maruichi sneaking by, by the back of the collar and dragging him back behind her. "I think not Maruichi, you can wait like the rest of us. Play fair now."

"His arm is getting tired." Maru said firmly. "Only good manners to help. Good to be nice. Holding out bait like that, gotta be heavy."

The man hurled the envelope to the side, and the three genin dove for it, punching and scratching.

The bandits moved en-masse the other way, until Kakashi dove out of the tree, landing in a clean roll that saw him to his feet right in front of the fisherman. "Give me the rest of the money." He demanded. "I know you keep a stash to ward off stray Genin, give it to me I want it."

"Damn." Kakashi heard the whisper float over, and all the men quickly sat down on their knees. The man before Kakashi slowly spread his hands open over his head, and the potman beside him slowly laid down his burden. "You got us, we surrender."

"I want the pot too." Kakashi said quickly. "And food. Maybe some clothes, and weapons, and-" he leaned to the side, snapping his fingers and pointing at one of the men in the middle. The sandy-haired man in question pointed to himself in confusion, standing slowly as Kakashi began snapping his fingers harder in irritation. "Yeah, you, answer my questions."

The man in front of Kakashi blinked. "Why Shinji? I'm the lead-"

Kakashi punched him in the face, relishing in the almost rubbery resistance of his nose, until it bent with a somewhat satisfying _crunch_ , not so much like wood as crisp bamboo. The man went down, and was wise enough to stay down.

Saeki stumbled over, bleeding from the mouth and the left ear. "Oh come on, what was I even sent here for?!" He whined. "I got bitten! Twice! Mortal danger! What happened to letting me handle this?!"

Sayo thumped him in the back of the head, bleeding in nearly as many places. "I am a firm proponent of reactionary, overwhelming force." She snapped. "And you fucked it up!"

"In reaction to what?!" He cried. "This was _my_ Come-At-Me Expo, damn you! _I_ was gonna do the cool thing!"

"Sucks to suck." Maru strode over, bleeding more than both of the other two combined, but cheerily fanning himself with the money.

"That's some chump fuckin' change to nearly get us all killed over." The potman grunted with somewhat worried eyes.

"Isn't it fine if they're still childish like that? That's how children should be." Kakashi informed. "Sociopathy lives to be appreciated while it's still socially acceptable." He swung a hand around his head loosely.

The man standing in the back, Shinji as he'd been referred to, immediately straightened. "I'll answer literally any question you ask."

"Why does your boss seem so sad and alone."

"Now hold on." The leader said.

"He has serious issues with attachment and cries if people go somewhere without telling him."

"What the _fuck_ man."

"That's some loyalty there." Kakashi was actually somewhat impressed, despite himself. "Not gonna try to be a hero?"

"Why would I be someone else's hero when there are people around to save _me_?"

Kakashi took a minute to digest that.

"Shockingly flawless logic."

"I will kill you." Leader swore, staring at Shinji who was pointedly avoiding eye contact.

Potman raised a hand meekly. "Leader snores and smells bad after dinner, and also has terrible s-"

"Kill me quickly please." The Leader interrupted. "Make it quick. Faster the better, don't even bother making it painless."

"Sure, but gimme a sec first." Kakashi said. "Who the fuck are you lot."

"Not bandits." Shinji said quickly.

Kakashi paused. "You're not?"

Every man in the clearing shook their heads slowly.

"Oops."

"Why are you dressed like bandits." Sayo said, squinting a little. "You smell like bandits too, and eat like bandits too. I saw some dude puking into a bush earlier, _like a bandit._ "

"We're pretending to be bandits for safety." Shinji explained. "The night is dark and full of spooky things like Genin and other bandits. This way, at least one of the parties doesn't bother us."

"Why a group?"

"Crippling loneliness issues." Potman insisted. "Have you seen a grown man cry before? It's sad on levels I can't describe. Leader literally falls apart without us, he can't handle it."

The sound of grinding stone began emanating from Leader's face, and Potman looked away somewhat guilty.

Kakashi felt bad. "Where _are_ you headed."

Shinji actually paused at that, seemingly wrestling with himself as his plain-looking face contorted into expressions of discomfort.

Finally, something within him resolved, and he reluctantly spoke. "The capital."

A quiet curse echoed in the clearing as Kakashi perked up. "Really? Us too!"

"Wonderful." The leader groaned. "Now fuck off."

"Tell us more?"

"Make m-"

-

"Shame they didn't take us up on our offer." Kakashi said conversationally. Beside him, Sayo _humphed_.

"We could've extorted them for more." She announced petulantly. "They were _super_ lying, not a chance they gave us everything."

"Maruchin, you're sharing right?" Saeki slung an arm over Maru's shoulders and leaned in. Maruichi, however, raised a single hand still proudly bearing the envelope, and swept the hand off his shoulder.

"Peasant."

"You son of a bitch!" Saeki grit out, before allowing the arm slung over Maru to sweep forward into a headlock. "Abandoning me now that you're wealthy, is it?!"

Sayo hefted the pot. "Idiots." Her eyes shined. "This is obviously the _real_ treasure. They were trying to _protect_ it."

Kakashi rubbed his chin. The smell the pot was giving off gave him a very different impression.

Well, he supposed _some_ might consider it a treasure.

"Ho there!"

Kakashi and the children broke out of the forest, finally striding back onto the road in full view of their caravan. The guards, who had evidently been pacing impatiently, looked up with irritated looks.

"Where the hell have you been?!"

The Madame and Lady Taiyo were both leaning out and giving him odd looks. But what to say? He couldn't tell them he was investigating bandits because he found his little travelling group suspicious, now could he?

One of the guards paced over, eyeing them. "What's in the pot?" He demanded. "Don't bring suspicious containers near us idiot."

"Is it suspicious though...?" Kakashi wondered. Sayo briefly resisted the guard, before giving into her own curiosity and telling the man pop the leather cap stretched over the mouth.

A smell like burning famland spread over the area, and the Ladies slammed the door shut immediately, muffled coughing ensuing.

"Oh shit, it's gunpowder."

The other guards whipped around, immediately jogging over. "Gunpowder you say?"

The bandit reached in, pinching some between his fingers and rubbing them together. "Definitely. Fine grain, high quality."

One of the guards whistled. "Damn, that's good stuff. 30000 Ryo right there, little lady that's a Chuunin's head you're carrying."

Sayo looked impressively bitter, staring at the gleaming black powder with disappointment. "You can have this trash." She huffed. "Pay me-"

A wad of bills beaned her in the face, and the guards immediately rushed over and seized the pot. "Thank you!" One crowed, lugging the pot with bowlegged strides.

Kakashi watched them go. "That may have been a mistake." He mused. Sayo paused where she was cheerfully riffling bills. "Did they stiff me?" She demanded, immediately nervous. Kakashi waved her worries away, still staring at the guards. "No, if anything they overpaid you. It was a mistake to give it to them _now_ , because-"

One of the guards reached into the pot, grabbing two pinched and shoving them up his nose, snorting so hard he turned red. "They're definitely in the clear m'Lady, nothing suspicious here."

"-they'll indulge immediately, yes." Kakashi finished.

The children watched in slight awe as the guards cavorted as babes, gunpowder going everywhere.

"That's disgusting." Saeki observed.

Kakashi shrugged. "What else are they gonna do with it? Shoot guns?"

He had a hearty chuckle over the thought of bullets being effective against anyone. That was some civvie-grade shit right there, barely good enough for spooking Yakuza.

"They're taking _so much of it_." Sayo watched, growing impressed by the sheer degree of excess. "Can you really just put it in _any_ orifice like that?"

Kakashi shrugged. "They're brave guys, let 'em have fun." He squinted at the horizon. "It's their last chance anyway, since according to the bandits the capital isn't too far off."

"What's the plan then Sensei?" Saeki asked.


	38. Interlude: Trailblazin'

Saeki Imano was a simple soul. Not by choice, perhaps, but that was how these things went and life was all about rolling with the punches. So simple he was, and simple he remained, so his slight chagrin.

That was not, to say, that this was a bad thing; it had kept him relatively sane, while Maruchin had slowly devolved into a dirty hoarder, and Sayo had simply taken after the nearest adult to the nth degree.

Sadly, this adult was Sensei, which left much to be desired.

Oh, he was strong, no question. He could tell _why_ Sayo secretly took after him; the man had an ease of looking into world that no other person they'd met could quite replicate. He simply _looked_ unruffled by a lot of what happened, and when life was usually uncertain and full of terror, that was an enviable trait.

But man.

What a _fucking_ weirdo.

God, being like Sensei was _not_ a fair trade, what the man had in nerves of steel, he lacked in _every single other_ social nicety, possibly in existence. Poor, _poor_ decision on her part.

He shot the, reluctantly admitted, beautiful girl at his side an uncertain look. _Sayo, you sure you wanna be like this guy?_

His gaze drifted back to his sensei, where he appeared to be holding a picture in his hand and muttering to himself while stroking it, despite not _actually_ looking at the photo. Instead, his eye whizzed around, focusing on people for the briefest of seconds, unsettlingly usually at waist height.

Did he not realize that everyone around him was terrified of him to more or less degrees?

Well.

Except Maru.

Maruchin didn't really seem to care at all, in fact, taking in the man's eccentricities with a judging look and dismissing him as another powerful person with a couple vices. As a child of the Red Lanterns, Saeki himself really should have been the same way, but it was...different?

Something about the fact that the man was now responsible for his life, made him reluctant to wave Kakashi-sensei off. Perhaps because his eccentricities stood a good chance of getting them all killed?

That featureless black eye flicked to his face, taking in Saeki's expression and it's implications with a seeming degree of amusement he reserved for things that weren't considered threats.

That was to say - everything he'd come in contact with so far.

Saeki dreaded the moment his carelessly invincible sensei took anything seriously. Saeki'd probably be bravely sacrificed as a meatshield that day. _Most expendable_ indeed. Ugh.

Saeki wasn't even big enough to be a meatshield! He was too skinny! And while maybe he may have resented that fact, now he'd fight to keep it that way, thank you. If he was gonna be forced to be a meatshield, he'd be the shittiest one possible in hopes that the person behind him died anyway.

Unconsciously, he thrust his chest out and began strutting a little. He had this _all planned out._ Try and sacrifice him, would they! Well, they might succeed, but they'd regret it!

Probably. Blackmail only worked on people with shame, and as far as Saeki could tell, his sensei was seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of shame altogether.

He and Sensei weren't the only one's shooting suspicious looks around, however. The guards also flicked looks back, at him, Sayo and Maruchin in turn, bouncing like pollen off a wall to each in turn. They may have talked a big game when this little procession set out, but the closer they got to the capital, the more silent they fell. Those were nervous eyes that looked around, and Saeki met them with bravery he didn't quite feel. Maru was looking back like the guards had offended him somehow. Sayo, he knew, would ignore them, instead staring at sensei and trying to copy his movements like she usually did.

Sayo had a bad habit, in that she had seen Sensei simply walk through them a few too many times, and was now convinced the secret to the trick was in the way he walked itself. Sensei, naturally, had noticed and varied up his walk every thirty-or-so paces, probably to fuck with her. She somehow _still bought it_ , and copied each one as perfectly as she could, practicing them around their campfire. It was very dumb, and he cherished every single time as the blind stupidity it was.

 _He_ wasn't gonna be the one to tell her. Maruchin could do that if he wanted. His brother in all but blood, and yet somehow the least trustworthy person he'd ever met. He knew exactly what Maru was doing right now; practicing putting each guard in turn under Genjutsu as secretly as possible. Hence the look of offense; it was quite difficult.

They'd objected to this at one point, briefly claiming they 'had rights' and 'it hurt', but three kunai under their bedsheets had quieted concerns quickly enough

Maru was getting good at this, it only took him five minutes to work through it with no one noticing, compared to the fifteen he'd started at when they had left Konoha.

Everyone was progressing...in their own ways.

As for himself...

"What are you doing." Sensei asked bluntly.

Shocked, he felt his shoulders briefly bounce up before he allowed his pulse to settle. "Uh?"

Sensei rolled his eye. "I've been watching you duckwalk for a quarter mile now, what the _hell_ are you doing."

"I'm practicing tree-walking." He said proudly. It was his own idea; he was struggling getting the right amount of chakra to his feet, so what if he practiced on the safe ground? It was genius, absolute genius.

"Why are you like this?" Sensei pleaded the heavens. Saeki was somewhat hurt by this. What was wrong with his idea?

"Okay." Sensei sighed loudly, snorting a little. "Okay, so Saeki." Sensei took on a lecturing pose while facing him. A quick, curious look down revealed that the man was crabwalking, yet still somehow keeping to the same pace. Beside him, Sayo faced sensei, and began imitating his crabwalk in dire curiosity, immediately falling behind.

He refused to look at her. Maruchin held no such compunctions, pointing and snickering loudly as the guards they were walking beside shot them odd looks. They'd already fallen back to the second, unimportant caravan (according to Sensei), so that meant she was now trailing heavily behind the entire procession. How awkward.

"Sensei." He asked stubbornly. "What am I doing wrong."

"Saeki," he said impatiently. "Is your sense of balance the same on the ground as on a wall."

His mouth opened in understanding. Light, the light of understanding burned through his mind, scorching his thought processes and revealing the truth: _walking up a tree wasn't the same as walking on the ground._

"No shut up, if you keep talking I might actually get stupider for trying to think through your thought process." Sensei waved a hand in front of his face like he was trying to dispel some bad air. "Dear sweet child, please _never_ explain how you come up with these ideas, and instead simply hear and obey your beloved sensei."

Rude. Saeki teared up a little. How uncompromisingly hurtful. That was fucked up, who said that?!

"Yeah, Saeki." Sayo's scornful voice rang out. "Just get _good_. Or ask for help."

He shot a look back. She was still trailing, and only getting farther away. A quick look at sensei showed the man's black pupil briefly flicker to her and back, revealing that the man was taking the same, if not more, joy at her predicament.

He felt nothing but shame for having to interact with these people publically.

"Why _don't_ you ask your team for help?" Sensei asked instead. "They, despite my continued efforts, continued to exist. You might as well take advantage of my ongoing hardship."

His lips set flatly, old feelings of inferiority and jealousy beginning to curdle in his gut once more. Well, he _couldn't_ do that, now could he. Not while his brilliant, good-looking teammates blew past him and only grew more powerful, while he lamed it out behind.

"I mean," Sensei continued loudly. "It's not like they're talented or anything, for you to feel bad about it. You all kind of suck, so you might as well work together on this shit."

Oh _fuck you_ man.

"Where's _your_ team then sensei." He spat bitterly. "Maybe _they_ can help."

Kakashi-sensei mulled over that for a second. "Dead...?" He replied slowly. "I killed them all."

Saeki turned that over in his head.

"I can see it." He admitted.

Well, now he felt bad and shit, for hitting an obvious...sore spot...?

"You know." Saeki said. "When you said that, I expected grief, not satisfaction on your face."

Kakashi ruffled his hair. "These things are situational."

-

 _Kakashi looked at Rin's dead body, the echoing sound of metal ringing and men fighting around him slowly ebbing away. Eventually, he was left with the sound of silence buzzing in his ear, and a feeling welling up deep in his body and spilling past his lips._

 _"Oops. I hit her heart by accident."_

 _"Oops?!" A growling voice shattered his inner peace and intruded. "Kakashi_ ** _what the fuck_** _?!"_

 _Kakashi whirled around "Obito?!"_

 _"Yes, cunt!" Obito said, only...half-formed from a whirling dreamlike eddy._

 _Kakashi stared, taking him in. It was...half. Half of his best friend and hero, clawing itself into reality. The half he recognized was achingly similar, scruffy hair, sleep-bagged eyes, horrible acne scars and oily face._

 _Ew._

 _The face however, was twisted and scarred from unfamiliar emotion, so much so that Kakashi could only barely recognize the features he'd so dearly missed. Hatred and scorn and despair and sadness and anger and vitrol and bitterness, all deepset, all so...familiar...to his_ ** _own_** _heart..._

 _And the face was...only half there..._

 _And so..._

 ** _Inhuman_** _..._

 _"Oh I see." Kakashi said, slowly putting his fists up._

 _Dream-Obito blinked in deep confusion. "Wha- wow, you accepted me alive pretty quickly."_

 _"Of course." Kakashi said serenely. "I am prepared."_

 _"Prep-" Obito's eyes narrowed. "Kakashi, what the hell do you think is going on now."_

 _"I am approaching enlightenment," Kakashi said distantly. "And thus, it is time to face my inner demons."_

 _"How the fuck do you do this shit Kakashi." Obito said, deeply frustrated. The frustration was, of course, a reflection of his own despair and frustration at the deaths of his teammates. He needed to learn to move on, and accept himself. This is what Obito wanted._

 _"Double Chidori Style Taijutsu." Kakashi said firmly, fists loosening into claw-like open palms. The chakra welled within himself, burning and eager as ever, crawling like ants under his skin until it burst out with palpable relief._

 _"Kakashi no, this is not what Obito wants." Obito said, dreamlike quality wavering. "This is...this is some weird...clone shit, that healed me. I'm still me."_

 _"I hadn't realized I mentally justified things to myself so much." Kakashi mused._

 _"That is_ ** _not_** _what is happening here." Obito said firmly._

 _"I'm glad you're so in focus." Kakashi said. "It means that even if you fade from my mind, I'll never forget you. Thank you Obito."_

 _"No, wa- wait hold on, did you say thank you?"_

 _Kakashi nodded._

 _Obito puffed himself up. "We-he-hell, look who's moved up in the world, thanks from Hatak- okay no, hold the fuck up that's unimportant." He gently slapped himself. "Focus Obito, focus." He straightened up. "Okay, yeah no, why the fuck is_ ** _Rin dead_** _."_

 _"She was a Jinchuuriki." Kakashi told himself. "I cannot be forgiven in this lifetime, but I made my choices. I will carry on her will."_

 _"A jinchuuriki..." he said, eyes far away. "So thats how the war went, huh. Sounds like you guys had a tough time too..." Dream-Obito's eyes focused with a burning intensity._

 _"You selfish prick." Drobito said angrily. "Carry on her will my ass. Fuck you, you don't have the right to that hell did_ ** _you_** _ever do for her, you think you own that? You live on, but you live on for_ ** _yourself_** _."_

 _Something about that sounded off for a second. On a hunch, Kakashi whirled around for a second and -_

 _Her body was gone. Rin's limp corpse had vanished. Gone, like an ethereal breeze._

 _A deep, choking relief welled up in his heart. Tears pricked Kakashi's eye. "Thank you me. I didn't know I could be so verbose."_

 _"I didn't intend you to take it that way." Obito said, slightly lost. "I kinda wanted to piss you off. Now the moods gone, and I kinda feel like crying 'cause technically both my friends are gone now and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore."_

 _"I will move on with my life, stronger for this." Kakashi firmed his resolve, standing slightly taller as the dream-being voiced his inner doubts. He had the strength to face it. Rin wasn't dead, because Rin was never here. All of this, was a test of his own strength._

 _"Wha-okay yeah, no, yeah, you uh, you did it." Drobito waved his hands over his head. "You achieved enlightenment, all your actions are justified in and of themselves, well done. Now go - go away. Fuck up Mizu while I do something about Rin. I managed to get hee body before she fully died so hopefully I-."_

 _"Excellent." Kakashi dashed to Obito and rammed both blazing hands through his gut. "I will move on."_

 _Even the flesh was somewhat spongy. Kakashi was impressed; dream-demons were higher-res these days._

 _"YOU SON OF A BIT-" Drobito howled, before his non-corpse swirled into heavenly spirals and vanished._

 _Kakashi was alone on the battlefield, surrounded by devastation._

 _He blinked. "Did_ ** _I_** _do this?" He wondered out loud. "Am_ ** _I_** _the demon?"_

 _He looked around._

 _"Damn, I gotta lay off the gunpowder." Kakashi mused._

-

Sayo blinked. "Can you _touch_ hallucinations?" She wondered, having given up and caught up to them.

"That's basically what happened." Kakashi-sensei insisted. "Touch-based genjutsu works all the time, so why not touch-demons?"

"Because genjutsu is caused by _people_ sensei." She said hesitantly. "Demons you conjure yourself - _what the fuck_ \- shouldn't be mutable. Why did you need to _kill them_ anyway."

"Well, I figured it was kinda like that thing the Samurai always go on about." Kakashi waved a lazy hand at the guards, who pretended not to be listening in. "If you see the Sage on the side of the road, hold nothing sacred and cut him down to surpass him. Same thing; my teammates are inside me, so if I ever see them, fuck 'em up and move on."

"When do _I_ get to achieve enlightenment." Maru asked, slightly excited.

Sensei patted his head, satisfied with his acceptance of the somewhat absurd story. "Maybe someday. You'll know the right time."

Saeki did _not_ like the way Maru's fingers were twitching when he looked at him.

He swallowed gently. Maybe he'd sleep with a kunai today.

Or forever. 


	39. Authority I

Kakashi stopped walking, the palanquins slowly settling down beside them. The light shone bright through the treetops, illuminating the path ahead of them, and it's gradual movement from pebble-studded earth to mismatched cobblestone to seamless chakra stone to living wood. The wooden streets, nearly pulsing with life and dappled with the pruned overgrowth rippled gently beneath the feet of civilization, the largest in Fire Country.

Kakashi popped down to eye level with his students, making sure he slowly turned his head and looked them each in the eye. "Alright, good luck."

"What." Sayo said flatly.

He patted her head gently, feeling the fluff of her thin hair puff up under his hand. "Best of luck! I'm off to, uh, do a mission. We learned so much from the bandits, that I gotta follow up on it. Best of luck, don't stray too far from the customer, take turns with the bathroom-"

"Uh, S-Sensei?"

Kakashi turned, and saw one of the _ronin_ guards approaching somewhat sheepishly. What pride they'd held at the onset of their journey had long evaporated, giving way to wide-eyed respect. Evidently, they'd learned to respect Kakashi's quiet humbleness and sober self-awareness.

"Yes?"

"This is the capital you see, and so we need to report to-"

"Someone or another." Kakashi interrupted. "Which, conveniently, my cute little genin have volunteered to do!"

"Sensei, you're a bastard."

The guard twitched somewhat, evidently not expecting, or pleased, with the answer. "Sir, um. Please don't hurt me for saying this, but you really should report in. The guardians have never particularly taken well to strange nin wandering the streets."

"Which shouldn't be a problem." Kakashi continued smoothly. "As I am, after all, a ninja _of this country_."

The guard appeared to visibly bite back his next sentence, one Kakashi would have dearly loved to pry from his tongue, but an interesting look in his eyes held him back. "Yes sir."

"Surely there is no _danger_." Kakashi raised a brow. "My children are, after all, simply escorting you to the Daimyo's palace and returning."

The guard winced at the word _danger_. "Certainly not. The city has laws against such things, and plenty of enforcement to ensure things remain peaceful. There is no _danger_ , but simply to expedite-"

"Nothing." Kakashi said pleasantly. "If there's no problem, I'm simply gonna visit an old friend, and then we'll be on our way?"

-

"The entire city is going to hell." The Bartender spoke loudly over the thumping beat. "I can barely keep the dancers paid, business is so shit."

"Can't imagine why." Kakashi replied, eyeing the liberally crowded audience seats. The bartender waved him off impatiently, jerking a finger at a _HAPPY HOURS 3-5_ underneath a clock gently ticking past 3:47. Evidently, this crowd was abnormal, and was likely not to last, which made the scene even more interesting.

The girl dancing on stage with two fans was ringed by people, of course, but for some reason one of them was surrounded by kneeling people. Indeed, the man was a samurai, evidently, as he visibly bore a katana on the streets of the city where no such thing had been permitted to his knowledge. Indeed, he bore true steel openly at his waist in a city that not even Kakashi dared do such a thing in. Strode in like a king and demanded an occupied seat with only an impatient look, the man was evidently at peace with his rather humorous circumstances, given that the dancer was equally obviously now dancing for _him_ , lovely sakura-patterned kimono swishing.

Stranger and stranger.

The walk to the club had been an odd one as well, just from the novelty of having an unarmed populace surrounding him. Mugging people would have been hardly an effort at all, were it not for the watchers on every corner. Ninja, henge'd as harmless paraphernalia lying around. A couple can-nin, a traffic cone-nin, even a used diaper-nin, hanging around in seemingly natural places. Their dirty eyes panned the crowd with almost palpable disdain, and even knowing he could take them all, the bared menace threw him off. The streets were warm, chakrawood shaped by the first Hokage himself for the benefit of the Daimyo forming natural currents that flowing in what Kakashi knew formed a great spoked wheel all leading to the Daimyo's palace. Inflammable and intractable, the wood severed his connection to the earth, leaving Kakashi feeling disturbingly bare. The only place he saw people breaking through the ripples to get to was here; people otherwise moved head down and shoulders pushed up, part of some grand cycle they'd resigned themselves to.

The scent of danger was certainly in the air, he needed no bartender to tell him that.

What was _happening_ here? What had happened to the lavish expenditure and casual waste that had held sway in his last visit, a mere five years prior? He felt somewhat robbed of his desire to string up the wealthy, since he couldn't really _see_ any.

"Who died?" Kakashi asked loudly, catching the bartender's eye as he seemed to unconsciously start wiping down a glass. The bartender shrugged slowly. "Buncha nobles, couple'a merchants, the odd ronin or two, civvies like clockwork every few hours, and an entire swordsman _dojo_ up and east. You know." He shrugged with a truly familiar ease that Kakashi found exceedingly comforting. "Can't be helped."

"Can't be helped indeed." Kakashi muttered warmly. "Looks like business is booming."

The bartender gave him a distantly bemused look. "Sorry? Didn't catch that."

"Seems like danger is looming." Kakashi said louder. "How does the _o-samurai-sama_ perched on the footstool over yonder play in?"

The bartender put on a look of deeply forced nonchalance, hands actually bleeding a little from where he slipped and scraped a bit of his palm with the rough cloth. The iridescent sheen it put on the 'washed' glasses was gorgeous, and caught Kakashi's eye while he slowly pushed his drink as far from his mouth as humanly possible while sitting on the stool. "You know how it is, Daimyo's _enforcers_ keeping the peace."

The bartender spat the word like a curse, a vitriol he backed down as fast as possible by immediately looking around furtively to see if anyone had heard him. Kakashi was immensely amused by the action, and once more had to resist breaking something to spook the old man. Regardless, the burst of anger from his own mouth seemed to have badly startled the aging man, and Kakashi could get him to speak no further on the subject.

Sighing, he slowly slouched upward, and made a slow way down to the floor of the establishment, brown hair bristling in the lights. His brand new blue eyes stung a little, as henge usually did in contact with such high-frequency lighting, given that chakra could only refract light so well when spread so thin. Likely, anyone looking into his eyes saw them rippling into midnight whenever light hit them directly, and bounce back to bright blue in the dark (especially the left one). Which, fortunately, was also what people generally _expected_ to happen when they looked him in the eye(s), so really all it meant was that Kakashi's natural beauty and talent pulled through for him again.

He found himself a lazy seat near the back and settled in to watch the show. A glance at the branding on the clothing revealed that it was a Suna-trained group of dubious fame, yet doubtlessly one that had caught some pissant nabob's eye, and was thus sponsored for this nowhere shack. Places like this tended to be more honest than others, yet even here, people were careful. Kakashi winced as some dubiously dripping paper of unknown nature flew past from _somewhere_ , yet he had yet to see the Samurai so much as need to breathe too shallowly from someone approaching him. Maybe it was kinda because he was jealous, but only because the wealthy irritated him. Frankly, if he'd not wanted to be on Kakashi's side, he shouldn't have had money to begin with.

Yes, he was technically wealthy, but spending money outside of the village was technically both sedition _and_ conspiring with a foreign power to overthrow Konoha's economy, so in the bank it stayed. Did _Genin_ have to watch their spending? _No_ , god no, that would be _unfair_ wouldn't it. No, Kakashi dearly wanted the Samurai to be publically humiliated so he'd have a socially acceptable reason to walk over and rob him, but the public had not yet seen fit to grace him with so kind an opportunity.

Nor, it seemed, _would_ they. Bastards.

They treated the man like fucking _glass_! He'd never _seen_ people walk so gingerly around another man before.

The night progressed slowly, Kakashi stewing in his own thoughts, and occasionally applauding a particularly inspired number on stage.

" _Would you like a refill_?" A sultry voice in his ear sounded, and he idly passed the lady standing behind him his empty glass of beer, neatly catching the senbon she attempted to slide under his chin with the other. It smelled faintly of a chemical he couldn't recognize off the top of his head, and Kakashi fought the urge to sneeze. Two fingers twisted around the slim needle, twisting and spinning it out of her grasp. She gasped in slight frustration, probably thinking he'd flipped it away while his pinky had caught it and slid it back into his palm. Yet she remained careful not to alert anyone, which told Kakashi that this wasn't, per se, a _legal_ operation. Her right hand closed around his, both cradling his glass, and he allowed her to pull him closer, eye still fixed forward.

" _We don't appreciate covert actions._ " She purred, sliding her left hand under his chin threateningly.

" _Leave me a fine._ " He whispered back, snaking his left hand up and sliding the hidden needle into the side of her neck. Her eyes rolled up, and he slid out of his seat quickly enough to make sure she didn't fall. He swept her feet forward, and bodily whipped her around the seat and into where he'd been sitting. One hand tucked her hand under her chin so her head didn't fall, while the other divested her of her serving tray.

He turned and began walking back, and slowly allowed the crowd to disguise him as his slow henge replaced his outfit one piece at a time, until his serving uniform left him as invisible as any camouflage. Eyes slid off him, where he stood at a brand new six inches shorter than before, just low enough that he was literally below their casual field of view, elevated as it was by the performance.

Kakashi walked fast, putting on an air of casual urgency as he began trying to figure out what had happened. He'd been tracked, obviously, perhaps even before he'd entered the city. The ronin guards had nothing to do with it, and if they had followers tailing the madame, they'd passed under his notice. Was this what the ronin had wanted to say? Kakashi knew for a _fact_ that they didn't have a sensor array on par with Konoha's in this bloody city, which meant that he'd been followed the old-fashioned way.

He shot the glasses on his tray a dirty look, and when they failed to respond, concluded that they _probably_ weren't henge'd threats. But hey, who knew what else they'd slipped under his notice? He kicked a loose shoe slightly harder than necessary, and was perhaps only slightly disappointed when it also failed to respond. Well, now he just looked crazy.

Kakashi felt himself unconsciously smile a little. He hadn't even _noticed_ , but they'd still nearly slipped a paralytic into his jugular. Which meant that his children were in danger.

Well, more importantly, _he_ was in danger.

Of sorts. Some kind of casual, irritating danger. Maybe social danger? He got to the bar table, and he slid the tray onto the corner. He kept his eyes looking down, and whispered a _thank-you_ to a rather plain girl affecting boredom as she tossed the dancers furtive looks. The tray slid under her unwatchful eyes uncommented, and so did Kakashi, who casually leaned against a wall just far enough not to draw her attention. He'd need to identify the threats before he continued, and hopefully manage to get away without causing a national incident.

He made sure to keep the tray and glasses in his peripheral vision as he settled down.


End file.
